My Head
Yesterday I had the irrepressable urge to run off by myself and get with God. I had other things I was supposed to be doing but I was too overwhelmed. My best option was to go home, bundle up and take a good long walk in the pouring rain. There are a lot of movie scenes taking place in rain.. its dramatic and probably symbolic. Usually its two couples kissing in the rain, or a man leaning over the body of his fallen comrade or something to that effect. But I was alone in the dark, headphones on, hood up, water running off my flashlight as I swung it by my side, alternating hands when they got cold. My feet were completely soaked all the way through my leather boots and into my socks and finally my feet. I'm sure the sound they made as I walked was interesting but I couldn't hear them because of the music.
I had borrowed my moms mp3 player.. it has a decidedly less eclectic and less hardcore playlist than mine, but it was as if every song spoke to me as I walked. The overall message was that I was not alone.. I didn't need to hide.. God will lift my head...
" Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
traditional words by Paul Gerhardt (trans. John Wesley, alt. by Jars of Clay) / music by Jars of Clay / � 2005 Bridge Building, a div. of Zomba Enterprises, Inc. (BMI) / Pogostick Music (BMI).
Behind the Song:
It presents with such confidence the idea that in the midst of our sorrow, in the midst of our pain, God will be the one to lift up our heads,� Dan Haseltine says. �We�ll always have suffering. We�ll always have pain. We�ll always have the poor. We�ll always have things that are confusing and hard to reconcile, and it will always be God that pulls us out of those places or helps us to understand why we�re in the middle of them.� (Jars Of Clay)"
I don't think I had heard the song before. When it talked about God lifting up I tilted my face toward the rain and let it pour. Into my eyes and down my cheeks and over my mouth, down my chin into the neck of my sweatshirt. Since I didn't have any of my own tears in me to cry this was the next best thing.
I've heard directors talk about these various rain scenes.. some speculate its symbolic for cleansing. It comes at a time in the film when the worst has happened and the characters are looking for reconciliation or resolution.
I wish I would have stayed out in it longer. I like storms and rain... but only when they're literal, not figurative. Every once and a while I can smile in the midst of pain or discomfort because I either see how God is shaping me in the midst of it or I go slightly mental and my only way to deal with frustration at that particular second is to hold my head and laugh.
I actually wanted to cry in the rain last night. I wanted to let all of my emotion out, everything thats been bottled up in me, knotted up and struggling. Sobbing is every bit as cleansing as a good rain. Sometimes you just need a good cry. But it didn't come. I was too overwhelmed to translate everything I was feeling into something physically manifested. Its funny though.. I usually hate walking long distances without a destination.. I get bored or tired or just plain lazy. But when I have something heavy on my mind I just don't want to stop walking. I took the longest route I could around my neighborhood, doubling back to make it last longer and when I got back to my driveway I still wasn't ready to stop. I started walking up the hill again to have another go around but got spooked. I was never even winded. I've walked that loop before and was always out of breath, but last night I never broke a sweat. I could have run the whole circuit and it wouldn't have made a difference. I would have run it if I had better shoes on or if it wasn't wet.
I wish I knew what was going on in my heart lately. I sit here wanting to stew and sort and figure it all out but at the same time wanting to shut it all out and feel nothing. It's like accidentally dropping your wedding ring into a killer bee hive and looking at it from a distance knowing there is only one way to get that ring back but also knowing that everything its going to require is going to be extremely scary and painful.
Sometimes I feel silly for thinking and feeling so much, as if I have no business or right to do so.. I'm not going through anything that terrible.. just day to day stuff. Worse things will happen in my life that will really give me something to cry about. And even when those things come, God will lift my head up.
I had borrowed my moms mp3 player.. it has a decidedly less eclectic and less hardcore playlist than mine, but it was as if every song spoke to me as I walked. The overall message was that I was not alone.. I didn't need to hide.. God will lift my head...
" Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
traditional words by Paul Gerhardt (trans. John Wesley, alt. by Jars of Clay) / music by Jars of Clay / � 2005 Bridge Building, a div. of Zomba Enterprises, Inc. (BMI) / Pogostick Music (BMI).
Behind the Song:
It presents with such confidence the idea that in the midst of our sorrow, in the midst of our pain, God will be the one to lift up our heads,� Dan Haseltine says. �We�ll always have suffering. We�ll always have pain. We�ll always have the poor. We�ll always have things that are confusing and hard to reconcile, and it will always be God that pulls us out of those places or helps us to understand why we�re in the middle of them.� (Jars Of Clay)"
I don't think I had heard the song before. When it talked about God lifting up I tilted my face toward the rain and let it pour. Into my eyes and down my cheeks and over my mouth, down my chin into the neck of my sweatshirt. Since I didn't have any of my own tears in me to cry this was the next best thing.
I've heard directors talk about these various rain scenes.. some speculate its symbolic for cleansing. It comes at a time in the film when the worst has happened and the characters are looking for reconciliation or resolution.
I wish I would have stayed out in it longer. I like storms and rain... but only when they're literal, not figurative. Every once and a while I can smile in the midst of pain or discomfort because I either see how God is shaping me in the midst of it or I go slightly mental and my only way to deal with frustration at that particular second is to hold my head and laugh.
I actually wanted to cry in the rain last night. I wanted to let all of my emotion out, everything thats been bottled up in me, knotted up and struggling. Sobbing is every bit as cleansing as a good rain. Sometimes you just need a good cry. But it didn't come. I was too overwhelmed to translate everything I was feeling into something physically manifested. Its funny though.. I usually hate walking long distances without a destination.. I get bored or tired or just plain lazy. But when I have something heavy on my mind I just don't want to stop walking. I took the longest route I could around my neighborhood, doubling back to make it last longer and when I got back to my driveway I still wasn't ready to stop. I started walking up the hill again to have another go around but got spooked. I was never even winded. I've walked that loop before and was always out of breath, but last night I never broke a sweat. I could have run the whole circuit and it wouldn't have made a difference. I would have run it if I had better shoes on or if it wasn't wet.
I wish I knew what was going on in my heart lately. I sit here wanting to stew and sort and figure it all out but at the same time wanting to shut it all out and feel nothing. It's like accidentally dropping your wedding ring into a killer bee hive and looking at it from a distance knowing there is only one way to get that ring back but also knowing that everything its going to require is going to be extremely scary and painful.
Sometimes I feel silly for thinking and feeling so much, as if I have no business or right to do so.. I'm not going through anything that terrible.. just day to day stuff. Worse things will happen in my life that will really give me something to cry about. And even when those things come, God will lift my head up.