Very Good.
I got some incredible revelation today while writing a private journal entry. I wrote the last public entry feeling still disturbed but just forcing myself against all evidence that everything would be sorted out.
Well it is. I was angry at first.. and then the anger gave way to something else. All of a sudden everything I've been thinking and feeling came pouring out of me and for once it made sense. It was like paint falling methodically on a canvas and I didn't have to try but it just created a big, beautiful masterpiece.
I don't know how this will sound to other people and I don't care. I finally feel the peace I've been craving.. the anxiety and worry is gone. It's actually gone.. not suppressed or relabeled or hidden but gone. The pressure and the confusion are gone too. And the guilt is gone.
I feel like I am free to love people the way I'm supposed to. I'm not scared of opening up to my authorities. I'm not scared to approach God and worship Him. I'm not afraid to pray what is on my heart because I feel like my heart is actually, finally, in alignment with His. I'm not afraid to move. I'm not afraid of what is on the other side. I'm not afraid to try, or to fail. I know now that God answers prayers even when we get in the way and he hears us even when we turn our faces from Him or talk from behind our hands and gritted teeth. I feel so good even knowing feelings don't last forever. I will probably be back in the dirt on my face again and that does not bother me. Realizing this honestly and practically should prove I am not just on some spiritual, emotional high.
Things are good, and I finally get to say this without worrying that it is some kind of denial.
Right now, things are -very- good.
Well it is. I was angry at first.. and then the anger gave way to something else. All of a sudden everything I've been thinking and feeling came pouring out of me and for once it made sense. It was like paint falling methodically on a canvas and I didn't have to try but it just created a big, beautiful masterpiece.
I don't know how this will sound to other people and I don't care. I finally feel the peace I've been craving.. the anxiety and worry is gone. It's actually gone.. not suppressed or relabeled or hidden but gone. The pressure and the confusion are gone too. And the guilt is gone.
I feel like I am free to love people the way I'm supposed to. I'm not scared of opening up to my authorities. I'm not scared to approach God and worship Him. I'm not afraid to pray what is on my heart because I feel like my heart is actually, finally, in alignment with His. I'm not afraid to move. I'm not afraid of what is on the other side. I'm not afraid to try, or to fail. I know now that God answers prayers even when we get in the way and he hears us even when we turn our faces from Him or talk from behind our hands and gritted teeth. I feel so good even knowing feelings don't last forever. I will probably be back in the dirt on my face again and that does not bother me. Realizing this honestly and practically should prove I am not just on some spiritual, emotional high.
Things are good, and I finally get to say this without worrying that it is some kind of denial.
Right now, things are -very- good.