i'm outta my mind...should i try and crawl back in?
phew, man. life is weird. i go back and read some of my posts and am just stunned. so much has changed. oi.
x-posted from myspace bloggie-mobile:
so, it's like friggin 2:30 in the morning and i just wake up in a start, right? wtf? well, it's not 2:30 now...it's almost 5:30. but i digress...
i hate it when that happens. i could really use the sleep. but, alas, my ever-churning mind sayeth *no*. so here i sit, worrying about how much energy i'll have to work today. ah well. such is life! at least i have two easy-ish houses. let's hope the roads aren't so bad today. it's been icy hell here for the past week.
and i digress again! ;)
my life is so weird now. i have no idea what's happening. looks like my marriage is doomed. i'm really sad about that. still hopeful, but i keep kicking myself thinking what a freaking retard i am for even holding any hope out. he did say, *i want a divorce*, *i don't want to be with you*, *i don't think i love you*...
but it was also mixed in with other stuff...
but that other stuff wasn't as direct.
so, what now? we're not supposed to talk about it for like 2 weeks or something. and i feel so fucked up. like even more on eggshells than before. can i say this? can i even call? how do i act when i'm around him? can i even express interest? or feeling? it's so weird.
i've spent my whole life loving this man. or so it seems. from the moment i met him, i knew there was something important there. even tho i thought he was gay. :) i can't stomach the idea of not being able to share my life with him...my love with him. he became my kin when my family melted away. and now he's just *gone*.
and i sit here, with this weird new life, raising our babies. worrying and wondering about how we will survive. i mean, i know we will. my heart is just rejecting this happening. if i have to live without him, i want him to not exist anymore...anything else just seems too painful.
but i can only choose for myself. i've tried every which way to fix things. i've bent and turned and wiggled all around. and i'm just lost. if he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me. i don't understand AT ALL. but what are my options? i can't sit here forever waiting for him to turn around and be my everything. he doesn't want to be. i don't think.
i guess i just want to understand how we got here. what happened? why? and why can't we fix it? learn to understand one another better?
he says *things have changed*, *we're just too different now*...but i don't see it. i mean, yeah, things have changed radically. but i don't see this endless chasm between us like he does. what's so bad? what's so wrong? what makes this irrepairable?
i don't want back what we had. god, it sucked. we were both so fucked up. i want a new relationship too. one forged in openness and honesty and love and respect. how did we lose those parts??
so much of me is just mad and hurt right now. how dare you say you don't know if you love me? how can that even be a question? how can you choose a life without me? why did you hurt me so much? why are you hurting me now? we belong together. we are a family. change happens. hurt happens. life moves forward...won't you take my hand and come with me?
let's try something new. see where it goes. i only want to be fulfilled and help you be fulfilled.
but i feel that window closing. i hear coldness in your voice. you look at me and i get chills...who are you anymore? where did my bubbie go?
'cause see, i remember this boy who was there for me when no one else cared. this beautiful boy who made me feel like it was good to live again. this beautiful boy who gave me the gift of being a mother, the best gift ever. maybe the only love i'll ever get from you again is from my memories of days past, tattered and torn. but i look at our babies and i just want to scream! this isn't right.
i feel like you never even tried. maybe it is just because you never loved me. maybe you just felt like you should. and things got more and more twisted from there.
i wish you could have told me. i wish you wouldn't have pretended for so long. telling me everything would be ok when you knew it couldn't. i wish you wouldn't have drunk yourself nearly to death just because you wanted to be away from me. god, that hurts.
and i just don't understand.
why...why...why...
or do you really love me? and it's just hidden in heaps of hurt and confusion? my dad tells me i'm a fool to believe that. *look at his actions*, he says. *what has he done to SHOW you that he cares for you?* and then i just sob. cause i just can't think of anything real. i can imagine things. but when it comes down to it. i feel like you just felt responsible to be with me. and now you don't even feel that.
what do you feel?
i don't know what i feel.
i'm so mixed up and upside down.
i feel like the whole world has come crashing down.
*what does it mean when something changes how it's always been?*
maybe my anguish is more caused by this dynamic than anything else...he's always been there this way, how can he not be there now?
but it seems, it is. he is forging his own life, separate from mine. i did that too, but the intent of being together again was always the undercurrent in my mind. i want healthiness, wholeness, completeness, dependability, stability, peace and harmony. do i have to get it somewhere else?
i need a cigarette. yes, i'm an IDIOT and i'm smoking. like i told eve, *it's better than a some of the more horrible things i could do with my pain.* minimally self-destructive, temporary, and calming. i need calm, soothing things right now. things that bring me back to my core. i am solid inside. i know what i want. and i do trust that the universe will provide for me.
i just wish i could choose the road...
x-posted from myspace bloggie-mobile:
so, it's like friggin 2:30 in the morning and i just wake up in a start, right? wtf? well, it's not 2:30 now...it's almost 5:30. but i digress...
i hate it when that happens. i could really use the sleep. but, alas, my ever-churning mind sayeth *no*. so here i sit, worrying about how much energy i'll have to work today. ah well. such is life! at least i have two easy-ish houses. let's hope the roads aren't so bad today. it's been icy hell here for the past week.
and i digress again! ;)
my life is so weird now. i have no idea what's happening. looks like my marriage is doomed. i'm really sad about that. still hopeful, but i keep kicking myself thinking what a freaking retard i am for even holding any hope out. he did say, *i want a divorce*, *i don't want to be with you*, *i don't think i love you*...
but it was also mixed in with other stuff...
but that other stuff wasn't as direct.
so, what now? we're not supposed to talk about it for like 2 weeks or something. and i feel so fucked up. like even more on eggshells than before. can i say this? can i even call? how do i act when i'm around him? can i even express interest? or feeling? it's so weird.
i've spent my whole life loving this man. or so it seems. from the moment i met him, i knew there was something important there. even tho i thought he was gay. :) i can't stomach the idea of not being able to share my life with him...my love with him. he became my kin when my family melted away. and now he's just *gone*.
and i sit here, with this weird new life, raising our babies. worrying and wondering about how we will survive. i mean, i know we will. my heart is just rejecting this happening. if i have to live without him, i want him to not exist anymore...anything else just seems too painful.
but i can only choose for myself. i've tried every which way to fix things. i've bent and turned and wiggled all around. and i'm just lost. if he doesn't want me, he doesn't want me. i don't understand AT ALL. but what are my options? i can't sit here forever waiting for him to turn around and be my everything. he doesn't want to be. i don't think.
i guess i just want to understand how we got here. what happened? why? and why can't we fix it? learn to understand one another better?
he says *things have changed*, *we're just too different now*...but i don't see it. i mean, yeah, things have changed radically. but i don't see this endless chasm between us like he does. what's so bad? what's so wrong? what makes this irrepairable?
i don't want back what we had. god, it sucked. we were both so fucked up. i want a new relationship too. one forged in openness and honesty and love and respect. how did we lose those parts??
so much of me is just mad and hurt right now. how dare you say you don't know if you love me? how can that even be a question? how can you choose a life without me? why did you hurt me so much? why are you hurting me now? we belong together. we are a family. change happens. hurt happens. life moves forward...won't you take my hand and come with me?
let's try something new. see where it goes. i only want to be fulfilled and help you be fulfilled.
but i feel that window closing. i hear coldness in your voice. you look at me and i get chills...who are you anymore? where did my bubbie go?
'cause see, i remember this boy who was there for me when no one else cared. this beautiful boy who made me feel like it was good to live again. this beautiful boy who gave me the gift of being a mother, the best gift ever. maybe the only love i'll ever get from you again is from my memories of days past, tattered and torn. but i look at our babies and i just want to scream! this isn't right.
i feel like you never even tried. maybe it is just because you never loved me. maybe you just felt like you should. and things got more and more twisted from there.
i wish you could have told me. i wish you wouldn't have pretended for so long. telling me everything would be ok when you knew it couldn't. i wish you wouldn't have drunk yourself nearly to death just because you wanted to be away from me. god, that hurts.
and i just don't understand.
why...why...why...
or do you really love me? and it's just hidden in heaps of hurt and confusion? my dad tells me i'm a fool to believe that. *look at his actions*, he says. *what has he done to SHOW you that he cares for you?* and then i just sob. cause i just can't think of anything real. i can imagine things. but when it comes down to it. i feel like you just felt responsible to be with me. and now you don't even feel that.
what do you feel?
i don't know what i feel.
i'm so mixed up and upside down.
i feel like the whole world has come crashing down.
*what does it mean when something changes how it's always been?*
maybe my anguish is more caused by this dynamic than anything else...he's always been there this way, how can he not be there now?
but it seems, it is. he is forging his own life, separate from mine. i did that too, but the intent of being together again was always the undercurrent in my mind. i want healthiness, wholeness, completeness, dependability, stability, peace and harmony. do i have to get it somewhere else?
i need a cigarette. yes, i'm an IDIOT and i'm smoking. like i told eve, *it's better than a some of the more horrible things i could do with my pain.* minimally self-destructive, temporary, and calming. i need calm, soothing things right now. things that bring me back to my core. i am solid inside. i know what i want. and i do trust that the universe will provide for me.
i just wish i could choose the road...