(no subject)
My world has fallen to pieces, and all I was able to do was watch in horror as it came crashing down around me.
Stel lost the election. Anyone reading the above and then hearing this afterwards would think I'm crazy. I think I was crazy. But compared to what happened afterward, Stel's loss is nothing.
And that sounds crass, too, but I don't know quite how to say this, I'm still confused and it's all really not making any sense and my father's been fired.
Well, the appropriate term is really "laid off," because "fired" implies that he was bad at his job. Really, he was just unlucky. Because the company he worked for merged with another company and they had to downsize and lay off workers. And my father was one of the ones to go, because he was one of the newer ones in the company. They kept some of the old members of the company, who'd been working with it from the start. Father had been working with this company for fifteen years, and he was laid off.
Well, he still has two weeks. Two weeks' pay, however, isn't that much in the long run. He's already got to start looking for another job--unemployment payments can't support Zoë through college.
Oh gods, I can't even think straight. I don't know how to describe it. I'm afraid that everything I'm saying is so pathetically out of sequence and nonsensical. So maybe I'll try to lay it all out in the order in which it happened, and then worry about thinking about it.
Well, Stel lost the election to Jerry at school. Stel wasn't disappointed by it too much--she told me she didn't really care that she wasn't going to be a part of Student Body. But I was really upset. And then there was the fact that Joshua tried to talk to me today in English, and attempted to follow me to Chem. I made up an excuse to use the girls' bathroom--at least he can't follow me there.
So I was sufficiently annoyed by the time that I came home, at around 1600 hours, it took me a minute to realize that father was already home. In fact, it wasn't until I had put down my books and backpack in my room that I realized that I had walked past my father, who had been sitting on the couch, his head in his hands.
Now, father being home that early on a work day is never a good sign. The last time I came home on a school day and father was there, it was when he'd just been told the news about his parents' deaths. I was only five years old at the time, but I still remember knowing from the moment I walked into the house that something as wrong. As mother explained to be that there had been an accident, and I wouldn't get to see Grandma and Grandpa Grimm any more, all I could think about was the look on my father's face. I was five years old then, and didn't really understand death, but I understood my father's sadness, and despair. I understood that something had gone horribly wrong, and that my "daddy" was upset. Then, I didn't believe that he could be sad in the first place.
Now...now I'm grown up. Now I know that things can happen that are bad for my father. I know now that my parents aren't invincible. The world hurts them just as much as the world hurts me--I know that.
But it's like I was saying before. I've never felt defeat. Well, cross that out--I had never felt defeat, before today. The other day, when I was talking about defeat, I was obviously referring to Stel's election. And I'll admit--sitting there and watching the current Student Body class welcome Jerry into their ranks instead of Stel felt like one of the worse things I'd experienced. But this...knowing that father is out of a job, and understanding the harsh reality of what that means...it's so impossibly worse. It's infinitely more real than a class election; more real than anything I've had to deal with before, if real means harsh and cruel and cold.
So mother and father are keeping things light around Tatch. Somehow, they think that he'll totally freak out if he realizes what it means that father's out of a job, and he's crazy enough as it is. But Grandma Annie knows, and I do too. And that means that the whole family is even more tense than usual, though apparently Tatch doesn't see it (yet).
But sooner or later, we'll have to let Zoë know, too. I feel so sorry for her. I know that she sort of had a job, to help with paying for college, but it'll be nearly impossible for her to continue on at Omega University--it's too far from home, she has to play off-planet tuition on top of all the regular fees. It's just going to be too hard to do; chances are she'll have to get a better job.
Now, if there were more opportunities on the moon for people to be hired as techs, this whole thing wouldn't be so much of a fiasco. Father would work his last two weeks, we'd get a few of the unemployment checks, and by the time father's four months were up, he'd have another, well-paying jobs. But that won't happen, because there are too many techs on the moon as it is, and in order to be hired, father would need to have much more technical education than he does. If he were on another planet, he'd have a better chance, since most technology is created places other than the moon. Humanity's first colony is no longer accorded the same scientific respect that it once garnered. No longer is Luna the center of intellect and industry. Now, those who live on the moon are the left behind ones. If people can be left overs...then that's what we are. But throwing out all of the metaphors and exaggerated similes, there just aren't any opportunities for technical engineers on the moon any more. Now, if Grandma would let us move off of this silly, abandoned satellite and find some place where father could get a better job… But that’s a useless line of thought, because Grandma Annie has made it clear: for as long as she is alive, she will not live any further than this from Earth.
I don’t see what there is left on Earth that ties her so strongly to that half-dead ball of rock and soil and sand and atmosphere spinning all on its own through desolate space.
Mother doesn't make enough to support our entire family, and father makes much more than the unemployment checks will compensate for. Financially, we're going to have to start to run a much tighter ship. There won't be any more extraneous spending, that's for sure; there won't be any more coffee in the mornings for me, or computer games for Tatch. I don't know how we are going to manage with paying for Grandma Annie's medications and health bills. I don't even know how expensive it is, to have an extra person in the house...but I never thought that I'd have to find out. Hopefully, I still won't have to.
I guess I didn't think about money very much at all up until now. It's hard, as a child, to think about how much you spend on things you don't need. But I'm worried about the situation of our family, now. I know I won't really be spending any money for a long time.
Mother came in a few minutes before I started writing this, to talk to me about what was going to happen. "Don't worry about this," was the thing she kept on saying. It was practically her mantra--like as long as I wasn't worried, we'd be okay. "It's my issue and your father's issue," she said, "but all that you can do is keep up your life like you have been doing. Don't worry for us." The implied pair of this sentence was as clear in my mind as if she had voiced it aloud: We can worry enough on our own without you having to worry as well.
Nonetheless, I know that I will worry. For the first time within my memory, my father is out of a job--how could I not be worried?
But at the same time... worrying won't be the most productive thing for me to do. Worrying won't get me anywhere I want to be. All I can really do is sit and wait and hope that things get better...
After being in so many situations where sitting and watching and waiting are my only options, I have become sick of them. What would be wrong about me getting into a situation where, for once, I will be able to take action?
Stel lost the election. Anyone reading the above and then hearing this afterwards would think I'm crazy. I think I was crazy. But compared to what happened afterward, Stel's loss is nothing.
And that sounds crass, too, but I don't know quite how to say this, I'm still confused and it's all really not making any sense and my father's been fired.
Well, the appropriate term is really "laid off," because "fired" implies that he was bad at his job. Really, he was just unlucky. Because the company he worked for merged with another company and they had to downsize and lay off workers. And my father was one of the ones to go, because he was one of the newer ones in the company. They kept some of the old members of the company, who'd been working with it from the start. Father had been working with this company for fifteen years, and he was laid off.
Well, he still has two weeks. Two weeks' pay, however, isn't that much in the long run. He's already got to start looking for another job--unemployment payments can't support Zoë through college.
Oh gods, I can't even think straight. I don't know how to describe it. I'm afraid that everything I'm saying is so pathetically out of sequence and nonsensical. So maybe I'll try to lay it all out in the order in which it happened, and then worry about thinking about it.
Well, Stel lost the election to Jerry at school. Stel wasn't disappointed by it too much--she told me she didn't really care that she wasn't going to be a part of Student Body. But I was really upset. And then there was the fact that Joshua tried to talk to me today in English, and attempted to follow me to Chem. I made up an excuse to use the girls' bathroom--at least he can't follow me there.
So I was sufficiently annoyed by the time that I came home, at around 1600 hours, it took me a minute to realize that father was already home. In fact, it wasn't until I had put down my books and backpack in my room that I realized that I had walked past my father, who had been sitting on the couch, his head in his hands.
Now, father being home that early on a work day is never a good sign. The last time I came home on a school day and father was there, it was when he'd just been told the news about his parents' deaths. I was only five years old at the time, but I still remember knowing from the moment I walked into the house that something as wrong. As mother explained to be that there had been an accident, and I wouldn't get to see Grandma and Grandpa Grimm any more, all I could think about was the look on my father's face. I was five years old then, and didn't really understand death, but I understood my father's sadness, and despair. I understood that something had gone horribly wrong, and that my "daddy" was upset. Then, I didn't believe that he could be sad in the first place.
Now...now I'm grown up. Now I know that things can happen that are bad for my father. I know now that my parents aren't invincible. The world hurts them just as much as the world hurts me--I know that.
But it's like I was saying before. I've never felt defeat. Well, cross that out--I had never felt defeat, before today. The other day, when I was talking about defeat, I was obviously referring to Stel's election. And I'll admit--sitting there and watching the current Student Body class welcome Jerry into their ranks instead of Stel felt like one of the worse things I'd experienced. But this...knowing that father is out of a job, and understanding the harsh reality of what that means...it's so impossibly worse. It's infinitely more real than a class election; more real than anything I've had to deal with before, if real means harsh and cruel and cold.
So mother and father are keeping things light around Tatch. Somehow, they think that he'll totally freak out if he realizes what it means that father's out of a job, and he's crazy enough as it is. But Grandma Annie knows, and I do too. And that means that the whole family is even more tense than usual, though apparently Tatch doesn't see it (yet).
But sooner or later, we'll have to let Zoë know, too. I feel so sorry for her. I know that she sort of had a job, to help with paying for college, but it'll be nearly impossible for her to continue on at Omega University--it's too far from home, she has to play off-planet tuition on top of all the regular fees. It's just going to be too hard to do; chances are she'll have to get a better job.
Now, if there were more opportunities on the moon for people to be hired as techs, this whole thing wouldn't be so much of a fiasco. Father would work his last two weeks, we'd get a few of the unemployment checks, and by the time father's four months were up, he'd have another, well-paying jobs. But that won't happen, because there are too many techs on the moon as it is, and in order to be hired, father would need to have much more technical education than he does. If he were on another planet, he'd have a better chance, since most technology is created places other than the moon. Humanity's first colony is no longer accorded the same scientific respect that it once garnered. No longer is Luna the center of intellect and industry. Now, those who live on the moon are the left behind ones. If people can be left overs...then that's what we are. But throwing out all of the metaphors and exaggerated similes, there just aren't any opportunities for technical engineers on the moon any more. Now, if Grandma would let us move off of this silly, abandoned satellite and find some place where father could get a better job… But that’s a useless line of thought, because Grandma Annie has made it clear: for as long as she is alive, she will not live any further than this from Earth.
I don’t see what there is left on Earth that ties her so strongly to that half-dead ball of rock and soil and sand and atmosphere spinning all on its own through desolate space.
Mother doesn't make enough to support our entire family, and father makes much more than the unemployment checks will compensate for. Financially, we're going to have to start to run a much tighter ship. There won't be any more extraneous spending, that's for sure; there won't be any more coffee in the mornings for me, or computer games for Tatch. I don't know how we are going to manage with paying for Grandma Annie's medications and health bills. I don't even know how expensive it is, to have an extra person in the house...but I never thought that I'd have to find out. Hopefully, I still won't have to.
I guess I didn't think about money very much at all up until now. It's hard, as a child, to think about how much you spend on things you don't need. But I'm worried about the situation of our family, now. I know I won't really be spending any money for a long time.
Mother came in a few minutes before I started writing this, to talk to me about what was going to happen. "Don't worry about this," was the thing she kept on saying. It was practically her mantra--like as long as I wasn't worried, we'd be okay. "It's my issue and your father's issue," she said, "but all that you can do is keep up your life like you have been doing. Don't worry for us." The implied pair of this sentence was as clear in my mind as if she had voiced it aloud: We can worry enough on our own without you having to worry as well.
Nonetheless, I know that I will worry. For the first time within my memory, my father is out of a job--how could I not be worried?
But at the same time... worrying won't be the most productive thing for me to do. Worrying won't get me anywhere I want to be. All I can really do is sit and wait and hope that things get better...
After being in so many situations where sitting and watching and waiting are my only options, I have become sick of them. What would be wrong about me getting into a situation where, for once, I will be able to take action?