Two discoveries.
Well, folks, I've discovered the key to being left alone and having privacy.
Locked doors.
You see, if you lock the door, then no one can enter without your permission and/or knowledge. Sure, we all knock on doors before entering, but how many people actually fucking wait for the 'Come in!' before barging in? And my sister and my mom both have this bad habit of making a beeline for my computer to see what I'm up to. Irritating as all out fuck, though my sister is more tolerable because she just gives the screen a cursury glance and if she doesn't recognize the forum or site I'm on she'll just turn her attention to talking to me. My mom will stand there and peer at my screen, reading whatever's on the screen.
And if you lock the door, in order for anyone to come in you must unlock it. And if you unlock it, you can stand there and form a human shield preventing/discouraging people from entering your space and talking at you. This barrier also creates a psychological effect in the intruder, who may not wish to appear aggressive or insensitive.
Quite handy, really, the locked door.
I realized this morning that there are two opposing forces at work in me regarding getting off my ass and finding a job. One: I desperately want to get out of this apartment. Two: I don't want to obey my mom.
Quite a conundrum, resulting in the phenomenon known as 'Cutting off your nose to spite your face.' Specifically, each afternoon I wake up (I prefer being asleep to being awake, thankyouverymuch), I think to myself: I should revamp my resume and send it out today. And I get psyched for it.
Then immediately afterwards, my mom enters the scene, nagging me to apply to this or that, to ask when I want to take certification courses, to demand what my plans are, and to tell me that social experience is important and my parents can only help me if I tell them what I want.
And my response is to shut down. Ambition to start searching, already mild and frail, dies and shrivels. Desire to escape is overwhelmed by the need for her to shut up and go away, resulting in my becoming quiet and pliant and non-confrontational. After the desired effect is achieved (she leaves me alone), my brain/motivation refuses to start up again, my mind telling me: Uh-uh. If you start NOW, she'll think what she does is effective and that you WEREN'T going to do anything until she nagged the shit out of you. So if you go do something positive NOW, she'll think it's a direct result of her nagging, which will be positive reinforcement for a negative behavior. NO. Ignore ignore ignore and maybe slide in some sneaky work tomorrow.
Of course, tomorrow always comes but with the same pattern, increasingly intense. With every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. (Newton was a crantankerous bastard, but he was smart.) The more she pushes, the more I push back. n + -n = 0.
This is not healthy, and I'm aware of it not being healthy. I only realized/became aware of my immediate 'shut down' response to her words today. It's not simple tuning out; it's complete rejection of anything she says, good or bad, and in the end it only hurts me. I'm still jobless and stuck here.
Fuck sums up my mood today succinctly.
Locked doors.
You see, if you lock the door, then no one can enter without your permission and/or knowledge. Sure, we all knock on doors before entering, but how many people actually fucking wait for the 'Come in!' before barging in? And my sister and my mom both have this bad habit of making a beeline for my computer to see what I'm up to. Irritating as all out fuck, though my sister is more tolerable because she just gives the screen a cursury glance and if she doesn't recognize the forum or site I'm on she'll just turn her attention to talking to me. My mom will stand there and peer at my screen, reading whatever's on the screen.
And if you lock the door, in order for anyone to come in you must unlock it. And if you unlock it, you can stand there and form a human shield preventing/discouraging people from entering your space and talking at you. This barrier also creates a psychological effect in the intruder, who may not wish to appear aggressive or insensitive.
Quite handy, really, the locked door.
I realized this morning that there are two opposing forces at work in me regarding getting off my ass and finding a job. One: I desperately want to get out of this apartment. Two: I don't want to obey my mom.
Quite a conundrum, resulting in the phenomenon known as 'Cutting off your nose to spite your face.' Specifically, each afternoon I wake up (I prefer being asleep to being awake, thankyouverymuch), I think to myself: I should revamp my resume and send it out today. And I get psyched for it.
Then immediately afterwards, my mom enters the scene, nagging me to apply to this or that, to ask when I want to take certification courses, to demand what my plans are, and to tell me that social experience is important and my parents can only help me if I tell them what I want.
And my response is to shut down. Ambition to start searching, already mild and frail, dies and shrivels. Desire to escape is overwhelmed by the need for her to shut up and go away, resulting in my becoming quiet and pliant and non-confrontational. After the desired effect is achieved (she leaves me alone), my brain/motivation refuses to start up again, my mind telling me: Uh-uh. If you start NOW, she'll think what she does is effective and that you WEREN'T going to do anything until she nagged the shit out of you. So if you go do something positive NOW, she'll think it's a direct result of her nagging, which will be positive reinforcement for a negative behavior. NO. Ignore ignore ignore and maybe slide in some sneaky work tomorrow.
Of course, tomorrow always comes but with the same pattern, increasingly intense. With every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. (Newton was a crantankerous bastard, but he was smart.) The more she pushes, the more I push back. n + -n = 0.
This is not healthy, and I'm aware of it not being healthy. I only realized/became aware of my immediate 'shut down' response to her words today. It's not simple tuning out; it's complete rejection of anything she says, good or bad, and in the end it only hurts me. I'm still jobless and stuck here.
Fuck sums up my mood today succinctly.