The Sad Ballad of a Bad Salad
I come to sing a ballad true
Of salad fresh with dressing blue
I’ll sing to you a ballad
Of the freshest greens that grew.
Once in the land of Tupperware
There lived a maiden true and fair
One Princess Kale of Kale
Who sang and frolicked without care.
Her father was a mean old brute
Whose nose looked like a cabbage shoot
No man could wed his daughter
But his equal at the lute
Now this was hardly fair, you see,
To choose the contest thus, for he
(King Celeric of Kale, that is)
Could play the lute most beautifully
A line of men of noble birth
Set out to test the old king’s worth
But it was all in vain
The king did laugh in wicked mirth
But on a glorious summer day,
A noble hero wound his way
From far-off Addlepatia
For his lady love to play
He rode his palfrey toward the gate
That noble, princely Addlepate
Shouting out his challenge
To King Celeric the Great
Perhaps a few of you heard tell
Of heav’nly music that befell
How all the land was silent
Under glorious music’s spell
Such marv’lous songs the two did play
That in the sky the sun did stay
All the world stood still
On that astounding, timeless day
Wild birds did trill a harmony
And angels flew down for to see
How merest mortal man
Could make such heavenly melody
I could go on for quite a while
About the cadence and the style
And how the tunes they played
Were heard for many a far-flung mile
At last the king, to his dismay,
Saw that the prince had won the day
“You’ve beaten me, young man,
“Kale’s hand is yours to wed today.”
The prince, his face alight with joy,
All speed and haste did then deploy
He ran to Princess Kale
Like a bounding, lovestruck boy
Fair Princess Kale did moan and sigh
As her beloved did draw nigh
“I’ve come for you, my love,”
The good prince shouted at the sky.
On bended knee, he did propose
To be her husband if she chose
No longer Kale of Kale,
Her former life was at a close
Kale said that if she had her druther
She would choose him, not any other
And in their haste to leave
They said no farewell to her mother
The Queen of Kale said, “Now I see,
Prince Addlepate’s my enemy.
He took away my daughter
Without half a thought for me.”
So hatched she a most evil plot
For her revenge to soon be got
On good Prince Addlepate,
Whether he played the lute or not.
The wedding day dawned clear and fair,
But malice tinged the fresh spring air:
The queen made good her plot
To kill her son-in-law and heir.
She made a salad crisp and green
The like of which was never seen,
But in the blue cheese dressing
Lied her malice cruel and mean.
An acrid poison did she brew
She let it simmer, steep, and stew
In deepest, darkest dungeon
That the light e’er did eschew.
The salad sat there on its plate
And gave no hint of what sad fate
Its deadly dressing promised
To all those who would partake
As the reception did begin,
The guests grabbed plates and dug right in
Queen smiled at new son falsely
With her shriveled lips and thin
“Do try the salad, dear, please do
I made it special just for you
The dressing’s my own recipe,
Just take a bite and chew and chew!”
But little did the queen suspect
Her speech achieved the wrong effect:
The princess took a bite,
And so her mother’s glee was wrecked
With both the happy couple dead
And double murder on her head
The queen’s thoughts turned to flight;
Her wicked heart was full of dread
Into the air the queen did spring
Above the guests who, sorrowing,
Ignored their monarch’s actions
As with magic she took wing
On leathern wings like vampire bat
She mocked the mourners where they sat
Flapping up a whirlwind
She’d have escaped, but that
Heedless of the route she took
The path that flew the evil spook
Took her against a tree
So hard that all the branches shook
The kingdom mourned the fallen three
(Though not so much Queen Celery)
The crying and the wailing
Could be heard from sea to sea.
And now my tale is o’er and done
‘Twas ill-concluded, ill-begun
The ballad of the salad:
Neither side the vict’ry won.