Here I am
Hello my chums. I'm deffo back now. Back back. Because I don't have the crappy phone line internet that goes really slowwwllllyyy. I have the one I've always had. Which is very very nice, let me tell you. Because now I can finally get off my chest some things I've wanted to put on LJ for weeks and weeks. Because I realise that I sort of kept it all bottled up and I don't usually do that, because I have LJ, and then I get wonderful comments that make me feel better. But this was not the case so I'm HAPPY now :D. But I also must say that 9th grade is really all about hard work, and sometimes I just won't be able to go on LJ : ( :( :(. Which is sad but that's what week-ends are for, also. See now, for example, I was really eager to be able to visit my forums+websites+reply to all of my e-mails+LJ that I toooootally didn't really concentrate on work today. Which is kind of bad because I'm going to be so deep in shite tomorrow but I very surprisingly don't care right now.
My God I look at my icons and I really must refresh. Go shopping for icons and stuff.
Ok I have so much to say that I must put it in a LJ cut. There are many categories actually : Fer, Divorce, New house, MASS confusion.
I've been quite low lately. But the thing is I know I'm low but I somehow manage to act as if nothing is happening at school. I'm all happy. Which I guess I think is good, because I anyways tell Eva (whom I really love now. Honestly. Can't believe I didn't realise how great she is) everything and she tells me everything and we've really bonded lately. See the thing is. Um. Wow where the hell do I start and how. Ok my parents are probably getting divorced. And I knooow that I said that last time but this time BOY is it different. See we went on vacation to Marbella, and I don't remember if I said how crappy some evenings were because my mom kept saying how weird dad was and dad was telling her to stop controlling her etc etc. Turns out that there's another woman, folks. I found this out about 2 weeks ago. See my mom was at home, and I was with a friend working on a project and my dad's mobile starts to ring. Well my mom thought it was ringing, the thing was that he had a new message. And it said : Are you busy? I love you my darling. And my mom, of course, FREAKED like anybody would and went over to my dad and went : What the hell is this? (See, I marvel this. Even when the worst is happening she manages to not say "fuck") and my dad confesses that he met a woman at work and started to like being with her. They had lunch. Several lunches. And he said he thinks he's in love with her.
It's a bit blurry actually. Then that was when the first discussion started back in 1892 and is still going on to this day. Each. Night. They. Talk. Oh and they told of course aaand I can't quite remember my feeling actually. We were in the new house. OH yes! I was really surprised with myself actually because I spoke all calmly but I remember the feeling in my chest. Like these pinched. Can't really explain it. Anyway my Dad said he loved my mother and he told "Aracelli"(her name. The fact that it so resembles the name of a total slut surprised me. Because you see SHE IS MARRIED and has 2 DAUGHTERS and LOVES MY DAD very much) that it was over, basically. And I really don't know how I've managed to accept it sooooo easily. Because you see, when your parents have a problem like this, you don't usually want to get in between them. But from the start I was talking, and comparing and arguing with them and I even think I helped the relationship a bit. Oh God I swear I can't possibly describe everything that has happened for the past 2 weeks, because there were days where they simply argued, and at the same time I don't want to get in between but there like practically in the next room! I can hear everything! And so I just discuss it with my dad because he sometimes just loses it and my mom too and God it's so mixed up I swear I can't explain it right. Because you see Aracelli called last saturday while I was with my dad shopping and he didn't want to tell mom and I said Yes, because right now what you have to be is honest and he said I don't want to hear her or hurt her and I said You hurt her more by not telling her, because right now you have to show her that you really love her and want to be with her and he didn't tell her but I did and my dad wanted to leave and he DID leave and then he came back and my God I'm not using any periods am I ? Ok I'll stop that now. And then yesterday was the extreme because the discussion got really bad and my mom shouted LEAVE and my dad went NO and my mom wouldn't let him take the dog out for a walk so he called the freakin' police saying his wife wouldn't let him go out but then it turned out ok.
Ok I realise I really can't explain this properly. I really need to learn how to. Ok bottom line : I'm not going to join their discussions anymore because I'm quite sick of it, but I just couldn't stop before because I was in from the beginning but now I really am sick of it. Because this is THEIR thing. And I realise it could be worse actually. And now they just stopped arguing.
Anyway other news : FER. He called me 3 times. And then another time. All of the times to ask me about homework. Bu t yesterday we were talking for like 30 MINUTES which is a record for him and me. And it was really really nice. I love taking to him, even when he doesn't say much. It was nice. Really nice. Didn't call me today though. Ah well. OOOH just remembered he said he would be back at nine from football. HuH.
Anyway today I had a bit of a breakdown. I suspect the fact that I have been studying non stop, waking up at 7.30 every day, hearing my parents discuss and my mom shout and dad shout and my parents asking me who I wanted to stay with if they divorced, missing LJ pals, internet, my old house, the typical confusion that I always have with Belgium life and Spain life, aaaand the confusion with Fer + being quite sick of Spain and missing Belgium life so badly MIGHT have had something to do with it. It all started when the teacher asked us what we were thinking of taking next year : Science or Language and it got me really confused and then all of the sudden I felt like crying like CRAZY. And Eva saw me and I just sobbed. It was quite embarrassing actually because it was really sobbing. Like non-stop.
I'm tired of writing.