A River Runs Wild.
~ Craving For Approval Creates Relationships of Dependency ~
From the infantile, approval-seeking psychology, we do not see our own strength or appreciate our basic human dignity; rather, we feel isolated, lonely, and desperate. We mistakenly think that winning the approval of others will lessen our sense of isolation. Yet trying to win approval from another person is the surest way of avoiding real contact with them. While craving another's approval, we turn that person into an object. We are no longer seeing a living, breathing human being but a kind of substitute parent alternatively dispensing approval and disapproval. We try to control and manipulate the other person into giving us the approval we think we need.
We are not only turning others into objects; we are turning ourselves into powerless subjects. We become "subject" in several senses of the word. Our experience of the world becomes entirely subjective; we lose the capacity to see events, others, or ourselves objectively. "Me" and what's right and wrong with me and what people are doing for or against "me" becomes the primary subject or topic of interest. We become subject to or at effect of the approval or disapproval of others. In this way, we lose our natural Te.
One of the trickiest problems in intimate relationships arises from the unconscious tendency to turn our partners into parental figures, to project on them the unresolved issues of our childhood. Now, of course, a young child doesn't see a parent as he or she really is, that is, as a person with their own problems and issues. In a childlike way, we may confuse a partner's tiredness with indifference, we read our partner's pain or frustration as disapproval of us. We can get so caught up in trying to be what we think our partners need or want us to be that we miss opportunities to give them what they really do need or want. We become so focused on what we think we need from them that we lose the capacity to understand and feel genuine compassion for them.
We feel controlled by those whose approval we seek and perplexed by how easily and deeply they seem to affect us. Their response, interpreted as signs of approval or disapproval, can alter our moods or even affect our sense of self-worth. While we are winning their approval, we feel manipulated; when we lose it, we feel hurt to the core. Ultimately, we come to resent those whom we get into a pattern of seeking approval from. In just this way, many relationships are weakened or destroyed. Yet often we fail to realize that it is not the other party but our own need that is controlling us. We may go on repeating the same pattern in relationship after relationship. This pattern may prevent us from finding the right partners in the first place, or cause us to muddle things up if we do. To break the cycle once and for all, we have to step back from the immediate situation, recognize that this is a pattern we have carried with us from childhood, and take the initiation into our adulthood. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, love, and understanding; confusing approval with love will surely get us into trouble.
~Laurence G. Boldt~
From the infantile, approval-seeking psychology, we do not see our own strength or appreciate our basic human dignity; rather, we feel isolated, lonely, and desperate. We mistakenly think that winning the approval of others will lessen our sense of isolation. Yet trying to win approval from another person is the surest way of avoiding real contact with them. While craving another's approval, we turn that person into an object. We are no longer seeing a living, breathing human being but a kind of substitute parent alternatively dispensing approval and disapproval. We try to control and manipulate the other person into giving us the approval we think we need.
We are not only turning others into objects; we are turning ourselves into powerless subjects. We become "subject" in several senses of the word. Our experience of the world becomes entirely subjective; we lose the capacity to see events, others, or ourselves objectively. "Me" and what's right and wrong with me and what people are doing for or against "me" becomes the primary subject or topic of interest. We become subject to or at effect of the approval or disapproval of others. In this way, we lose our natural Te.
One of the trickiest problems in intimate relationships arises from the unconscious tendency to turn our partners into parental figures, to project on them the unresolved issues of our childhood. Now, of course, a young child doesn't see a parent as he or she really is, that is, as a person with their own problems and issues. In a childlike way, we may confuse a partner's tiredness with indifference, we read our partner's pain or frustration as disapproval of us. We can get so caught up in trying to be what we think our partners need or want us to be that we miss opportunities to give them what they really do need or want. We become so focused on what we think we need from them that we lose the capacity to understand and feel genuine compassion for them.
We feel controlled by those whose approval we seek and perplexed by how easily and deeply they seem to affect us. Their response, interpreted as signs of approval or disapproval, can alter our moods or even affect our sense of self-worth. While we are winning their approval, we feel manipulated; when we lose it, we feel hurt to the core. Ultimately, we come to resent those whom we get into a pattern of seeking approval from. In just this way, many relationships are weakened or destroyed. Yet often we fail to realize that it is not the other party but our own need that is controlling us. We may go on repeating the same pattern in relationship after relationship. This pattern may prevent us from finding the right partners in the first place, or cause us to muddle things up if we do. To break the cycle once and for all, we have to step back from the immediate situation, recognize that this is a pattern we have carried with us from childhood, and take the initiation into our adulthood. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, love, and understanding; confusing approval with love will surely get us into trouble.
~Laurence G. Boldt~