memories
A song, a tune, notes come over a radio and you are transported back. Back to a time you barely remember most of the time. A time you sometimes wish never happened. A time like dark days when your pulse slowed to match the pain felt in your veins. And it comes rushing back like whiplash and your mind reals with the realization of feelings you'd forgotten and wishes you can barely imagine conceptualizing. Dragging onto the memory, the song brings more of the reality to a head in your mind. Lost you can't help but to remember.
There are songs we wish we never knew. Or maybe a time, a place, a wish, a desire, or a lack thereof. There are suicide ideations we never admitted aloud. There are times when jumping off a bridge would have been easier than walking. There were moments in between tears when all you could think about was the anguish and all you wanted was it to end. To be teased and hated and manipulated and beaten. To be sexually abused and neglected and forgotten. To be torn down by those you loved. Or who were supposed to love you. To want death before you even understood love.
And the notes keep coming and you break down for a moment, just a moment, to sit down and feel it all again. Because the lyrics and the pain in the song is overwhelming and it keeps pulling you deeper into what you used to know. What you used to understand. Who you used to be.
And the line between then and now is so hard to understand. Never thought you'd live until 26. Ticking time bomb. Yourself. You'd be your own explosion. You could easily have extinguished your own flame years ago. But there were other songs, tunes, and notes that kept you here. Alive. Maybe made you realize you were more than that tear. Maybe made you understand that life is made up of feelings that are expressed more so than words could ever say or could ever hope to dream about.
And of course there was you. But that is another story for another day. And if the moment never comes and if I never make it past this line I'd just say thanks. Thanks for keeping me alive in a time when I didn't know I had time. When time was a curse and I was holding the snuffer. You and my music were all I had. The words you spoke to me in the rain, "what if my life's sole purpose was to keep you alive?" means so much more now....
I'm broken and I fall down and pick myself up and keep walking. I have a lot of scars and a lot of stories. And I have a lot of music. Each one holds the key to a memory. And some keep a hold of my shadow as I pass them by.
There are songs we wish we never knew. Or maybe a time, a place, a wish, a desire, or a lack thereof. There are suicide ideations we never admitted aloud. There are times when jumping off a bridge would have been easier than walking. There were moments in between tears when all you could think about was the anguish and all you wanted was it to end. To be teased and hated and manipulated and beaten. To be sexually abused and neglected and forgotten. To be torn down by those you loved. Or who were supposed to love you. To want death before you even understood love.
And the notes keep coming and you break down for a moment, just a moment, to sit down and feel it all again. Because the lyrics and the pain in the song is overwhelming and it keeps pulling you deeper into what you used to know. What you used to understand. Who you used to be.
And the line between then and now is so hard to understand. Never thought you'd live until 26. Ticking time bomb. Yourself. You'd be your own explosion. You could easily have extinguished your own flame years ago. But there were other songs, tunes, and notes that kept you here. Alive. Maybe made you realize you were more than that tear. Maybe made you understand that life is made up of feelings that are expressed more so than words could ever say or could ever hope to dream about.
And of course there was you. But that is another story for another day. And if the moment never comes and if I never make it past this line I'd just say thanks. Thanks for keeping me alive in a time when I didn't know I had time. When time was a curse and I was holding the snuffer. You and my music were all I had. The words you spoke to me in the rain, "what if my life's sole purpose was to keep you alive?" means so much more now....
I'm broken and I fall down and pick myself up and keep walking. I have a lot of scars and a lot of stories. And I have a lot of music. Each one holds the key to a memory. And some keep a hold of my shadow as I pass them by.