Tired of
I think I trust people too quickly. I want to experience other people so badly, to know their hurt or what brings them joy or what is mundane to them.. I think people were the most beautiful part of creation. And that is a feat. Because anyone who knows me knows that I am just in awe of giant clouds.. those big puffy ones that if you look at them long enough they look like familiar objects. I can sit there or lay there or stand there and stare at them forever, their unbelievable size - like giant whales swimming through the air over my head. How they seem so solid and real but are made of simple vapor that would give way at the slightest touch or breath.
So even though I love big cumulus clouds, I love people even more. God did an amazing job designing the body, soul and spirit. I get caught up sometimes in my annoyances of other people because I am one of them. I have the same flaws of self-importance.
So I WANT to trust. I want to connect and "co-mingle our philosophies", and let down my walls and be real - But sometimes people want me to let down things that aren't walls. They're safeguards. They're there to protect the parts of me that cannot protect themselves. Its like those kids who are allergic to sunlight. If they go outside and an inch of their body is not covered it instantly forms horrible blistered burns because their skin does not have the ability to protect itself from the suns rays. Sure it will eventually heal to relative normalcy but it will never be the same, and they have to live with that forever.
I'm changed forever by the things I've let in. A lot of that is good.. even some of the bad stuff can be used for good. But I wouldn't tell a child allergic to sunlight to throw off their coverings and run around in the daylight just to be free. They would enjoy barely a millisecond before dropping to the ground and seizuring in agony. Even after being covered back up they would be so raw and damaged. All of the pleasure of that millisecond would be forgotten.
That said, it is necessary to let down walls. People who surround themselves with walls are prisoners.. the closer the walls are to them the more they are isolated, like in solitary confinement. If you're in a relationship where you only let that one person in, you turn them into your inmate. You must let many people in, even the ones you don't like as much. Even the people who are critical sometimes. They provide a good foundation for self-examination.
I'm tired.
So even though I love big cumulus clouds, I love people even more. God did an amazing job designing the body, soul and spirit. I get caught up sometimes in my annoyances of other people because I am one of them. I have the same flaws of self-importance.
So I WANT to trust. I want to connect and "co-mingle our philosophies", and let down my walls and be real - But sometimes people want me to let down things that aren't walls. They're safeguards. They're there to protect the parts of me that cannot protect themselves. Its like those kids who are allergic to sunlight. If they go outside and an inch of their body is not covered it instantly forms horrible blistered burns because their skin does not have the ability to protect itself from the suns rays. Sure it will eventually heal to relative normalcy but it will never be the same, and they have to live with that forever.
I'm changed forever by the things I've let in. A lot of that is good.. even some of the bad stuff can be used for good. But I wouldn't tell a child allergic to sunlight to throw off their coverings and run around in the daylight just to be free. They would enjoy barely a millisecond before dropping to the ground and seizuring in agony. Even after being covered back up they would be so raw and damaged. All of the pleasure of that millisecond would be forgotten.
That said, it is necessary to let down walls. People who surround themselves with walls are prisoners.. the closer the walls are to them the more they are isolated, like in solitary confinement. If you're in a relationship where you only let that one person in, you turn them into your inmate. You must let many people in, even the ones you don't like as much. Even the people who are critical sometimes. They provide a good foundation for self-examination.
I'm tired.