11/26/09.
no real motive behind this one. i'm just writing because i'm awake right now with no one to talk to. i should really be deleting files but i just end up overwhelmed. i'm thinking of buying an external harddrive... that's like $100, right? either that or a new computer altogether. a cheap macbook? haha, "cheap". well it would be the clean slate i'm looking for. new camera/ new computer. i swear i wont be materialistic no more. no more. shit's essential though. i gotta start taking pictures again or else i'm gonna go nuts. i'm losing myself. if there was one thing, it'd be taking pictures. it was the only way i really knew how to express myself. when i write i'm only vague. even in private entries. maybe it's a style of writing i developed... but i don't wanna have to fill in the blanks.
i'm still at michael's, still stressing over a PART TIME job. hmm. i'm far too serious about it but i can't seem to let go. a lot's happened: i was offered two different positions and denied them both. i tried them but i dunno, i don't think it was the right time. afterall, this is my first job. amazing though that i got offered shit when i've been there for six months. i do pride myself on being a very hardworker. i was like that with school. but like school, i get sick about this job. i'm too serious, haha. dont' wanna let people down but i do it anyway. :|
i've been spending what days i do have off with my family. jenn's been coming over with the baby, and lily's really growing. i know i mentioned somethin like this a few months ago, but she really is amazing. paul asked me what things make me happy and i told him straight up: lily. she's the only good thing i can think of. maybe i'm not doin' much thinking though. it's thanksgiving, so i gotta be more appreciative/ gotta dig deeper. i'm thankful that i'm living, i'm happy my parents are still together, i'm happy i got rid of the toxic people in my life, i'm thankful for lily, thankful i have a job right now and am able to help out when i can, i'm happy i've got new york.. and an idea of a future, thankful for friends from faraway places. thankful just to be alive, to be able to feel things. thankful that i've got all my senses, and we've still got our planet. global warming... well! okay, just those really nice days that are out of place in october. aka halloween day. you'd figure it to be a lot more chilly aye?! it wasn't even light jacket weather! i was thankful i hung out with ashlee and her family that day (i was finally getting a taste of normalcy then i retreated) misss herrrr. i miss those hangouts with her and dawson and ricky. we had ourselves a nice little clique, and then we drifted. was quicker than the continents. thankful for music in cars, feelin' it all around me. headphones. i'm thankful for colours. i'm thankful for that fact that says there's at least one person thinking of you. i am the center of someone's universe and you are too. i appreciate the true ones... the always true ones. i'm thankful i'm not an only child. i couldn't imagine going through life without my sisters and brother, not to be all ghey. and yes, maybe that should be it for now.
i suppose i should sleep, but now i'm just fucking around. my legs hurt pretty badly right now. i remember when i was younger and they used to hurt, i'd be in so much pain and all i'd have to do was call for my mom and she'd come in and rub them. i don't know if the rubbing helped or if her just being there was comforting. i can't remember which it was! i wish someone would come and rub my legs right now... they ache :| too long of a day at work today and i gotta go back tomorrow (well technically today, on thanksgiving i know) so i'll say goodnight now. late
i'm still at michael's, still stressing over a PART TIME job. hmm. i'm far too serious about it but i can't seem to let go. a lot's happened: i was offered two different positions and denied them both. i tried them but i dunno, i don't think it was the right time. afterall, this is my first job. amazing though that i got offered shit when i've been there for six months. i do pride myself on being a very hardworker. i was like that with school. but like school, i get sick about this job. i'm too serious, haha. dont' wanna let people down but i do it anyway. :|
i've been spending what days i do have off with my family. jenn's been coming over with the baby, and lily's really growing. i know i mentioned somethin like this a few months ago, but she really is amazing. paul asked me what things make me happy and i told him straight up: lily. she's the only good thing i can think of. maybe i'm not doin' much thinking though. it's thanksgiving, so i gotta be more appreciative/ gotta dig deeper. i'm thankful that i'm living, i'm happy my parents are still together, i'm happy i got rid of the toxic people in my life, i'm thankful for lily, thankful i have a job right now and am able to help out when i can, i'm happy i've got new york.. and an idea of a future, thankful for friends from faraway places. thankful just to be alive, to be able to feel things. thankful that i've got all my senses, and we've still got our planet. global warming... well! okay, just those really nice days that are out of place in october. aka halloween day. you'd figure it to be a lot more chilly aye?! it wasn't even light jacket weather! i was thankful i hung out with ashlee and her family that day (i was finally getting a taste of normalcy then i retreated) misss herrrr. i miss those hangouts with her and dawson and ricky. we had ourselves a nice little clique, and then we drifted. was quicker than the continents. thankful for music in cars, feelin' it all around me. headphones. i'm thankful for colours. i'm thankful for that fact that says there's at least one person thinking of you. i am the center of someone's universe and you are too. i appreciate the true ones... the always true ones. i'm thankful i'm not an only child. i couldn't imagine going through life without my sisters and brother, not to be all ghey. and yes, maybe that should be it for now.
i suppose i should sleep, but now i'm just fucking around. my legs hurt pretty badly right now. i remember when i was younger and they used to hurt, i'd be in so much pain and all i'd have to do was call for my mom and she'd come in and rub them. i don't know if the rubbing helped or if her just being there was comforting. i can't remember which it was! i wish someone would come and rub my legs right now... they ache :| too long of a day at work today and i gotta go back tomorrow (well technically today, on thanksgiving i know) so i'll say goodnight now. late