He is always found wearing designer ivory turtlenecks and smelling faintly of mountain lions.
Heh, I got first place in an h_e contest where we had to blog as a character. MY CRACK, LET ME SHOW YOU IT.
Title: Breaking news!
Word Count: 575
Rating: G
Dear readers,
Welcome to the first blog post on the Quibbler’s website, www.thequibbleronline.wz! I am Luna Lovegood and I’m very happy that our paper is the first wizarding publication to be on the Internet, a quite fascinating Muggle invention. Our next edition will feature an interview with Mr. Arthur Weasley, one of the top experts on all things Muggle.
Meanwhile, I am here to bring you breaking news! As you may remember, three weeks ago the wizarding world was shocked after The Quibbler reported that a young couple on vacation in the United States reported a sighting of none other than Cedric Diggory, Triwizard Chamption, who was supposedly killed by the Dark Lord five years ago. One of the witnesses is Hannah Abbott, who was a fellow Hufflepuff student while Diggory was at Hogwarts, and she says there’s no way she could be mistaken after many years of seeing Diggory’s photograph in the common room. Unfortunately, she did not get a chance to talk to him as he proceeded to jump on the nearest tree and “climb like a spider monkey in a real hurry.”
The Quibbler immediately sent out our own team of investigators into the area, and what we found was extraordinary! The man is not, alas, Cedric Diggory, but HE IS CEDRIC’S LONG-LOST TWIN BROTHER! Their identical physical features speak volumes, but the more shocking discovery is that the poor man has been driven into insanity after years of exposure to certain creatures that live in the forests of the northern United States. There is in fact a serious infestation of gulping plimpies, which cling to human skin and give off a powerful sparkling effect when exposed to sunlight. More tragically, “Edward” (this is what he calls himself) suffers from obvious brain damage after years of exposure to the magic vapor given off by the breath of umgubular slashkilters. I have always warned people about these creatures and this is the worst case I have seen- “Edward” has developed an unshakable belief that he is a 117-year old vampire married to a muggle named “Bella”. When our reporters asked to meet her, he refused to bring her anywhere close to such “odd, dangerous people”.
“Edward” had no visible wand and seemingly no knowledge of his magical abilities, even though it seems he performed a powerful wandless spell allowing him to run very quickly. It is unknown where he lives, but he is always found wearing designer ivory turtlenecks and smelling faintly of mountain lions. The Ministry of Magic refuses to intervene as he is located in the United States, and I would like to kindly ask the vampire community to not attack or in any way harass this poor man, no matter how offended you are by his claim to be one of you. Eldred Worple, the author of “Blood Brothers: My Life Amongst the Vampires”, agrees that nothing but severe mental shock could lead a man who has obvious magical abilities but no fangs or an aversion to garlic to want to belong to an oppressed and unfairly hunted species. “Also, I heard he sparkles in the sun. What kind of a vampire would do that?” said Mr. Worple.
If you would like to join future Quibbler investigative teams, please comment to this post or send us an owl. The next one in search of “Edward” will take place as soon as we find a healer who can banish umgubular slashkilters.
Title: Breaking news!
Word Count: 575
Rating: G
Dear readers,
Welcome to the first blog post on the Quibbler’s website, www.thequibbleronline.wz! I am Luna Lovegood and I’m very happy that our paper is the first wizarding publication to be on the Internet, a quite fascinating Muggle invention. Our next edition will feature an interview with Mr. Arthur Weasley, one of the top experts on all things Muggle.
Meanwhile, I am here to bring you breaking news! As you may remember, three weeks ago the wizarding world was shocked after The Quibbler reported that a young couple on vacation in the United States reported a sighting of none other than Cedric Diggory, Triwizard Chamption, who was supposedly killed by the Dark Lord five years ago. One of the witnesses is Hannah Abbott, who was a fellow Hufflepuff student while Diggory was at Hogwarts, and she says there’s no way she could be mistaken after many years of seeing Diggory’s photograph in the common room. Unfortunately, she did not get a chance to talk to him as he proceeded to jump on the nearest tree and “climb like a spider monkey in a real hurry.”
The Quibbler immediately sent out our own team of investigators into the area, and what we found was extraordinary! The man is not, alas, Cedric Diggory, but HE IS CEDRIC’S LONG-LOST TWIN BROTHER! Their identical physical features speak volumes, but the more shocking discovery is that the poor man has been driven into insanity after years of exposure to certain creatures that live in the forests of the northern United States. There is in fact a serious infestation of gulping plimpies, which cling to human skin and give off a powerful sparkling effect when exposed to sunlight. More tragically, “Edward” (this is what he calls himself) suffers from obvious brain damage after years of exposure to the magic vapor given off by the breath of umgubular slashkilters. I have always warned people about these creatures and this is the worst case I have seen- “Edward” has developed an unshakable belief that he is a 117-year old vampire married to a muggle named “Bella”. When our reporters asked to meet her, he refused to bring her anywhere close to such “odd, dangerous people”.
“Edward” had no visible wand and seemingly no knowledge of his magical abilities, even though it seems he performed a powerful wandless spell allowing him to run very quickly. It is unknown where he lives, but he is always found wearing designer ivory turtlenecks and smelling faintly of mountain lions. The Ministry of Magic refuses to intervene as he is located in the United States, and I would like to kindly ask the vampire community to not attack or in any way harass this poor man, no matter how offended you are by his claim to be one of you. Eldred Worple, the author of “Blood Brothers: My Life Amongst the Vampires”, agrees that nothing but severe mental shock could lead a man who has obvious magical abilities but no fangs or an aversion to garlic to want to belong to an oppressed and unfairly hunted species. “Also, I heard he sparkles in the sun. What kind of a vampire would do that?” said Mr. Worple.
If you would like to join future Quibbler investigative teams, please comment to this post or send us an owl. The next one in search of “Edward” will take place as soon as we find a healer who can banish umgubular slashkilters.