(no subject)
I actually got to talk more with Zander today. We both finished early with the test in Chem, and I asked the teacher if I could go outside to study for a test in another class. The teacher likes me, despite the fact that I completely failed one of his pop quizzes earlier this year, and so he let me go. A few minutes later Zander came out, too. At first we were both studying--me for Lit, him for Mandarin (he takes it but he's not in my class)--but then somehow a conversation started and we were talking about our siblings before I realized we'd gotten off of the generic "safe subject" that is school and school life. He's got a younger sister who's just a year older than Tatch. He's the only boy in his family, and the eldest child, so he was complaining a bit about how difficult it is for him, because everyone in his family expects him to succeed and yet they don't quite understand him. Then I found it necessary to inform him that younger siblings don't exactly get it easy, because we have to work to live up to whatever it is the older siblings have done. I got a little annoyed, and started talking about Zoë and how she was going to an interstellar-class university and I was expected to match up.
And then we started talking about careers. Oh, boy--apparently I'm not the only honors student who's uncertain about the future. Zander sounded just like me. His mother's a technical engineer, and his father works in the propulsion industry, working on fuel efficiency or something complicated like that. I believe Zander's exact words were, "I don't even understand what father does, but it makes money and keeps me and my sister in school so I don't complain." I think that that's a good way to look at it, at the moment. I know that I didn't understand everything that father did for work (or I suppose I should still say "does," for the next three days at least), but it still kept food on the table.
I think that the weirdest thing about our few minutes of conversation was that it all felt comfortable. I'd be lying if I said that I knew Zander particularly well; I think the only classes I have with him are Chem and Calc. Last year, he might have been in a class or two of mine--he must have been, for me to know him--but we didn't really talk. And yet I found out today that I felt perfectly all right just discussing the little things, the things that generally aren't brought up because people assume that they're so trivial that they just don't matter. I got to talk to him about a lot of the simple things in my life that are plaguing me, like family expectations. And I like to think that he benefited from our casual conversation as well. I like to think that he didn't just continue the conversation in order to be polite; I like to think that he enjoyed talking with me just as much as I enjoyed talking with him. Talking with him--not to him or at him, as so often happens when you're in a situation where you don't want to be involved. There was a give and take in our conversation, an ease of understanding, that I honestly haven't felt enough of lately.
It's odd to realize…but I haven't felt that sort of conversational intimacy with Stel or Dara lately. I think that Stel might be a little miffed about the election thing. Looking back, I realize that I was really harsh on her. In order to forget about my own problems, I found something to use as a distraction and essentially staged a hostile takeover of that activity. Except it was something that Stel had always been intending to do on her own… I guess, looking back on how I've been acting lately, I don't blame her for doing what she did. In a similar situation, I would have probably been annoyed at me as well.
When I'm feeling inadequate or insecure, I tend to try to assert my control over whatever areas I can. In this case, it happened to be the whole Stel election thing. Except whenever I take over these activities, I hurt people's feelings. I don't want to be seen as angry, mean, and domineering…but that's how I can get to be sometimes, whether or not I realize it. Stel's probably completely justified in shying away from me a bit, especially after what happened when I heard she'd lost the election. I was really undiplomatic, and probably rude to Jerry, I guess. I don't know…that day's still a bit of a haze in my memory, clouded by the fact that it was the day when I learned that my father would be leaving his work. But I was probably a bit of an embarrassment. Okay, scratch that: a lot of an embarrassment.
I should probably find Stel and apologize to her. I know she probably knows I'm sorry…but still, it's something that I need to tell her, face to face. Except it's hard for that to work when she isn't exactly planning to allow mw to talk to her face to face for at least a little while longer. (And I'm probably putting this a little out of proportion--at least some of her non-communication with me probably has to do with the strenuous nature of her course schedule. At least, that's what I'm hoping, because if she's really that mad at me still, then I'm worried. If she's really mad at me still, I've made an irreversible mistake.)
I have no explanation for why I haven't seen Dara lately, except to assume that she's busy, too, or maybe spending her time with Stel since I'm not. I don't know. They knew each other before they knew me--I met Stel through Dara, actually. And because of this, the bond that they share together has always been slightly stronger than the bond I share with either of them. They've never argued or fought seriously; any harsh words said between the two of them are immediately apologized for, and they're back to normal. But I've almost had real fights with Stel and with Dara. They do things sometimes that just get on my nerves. They're great people…but I don't think I could live with them. However, when they're on their own, they don't seem to have that sort of problem.
I don't know. This year just seems to be bringing out and magnifying some of the worst of my problems. I don't know how quite to cope with it. It's a new experience. One I'd obviously hope not to repeat next year, or next week. I don't even think that I want tomorrow to be a repeat of today or yesterday. It's not that this week has been actively bad…it's just (as usual) forced me to think about things that I am generally not requited to contemplate. Lately, I feel that I am losing whatever was left of my innocence. The sad thing is--I don't know what I'm gaining in return, except for maybe pain…
And then we started talking about careers. Oh, boy--apparently I'm not the only honors student who's uncertain about the future. Zander sounded just like me. His mother's a technical engineer, and his father works in the propulsion industry, working on fuel efficiency or something complicated like that. I believe Zander's exact words were, "I don't even understand what father does, but it makes money and keeps me and my sister in school so I don't complain." I think that that's a good way to look at it, at the moment. I know that I didn't understand everything that father did for work (or I suppose I should still say "does," for the next three days at least), but it still kept food on the table.
I think that the weirdest thing about our few minutes of conversation was that it all felt comfortable. I'd be lying if I said that I knew Zander particularly well; I think the only classes I have with him are Chem and Calc. Last year, he might have been in a class or two of mine--he must have been, for me to know him--but we didn't really talk. And yet I found out today that I felt perfectly all right just discussing the little things, the things that generally aren't brought up because people assume that they're so trivial that they just don't matter. I got to talk to him about a lot of the simple things in my life that are plaguing me, like family expectations. And I like to think that he benefited from our casual conversation as well. I like to think that he didn't just continue the conversation in order to be polite; I like to think that he enjoyed talking with me just as much as I enjoyed talking with him. Talking with him--not to him or at him, as so often happens when you're in a situation where you don't want to be involved. There was a give and take in our conversation, an ease of understanding, that I honestly haven't felt enough of lately.
It's odd to realize…but I haven't felt that sort of conversational intimacy with Stel or Dara lately. I think that Stel might be a little miffed about the election thing. Looking back, I realize that I was really harsh on her. In order to forget about my own problems, I found something to use as a distraction and essentially staged a hostile takeover of that activity. Except it was something that Stel had always been intending to do on her own… I guess, looking back on how I've been acting lately, I don't blame her for doing what she did. In a similar situation, I would have probably been annoyed at me as well.
When I'm feeling inadequate or insecure, I tend to try to assert my control over whatever areas I can. In this case, it happened to be the whole Stel election thing. Except whenever I take over these activities, I hurt people's feelings. I don't want to be seen as angry, mean, and domineering…but that's how I can get to be sometimes, whether or not I realize it. Stel's probably completely justified in shying away from me a bit, especially after what happened when I heard she'd lost the election. I was really undiplomatic, and probably rude to Jerry, I guess. I don't know…that day's still a bit of a haze in my memory, clouded by the fact that it was the day when I learned that my father would be leaving his work. But I was probably a bit of an embarrassment. Okay, scratch that: a lot of an embarrassment.
I should probably find Stel and apologize to her. I know she probably knows I'm sorry…but still, it's something that I need to tell her, face to face. Except it's hard for that to work when she isn't exactly planning to allow mw to talk to her face to face for at least a little while longer. (And I'm probably putting this a little out of proportion--at least some of her non-communication with me probably has to do with the strenuous nature of her course schedule. At least, that's what I'm hoping, because if she's really that mad at me still, then I'm worried. If she's really mad at me still, I've made an irreversible mistake.)
I have no explanation for why I haven't seen Dara lately, except to assume that she's busy, too, or maybe spending her time with Stel since I'm not. I don't know. They knew each other before they knew me--I met Stel through Dara, actually. And because of this, the bond that they share together has always been slightly stronger than the bond I share with either of them. They've never argued or fought seriously; any harsh words said between the two of them are immediately apologized for, and they're back to normal. But I've almost had real fights with Stel and with Dara. They do things sometimes that just get on my nerves. They're great people…but I don't think I could live with them. However, when they're on their own, they don't seem to have that sort of problem.
I don't know. This year just seems to be bringing out and magnifying some of the worst of my problems. I don't know how quite to cope with it. It's a new experience. One I'd obviously hope not to repeat next year, or next week. I don't even think that I want tomorrow to be a repeat of today or yesterday. It's not that this week has been actively bad…it's just (as usual) forced me to think about things that I am generally not requited to contemplate. Lately, I feel that I am losing whatever was left of my innocence. The sad thing is--I don't know what I'm gaining in return, except for maybe pain…