My Own Fear
The meeting with my prospective doula client went so well. We were already really good friends and I knew it would be relaxed and easy. Her husband was totally ready to be involved and he was just as into everything I was saying as she was. We played games to help them pick some things out, we talked about hospitals and watched birth videos. I was excited.
So she goes for her 12 week appointment to find out there is no heartbeat. Her labs come back the same way: negative for normal hormone increase. The baby died somewhere around 9 and a half weeks, they think. She sends me a meek text message asking me to call her or can she call me and I respond by calling her right away. She tells me all about it and how she can't stay home and she keeps thinking about it but she doesn't feel any different so it's just confusing. I am heartbroken for them. They were so ready to be parents and when I met with her that day, she was going through the same things in her head that I did. "Why did this happen to me? I'm going to be terrified to try again. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me?" All I could do was share my story with her and tell her that she isn't alone. Millions of women every year suffer from a loss just like hers... but that doesn't change the heartache and the hole it leaves. In their case, at least nothing will be have to be returned or painted over. They won't have to tell friends and family because they waited like the midwife said. I tell her only time will heal this and not to try again until she's fully absorbed this.
It really hits home after what happened to Chris and I last year. I don't know how to make her feel better. I consoled myself with thoughts of the future and hope that it was because I just wasn't taking care of myself while working three jobs and going to school full time. I'll never know WHY but I'll always wonder. What would our life together have been like with a child? That feeling still strikes me now and then and at least now, I can use it to help a friend in need. Support is all I can give her.
So she goes for her 12 week appointment to find out there is no heartbeat. Her labs come back the same way: negative for normal hormone increase. The baby died somewhere around 9 and a half weeks, they think. She sends me a meek text message asking me to call her or can she call me and I respond by calling her right away. She tells me all about it and how she can't stay home and she keeps thinking about it but she doesn't feel any different so it's just confusing. I am heartbroken for them. They were so ready to be parents and when I met with her that day, she was going through the same things in her head that I did. "Why did this happen to me? I'm going to be terrified to try again. I don't understand. Is there something wrong with me?" All I could do was share my story with her and tell her that she isn't alone. Millions of women every year suffer from a loss just like hers... but that doesn't change the heartache and the hole it leaves. In their case, at least nothing will be have to be returned or painted over. They won't have to tell friends and family because they waited like the midwife said. I tell her only time will heal this and not to try again until she's fully absorbed this.
It really hits home after what happened to Chris and I last year. I don't know how to make her feel better. I consoled myself with thoughts of the future and hope that it was because I just wasn't taking care of myself while working three jobs and going to school full time. I'll never know WHY but I'll always wonder. What would our life together have been like with a child? That feeling still strikes me now and then and at least now, I can use it to help a friend in need. Support is all I can give her.