Long post again, about being positive and living life to the fullest.
Okay. I want to post things that have happened too, but right now I want to post about the fact that I am getting so much better at being honest with myself and better at not beating the shit out of myself for not being perfect. It's fucking difficult, but I'm doing it. I've got some things I need to say to some people but haven't, but it's not too late. I've got plenty of things I could be doing better on, and I'm not nearly as "good" as I would like to be, but the fact that I'm trying at all and overcoming even the slightest bit feels so fucking amazing! It brings home the idea "Perception is reality". You can change the way you percieve reality and make it even better, and motivate yourself. I've spent so much time wallowing in guilt for not being perfect and it made me feel so worthless I had no energy to do anything good. Now I certainly don't think I'm now immune to it, but if I keep practicing all this good shit and just working toward my goals I think I can keep this ball of positive energy going and significantly lessen the frequency of feeling worthless and defeating myself before I've even started. I just keep saying these things to myself "I'm not where I want to be but I am definitely going in the right direction", "If you've come this far you can keep on going", "People like me didn't come into this life to have it easy, we came to learn and to test ourselves", various forms of "no pain no gain", "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", etc. I tell myself I feel stronger every time I take the tiniest step toward my goals and it becomes true. I am stopping myself when I think "Why isn't my best good enough?!" and answering with "If you're best isn't good enough that's too fucking bad because that's all you have, so don't waste time feeling like shit about it. The only way to make it good enough is to keep doing your best so don't stop now". I still make excuses, because I'm just getting into the habit of noticing that I'm doing it. The most effort goes to simply learning how to pay attention, so my internal negative bullshit doesn't get out of hand.
However, I'm also trying to be as realistic as possible and this seems to be even harder than general motivation, because sometimes the feeling good factor makes me believe what I want to believe, which is easy when I'm just getting back into feeling happy and healthy, not depressed. It's easy to go to the opposite extreme and get myself in "trouble". But at least I'm not so busy feeling like shit that I don't have room for anyone else's perspective. I feel like I can take criticism better, because I feel so much better about myself I won't be crushed if someone tells me I'm doing something stupid or hurtful. I used to wish I could see what they meant, but I was so "wounded" that all I could feel was pain, not any of the good intentions or honesty and it didn't help me or anyone else. It also inhibits honesty. Nice people don't want to feel like they are crushing someone's spirit, so they sometimes just won't tell them what needs to be said.
We are all strong. We are all "warriors". We can take all the bullshit that comes our way. By we, I mean myself and everyone I care about. None of my friends are weak people.
I believe that a lot of my positive energy is coming from the fact that it is summer. The sunlight factor. I think I have OCD and I'm not bipolar, but I have felt a bit manic before, and I know that I can become manic at least slightly. I can control it to some extent too, I've found. So, if I can ride the wave instead of being tossed in the air by it, this should work in positive ways. If I'm not careful I could ride too high become out of touch with reality because I'm basically high on "natural" drugs and then crash very hard. I think the fact that I am taking this into account and being aware will help prevent it. I will fortify my castle and prepare for the bitter winter that is certain to come again. I'm sick of running away. If you see me trying to run away, let me know. Be blunt if needed. I want to hear the good with the bad, if I can't handle it at the time I'll learn to handle it soon after and deal with it. I want to fucking live my life, not just exist.
I've also been thinking about how much of an idealist and a skeptic I am. I'm doing my damndest to keep them in balance. I don't ever want to stop being an idealist or a skeptic. Neither are good without the other, if you ask me. I've seen both extremes and they are both unhealthy and they both blind people if taken too far. That is my opinion, feel free to argue.
However, I'm also trying to be as realistic as possible and this seems to be even harder than general motivation, because sometimes the feeling good factor makes me believe what I want to believe, which is easy when I'm just getting back into feeling happy and healthy, not depressed. It's easy to go to the opposite extreme and get myself in "trouble". But at least I'm not so busy feeling like shit that I don't have room for anyone else's perspective. I feel like I can take criticism better, because I feel so much better about myself I won't be crushed if someone tells me I'm doing something stupid or hurtful. I used to wish I could see what they meant, but I was so "wounded" that all I could feel was pain, not any of the good intentions or honesty and it didn't help me or anyone else. It also inhibits honesty. Nice people don't want to feel like they are crushing someone's spirit, so they sometimes just won't tell them what needs to be said.
We are all strong. We are all "warriors". We can take all the bullshit that comes our way. By we, I mean myself and everyone I care about. None of my friends are weak people.
I believe that a lot of my positive energy is coming from the fact that it is summer. The sunlight factor. I think I have OCD and I'm not bipolar, but I have felt a bit manic before, and I know that I can become manic at least slightly. I can control it to some extent too, I've found. So, if I can ride the wave instead of being tossed in the air by it, this should work in positive ways. If I'm not careful I could ride too high become out of touch with reality because I'm basically high on "natural" drugs and then crash very hard. I think the fact that I am taking this into account and being aware will help prevent it. I will fortify my castle and prepare for the bitter winter that is certain to come again. I'm sick of running away. If you see me trying to run away, let me know. Be blunt if needed. I want to hear the good with the bad, if I can't handle it at the time I'll learn to handle it soon after and deal with it. I want to fucking live my life, not just exist.
I've also been thinking about how much of an idealist and a skeptic I am. I'm doing my damndest to keep them in balance. I don't ever want to stop being an idealist or a skeptic. Neither are good without the other, if you ask me. I've seen both extremes and they are both unhealthy and they both blind people if taken too far. That is my opinion, feel free to argue.