Fic: Coming Home 58/?
Author: PABWECG (aka Patricia)
Title: Coming Home
Genre/Type: Romance
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Lily/Holden, Casey, Katie, Bob, assorted little people, possibly others
Warnings: None really, except some Nuke intimacy
Summary: Luke and Noah moved to L.A. in the Summer of 2009 for Noah to do his last year of school with an internship of sorts (no Mason, no blindness, etc. Everything else in their history has happened). Reid arrived, temporarily, at Memorial in August 2010.
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/ 14/ 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ 19/ 20/ 21/ 22/ 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ 27/ 28/ 29/ 30/ 31/ 32/ 33/ 34/ 35/ 36/ 37/ 38/ 39/ 40/ 41/ 42/ 43/ 44/ 45/ 46/ 47/ 48/ 49/ 50/ 51/ 52/ 53/ 54/ 55/ 56/ 57/
Thank you Slayerkitty for being my beta!!!
**Fairly heavy on Luke/Noah interaction in this chapter - just a fair warning.
CH 58
"You remember what my father was like, Luke. My God, he tried to kill you...because you were gay, and you were making me gay. That's what he thought. He never thought his son could be like that. That's why he was so glad I moved to Oakdale; I had fallen in with 'the wrong sort,' and he was afraid they would make me gay."
"And that's why you had such a hard time coming out," Luke said. "I remember..."
It was just the two of them, and they were at Luke's house. Reid had dropped Sammy off at the farm with Lily and Holden for a few hours. He and Reid had agreed that there probably were things for just he and Noah to discuss.
"Luke, I know that coming out was really difficult for you as well."
"Yeah," Luke agreed. "I always assumed I was straight, and so did everyone around me. Mostly I was worried about the people I loved not loving me anymore."
"Me too," Noah began. "But for me it also went beyond that. You remember how disgusted my father was with my mother's work, her life? So disgusted he hid her, pretending she was dead...eventually killing her anyway."
Luke remembered; he met Noah's gaze and nodded.
"Well, his disgust for homosexuals was even worse," Noah said with a swallow.
Luke could see this was hard for him. He nodded, encouraging Noah to continue.
"He was very vocal about it," Noah continued, breathing in and out. "Any chance he got, he would spout some long, ugly list of insults against...fags and dykes."
Luke could believe this about the colonel. He wondered, in a new way, what it must have been like for Noah to grow up with him, especially when he began to question his sexuality. "When did you start to wonder if you were gay?" Luke asked him.
"For real, a couple years before I met you," Noah said. "But I knew I was attracted to other boys when I was probably thirteen or fourteen."
"It must have been hard for you to hear your dad saying those things...knowing it could be you."
"Oh, but it couldn't," Noah said.
"What do you..." Luke began.
"It couldn't be me. I knew that. I knew I couldn't be the disgusting creature my father was referring to. I knew that I would never want to do the disgusting things my father said fags did. Not me; I was normal. I was a son who would make my father proud. I was normal, Luke. I had to be."
Suddenly Luke could see clearly a "scared straight" teenage Noah; a boy so thoroughly convinced of the grotesqueness of gay men - and especially the things those men did in bed - that he was sure could never be who he was.
"When I came to Oakdale, Luke, I thought I was gay. But I was also determined not to live a gay life. I was going to be the man my father would be proud of."
Luke nodded, remembering.
"And then I met you." He shared a small, sad smile with Luke, and Luke returned it. "And eventually there was no more denying who I was and the life I really wanted - loving a man."
"Noah, how come you never told me all of this before?"
Noah shook his head. "I don't think I was ready to deal with it. I thought it was all buried - for good."
"But something triggered it?" Luke asked. "What?"
Noah licked his lips and avoided Luke's gaze.
"Noah?"
Noah exhaled. "On Valentine's Day...I...overheard you." Luke was confused. "I overheard you and Reid," Noah clarified.
"Me and Reid...?"
"In the bathroom?" Noah said, trying to jog Luke's memory. "At the party?"
Luke thought back, and then it hit him. He and Reid in the bathroom stall. He'd been ready to take Reid then and there...and he'd said so, in no uncertain terms. He felt a blush rise to his cheeks. "Oh...um, well...that's a little bit...uncomfortable." He met Noah's eyes again. "Why did that trigger..." Noah appeared upset. "Noah, this wasn't just jealousy or something, was it?" He looked sideways at Noah. "This triggered something else...something bigger, didn't it?"
Noah seemed very emotional, but afraid to speak. Luke took Noah's hands in his own. "Noah, look at me," he said gently. He repeated that and Noah finally met his eyes and swallowed.
"I was fifteen," Noah said quietly. Luke barely nodded. "Tommy was a year older. Brown eyes you could drown in, a smile that..." And Luke saw Noah smile briefly before biting his lip, suppressing other less-pleasant emotions. "We were just kissing...touching...God, I'd never known anything could feel that good." Suddenly Noah swallowed and sat up straight, pulling himself together.
After a moment, Luke asked, "What happened, Noah?"
Noah shook his head, and exhaled an angry laugh. "What do you think? The Colonel happened."
Luke watched him shake his head. "What did he do, Noah?"
"Not much, really," Noah answered. "But my life was never the same."
Luke waited.
"Before that day, I knew that gays were disgusting, and knew that I wasn't one of them, despite my feelings for Tommy. But after that, I knew that if I ever acted on those feelings again, I would be one.
Luke looked on, with compassion.
"My father changed everything, with one look and a few words...'my son is a stinky, filthy queer'..."
Luke could see that Noah was lost in the past.
"Then all he said was, 'No, no, no' over and over" Noah continued. "He hit me once, pummeled Tommy and threw him out...we never saw each other after that day, Tommy and I...my father, after he threw Tommy out, he held me tight, whispering, 'No, no, no...' and then he just stood up, told me to get washed up for dinner, and walked out."
Noah wiped his face with his hands. "We didn't talk about it after that. But he never missed a chance to point out fags to me after that day. And he gave me books about all the ways gays were perverted, and how they were only interested in sex."
"God, Noah..."
"I ate those books up, Luke. I desperately wanted something - anything - to make my feelings go away. The more I read, the more I connected my desires with disgust. I thought it was working, but of course it wasn't. The desires were still there, they were just laced with disgust - I hated gay men, including myself, and I loathed the things gay men did in bed."
It finally hit Luke; it finally made sense.
"This is why it was so hard for you to have sex with me."
Noah nodded. "I loved you, Luke - I still do - and I wanted you; but I hated what I wanted."
Luke nodded.
"And when I...when I heard you and Reid in the bathroom...you were so...enthusiastic and unashamed." Noah looked at Luke. "I felt...jealous and angry...I heard my father's voice saying the words 'filthy queer' and it almost made me sick...but I also was aroused by the sounds, the words, the idea of you saying those words to me...and again I was jealous, angry, and disgusted all over."
Noah stood up and began pacing, a thing Luke knew he did when he as feeling overwhelmed - like he was ready to bolt. "Noah?"
"I couldn't take it, Luke," Noah said, the panic of that night seeming all too real. "It was too much - all the emotions - everything hitting me all at once. My father's words, his accusing eyes, all of it had been buried so long and so deep, I'd thought they'd never...and there they were, plain as day. And there I was - a fag - my father was right, I was a filthy queer - I wanted those things. I couldn’t make sense of it, so I ran." He made eye contact with Luke. "Like I always do."
Reid approached the front porch of the farmhouse, knocking even as he stomped the mud off his shoes and entered. "Hello!" he called out.
"Come on in, Reid," he heard Holden's unnecessary response as he pushed open the door to the kitchen.
"Look who's back," Lily was saying in her quiet, singsong, grandma voice. "Reid's back."
When Reid actually entered the room, Sammy beamed at him from her spot on Lily' hip. The little girl reached out to him, and Reid quickly found himself scooping her up, planting a kiss on her cheek and settling her against him. "How you been, Munchkin?"
She answered him by bouncing up and down in his arms.
"She's been great," Lily said, reaching out a hand to tickle her tummy.
"How was your morning?" Holden asked him.
"Par for the course," he said.
Holden nodded.
"Are you staying for a bit?" Lily asked. We have some tea and cookies...or do you need to get back to Luke's right off?"
"Um, no," he answered, as he turned around and walked into the living room. "Luke's gonna call and give me the 'all's clear'." He set Sammy down on the floor and pulled a few toys out of the toy box the Snyders had recently reinstalled next to their sofa, placing them on the floor in front of her. She picked up one and tossed it down; then she leaned on to her hands and knees and crawled over to Reid.
"I think she missed you" Holden commented.
He looked down at her and smiled; then he sat down on the floor with his legs stretched out in front of him. She crawled over to him and climbed up on top of him, sitting down with her back against his chest, her thumb going to her mouth.
Holden and Lily looked on as Reid grabbed a small toy from the floor to offer her.
"You're quite the father, Reid," Lily said, breaking the relative silence.
Reid looked up. "Luke is her father. Her Daddy, to be precise."
"I know," she said.
"And Noah," Reid added, exhaling. "Legally he's her father." He shook his head.
"That's not what she thinks," Lily responded.
Reid looked at the little girl snuggled against him, a small toy in her grasp. "Will it matter?"
"I think so," Holden answered. "Noah's made a lot of mistakes, but I think he wants what's best for her."
"You think he'll make a good father?" Reid asked, disbelieving.
"Who knows," Holden answered. "Nobody's a father until they become one. He may rise to the challenge."
"He's off to a great start," Reid said. "Taking off for a month and a half, not telling anyone where he's going, or why."
Holden nodded. "True. And this isn't the first time Noah's run off...well, run from Luke anyway."
"Not by a long shot," Lily added.
"You know what?' Reid asked rhetorically, picking up Sammy and standing. "I really don't want to talk about Noah." He began walking around the room, carrying her. "He had Luke's heart in his hand, and he threw it away - repeatedly - and damn it if I'm going to sit back and watch him do the same to Sammy."
Lily's eyes widened, she smiled, and it looked like she might start crying. She stepped up to Reid and put a hand on his arm. "I am so glad - so incredibly happy - that my son and his daughter have you in their corner." And then she hugged him, wrapping an arm around Sammy as well.
He stared over her shoulder - like a deer in the headlights - at Holden, who looked as if he was trying not to laugh. "Um, thanks...I mean, that's nice?" Reid babbled. And then Holden did laugh.
"What's so funny?" Lily asked, smiling and turning toward her husband. "I mean it."
"I know you do," Holden responded, stepping up and putting an arm around her. Then he looked toward Reid and Sammy. "I mean it, too. The love you have for Luke is so obvious to us both, and we know you don't need - or probably want - our gratitude, but we're grateful still."
Now Reid really didn't know what to say. He stared at them.
Lily broke the silence once more, reading his mind and wiping an actual tear from her eye. "Don't worry. You don't need to say anything."
He smiled a closed-lip smile. "That's...good," he stammered.
The sound of the porch door closing reached them. Then Luke walked in. His eyes found Reid's and he smiled; then so did Reid. Sammy started bouncing, with a "yah, yah, yah" song to announce her enthusiasm for seeing her Daddy.
"There’s my girl," Luke said, smiling just for her as he made his way towards her. He picked her up and snuggled her close, breathing her in. "How's my Sammy?" he asked, giving her a kiss. He stood close to Reid, whose arm went around him.
"Go okay?" Reid asked, referring to his conversation with Noah.
"Yeah," Luke answered. "Okay..." he left it at that.
"So, what happened to calling me the 'all clear'?" Reid asked.
"Yeah, well...by the time Noah left I just wanted to get out of the house, and to find you two," he answered. He leaned over and kissed Reid.
"Well, you found us," Reid responded, returning the kiss.
"That I did," Luke said, smiling and taking a deep contented breath. "That I did."
And again Lily and Holden looked on with smiles in their eyes - looked upon their eldest son and his little family.
next part/
Title: Coming Home
Genre/Type: Romance
Rating: PG-13 to NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Reid, Luke/Noah, Lily/Holden, Casey, Katie, Bob, assorted little people, possibly others
Warnings: None really, except some Nuke intimacy
Summary: Luke and Noah moved to L.A. in the Summer of 2009 for Noah to do his last year of school with an internship of sorts (no Mason, no blindness, etc. Everything else in their history has happened). Reid arrived, temporarily, at Memorial in August 2010.
Previous Chapters: 1/ 2/ 3/ 4/ 5/ 6/ 7/ 8/ 9/ 10/ 11/ 12/ 13/ 14/ 15/ 16/ 17/ 18/ 19/ 20/ 21/ 22/ 23/ 24/ 25/ 26/ 27/ 28/ 29/ 30/ 31/ 32/ 33/ 34/ 35/ 36/ 37/ 38/ 39/ 40/ 41/ 42/ 43/ 44/ 45/ 46/ 47/ 48/ 49/ 50/ 51/ 52/ 53/ 54/ 55/ 56/ 57/
Thank you Slayerkitty for being my beta!!!
**Fairly heavy on Luke/Noah interaction in this chapter - just a fair warning.
CH 58
"You remember what my father was like, Luke. My God, he tried to kill you...because you were gay, and you were making me gay. That's what he thought. He never thought his son could be like that. That's why he was so glad I moved to Oakdale; I had fallen in with 'the wrong sort,' and he was afraid they would make me gay."
"And that's why you had such a hard time coming out," Luke said. "I remember..."
It was just the two of them, and they were at Luke's house. Reid had dropped Sammy off at the farm with Lily and Holden for a few hours. He and Reid had agreed that there probably were things for just he and Noah to discuss.
"Luke, I know that coming out was really difficult for you as well."
"Yeah," Luke agreed. "I always assumed I was straight, and so did everyone around me. Mostly I was worried about the people I loved not loving me anymore."
"Me too," Noah began. "But for me it also went beyond that. You remember how disgusted my father was with my mother's work, her life? So disgusted he hid her, pretending she was dead...eventually killing her anyway."
Luke remembered; he met Noah's gaze and nodded.
"Well, his disgust for homosexuals was even worse," Noah said with a swallow.
Luke could see this was hard for him. He nodded, encouraging Noah to continue.
"He was very vocal about it," Noah continued, breathing in and out. "Any chance he got, he would spout some long, ugly list of insults against...fags and dykes."
Luke could believe this about the colonel. He wondered, in a new way, what it must have been like for Noah to grow up with him, especially when he began to question his sexuality. "When did you start to wonder if you were gay?" Luke asked him.
"For real, a couple years before I met you," Noah said. "But I knew I was attracted to other boys when I was probably thirteen or fourteen."
"It must have been hard for you to hear your dad saying those things...knowing it could be you."
"Oh, but it couldn't," Noah said.
"What do you..." Luke began.
"It couldn't be me. I knew that. I knew I couldn't be the disgusting creature my father was referring to. I knew that I would never want to do the disgusting things my father said fags did. Not me; I was normal. I was a son who would make my father proud. I was normal, Luke. I had to be."
Suddenly Luke could see clearly a "scared straight" teenage Noah; a boy so thoroughly convinced of the grotesqueness of gay men - and especially the things those men did in bed - that he was sure could never be who he was.
"When I came to Oakdale, Luke, I thought I was gay. But I was also determined not to live a gay life. I was going to be the man my father would be proud of."
Luke nodded, remembering.
"And then I met you." He shared a small, sad smile with Luke, and Luke returned it. "And eventually there was no more denying who I was and the life I really wanted - loving a man."
"Noah, how come you never told me all of this before?"
Noah shook his head. "I don't think I was ready to deal with it. I thought it was all buried - for good."
"But something triggered it?" Luke asked. "What?"
Noah licked his lips and avoided Luke's gaze.
"Noah?"
Noah exhaled. "On Valentine's Day...I...overheard you." Luke was confused. "I overheard you and Reid," Noah clarified.
"Me and Reid...?"
"In the bathroom?" Noah said, trying to jog Luke's memory. "At the party?"
Luke thought back, and then it hit him. He and Reid in the bathroom stall. He'd been ready to take Reid then and there...and he'd said so, in no uncertain terms. He felt a blush rise to his cheeks. "Oh...um, well...that's a little bit...uncomfortable." He met Noah's eyes again. "Why did that trigger..." Noah appeared upset. "Noah, this wasn't just jealousy or something, was it?" He looked sideways at Noah. "This triggered something else...something bigger, didn't it?"
Noah seemed very emotional, but afraid to speak. Luke took Noah's hands in his own. "Noah, look at me," he said gently. He repeated that and Noah finally met his eyes and swallowed.
"I was fifteen," Noah said quietly. Luke barely nodded. "Tommy was a year older. Brown eyes you could drown in, a smile that..." And Luke saw Noah smile briefly before biting his lip, suppressing other less-pleasant emotions. "We were just kissing...touching...God, I'd never known anything could feel that good." Suddenly Noah swallowed and sat up straight, pulling himself together.
After a moment, Luke asked, "What happened, Noah?"
Noah shook his head, and exhaled an angry laugh. "What do you think? The Colonel happened."
Luke watched him shake his head. "What did he do, Noah?"
"Not much, really," Noah answered. "But my life was never the same."
Luke waited.
"Before that day, I knew that gays were disgusting, and knew that I wasn't one of them, despite my feelings for Tommy. But after that, I knew that if I ever acted on those feelings again, I would be one.
Luke looked on, with compassion.
"My father changed everything, with one look and a few words...'my son is a stinky, filthy queer'..."
Luke could see that Noah was lost in the past.
"Then all he said was, 'No, no, no' over and over" Noah continued. "He hit me once, pummeled Tommy and threw him out...we never saw each other after that day, Tommy and I...my father, after he threw Tommy out, he held me tight, whispering, 'No, no, no...' and then he just stood up, told me to get washed up for dinner, and walked out."
Noah wiped his face with his hands. "We didn't talk about it after that. But he never missed a chance to point out fags to me after that day. And he gave me books about all the ways gays were perverted, and how they were only interested in sex."
"God, Noah..."
"I ate those books up, Luke. I desperately wanted something - anything - to make my feelings go away. The more I read, the more I connected my desires with disgust. I thought it was working, but of course it wasn't. The desires were still there, they were just laced with disgust - I hated gay men, including myself, and I loathed the things gay men did in bed."
It finally hit Luke; it finally made sense.
"This is why it was so hard for you to have sex with me."
Noah nodded. "I loved you, Luke - I still do - and I wanted you; but I hated what I wanted."
Luke nodded.
"And when I...when I heard you and Reid in the bathroom...you were so...enthusiastic and unashamed." Noah looked at Luke. "I felt...jealous and angry...I heard my father's voice saying the words 'filthy queer' and it almost made me sick...but I also was aroused by the sounds, the words, the idea of you saying those words to me...and again I was jealous, angry, and disgusted all over."
Noah stood up and began pacing, a thing Luke knew he did when he as feeling overwhelmed - like he was ready to bolt. "Noah?"
"I couldn't take it, Luke," Noah said, the panic of that night seeming all too real. "It was too much - all the emotions - everything hitting me all at once. My father's words, his accusing eyes, all of it had been buried so long and so deep, I'd thought they'd never...and there they were, plain as day. And there I was - a fag - my father was right, I was a filthy queer - I wanted those things. I couldn’t make sense of it, so I ran." He made eye contact with Luke. "Like I always do."
Reid approached the front porch of the farmhouse, knocking even as he stomped the mud off his shoes and entered. "Hello!" he called out.
"Come on in, Reid," he heard Holden's unnecessary response as he pushed open the door to the kitchen.
"Look who's back," Lily was saying in her quiet, singsong, grandma voice. "Reid's back."
When Reid actually entered the room, Sammy beamed at him from her spot on Lily' hip. The little girl reached out to him, and Reid quickly found himself scooping her up, planting a kiss on her cheek and settling her against him. "How you been, Munchkin?"
She answered him by bouncing up and down in his arms.
"She's been great," Lily said, reaching out a hand to tickle her tummy.
"How was your morning?" Holden asked him.
"Par for the course," he said.
Holden nodded.
"Are you staying for a bit?" Lily asked. We have some tea and cookies...or do you need to get back to Luke's right off?"
"Um, no," he answered, as he turned around and walked into the living room. "Luke's gonna call and give me the 'all's clear'." He set Sammy down on the floor and pulled a few toys out of the toy box the Snyders had recently reinstalled next to their sofa, placing them on the floor in front of her. She picked up one and tossed it down; then she leaned on to her hands and knees and crawled over to Reid.
"I think she missed you" Holden commented.
He looked down at her and smiled; then he sat down on the floor with his legs stretched out in front of him. She crawled over to him and climbed up on top of him, sitting down with her back against his chest, her thumb going to her mouth.
Holden and Lily looked on as Reid grabbed a small toy from the floor to offer her.
"You're quite the father, Reid," Lily said, breaking the relative silence.
Reid looked up. "Luke is her father. Her Daddy, to be precise."
"I know," she said.
"And Noah," Reid added, exhaling. "Legally he's her father." He shook his head.
"That's not what she thinks," Lily responded.
Reid looked at the little girl snuggled against him, a small toy in her grasp. "Will it matter?"
"I think so," Holden answered. "Noah's made a lot of mistakes, but I think he wants what's best for her."
"You think he'll make a good father?" Reid asked, disbelieving.
"Who knows," Holden answered. "Nobody's a father until they become one. He may rise to the challenge."
"He's off to a great start," Reid said. "Taking off for a month and a half, not telling anyone where he's going, or why."
Holden nodded. "True. And this isn't the first time Noah's run off...well, run from Luke anyway."
"Not by a long shot," Lily added.
"You know what?' Reid asked rhetorically, picking up Sammy and standing. "I really don't want to talk about Noah." He began walking around the room, carrying her. "He had Luke's heart in his hand, and he threw it away - repeatedly - and damn it if I'm going to sit back and watch him do the same to Sammy."
Lily's eyes widened, she smiled, and it looked like she might start crying. She stepped up to Reid and put a hand on his arm. "I am so glad - so incredibly happy - that my son and his daughter have you in their corner." And then she hugged him, wrapping an arm around Sammy as well.
He stared over her shoulder - like a deer in the headlights - at Holden, who looked as if he was trying not to laugh. "Um, thanks...I mean, that's nice?" Reid babbled. And then Holden did laugh.
"What's so funny?" Lily asked, smiling and turning toward her husband. "I mean it."
"I know you do," Holden responded, stepping up and putting an arm around her. Then he looked toward Reid and Sammy. "I mean it, too. The love you have for Luke is so obvious to us both, and we know you don't need - or probably want - our gratitude, but we're grateful still."
Now Reid really didn't know what to say. He stared at them.
Lily broke the silence once more, reading his mind and wiping an actual tear from her eye. "Don't worry. You don't need to say anything."
He smiled a closed-lip smile. "That's...good," he stammered.
The sound of the porch door closing reached them. Then Luke walked in. His eyes found Reid's and he smiled; then so did Reid. Sammy started bouncing, with a "yah, yah, yah" song to announce her enthusiasm for seeing her Daddy.
"There’s my girl," Luke said, smiling just for her as he made his way towards her. He picked her up and snuggled her close, breathing her in. "How's my Sammy?" he asked, giving her a kiss. He stood close to Reid, whose arm went around him.
"Go okay?" Reid asked, referring to his conversation with Noah.
"Yeah," Luke answered. "Okay..." he left it at that.
"So, what happened to calling me the 'all clear'?" Reid asked.
"Yeah, well...by the time Noah left I just wanted to get out of the house, and to find you two," he answered. He leaned over and kissed Reid.
"Well, you found us," Reid responded, returning the kiss.
"That I did," Luke said, smiling and taking a deep contented breath. "That I did."
And again Lily and Holden looked on with smiles in their eyes - looked upon their eldest son and his little family.
next part/