(no subject)

[lured]

it has been months. months of trying to be good. to be that person that is expected of me. and i did it. i was good and kind, got straight As and smiled a lot. but now it is harder. now that i realize where it has got me, where i am standing right now. i am alone. and it is not that i need someone there, to validate who i am. it is that i realized how alone i am. if i needed someone to show me who i am there would be noone and i would have faded away long ago. i am so alone, and it has been so long. i have no friends, i have no one. i am scared. i want someone to listen to me scream, to hold me and not pull away.
i am leaving tomorrow for a trip away, alone.
a taste of life to come? i ask myself could i do it? be alone forever? the answer scares me.