(no subject)
So come Saturday I will be an alumna member of my sorority, and no longer required to attend meetings, events etc.
This point was suddenly brought up at today's meeting, and I was asked to say a few last words. I mentioned that I felt like I've grown a lot through all the squabbles AND the good stuff, but I didn't say half of what I wanted because I'm a lousy spontaneous speaker and we all know this. What I wanted to say was thanks for making me stronger, making me aware of others, forcing me to deal with differing opinions; I wanted to thank the original members but no one was there, so I couldn't add thanks for loving me even at my most socially awkward. So my mouth babbled down the safe route, which was fine because no one was really listening anyway.
Then one of our recent alums spoke, and it rang so true it was sad. There isn't a lot of respect, not a lot of interest, and I've been so thoroughly disengaged this past year that I simply haven't noticed it. *sigh*
And then one sister gave me kudos. It's one of the very, very few I've received and honestly it meant the most to me. And when she brought up that old poem I wrote --ye gads, I was surprised. Surprised that she brought it up, and surprised that people remembered. I wanted to cry.
Four years, and filled with disaster after disaster. I'm sad that I cannot undo what was done nor fix things. I'm sad I didn't keep giving it my all.
Worst of all, it stopped being home a long time ago, and I regret the loss of that safe haven. At this point I can safely and sincerely say that the reason I acted out so badly was because it was my family, and in families you do stupid shit and get yelled at and forgiven. But stupid shit doesn't fly, because it's not the family it was supposed to be, and so I was punished by myself and others and never really felt forgiven. Biggest regrets of my life are tied into the past three years.
One girl meant what she said about me, and the other...well, it was a diplomatic branch, and I suppose it'll have to do.
But it's done after next week. It's all done. So much said and unsaid, and it's all over.
The last three years were just pretend, and I said 'Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew.'
This point was suddenly brought up at today's meeting, and I was asked to say a few last words. I mentioned that I felt like I've grown a lot through all the squabbles AND the good stuff, but I didn't say half of what I wanted because I'm a lousy spontaneous speaker and we all know this. What I wanted to say was thanks for making me stronger, making me aware of others, forcing me to deal with differing opinions; I wanted to thank the original members but no one was there, so I couldn't add thanks for loving me even at my most socially awkward. So my mouth babbled down the safe route, which was fine because no one was really listening anyway.
Then one of our recent alums spoke, and it rang so true it was sad. There isn't a lot of respect, not a lot of interest, and I've been so thoroughly disengaged this past year that I simply haven't noticed it. *sigh*
And then one sister gave me kudos. It's one of the very, very few I've received and honestly it meant the most to me. And when she brought up that old poem I wrote --ye gads, I was surprised. Surprised that she brought it up, and surprised that people remembered. I wanted to cry.
Four years, and filled with disaster after disaster. I'm sad that I cannot undo what was done nor fix things. I'm sad I didn't keep giving it my all.
Worst of all, it stopped being home a long time ago, and I regret the loss of that safe haven. At this point I can safely and sincerely say that the reason I acted out so badly was because it was my family, and in families you do stupid shit and get yelled at and forgiven. But stupid shit doesn't fly, because it's not the family it was supposed to be, and so I was punished by myself and others and never really felt forgiven. Biggest regrets of my life are tied into the past three years.
One girl meant what she said about me, and the other...well, it was a diplomatic branch, and I suppose it'll have to do.
But it's done after next week. It's all done. So much said and unsaid, and it's all over.
The last three years were just pretend, and I said 'Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew.'