Half-Blood Prince movie parody
Because I couldn't help myself. I tried, however, to do a really short parody this time and really sort of fly through scenes, so it's something of a HBP in 20 Words or Less. Except there's a lot more words than that.
Warning: mature language and a link to TV Tropes *g*.
HARRY POTTER AND THE POORLY EXPLAINED TITLE
or
THE YEAR OF MANY COCKBLOCKS
[Opening Scene]
MUGGLES ARE BORING.
Muggles: We are so boring we all wear grey and drink water from label-less bottles. Nothing orange or poisoned.
Death Eaters: BOOM!
[Train Station]
HARRY ATTEMPS TO BE NORMAL.
Dumbledore: Ahahahahahaaaahhahaha *takes a breath* ahahahahahahaaa--
Harry: Alright, alright, lets go already.
[Slughorn]
THE SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE AWESOMETASTIC AND SLUGHORN IS A CREEP.
Slughorn: I collect students! These are just the photos, the stuffed bodies are far more impressive, but I just keep them in the trunk. On the move this year, you know--
Harry: LEAVING NOW.
[Reunion!]
THE BURROW - NOW IN A CORNFIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
Harry: Hugs for all! Except for Draco, I can't fucking stand him.
SOMEWHERE IN THE MALFOY MANOR:
Draco: Urge to sob into pillow rising!
[Spinner's End]
SNAPE HOLDS HANDS WITH A GIRL!
Snape: And you don't get to watch, Wormtail!
Peter: Hrm, whatever, I found your muggle magazines under the bed. I just need to figure out what rabbits with tuxedo bows have to do with anything.
[Diagon Alley]
WEASLEYS BEAT THE RECESSION!
MALFOYS ACT SUSPICIOUS!
[Hogwarts Express]
Harry: Srsly you guys, you guys srsly. What could Malfoy be up to in a creepy shop behind closed curtains?
Ron: I dunno, pre-ordering the next Twilight book?
Harry: Wow, and I just thought he was a Death Eater.
[Welcome Feast]
THE WORLD HATES SNAPE.
Dumbledore: And Professor Snape will be teaching DADA, quite a shocking revelation that is vital to the plot. Also this movie is named after him. Which is why he will barely get any screentime.
Snape: The world hates me and the feeling is mutual.
[Potions]
HARRY WINS A LUCKY POTION THROUGH SHEER LUCK!
Harry: Story of my life. W00T!
[Tom Riddle the Creepy Child]
Harry: Wow, nice flat-screen pensieve, sir!
Dumbledore: Thank you, Harry, I got it at the Apple store.
[Quidditch Tryouts]
PHALLIC OBJECTS OF PHALLIC PHALLICNESS!
[Hogsmeade]
Hermione: Snogging. I'm comfortable with it. Snogging snogging snogging. Ron, we could be snogging right now and it wouldn't matter. Nope. Nothing to get worked up about. Snoggingsnoggingsnogging. *DRINKS*
[2 hours later]
Ron: Harry, do you think Hermione was saying something about us and snogging?
AND THEN KATIE RUINS EVERYONE'S DAY.
[Slughorn's Dinner Party]
Cormac: I want to do bad things to you, you naughty chocolate eclairs.
[Quidditch]
THE GAME IS IGNORED IN FAVOR OF WATCHING LUNA'S LION HAT.
[Afterparty]
HERMIONE IS NO LONGER COMFORTABLE WITH SNOGGING. SENDS BIRDS ON SUICIDE MISSION.
Draco: Hey, I could have used those!
[Christmas Party]
ASKING CORMAC TO BE YOUR DATE: A RUINED EVENING.
THROWING UP ON SNAPE'S SHOES: 1MONTH'S DETENTION.
SNAPE SHOVING DRACO AGAINST WALLS: PRICELESS.
[Christmas at the Burrow]
Remus: Harry, who Snape does or does not shove against walls in his spare time is his business. Now go off and attempt to be normal.
Bellatrix: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHHHAAA!
Harry: What is this? Harry Potter and the Many Cockblocks?
Bellatrix: I don't know what you're talking about, maniacal laughter is my default mode.
AND THEN HARRY LEFT THE HOMELESS WEASLEYS TO GO BACK TO HOGWARTS.
[Back at Hogwarts]
Dumbledore: Get this memory or we all die a horrible and painful death and it's gonna be your bloody fault, alright?
Harry: Can I just go back to living in a cupboard now?
[Ron's Lucky Day]
ENDORPHINS FROM A LOVE POTION: PRETTY SWEET
GETTING OUT OF SEVERAL DAYS WORTH OF CLASSES: AWESOME
BREAKING UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN YOUR SLEEP WHILE SEVERAL PROFESSORS WATCH FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER: PRICELESS
Dumbledore: Behold, Severus, the normal habits of teenagers.
Snape: The sound you hear is me vigorously not taking notes.
[Sectumsempra]
CUTTING DRACO MALFOY OPEN LIKE A CHRISTMAS HAM: LITERALLY PRICELESS. AS IN, HARRY GETS AWAY SCOT FREE. AND THEN MAKES OUT WITH GINNY.
Harry: Story of my life! Double w00t!
[Felix Felicis]
FELIX FELICIS IS SECRETLY HIGHLY SATURATED SUGARY WATER. WITH WEED.
Slughorn: Allow me to tell you the best piece of canon to come out of these movies so you won't hate me so much after you see this memory.
[Horcruxes]
HORCRUXES ARE KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
Dumbledore: They could be anything! Not at all special magical objects with personal connections to Voldemort that I should have told you about. I mean, because, whatever, you can do some research on those in your own time. But oh boy, I'd sure like to know how you're going to figure out that Nagini is one as well since I didn't even mention you can make living things into Horcruxes. Yup, it's sure gonna suck for you, pal.
Harry: ...I'm sorry, did you say something? I was busy being possessed by something inside of me.
[The Cave]
DUMBLEDORE IS A FUCKING BADASS.
[Astronomy Tower]
Dumbledore: Draco, Draco, you are no killer.
Draco: But I have the tattoo that makes me cool! LOOK!
Dumbledore: Ah, but Draco, there's no crying in Death Eater-ism.
Snape: Move along, expert at killing off lifelong friends, coming through.
HARRY DECIDES TO FOLLOW ORDERS AND TRUST SNAPE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE. 10 SECONDS LATER DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOWER.
Harry: I hate irony so much right now.
[Hogwarts Grounds]
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN BELLATRIX IS THE ONLY PERSON AROUND ENJOYING HERSELF.
Snape: p.s. I'm the Half-Blood Prince
[Touching and Symbolic Tribute to Dumbledore]
BECAUSE HE WAS A FUCKING BADASS.
[In Dumbledore's Office]
McGonagall: Harry, if you need someone to talk to--
Harry: Leave me alone with the plotpoints, woman!
[The Final Scene]
THIS SCENE IS HERE TO REMIND US THAT DRACO WORE LEATHER PANTS IN THIS MOVIE AND THAT RON IS JUST SOME GINGER KID WHO GETS IN THE WAY OF THE HARRY/HERMIONE SHOTS. THANKS, DAVID YATES.
Fawkes: Here, have a phoenix song to make you feel better.
Warning: mature language and a link to TV Tropes *g*.
HARRY POTTER AND THE POORLY EXPLAINED TITLE
or
THE YEAR OF MANY COCKBLOCKS
[Opening Scene]
MUGGLES ARE BORING.
Muggles: We are so boring we all wear grey and drink water from label-less bottles. Nothing orange or poisoned.
Death Eaters: BOOM!
[Train Station]
HARRY ATTEMPS TO BE NORMAL.
Dumbledore: Ahahahahahaaaahhahaha *takes a breath* ahahahahahahaaa--
Harry: Alright, alright, lets go already.
[Slughorn]
THE SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE AWESOMETASTIC AND SLUGHORN IS A CREEP.
Slughorn: I collect students! These are just the photos, the stuffed bodies are far more impressive, but I just keep them in the trunk. On the move this year, you know--
Harry: LEAVING NOW.
[Reunion!]
THE BURROW - NOW IN A CORNFIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!
Harry: Hugs for all! Except for Draco, I can't fucking stand him.
SOMEWHERE IN THE MALFOY MANOR:
Draco: Urge to sob into pillow rising!
[Spinner's End]
SNAPE HOLDS HANDS WITH A GIRL!
Snape: And you don't get to watch, Wormtail!
Peter: Hrm, whatever, I found your muggle magazines under the bed. I just need to figure out what rabbits with tuxedo bows have to do with anything.
[Diagon Alley]
WEASLEYS BEAT THE RECESSION!
MALFOYS ACT SUSPICIOUS!
[Hogwarts Express]
Harry: Srsly you guys, you guys srsly. What could Malfoy be up to in a creepy shop behind closed curtains?
Ron: I dunno, pre-ordering the next Twilight book?
Harry: Wow, and I just thought he was a Death Eater.
[Welcome Feast]
THE WORLD HATES SNAPE.
Dumbledore: And Professor Snape will be teaching DADA, quite a shocking revelation that is vital to the plot. Also this movie is named after him. Which is why he will barely get any screentime.
Snape: The world hates me and the feeling is mutual.
[Potions]
HARRY WINS A LUCKY POTION THROUGH SHEER LUCK!
Harry: Story of my life. W00T!
[Tom Riddle the Creepy Child]
Harry: Wow, nice flat-screen pensieve, sir!
Dumbledore: Thank you, Harry, I got it at the Apple store.
[Quidditch Tryouts]
PHALLIC OBJECTS OF PHALLIC PHALLICNESS!
[Hogsmeade]
Hermione: Snogging. I'm comfortable with it. Snogging snogging snogging. Ron, we could be snogging right now and it wouldn't matter. Nope. Nothing to get worked up about. Snoggingsnoggingsnogging. *DRINKS*
[2 hours later]
Ron: Harry, do you think Hermione was saying something about us and snogging?
AND THEN KATIE RUINS EVERYONE'S DAY.
[Slughorn's Dinner Party]
Cormac: I want to do bad things to you, you naughty chocolate eclairs.
[Quidditch]
THE GAME IS IGNORED IN FAVOR OF WATCHING LUNA'S LION HAT.
[Afterparty]
HERMIONE IS NO LONGER COMFORTABLE WITH SNOGGING. SENDS BIRDS ON SUICIDE MISSION.
Draco: Hey, I could have used those!
[Christmas Party]
ASKING CORMAC TO BE YOUR DATE: A RUINED EVENING.
THROWING UP ON SNAPE'S SHOES: 1MONTH'S DETENTION.
SNAPE SHOVING DRACO AGAINST WALLS: PRICELESS.
[Christmas at the Burrow]
Remus: Harry, who Snape does or does not shove against walls in his spare time is his business. Now go off and attempt to be normal.
Bellatrix: AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHHHAAA!
Harry: What is this? Harry Potter and the Many Cockblocks?
Bellatrix: I don't know what you're talking about, maniacal laughter is my default mode.
AND THEN HARRY LEFT THE HOMELESS WEASLEYS TO GO BACK TO HOGWARTS.
[Back at Hogwarts]
Dumbledore: Get this memory or we all die a horrible and painful death and it's gonna be your bloody fault, alright?
Harry: Can I just go back to living in a cupboard now?
[Ron's Lucky Day]
ENDORPHINS FROM A LOVE POTION: PRETTY SWEET
GETTING OUT OF SEVERAL DAYS WORTH OF CLASSES: AWESOME
BREAKING UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN YOUR SLEEP WHILE SEVERAL PROFESSORS WATCH FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER: PRICELESS
Dumbledore: Behold, Severus, the normal habits of teenagers.
Snape: The sound you hear is me vigorously not taking notes.
[Sectumsempra]
CUTTING DRACO MALFOY OPEN LIKE A CHRISTMAS HAM: LITERALLY PRICELESS. AS IN, HARRY GETS AWAY SCOT FREE. AND THEN MAKES OUT WITH GINNY.
Harry: Story of my life! Double w00t!
[Felix Felicis]
FELIX FELICIS IS SECRETLY HIGHLY SATURATED SUGARY WATER. WITH WEED.
Slughorn: Allow me to tell you the best piece of canon to come out of these movies so you won't hate me so much after you see this memory.
[Horcruxes]
HORCRUXES ARE KIND OF A BIG DEAL.
Dumbledore: They could be anything! Not at all special magical objects with personal connections to Voldemort that I should have told you about. I mean, because, whatever, you can do some research on those in your own time. But oh boy, I'd sure like to know how you're going to figure out that Nagini is one as well since I didn't even mention you can make living things into Horcruxes. Yup, it's sure gonna suck for you, pal.
Harry: ...I'm sorry, did you say something? I was busy being possessed by something inside of me.
[The Cave]
DUMBLEDORE IS A FUCKING BADASS.
[Astronomy Tower]
Dumbledore: Draco, Draco, you are no killer.
Draco: But I have the tattoo that makes me cool! LOOK!
Dumbledore: Ah, but Draco, there's no crying in Death Eater-ism.
Snape: Move along, expert at killing off lifelong friends, coming through.
HARRY DECIDES TO FOLLOW ORDERS AND TRUST SNAPE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE. 10 SECONDS LATER DUMBLEDORE IS DEAD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE TOWER.
Harry: I hate irony so much right now.
[Hogwarts Grounds]
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN BELLATRIX IS THE ONLY PERSON AROUND ENJOYING HERSELF.
Snape: p.s. I'm the Half-Blood Prince
[Touching and Symbolic Tribute to Dumbledore]
BECAUSE HE WAS A FUCKING BADASS.
[In Dumbledore's Office]
McGonagall: Harry, if you need someone to talk to--
Harry: Leave me alone with the plotpoints, woman!
[The Final Scene]
THIS SCENE IS HERE TO REMIND US THAT DRACO WORE LEATHER PANTS IN THIS MOVIE AND THAT RON IS JUST SOME GINGER KID WHO GETS IN THE WAY OF THE HARRY/HERMIONE SHOTS. THANKS, DAVID YATES.
Fawkes: Here, have a phoenix song to make you feel better.