"Singularity" Chapter 42: "Terms of Endearment" Part 2 [42/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 42: "Terms of Endearment" Part 2 [42/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,276
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
It took a little longer than normal to reach their house. Joel must have run out of glares or something, because this time, the two of them were accosted several times by well-meaning-but-fucking-annoying people who wanted to know if they were okay, what happened, blah blah blah. Although she wasn't really in a socializing mood, Ellie was also in no hurry to say goodbye to Joel, so she tolerated these people for as long as Joel would allow, humoring them with vague or generic responses, for the most part.
One exception: she was asked variations of "So how'd you do it, girl?" by every single person, to which she gave a different-but-equally-ridiculous reply each time. She didn't give a fuck what the rumor mill said anymore, and if anyone wanted to believe that she'd somehow managed to teleport herself Outside, they were welcome to. Joel had stopped asking her the question a long time ago -- pretty much immediately after she'd found him -- yet Ellie got the feeling sometimes that he just somehow fucking knew. Because... he was Joel. But of course, he couldn't possibly know, so Max was safe. And the fact that no one else seemed to know anything about her escape method led her to believe that the secret was still very much a secret... except how many people know I offered to blow a guy to let me out? FUCK, Joel can NEVER find out about that! Maria hadn't said anything, thank God, but Ellie couldn't tell if she knew. Would she have said something just now if she did? Wouldn't she WANT Joel to know?
As upsetting as that was to think about, though, Ellie had bigger problems at the moment: barring some miraculous change of heart, Joel was fucking leaving.
She still had her house key in her backpack, so she was able to let them in. After depositing her bag in its usual corner, she went directly to the couch ... but Joel called her over to the table instead. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing... they'd had plenty of talks there, obviously... but she couldn't just sneakily snuggle him that way, or try to climb into his lap...
Yeah, that was no doubt exactly why Joel had chosen the table instead of the couch. He didn't want any of that from her. How stupid she was to take his affection for granted before, and not appreciate it as a finite resource!
At least he pulled the chair around to sit on the side; he was sitting where she'd been a few days ago, not all the way across, where Tommy had been. He was leaning on his forearms... his hands were accessible... but Ellie didn't dare try to hold one of them. She tried to sit like he was, but it didn't feel natural, so she just fiddled with her hands instead, making sure to keep them available should Joel decide he wanted one.
He didn't immediately say anything once they were seated, so Ellie took it upon herself to start the conversation. "Do you think Maria thinks we're fucking in here?" she smirked. "She seemed really tired. Like she didn't give a shit if we were or not. She wasn't gonna stop us. Not that she could anyway, with a--"
"That's enough," he cut in, not unkindly. Just... enough pretending this was a normal conversation?
Yeah, prob'ly... "One question first? How the fuck did Grayson get sick? They weren't even taking him out in the stroller yet, and we all washed our hands and stuff..."
"It happens. Maybe they got a little lax with the handwashin'... who knows. There's always germs gettin' transferred around, one way or another. It's impossible to protect kids from everythin' out there... much as you may want to, you just can't."
Ellie swallowed an unexpected lump in her throat. "You can."
"Ellie... don't."
"Don't what?"
He sighed. "It ain't even true. I've let plenty of bad things happen to you... caused bad things to--"
She shook her head -- and instinctively reached for his hand. "No! You've always protected me -- made me feel safe --"
"Not all the time -- but we ain't here to discuss that shit." He calmly removed her hand and... gave it back to her, basically.
She hated that this entire time, he'd been beating himself up about Sacramento over what had amounted to an accident. Obviously, he would never do anything to hurt her -- and attacking those fucking hunters was his way of trying to keep her safe! But she knew she would never convince him of this. At least not right now. Maybe with time and reiteration, he would start to believe her, but right now, all it would do was irritate him, and she couldn't afford to do that. "Right. You have to give me some rules. I'll do whatever you want -- just tell me."
He sighed again. "I don't wanna just... lay 'em out like the law or somethin'. More like... help you come to terms with it."
"With what? ...What does that even mean?" ...ALREADY with the fucking tears, Ellie? Fuck...
And already he was looking away from her. "This... is why I left the way I did. It was cowardly, but--"
"Should I not ask questions? I'll stop! I'm sorry! Just tell me the fucking rules. I'm listening." I'm really not TRYING to get on your nerves this time, Joel, I swear!
"No, that ain't... ...You can ask questions. And I should thank you... for bein' so agreeable." He glanced at her. "This is hard for me too, you know. But after these last few days... I need to get my head screwed on straight."
Ellie didn't like the sound of that. "Meaning... you're going to replay Tommy's bullshit in your head? Over and over... until you..." ...get farther away from me than you already are? ...turn back into that stranger I found the other day who wasn't YOU?
"Meanin'... I'll sort through everythin' and... reconcile it better. Like I said back at the house, you ain't the only one who's done things lately without thinkin' 'em through."
"But you don't need to leave," she pleaded. "You can think right here. I told you -- I'll leave you alone if you want. You know I will! Haven't I always been good about that? When you... need your space or whatever?"
"Tch. Sure, you've been good about that... but I never wanted to be away from you for all that long."
Past tense? Fuck... "And... now you do," she stated quietly.
"Not exactly. It's more like... I need to be."
She nodded glumly. "You're pissed. I get it--"
"Not just that. Yes, I'm upset about what you did, but... it has just as much to do with me. My actions. I asked a teenage girl... to marry me. That's just--"
"No you didn't -- you asked me. I'm not really a teenage girl!" she reminded him.
"Hate to break it to you, kiddo, but yeah you are."
"I'm an old soul! Remember?" Annie had told her that, and she liked it; it made her feel closer to Joel, age-wise (even if Joel didn't seem to agree). "I know I fucked up... and I will apologize for that every day -- every hour, if you want--"
"Ellie, jus' stop. This ain't gettin' us nowhere. I'm leavin': that part is nonnegotiable."
Ellie felt a spark of hope at the prospect of negotiations; how many times had Joel told her she was persuasive? Irresistible? Impossible to say no to? She just had to reserve her charms for the appropriate time. Unless he's so pissed off they don't work like they usually do... fuck, he wasn't even pissed at me the other day and nothing worked except the Big Lie... she did tend to rely heavily on physical persuasion, and she didn't have that advantage this time, either. -But! He's said I had him wrapped around my little finger even before we were a COUPLE -- before I COULD use physical means -- so there's still hope! (Ellie liked to say that she preferred him to be wrapped around her whole body, not just one dinky little finger.) "So... there are parts that are negotiable? What are those?" she asked innocently.
He was actually smiling a little. She hadn't even noticed, because she'd been preoccupied trying to think of--
"I can practically see the wheels turnin' in your brain right now," he said, sounding rather smug, or pleased with himself. "Whatever you're thinkin', it won't work. I mean there really ain't much wiggle room here. We don't have a means of communicatin', so there's no... boundaries to set, an' whatnot..."
"Which means... you have to come back a lot? Yeah! To check in -- like you said to Maria!"
"No. It means... ...I don' know. I can't give you a time frame. It's hard enough to do that out there to begin with, and I... just don' know. I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you."
Ellie groaned. "It's not fair -- not only do I have to miss the fuck out of you, but I have to worry about you being Outside. You don't have to worry about me." Unless... WOULD he still? He used to worry every time I left his sight... it made her sad to think he didn't care that much anymore. And she had always equated Joel's worrying with caring -- which is why she truly did love it when he was overprotective, and failed to see how anyone could consider it a problem.
"Well... you know what they say: who ever said life was fair."
Ellie had been hoping for reassurance that he would worry about her anyway, but she wasn't going to flat out ask him. "They also say out of sight, out of mind," she grumbled. Oh, how torturous this was going to be! It was bad enough that time he was gone for that week-plus... it was something like ten days total, with a little visit in the middle. She had known where he was, though. That he was safe. And that he was missing her as much as she was missing him... well, ALMOST as much.
"Don't forget 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' " he added. "Those two cancel each other out."
I NEED his heart to grow fonder-- "One of them has to be true, though. ...Right?"
"Not necessarily. But no, I ain't gonna just... run off an' forget all about you. I'll come back. Prob'ly at precisely the wrong time, somehow--"
"There's no wrong time -- the sooner, the better. You can come back tomorrow if you want!" Holy FUCK she wanted that to happen so bad!
"I'll play it by ear," he replied, ignoring her awesome suggestion. "I reckon it'll be like Monterey: when it's time, I'll somehow just know."
Ellie snorted. "Um, yeah, pretty sure that didn't happen the way you imagined. But I guess that won't be an issue for you this time. I won't be around to... fuck everything up." She stared at her hands; she got the feeling he wanted to look at her, but he never seemed to want to maintain eye contact, so she figured she'd help him out.
"I'm hopin' Tommy an' Maria will do a better job of keepin' you out of trouble than I did."
"...Seriously?" She forgot about looking at her hands because she just had to look at him when she responded to that! "You cannot think that that was your fault -- that anything I've ever done, or whatever's happened--"
"Maybe not all of it, but a fair bit of it was preventable. Like with the army base. If you had told me what you were thinkin' of doin'--"
"But I didn't tell you! So it's not your fault! I made that mistake!"
"Again -- we don' need to get into all that," he replied calmly.
"No. I think we do. I know it feels like we're the same person sometimes... but we're not." They didn't talk about shit like that very often... didn't get all sappy and mushy with each other... but I KNOW Joel feels like that, too!
"What happens to one of us..."
"...happens to the both of us," she recited. "That doesn't mean when one of us fucks up, it's also the other one's fault!"
"It does when one of us is young--" --thankfully, he didn't call her a fucking child!-- "--and decides not to tell the other 'cause they don't feel comfortable doin' so--"
"No! That's not why! I just knew you wouldn't like it -- and I knew you would stop me! It's not like I don't trust you or something!"
"...Yeah."
She waited for him to elaborate, but that was all he said. "Yeah what?"
"I don't think you trust me as much as you think you do. Especially now. After what I did."
"I don't care about that!" Fuck -- what she had done was ten times worse! "If that's what this is about -- why you feel like you have to leave --"
"No, no... it ain't just that. It ain't just you. It's--"
"IT'S ME," she finished for him. "I guess that's slightly less bullshitty than the normal 'it's not you, it's me'? Cuz you put a just in there. Like you can at least admit to it partly being me."
He wasn't exactly smiling, but Ellie could tell he was amused.
That's a good thing! Usually Joel's amusement over something that irritated her only served to enhance her irritation, but anything that made him happy... and made him more like her Joel... "What's so funny?" she asked, trying not to sound too eager.
"Just rememberin' another time you got all annoyed about that. I think I've proven to you that I was tellin' the truth, that time."
Remembering stuff is REALLY good! Because no matter what memory it was, he had surely liked her better at the time than he did right now -- and I'm the same person. A WORSE person, but still ME... And it seemed he wasn't going to finish telling her without prompting. "When was that? I don't remember."
"The night of the wedding. You were a lil' tipsy, as I recall. Too much champagne."
Oh fuck... is it something embarrassing? She usually dreaded being reminded of such things -- like how Joel still teased her about singing "I Want Your Sex" in the shower that one day when she thought she was alone! -- but now she hoped it was something like that. Something that made him laugh... made him remember how much he loved her... made him change his mind about leaving... "Uh... still don't remember."
"Never mind. It's--"
"No! Now you have to tell me! It's mean not to!"
He didn't seem amused anymore, though. "It ain't even funny. It's actually one more example of me messin' with your head."
Oh Goddddd-- "But you don't. You don't fuck me up the way you think you do!" She resisted the urge to add a dirty little joke there, sensing that he wouldn't appreciate it right now.
"I do. It was after the reception. When we got home... went to bed. You... ended up thinkin' that I wasn't attracted to you. That there was somethin' wrong with you, 'cause of the way I never let you... touch me, an' whatnot... remember?"
"Oh." She remembered that now. That wasn't the right kind of embarrassing thing she wanted him to think of! "That wasn't your fault. I was stupid back then. I was only fifteen. You told me over and over--"
"That's right -- now that you're sixteen, you're so much older'n'wiser."
He's being sarcastic, obviously, but... There was amused-sarcastic and irritated-sarcastic, and unfortunately, this felt more like the latter. "Well... yeah. I've grown up a lot since then! Thank God you let me touch you now."
"I think you still have some more growin' up to do. I do kinda miss those days, though. When you were... more innocent. When sex was... ..."
He didn't finish that thought, but Ellie was pretty sure she didn't want to hear the rest of it. It dredged up an old worry she had voiced to Sophie, right before she and Joel had had sex for the first time; Sophie had assured her that Joel would still love her even if she wasn't as 'innocent' as he seemed to want her to be. And, of course, she had been right. But that was BEFORE-- before Ellie had started ruining everything! "I still looooove having sex with you. Making love with you. ...I wouldn't trade that for anything. It's not fair to--"
"I know, all right? Never mind all that now. Point is... we could both use some time apart. We've spent the better portion of the past... nearly two years now, either together or only apart for a few hours."
"I don't need time away from you!" she cried. "There's nothing wrong with--"
"Oh, there's plenty wrong with it... I don't expect you to under--"
"When we left Boston, what were we supposed to do? 'Oh, say, Ellie, I don't think it's right for us to be together so much, even though it's just the two of us out here, so why don't we take a few days off from that and--' "
"That ain't what I meant an' you know it."
"Well, then you only get to count one year of being together. Less than that, really, cuz of going to California and back! So there's only been a few months where we had a choice. And we chose not to be apart. Because that's what you do when you fucking love someone -- you want to spend--"
"Don't get all worked up, now."
"I'm not!"
"You are. Listen." He leaned in a little closer. "I know you think I'm doin' this to punish you--"
"Aren't you?" she snapped.
"No. It's more like... I'm takin' you up on your offer. Of givin' me space when I need it." ...And he actually put his hand over hers.
Ellie's heart even skipped a beat when he did it! Okay, but... "Space... sure. I'm cool with that. It's the breaking up, or whatever... that's the part I don't like. But we're not really. Right? You said it's not... totally?"
His thumb caressed her hand... as if he didn't hate her... "I ain't... abandonin' you. I don't want you to think that. I want you to... use this time..."
"If you're gonna say use it to think about what I did? I already have," she groaned. Oh how she'd fucking hated hearing that back in her school days in Boston! Taking the time to think about how much you fucked up only amounted to miserable time spent lamenting how much the punishment sucked. Which... was perhaps the whole point of the exercise? But it was always framed in such a way that thinking about it would help her grow and bullshit like that -- so infuriating. "I already know it was stupid -- it's the single most -- dumbest thing I've ever --"
"I don't want you to beat yourself up over that, no," he cut off her self-deprecation. "I want you to spend it with other people. Be with your friends. Do things you like to do. I... actually don't want you to think about what you did."
That was so utterly ass-backwards that Ellie almost laughed. "O... kay? So just... pretend I'm a good person while I--"
"You are a good person." He squeezed her hand, and for some reason that made her tear up again. "I think we... both just need to step back. That whole... what happens to one of us thing... there's a line between... supportin' one another, and... just... completely losin' ourselves in one another. ...Do you understand?"
She... really didn't. At all. "Can you just explain the part about how we're broken up but not? I'm still stuck on that."
"Right. That. Well... when you're spendin' time with other people. If you feel like... maybe you wanna kiss one of 'em. You can, because--"
"Why the fuck would I wanna kiss someone who's not you?!" Ellie huffed. "If that's what this is about -- if you think I need to explore my options --"
"I think maybe you should, yes."
She just stared at him. "Are you for real right now? You don't even like the idea of guys being anywhere near me. Now you want me to kiss one?"
"Don't put words in my mouth. That ain't what I said. ...And I didn't say anythin' about it bein' a boy."
Of course! A repeat of the argument from the other day: because maybe Ellie was just confused. "Seriously, Joel? Just because I loved Riley--"
"Girl or boy, all right? Whoever you'd like."
"But you'd prefer it if it was a girl. I know you would." She sighed. "It doesn't matter, Joel. I don't want anyone but you. It doesn't matter how long you're gone... I'm not gonna just... just--"
"I'm jus' sayin'. You have the option. It won't be cheatin'. You don't have to feel guilty. You don't even have to tell me about it. Ever. If you want terms, there's one: you can just keep that to yourself. Whether we stay together in the end or--"
"So that means you can be with other people, too," she interrupted coldly. It made sense that Joel wouldn't want to hear about her being with someone else... but is that the ONLY reason he's establishing this rule? "You can be with whoever you want and not have to tell me about it. Right?"
"Me? I won't--" He paused. "I won't have the opportunity. But in theory, yes, it applies to me, too."
Ellie reeeeeeally hoped he'd been about to say that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else, and then he'd decided to rephrase it because... why? So he won't give me false hope? Even if that wasn't the case, he was probably right: who would he meet if he left town? Some nasty-ass hunter chick? ... ... umm... he COULD, actually... fuck... he could meet some woman that he likes, who's closer to his age... someone who hasn't ever hurt him... and of course the bitch would fall in love with Joel, because he's amazing... Ellie had to shove the disturbing thought aside -- and focus on the part she had control over. "I'm telling you: I won't want to be with anyone else. So if this is a... Clicker thing? A be-cruel-to-be-kind deal? Waste of time. ...And don't you fucking dare tell me I should give Clicker a chance now!"
He smirked. "I hadn't thought about that, but now that you mention it... he's grown a couple inches... voice is changin'..."
Without even thinking about it, she sprang out of her chair and started hitting his arm -- like she often did when he was being super irritating. And he cowered, like he was scared of her... he didn't stop me! She shifted the barrage to his back, keeping the blows lighter than usual (she had certainly hurt him enough today) --
And then somehow she was in his lap -- being crushed against his chest --
"I've got you now," he said triumphantly.
The breaking-free squirming that Ellie did wasn't even half-ass -- hell, not even quarter-ass! -- because she just wanted to revel in the feeling of being smushed between his arms and his chest for as long as possible. This is awesome! MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND! Like he'll realize how much he'll miss playing with me--
He released her far too soon, but she wasn't going to let him push her away. As soon as she regained the use of her arms, she wrapped them around his neck and hugged him as tightly as she could. He didn't exactly hug her back, but his hand started rubbing her back soothingly. She felt a familiar tightening in her chest. Don't cry don't cry don't cry--
"C'mon, kiddo... we're gonna break the chair," he said lightly.
That statement brought her right back to all the times she'd climbed into his lap in that lounge chair on the beach. And the way he said it -- she knew he was thinking the exact same thing. If only I could just go back and do that all over again! She would never have gone to that base -- because fuck Parker -- and he really hadn't needed her help anyway! -- and she would have just kept her mouth shut about the whole thing. Joel said she should have come to him? Well... if she had, and then he had decided something needed to be done, maybe they still would have gotten into some trouble with the soldiers. Or possibly just kicked out of Golden Sands -- yielding the same result as what she'd done. Sending them back to Jackson, kicking off this horrible chain of events. Nope -- I should've just fucking kept it to myself. "I wish we never left California," she sniffled. "We never did break that chair, you know..."
"And this one's sturdier."
"Good! Cuz I'm not moving," she declared. Who knows if I'll ever get to hold him again? Seriously... how could he ever expect her to move when--
"We can sit on the couch if you want," he offered.
"Really?" Hell yes she fucking wanted -- but she didn't dare lift her head.
"Sure. C'mon." He patted her back.
"I'm too scared to let go," she admitted. "In case you're tricking me." ...To get even with me for tricking YOU? ...Yeahhh, this wasn't exactly on the same level as her trickery... and besides, it wasn't Joel's style -- aside from good-natured teasing and messing around, anyway.
When he pried her hands off of him and smoothly slid her off his lap, though, she didn't resist. She just... didn't give him much space to stand up and maneuver around her. She immediately put her arm around his waist... and his fell around her shoulders, just like fucking always... and when he sat on the couch, she fell right into his lap. He hugged her close, kissed the top of her head... it felt so fucking normal that Ellie couldn't help but hope--
"Prob'ly shouldn't be sittin' like this," he mused. "I reckon you're confused enough already. I am, too. It's sure been a whirlwind these past few days, hm?"
"I'm not confused at all." She pulled back to look at him earnestly. "I love you. I will do literally anything to make up for what I--"
"I know, baby girl... I know. I meant I'm confusin' you more by... holdin' you, right before leavin'..."
"You don't have to go," she pleaded. "I swear I'll give you the space--"
"I told you that's nonnegotiable," he reminded her gently. "I just don't wanna go until... 'til you're in a better place, with all this. ...But don't get any ideas about... purposely not tryin' to... I don' know. I guess if it comes down to it, I'll have to just go. But I'd like things to be... good, with us... before I do."
How can things be GOOD when you're fucking LEAVING ME?! she felt like screaming... but she also didn't want to do anything that might make him feel like pushing her off his lap. Whatever anger she felt toward him... well, first of all, it was unjustified, because what she had done was so despicable that she didn't deserve the luxury of being pissed off. She didn't care what Joel had to say about it -- she would berate herself for that, and think about what might have been...
Fuck -- that revelation or whatever at the barn, right before he proposed... when he said he realized how awful it was, what he did to me... would that have happened anyway, if I never chased after him? When she found him... what if he'd been sitting in the jeep like that because he was starting to have second thoughts about leaving? He had kind of hinted that that's why he had dilly-dallied there... Maybe those few hours had been enough to clear his head... or almost enough, and then when she showed up, he reverted to jerk mode because he hadn't quite changed his mind yet. If only she hadn't fucked up the timing of it... hadn't tampered with his natural process...
"Ellie?"
"Sorry. I was just... thinking." She sighed. "How do you know when you're supposed to just let things happen and when you're supposed to do something about what's happening?"
"A question for the ages," was Joel's unhelpful answer.
"It just feels like every time I go the 'do something' route, I fuck things up."
"Well, then, there's your answer," he said dryly. "So you weren't thinkin' so much as... schemin'. Is that it?"
"No." ...only because I can't think of anything that will work?
"Maybe if you have to lie... if your plan involves deception... that's a sign it ain't the best thing to do."
"I've thought about that, you know. But we lie to the whole town. Should we not? Should we just tell them what we're doing?" Surely Joel hadn't changed his mind about things so much that he wanted that!
"No. It's still none of their goddamn business, what we do. ...What we did."
Ugh -- the past tense stuff would kill her if she thought about it for more than a split second. "What we do. Because we're not really broken up."
He sighed. "Maybe a clean break would be better. Less confusin' for--"
"No no no no -- not clean! I'm good with messy, I swear!"
"...I don't think you are."
"It's better than the alternative, okay? So... what we did. Before. Meaning... we may or may not do it again in the future. Not that we... for sure are never going to do it again. It's just a question mark." I need to have some HOPE, for fuck's sake!
"Right. That works."
Whew! Okay -- act cool with that, Ellie... She would keep trying to think of them in present tense, and just... keep the thought to herself. Because Joel seemed pretty fucking set on giving her this bogus opportunity to ~explore her options~. "Okay, so... what am I s'posed to tell people when they ask where you are? Why you left?"
Joel took a few moments to answer. "Tell 'em the truth: that I had some personal shit to take care of... or work out... on my own. They don' need to know details. But, back to the lyin'... that is generally a sign that somethin's wrong. And this... you'n'me..."
Oh hell no -- she wasn't going to let him go there! "We're not wrong. I refuse to believe that! Everything you said... right before you..." For some reason, she didn't want to say the word 'proposed' -- or the phrase 'asked me to marry you.' Maybe since Joel had made it so clear he regretted it and she couldn't bear to see him cringe at the words? "Um... what you said about standing up to Tommy and stuff? We can still--"
"That's a conversation we'll need to have when I come back. If it's... still applicable."
"What do you mean?"
"If we're... if we decide to stay together."
"Of course we will!" she cried. This still sounds more like a break-up than a break!
"I just want you to keep an open mind about that, all right? Your feelin's might change after--"
"They won't! I can tell you right now that they won't!"
He was quiet a few moments. "It is possible to... love someone with your whole heart... and then go on to love someone else. This is only your starter relationship. You're gonna have--"
"No! Just -- stop, okay? I don't wanna talk about that! It's not gonna happen -- you could leave me and never come back, ever, and all those years later, I'd still only love you! That's why time apart is just wasted time, Joel -- seriously. I get that you need it... for yourself... but... just... I don't need it. No matter what happens, I'll never love anyone but you."
"All right," he said in that placating way that meant he didn't believe her but didn't want to keep arguing the point.
"Are you gonna be back for our anniversary?" she blurted.
"Which one... the next one? No, I'm sure I--"
"The next one that you count. The one year one. ...That sounds weird... but yeah -- one year. I won't count anything but the years now, too -- just like you wanted!" Ellie had counted the weeks at first... then just the months, once she'd lost track of the number of weeks... and Joel had humored her, but he said after the six-month one that only years should count, going forward. Although it wasn't like she expected a gift or a big celebration or something each time -- so she had continued to point them out to him anyway, and could usually at least squeeze a tiny bit of extra sappiness or affection out of him that day, if nothing else. Or, like last time, I managed to get him to agree to do an anniversary WEEKEND, which Tommy proceeded to fuck up... she supposed the whole notion of anniversaries was ruined now, too. "You know what? I don't even care about it anymore -- the counting. Whatever you want, Joel -- we can do everything your way. For real this time."
He just gave her a pitying look that made her feel... kind of humiliated, really. "I think you do still care. But I can't promise that I'll be back for that. I won't even know what day it is, for one thing."
"You can take a calendar! Or -- take mine, I'll make another one--"
"You know I won't keep up with that -- markin' the days off. That's your thing."
She swallowed hard. "Does it even... still count? Or does it like... have to start over, if we're apart?"
"I don' know. We'll have to decide that later."
In her head, she tended to go all the way back to when they first met, when she thought of how long they'd been together... but they weren't together-together back then, and besides, she didn't know what date that was. They had met roughly a year before their first kiss. Maybe starting over would be a good thing. A fresh start. No secrets, no lies, no fights, no pain...
Joel squeezed her. "Before... when you said you'd do anythin' to make it up to me..."
"Yeah?" She brightened at this -- she wanted to do something! "Anything!"
"Don't be sad. Don't do shit like... countin' the days I've been gone, or... sit around ruminatin' on what you wish was different..."
I should've known! "That's not a real 'anything,' " she grumbled. And she was going to count the fucking days!
"It is to me." He tilted her chin up and kissed her softly. "And whatever you do... stay out of trouble. Please."
She had thought kissing was off limits! She tried to kiss him some more... but he pushed her back, gently yet firmly, just enough that she couldn't.
"Did you hear what I said, Ellie?"
"Stay out of trouble," she repeated.
"Yes. Will you do that for me?"
"I will if you kiss me again," she promised, giving him a little smile as extra incentive.
He pressed his lips to hers, and she enjoyed the sweetness of the chaste little kiss for a moment before parting her lips, pulling him closer... cupping his jaw with one hand so she could stroke his beard... he loves it when I touch his face... why didn't I do it more often? If only I'd made him HAPPIER every way I could...
He held the back of her head in his palm and deepened the kiss... but pulled back way too soon. Like probably not even ten seconds later. "All right... that was a goodbye kiss," he said, like he had to justify it to himself.
"No, that was a... deal kiss," she corrected him. "We haven't said goodbye yet, so obviously it's not-- I mean, we're not even done talking yet. You can't say goodbye until we're done, so..."
He smiled. "It's dangerous, negotiatin' with you. Good thing we can't have goodbye sex."
"Yes we can!" Is that a thing?!
"Uh... no. The equipment ain't in workin' order."
Oh... right... "Does it still hurt?" she winced.
"Not too bad. But... no sex. We've had enough of it the last few days to--"
"No! Fuck, I hate that our last time was... that time! I practically raped you!"
He chuckled. "No you didn't. I could've stopped you."
"You tried! I didn't listen!"
"I... suggested. Ain't the same thing as--"
"Whatever! Joel, promise me that when you come back -- even if you don't wanna be with me anymore, we'll at least have goodbye sex, okay? That horrible time... can't be our last time. It just fucking can't be!"
He sighed. "I ain't promisin' that. That would be... really shitty of me to--"
"No it wouldn't! It wouldn't! I can't stand it -- I have to know that we're gonna at least have one more time together. Just one more. That's all I ask."
"No. That would do more harm than good. It would prob'ly start the clock all over again. Besides... I would know you're just usin' it to try to change my mind."
She didn't really get the clock thing, but that last part stung. "You make it sound like I don't even love you or something. I don't... use you, like that."
"Maybe not exactly, but we haven't been sleepin' together all that long, and already you've done it on multiple occasions -- you use sex to manipulate, or as a means to an--"
"I don't! I don't do that!" She knew what he meant, but she couldn't -- wouldn't -- admit to that. It felt like he was accusing her of not loving him, not wanting him... it just wasn't true!
He snorted. "I s'pose I shouldn't throw stones."
...the fuck? "What? What do you mean?"
"People in glass houses--"
"I don't mean the expression," she said impatiently. "I mean... when have you ever..."
"Forget the proposal -- back things up to November. When I decided it would be a good idea to have sex with a teenage girl."
Ellie really hated it when he referred to her that way! "With me, you mean. What's wrong with that? I know you enjoyed it, when we... that first time? The first bunch of times?"
"Not sayin' I didn't. But my reasons were... not sound."
"What do you--"
"Never mind. I'm tryin' to say... we've both made mistakes."
What the fuck is he talking about? "Joel... you love me. What other reason would you have--"
"I said forget it. Ain't goin' there." And the words were reinforced by his tone.
Curious though she was, Ellie filed that away for a future conversation -- assuming the break did not become permanent. "Fine -- so we're not perfect. But we love each other... so we just fix the mistakes and go on. Right?" Ohhhh, I'm onto something here-- "Joel, that's sort of your thing. If something goes wrong, you fix it. You don't give up... you don't run away... maybe you used to do that, but you don't anymore. You learned that you can't, with me. You tried to run and you regretted it before you even left--"
"That ain't what this is," he cut in. "It ain't runnin'. It's... takin' a step back, re-evaluatin' what--"
"You promised we wouldn't go backwards! Remember?" she snapped at him.
He looked at her sadly. "I also promised I'd never leave you. Maybe I shouldn't keep on makin' promises I can't keep."
Fuck... okay... it's okay... don't be mad at him for that...
But Ellie couldn't seem to listen to her inner self this time. She wrenched away from him. Stood up and walked away from the couch, even. "Just go already. You're right -- all you fucking do is break promises, so... so I can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth anyways and you should just go." She kept her back toward him. He turned his back on ME already, so fuck him!
He was silent for... longer than necessary, it seemed to Ellie, but eventually she heard him get up. She crossed her arms over her chest and refused to look at him, vowing to jerk away from him if he came up behind her and tried to hug her or something. Unfortunately, he didn't give her the satisfaction. He went into the hall... into the bedroom... and he returned with the guitar slung over his shoulder. "Here... take this to Tommy'n'Maria's. You can show 'em how good you've--"
"No!" She glared at him. "That's a me-and-you thing. I'm not fucking touching that stupid guitar if you're-- --actually, I might go ahead and touch it -- I'll fucking throw it, and break it into a million--"
"All right -- bad idea. You don't gotta break it. Please don't... don't do that. It'll just be in the closet for you if you change your mind. Music can be... sometimes it's helpful, if you're feelin' sad, or... whatever you might be feelin'. And playin' it yourself... or singin'... it can be even better than just listenin' to it." He disappeared into the bedroom again.
Ellie wanted to march right in there, grab that guitar, and smash it right over his fucking head. But that thought immediately filled her with shame; no matter how angry Joel got with her, she was sure he never even thought about hurting her like that. -Physically. Clearly, he had no problem hurting her in every other way. He's probably expecting me to go and yell at him some more or something... or maybe do the opposite, and apologize my ass off... beg him not to go... I WOULD, if I thought it would do me any good! She'd tried all that shit already, and the only thing that had actually worked was the Big Lie.
He was definitely being nicer now than he'd been the other day -- even though she deserved the kindness way less now than she did then -- but she knew he meant business. The cuddles and kisses, the tears... none of it mattered to him. None of it had touched his soul enough to make him stay.
Well, since he obviously doesn't care about what I want, I'm not going to give him what HE wants! He wanted to feel like she was cool with all of this. That she understood. His last memory of her wouldn't be all nice and sweet... she wouldn't smile and wish him well and cheerfully wave goodbye while he casually strolled right out of her life. She plopped back down on the couch -- the far end this time, curling her legs under her and twisting herself to face the wall to the left... which would never have a back door installed in it now, she supposed. And there's never gonna be a little spiral staircase here that he builds when we convert our house to two stories to make room for all the fucking KIDS we're gonna have... oh how fun it had been, dreaming up crazy shit like that with him after she complained she didn't want to move -- so he'd started thinking up alternatives... well, it was fun when I could convince myself the basis for it was REAL... or that we were just playing a GAME where we were both in on the joke...
Poor Joel. There were other times he'd tried to engage her in discussions like that -- either in a serious what-should-we-do manner or in more of a wacky, just-for-fun way -- and she'd just shut him down completely. Was that actually just yesterday? Fuck...
If only she could have kept her stupid fucking mouth shut today! Ugh -- why couldn't I just suck it up and live with the guilt? It was such a good plan (er... it was shitty, but 'good' as in effective). It was WORKING. We would have gotten MARRIED. How could living with a little guilt be any worse than NOT having Joel in my life at all?!
What the fuck was I thinking?
...and how can I be thinking that now when like, an hour ago, I asked myself that same question about the OPPOSITE of this?
Maybe that just meant she was fucked either way?
Joel seemed to take forever in the bedroom, and she couldn't imagine what he was doing in there for so long. (Well, she could... but she knew for sure it wasn't that.) She wasn't going to rush him out of her life, though. Even if she was being kind of a pissy brat right now.
When she heard his footsteps, she made sure she looked as nonchalant as possible, plucking at some non-existent thread on the knee patch of her jeans. She didn't have to look at him to know he was looking at her -- intensely. She could always feel it when he did that.
When he was done staring at her, he cleared his throat. "I'm gonna... go pick up a few things... see if Maria needs anything... why don't you come with--"
"I'm gonna stay here for now," she replied coolly; the last thing she wanted was to lose it in front of an audience somewhere. Even if it was just Maria. "But you don't have to worry about Maria. I'll make sure that she and your sick nephew are okay." Ellie had to applaud herself for saying that totally normal-like when in her head, she was emphasizing the sick nephew part and sounding way more guilt-trippy.
"I'm gonna go find Tommy," he said by way of excuse (...that was how she took it, anyway). "He should be with them now."
A painfully awkward silence followed.
Joel cleared his throat again, for some reason. "All right. Well... ... ... ...Take care."
"You too," she replied with a forced politeness usually reserved for casual acquaintances. She didn't look at him, though. Didn't smile.
He waited by the door for a few moments... to see if she would come running over and beg him not to leave? Maybe trying to think of some poignant final words that would suddenly make it all OKAY?
She did neither. She just sat there woodenly, not even bothering to pluck at her jeans anymore.
It wasn't until he'd started to close the door behind him that she came to her senses -- HE'S LEAVING AND I MAY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN -- "Joel! Wait!" she cried as she sprang to her feet.
But he'd already closed the door -- already left --
The door opened; he had heard her!
It was the ultimate cheesy 'movie moment' -- Ellie flew to the door and jumped on him, basically... literally leaped into his arms, wrapping all her limbs around him and making him stagger backwards a little. But he didn't fall... he held her tight, cradling her head on his shoulder... and somehow he managed to kick the door shut behind him, shutting out the world once again. And for the first time in ages, he squeezed her 'as hard as he could' (or as hard as he would) without her even asking him to -- up to the point where she wheezed, then easing up just enough for her to breathe. He did it three times before setting her down, prying her legs off him so she could stand.
She wasn't sobbing... but she wasn't holding back the tears streaming down her face, either. When she finally looked at him, she was surprised to see that his eyes were all shiny and red, too. She cupped his face in her hands. "Be careful out there, okay?" she squeaked. "Pretend I'm with you, if it makes you be more fucking careful."
"I will," he whispered. He pulled her in for a kiss... a chaste one this time, but it was soft and sweet (...and a little salty). He wiped her tears away and looked at her... adoringly. Somehow, he still fucking adored her, after everything she'd done. "I will come back. Don't worry."
Ellie just nodded dumbly... and tried to smile, although she wasn't certain her mouth muscles were working properly at the moment. He let go of her and opened the door. Turned and walked through it while she watched from the doorway. She hadn't planned on watching him go, but now she couldn't look away. I didn't tell him I love him one last time!
...But he knows. He's known it since way before I ever said the words.
She leaned against the door frame and watched Joel grow smaller and smaller. She waited for him to look back... maybe wave to her, or blow her a kiss or something... but he didn't. He never once looked behind him.
She watched until she lost sight of him in the trees... and for a long time after. Watching didn't make him reappear. Didn't make him change his mind. Didn't even make him come back after simply realizing he'd forgotten something in the house.
But Ellie kept watching anyway; she didn't know what else to do.
~Continue to Chapter 43~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,276
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
~
It took a little longer than normal to reach their house. Joel must have run out of glares or something, because this time, the two of them were accosted several times by well-meaning-but-fucking-annoying people who wanted to know if they were okay, what happened, blah blah blah. Although she wasn't really in a socializing mood, Ellie was also in no hurry to say goodbye to Joel, so she tolerated these people for as long as Joel would allow, humoring them with vague or generic responses, for the most part.
One exception: she was asked variations of "So how'd you do it, girl?" by every single person, to which she gave a different-but-equally-ridiculous reply each time. She didn't give a fuck what the rumor mill said anymore, and if anyone wanted to believe that she'd somehow managed to teleport herself Outside, they were welcome to. Joel had stopped asking her the question a long time ago -- pretty much immediately after she'd found him -- yet Ellie got the feeling sometimes that he just somehow fucking knew. Because... he was Joel. But of course, he couldn't possibly know, so Max was safe. And the fact that no one else seemed to know anything about her escape method led her to believe that the secret was still very much a secret... except how many people know I offered to blow a guy to let me out? FUCK, Joel can NEVER find out about that! Maria hadn't said anything, thank God, but Ellie couldn't tell if she knew. Would she have said something just now if she did? Wouldn't she WANT Joel to know?
As upsetting as that was to think about, though, Ellie had bigger problems at the moment: barring some miraculous change of heart, Joel was fucking leaving.
She still had her house key in her backpack, so she was able to let them in. After depositing her bag in its usual corner, she went directly to the couch ... but Joel called her over to the table instead. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing... they'd had plenty of talks there, obviously... but she couldn't just sneakily snuggle him that way, or try to climb into his lap...
Yeah, that was no doubt exactly why Joel had chosen the table instead of the couch. He didn't want any of that from her. How stupid she was to take his affection for granted before, and not appreciate it as a finite resource!
At least he pulled the chair around to sit on the side; he was sitting where she'd been a few days ago, not all the way across, where Tommy had been. He was leaning on his forearms... his hands were accessible... but Ellie didn't dare try to hold one of them. She tried to sit like he was, but it didn't feel natural, so she just fiddled with her hands instead, making sure to keep them available should Joel decide he wanted one.
He didn't immediately say anything once they were seated, so Ellie took it upon herself to start the conversation. "Do you think Maria thinks we're fucking in here?" she smirked. "She seemed really tired. Like she didn't give a shit if we were or not. She wasn't gonna stop us. Not that she could anyway, with a--"
"That's enough," he cut in, not unkindly. Just... enough pretending this was a normal conversation?
Yeah, prob'ly... "One question first? How the fuck did Grayson get sick? They weren't even taking him out in the stroller yet, and we all washed our hands and stuff..."
"It happens. Maybe they got a little lax with the handwashin'... who knows. There's always germs gettin' transferred around, one way or another. It's impossible to protect kids from everythin' out there... much as you may want to, you just can't."
Ellie swallowed an unexpected lump in her throat. "You can."
"Ellie... don't."
"Don't what?"
He sighed. "It ain't even true. I've let plenty of bad things happen to you... caused bad things to--"
She shook her head -- and instinctively reached for his hand. "No! You've always protected me -- made me feel safe --"
"Not all the time -- but we ain't here to discuss that shit." He calmly removed her hand and... gave it back to her, basically.
She hated that this entire time, he'd been beating himself up about Sacramento over what had amounted to an accident. Obviously, he would never do anything to hurt her -- and attacking those fucking hunters was his way of trying to keep her safe! But she knew she would never convince him of this. At least not right now. Maybe with time and reiteration, he would start to believe her, but right now, all it would do was irritate him, and she couldn't afford to do that. "Right. You have to give me some rules. I'll do whatever you want -- just tell me."
He sighed again. "I don't wanna just... lay 'em out like the law or somethin'. More like... help you come to terms with it."
"With what? ...What does that even mean?" ...ALREADY with the fucking tears, Ellie? Fuck...
And already he was looking away from her. "This... is why I left the way I did. It was cowardly, but--"
"Should I not ask questions? I'll stop! I'm sorry! Just tell me the fucking rules. I'm listening." I'm really not TRYING to get on your nerves this time, Joel, I swear!
"No, that ain't... ...You can ask questions. And I should thank you... for bein' so agreeable." He glanced at her. "This is hard for me too, you know. But after these last few days... I need to get my head screwed on straight."
Ellie didn't like the sound of that. "Meaning... you're going to replay Tommy's bullshit in your head? Over and over... until you..." ...get farther away from me than you already are? ...turn back into that stranger I found the other day who wasn't YOU?
"Meanin'... I'll sort through everythin' and... reconcile it better. Like I said back at the house, you ain't the only one who's done things lately without thinkin' 'em through."
"But you don't need to leave," she pleaded. "You can think right here. I told you -- I'll leave you alone if you want. You know I will! Haven't I always been good about that? When you... need your space or whatever?"
"Tch. Sure, you've been good about that... but I never wanted to be away from you for all that long."
Past tense? Fuck... "And... now you do," she stated quietly.
"Not exactly. It's more like... I need to be."
She nodded glumly. "You're pissed. I get it--"
"Not just that. Yes, I'm upset about what you did, but... it has just as much to do with me. My actions. I asked a teenage girl... to marry me. That's just--"
"No you didn't -- you asked me. I'm not really a teenage girl!" she reminded him.
"Hate to break it to you, kiddo, but yeah you are."
"I'm an old soul! Remember?" Annie had told her that, and she liked it; it made her feel closer to Joel, age-wise (even if Joel didn't seem to agree). "I know I fucked up... and I will apologize for that every day -- every hour, if you want--"
"Ellie, jus' stop. This ain't gettin' us nowhere. I'm leavin': that part is nonnegotiable."
Ellie felt a spark of hope at the prospect of negotiations; how many times had Joel told her she was persuasive? Irresistible? Impossible to say no to? She just had to reserve her charms for the appropriate time. Unless he's so pissed off they don't work like they usually do... fuck, he wasn't even pissed at me the other day and nothing worked except the Big Lie... she did tend to rely heavily on physical persuasion, and she didn't have that advantage this time, either. -But! He's said I had him wrapped around my little finger even before we were a COUPLE -- before I COULD use physical means -- so there's still hope! (Ellie liked to say that she preferred him to be wrapped around her whole body, not just one dinky little finger.) "So... there are parts that are negotiable? What are those?" she asked innocently.
He was actually smiling a little. She hadn't even noticed, because she'd been preoccupied trying to think of--
"I can practically see the wheels turnin' in your brain right now," he said, sounding rather smug, or pleased with himself. "Whatever you're thinkin', it won't work. I mean there really ain't much wiggle room here. We don't have a means of communicatin', so there's no... boundaries to set, an' whatnot..."
"Which means... you have to come back a lot? Yeah! To check in -- like you said to Maria!"
"No. It means... ...I don' know. I can't give you a time frame. It's hard enough to do that out there to begin with, and I... just don' know. I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you."
Ellie groaned. "It's not fair -- not only do I have to miss the fuck out of you, but I have to worry about you being Outside. You don't have to worry about me." Unless... WOULD he still? He used to worry every time I left his sight... it made her sad to think he didn't care that much anymore. And she had always equated Joel's worrying with caring -- which is why she truly did love it when he was overprotective, and failed to see how anyone could consider it a problem.
"Well... you know what they say: who ever said life was fair."
Ellie had been hoping for reassurance that he would worry about her anyway, but she wasn't going to flat out ask him. "They also say out of sight, out of mind," she grumbled. Oh, how torturous this was going to be! It was bad enough that time he was gone for that week-plus... it was something like ten days total, with a little visit in the middle. She had known where he was, though. That he was safe. And that he was missing her as much as she was missing him... well, ALMOST as much.
"Don't forget 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' " he added. "Those two cancel each other out."
I NEED his heart to grow fonder-- "One of them has to be true, though. ...Right?"
"Not necessarily. But no, I ain't gonna just... run off an' forget all about you. I'll come back. Prob'ly at precisely the wrong time, somehow--"
"There's no wrong time -- the sooner, the better. You can come back tomorrow if you want!" Holy FUCK she wanted that to happen so bad!
"I'll play it by ear," he replied, ignoring her awesome suggestion. "I reckon it'll be like Monterey: when it's time, I'll somehow just know."
Ellie snorted. "Um, yeah, pretty sure that didn't happen the way you imagined. But I guess that won't be an issue for you this time. I won't be around to... fuck everything up." She stared at her hands; she got the feeling he wanted to look at her, but he never seemed to want to maintain eye contact, so she figured she'd help him out.
"I'm hopin' Tommy an' Maria will do a better job of keepin' you out of trouble than I did."
"...Seriously?" She forgot about looking at her hands because she just had to look at him when she responded to that! "You cannot think that that was your fault -- that anything I've ever done, or whatever's happened--"
"Maybe not all of it, but a fair bit of it was preventable. Like with the army base. If you had told me what you were thinkin' of doin'--"
"But I didn't tell you! So it's not your fault! I made that mistake!"
"Again -- we don' need to get into all that," he replied calmly.
"No. I think we do. I know it feels like we're the same person sometimes... but we're not." They didn't talk about shit like that very often... didn't get all sappy and mushy with each other... but I KNOW Joel feels like that, too!
"What happens to one of us..."
"...happens to the both of us," she recited. "That doesn't mean when one of us fucks up, it's also the other one's fault!"
"It does when one of us is young--" --thankfully, he didn't call her a fucking child!-- "--and decides not to tell the other 'cause they don't feel comfortable doin' so--"
"No! That's not why! I just knew you wouldn't like it -- and I knew you would stop me! It's not like I don't trust you or something!"
"...Yeah."
She waited for him to elaborate, but that was all he said. "Yeah what?"
"I don't think you trust me as much as you think you do. Especially now. After what I did."
"I don't care about that!" Fuck -- what she had done was ten times worse! "If that's what this is about -- why you feel like you have to leave --"
"No, no... it ain't just that. It ain't just you. It's--"
"IT'S ME," she finished for him. "I guess that's slightly less bullshitty than the normal 'it's not you, it's me'? Cuz you put a just in there. Like you can at least admit to it partly being me."
He wasn't exactly smiling, but Ellie could tell he was amused.
That's a good thing! Usually Joel's amusement over something that irritated her only served to enhance her irritation, but anything that made him happy... and made him more like her Joel... "What's so funny?" she asked, trying not to sound too eager.
"Just rememberin' another time you got all annoyed about that. I think I've proven to you that I was tellin' the truth, that time."
Remembering stuff is REALLY good! Because no matter what memory it was, he had surely liked her better at the time than he did right now -- and I'm the same person. A WORSE person, but still ME... And it seemed he wasn't going to finish telling her without prompting. "When was that? I don't remember."
"The night of the wedding. You were a lil' tipsy, as I recall. Too much champagne."
Oh fuck... is it something embarrassing? She usually dreaded being reminded of such things -- like how Joel still teased her about singing "I Want Your Sex" in the shower that one day when she thought she was alone! -- but now she hoped it was something like that. Something that made him laugh... made him remember how much he loved her... made him change his mind about leaving... "Uh... still don't remember."
"Never mind. It's--"
"No! Now you have to tell me! It's mean not to!"
He didn't seem amused anymore, though. "It ain't even funny. It's actually one more example of me messin' with your head."
Oh Goddddd-- "But you don't. You don't fuck me up the way you think you do!" She resisted the urge to add a dirty little joke there, sensing that he wouldn't appreciate it right now.
"I do. It was after the reception. When we got home... went to bed. You... ended up thinkin' that I wasn't attracted to you. That there was somethin' wrong with you, 'cause of the way I never let you... touch me, an' whatnot... remember?"
"Oh." She remembered that now. That wasn't the right kind of embarrassing thing she wanted him to think of! "That wasn't your fault. I was stupid back then. I was only fifteen. You told me over and over--"
"That's right -- now that you're sixteen, you're so much older'n'wiser."
He's being sarcastic, obviously, but... There was amused-sarcastic and irritated-sarcastic, and unfortunately, this felt more like the latter. "Well... yeah. I've grown up a lot since then! Thank God you let me touch you now."
"I think you still have some more growin' up to do. I do kinda miss those days, though. When you were... more innocent. When sex was... ..."
He didn't finish that thought, but Ellie was pretty sure she didn't want to hear the rest of it. It dredged up an old worry she had voiced to Sophie, right before she and Joel had had sex for the first time; Sophie had assured her that Joel would still love her even if she wasn't as 'innocent' as he seemed to want her to be. And, of course, she had been right. But that was BEFORE-- before Ellie had started ruining everything! "I still looooove having sex with you. Making love with you. ...I wouldn't trade that for anything. It's not fair to--"
"I know, all right? Never mind all that now. Point is... we could both use some time apart. We've spent the better portion of the past... nearly two years now, either together or only apart for a few hours."
"I don't need time away from you!" she cried. "There's nothing wrong with--"
"Oh, there's plenty wrong with it... I don't expect you to under--"
"When we left Boston, what were we supposed to do? 'Oh, say, Ellie, I don't think it's right for us to be together so much, even though it's just the two of us out here, so why don't we take a few days off from that and--' "
"That ain't what I meant an' you know it."
"Well, then you only get to count one year of being together. Less than that, really, cuz of going to California and back! So there's only been a few months where we had a choice. And we chose not to be apart. Because that's what you do when you fucking love someone -- you want to spend--"
"Don't get all worked up, now."
"I'm not!"
"You are. Listen." He leaned in a little closer. "I know you think I'm doin' this to punish you--"
"Aren't you?" she snapped.
"No. It's more like... I'm takin' you up on your offer. Of givin' me space when I need it." ...And he actually put his hand over hers.
Ellie's heart even skipped a beat when he did it! Okay, but... "Space... sure. I'm cool with that. It's the breaking up, or whatever... that's the part I don't like. But we're not really. Right? You said it's not... totally?"
His thumb caressed her hand... as if he didn't hate her... "I ain't... abandonin' you. I don't want you to think that. I want you to... use this time..."
"If you're gonna say use it to think about what I did? I already have," she groaned. Oh how she'd fucking hated hearing that back in her school days in Boston! Taking the time to think about how much you fucked up only amounted to miserable time spent lamenting how much the punishment sucked. Which... was perhaps the whole point of the exercise? But it was always framed in such a way that thinking about it would help her grow and bullshit like that -- so infuriating. "I already know it was stupid -- it's the single most -- dumbest thing I've ever --"
"I don't want you to beat yourself up over that, no," he cut off her self-deprecation. "I want you to spend it with other people. Be with your friends. Do things you like to do. I... actually don't want you to think about what you did."
That was so utterly ass-backwards that Ellie almost laughed. "O... kay? So just... pretend I'm a good person while I--"
"You are a good person." He squeezed her hand, and for some reason that made her tear up again. "I think we... both just need to step back. That whole... what happens to one of us thing... there's a line between... supportin' one another, and... just... completely losin' ourselves in one another. ...Do you understand?"
She... really didn't. At all. "Can you just explain the part about how we're broken up but not? I'm still stuck on that."
"Right. That. Well... when you're spendin' time with other people. If you feel like... maybe you wanna kiss one of 'em. You can, because--"
"Why the fuck would I wanna kiss someone who's not you?!" Ellie huffed. "If that's what this is about -- if you think I need to explore my options --"
"I think maybe you should, yes."
She just stared at him. "Are you for real right now? You don't even like the idea of guys being anywhere near me. Now you want me to kiss one?"
"Don't put words in my mouth. That ain't what I said. ...And I didn't say anythin' about it bein' a boy."
Of course! A repeat of the argument from the other day: because maybe Ellie was just confused. "Seriously, Joel? Just because I loved Riley--"
"Girl or boy, all right? Whoever you'd like."
"But you'd prefer it if it was a girl. I know you would." She sighed. "It doesn't matter, Joel. I don't want anyone but you. It doesn't matter how long you're gone... I'm not gonna just... just--"
"I'm jus' sayin'. You have the option. It won't be cheatin'. You don't have to feel guilty. You don't even have to tell me about it. Ever. If you want terms, there's one: you can just keep that to yourself. Whether we stay together in the end or--"
"So that means you can be with other people, too," she interrupted coldly. It made sense that Joel wouldn't want to hear about her being with someone else... but is that the ONLY reason he's establishing this rule? "You can be with whoever you want and not have to tell me about it. Right?"
"Me? I won't--" He paused. "I won't have the opportunity. But in theory, yes, it applies to me, too."
Ellie reeeeeeally hoped he'd been about to say that he wouldn't want to be with anyone else, and then he'd decided to rephrase it because... why? So he won't give me false hope? Even if that wasn't the case, he was probably right: who would he meet if he left town? Some nasty-ass hunter chick? ... ... umm... he COULD, actually... fuck... he could meet some woman that he likes, who's closer to his age... someone who hasn't ever hurt him... and of course the bitch would fall in love with Joel, because he's amazing... Ellie had to shove the disturbing thought aside -- and focus on the part she had control over. "I'm telling you: I won't want to be with anyone else. So if this is a... Clicker thing? A be-cruel-to-be-kind deal? Waste of time. ...And don't you fucking dare tell me I should give Clicker a chance now!"
He smirked. "I hadn't thought about that, but now that you mention it... he's grown a couple inches... voice is changin'..."
Without even thinking about it, she sprang out of her chair and started hitting his arm -- like she often did when he was being super irritating. And he cowered, like he was scared of her... he didn't stop me! She shifted the barrage to his back, keeping the blows lighter than usual (she had certainly hurt him enough today) --
And then somehow she was in his lap -- being crushed against his chest --
"I've got you now," he said triumphantly.
The breaking-free squirming that Ellie did wasn't even half-ass -- hell, not even quarter-ass! -- because she just wanted to revel in the feeling of being smushed between his arms and his chest for as long as possible. This is awesome! MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND! Like he'll realize how much he'll miss playing with me--
He released her far too soon, but she wasn't going to let him push her away. As soon as she regained the use of her arms, she wrapped them around his neck and hugged him as tightly as she could. He didn't exactly hug her back, but his hand started rubbing her back soothingly. She felt a familiar tightening in her chest. Don't cry don't cry don't cry--
"C'mon, kiddo... we're gonna break the chair," he said lightly.
That statement brought her right back to all the times she'd climbed into his lap in that lounge chair on the beach. And the way he said it -- she knew he was thinking the exact same thing. If only I could just go back and do that all over again! She would never have gone to that base -- because fuck Parker -- and he really hadn't needed her help anyway! -- and she would have just kept her mouth shut about the whole thing. Joel said she should have come to him? Well... if she had, and then he had decided something needed to be done, maybe they still would have gotten into some trouble with the soldiers. Or possibly just kicked out of Golden Sands -- yielding the same result as what she'd done. Sending them back to Jackson, kicking off this horrible chain of events. Nope -- I should've just fucking kept it to myself. "I wish we never left California," she sniffled. "We never did break that chair, you know..."
"And this one's sturdier."
"Good! Cuz I'm not moving," she declared. Who knows if I'll ever get to hold him again? Seriously... how could he ever expect her to move when--
"We can sit on the couch if you want," he offered.
"Really?" Hell yes she fucking wanted -- but she didn't dare lift her head.
"Sure. C'mon." He patted her back.
"I'm too scared to let go," she admitted. "In case you're tricking me." ...To get even with me for tricking YOU? ...Yeahhh, this wasn't exactly on the same level as her trickery... and besides, it wasn't Joel's style -- aside from good-natured teasing and messing around, anyway.
When he pried her hands off of him and smoothly slid her off his lap, though, she didn't resist. She just... didn't give him much space to stand up and maneuver around her. She immediately put her arm around his waist... and his fell around her shoulders, just like fucking always... and when he sat on the couch, she fell right into his lap. He hugged her close, kissed the top of her head... it felt so fucking normal that Ellie couldn't help but hope--
"Prob'ly shouldn't be sittin' like this," he mused. "I reckon you're confused enough already. I am, too. It's sure been a whirlwind these past few days, hm?"
"I'm not confused at all." She pulled back to look at him earnestly. "I love you. I will do literally anything to make up for what I--"
"I know, baby girl... I know. I meant I'm confusin' you more by... holdin' you, right before leavin'..."
"You don't have to go," she pleaded. "I swear I'll give you the space--"
"I told you that's nonnegotiable," he reminded her gently. "I just don't wanna go until... 'til you're in a better place, with all this. ...But don't get any ideas about... purposely not tryin' to... I don' know. I guess if it comes down to it, I'll have to just go. But I'd like things to be... good, with us... before I do."
How can things be GOOD when you're fucking LEAVING ME?! she felt like screaming... but she also didn't want to do anything that might make him feel like pushing her off his lap. Whatever anger she felt toward him... well, first of all, it was unjustified, because what she had done was so despicable that she didn't deserve the luxury of being pissed off. She didn't care what Joel had to say about it -- she would berate herself for that, and think about what might have been...
Fuck -- that revelation or whatever at the barn, right before he proposed... when he said he realized how awful it was, what he did to me... would that have happened anyway, if I never chased after him? When she found him... what if he'd been sitting in the jeep like that because he was starting to have second thoughts about leaving? He had kind of hinted that that's why he had dilly-dallied there... Maybe those few hours had been enough to clear his head... or almost enough, and then when she showed up, he reverted to jerk mode because he hadn't quite changed his mind yet. If only she hadn't fucked up the timing of it... hadn't tampered with his natural process...
"Ellie?"
"Sorry. I was just... thinking." She sighed. "How do you know when you're supposed to just let things happen and when you're supposed to do something about what's happening?"
"A question for the ages," was Joel's unhelpful answer.
"It just feels like every time I go the 'do something' route, I fuck things up."
"Well, then, there's your answer," he said dryly. "So you weren't thinkin' so much as... schemin'. Is that it?"
"No." ...only because I can't think of anything that will work?
"Maybe if you have to lie... if your plan involves deception... that's a sign it ain't the best thing to do."
"I've thought about that, you know. But we lie to the whole town. Should we not? Should we just tell them what we're doing?" Surely Joel hadn't changed his mind about things so much that he wanted that!
"No. It's still none of their goddamn business, what we do. ...What we did."
Ugh -- the past tense stuff would kill her if she thought about it for more than a split second. "What we do. Because we're not really broken up."
He sighed. "Maybe a clean break would be better. Less confusin' for--"
"No no no no -- not clean! I'm good with messy, I swear!"
"...I don't think you are."
"It's better than the alternative, okay? So... what we did. Before. Meaning... we may or may not do it again in the future. Not that we... for sure are never going to do it again. It's just a question mark." I need to have some HOPE, for fuck's sake!
"Right. That works."
Whew! Okay -- act cool with that, Ellie... She would keep trying to think of them in present tense, and just... keep the thought to herself. Because Joel seemed pretty fucking set on giving her this bogus opportunity to ~explore her options~. "Okay, so... what am I s'posed to tell people when they ask where you are? Why you left?"
Joel took a few moments to answer. "Tell 'em the truth: that I had some personal shit to take care of... or work out... on my own. They don' need to know details. But, back to the lyin'... that is generally a sign that somethin's wrong. And this... you'n'me..."
Oh hell no -- she wasn't going to let him go there! "We're not wrong. I refuse to believe that! Everything you said... right before you..." For some reason, she didn't want to say the word 'proposed' -- or the phrase 'asked me to marry you.' Maybe since Joel had made it so clear he regretted it and she couldn't bear to see him cringe at the words? "Um... what you said about standing up to Tommy and stuff? We can still--"
"That's a conversation we'll need to have when I come back. If it's... still applicable."
"What do you mean?"
"If we're... if we decide to stay together."
"Of course we will!" she cried. This still sounds more like a break-up than a break!
"I just want you to keep an open mind about that, all right? Your feelin's might change after--"
"They won't! I can tell you right now that they won't!"
He was quiet a few moments. "It is possible to... love someone with your whole heart... and then go on to love someone else. This is only your starter relationship. You're gonna have--"
"No! Just -- stop, okay? I don't wanna talk about that! It's not gonna happen -- you could leave me and never come back, ever, and all those years later, I'd still only love you! That's why time apart is just wasted time, Joel -- seriously. I get that you need it... for yourself... but... just... I don't need it. No matter what happens, I'll never love anyone but you."
"All right," he said in that placating way that meant he didn't believe her but didn't want to keep arguing the point.
"Are you gonna be back for our anniversary?" she blurted.
"Which one... the next one? No, I'm sure I--"
"The next one that you count. The one year one. ...That sounds weird... but yeah -- one year. I won't count anything but the years now, too -- just like you wanted!" Ellie had counted the weeks at first... then just the months, once she'd lost track of the number of weeks... and Joel had humored her, but he said after the six-month one that only years should count, going forward. Although it wasn't like she expected a gift or a big celebration or something each time -- so she had continued to point them out to him anyway, and could usually at least squeeze a tiny bit of extra sappiness or affection out of him that day, if nothing else. Or, like last time, I managed to get him to agree to do an anniversary WEEKEND, which Tommy proceeded to fuck up... she supposed the whole notion of anniversaries was ruined now, too. "You know what? I don't even care about it anymore -- the counting. Whatever you want, Joel -- we can do everything your way. For real this time."
He just gave her a pitying look that made her feel... kind of humiliated, really. "I think you do still care. But I can't promise that I'll be back for that. I won't even know what day it is, for one thing."
"You can take a calendar! Or -- take mine, I'll make another one--"
"You know I won't keep up with that -- markin' the days off. That's your thing."
She swallowed hard. "Does it even... still count? Or does it like... have to start over, if we're apart?"
"I don' know. We'll have to decide that later."
In her head, she tended to go all the way back to when they first met, when she thought of how long they'd been together... but they weren't together-together back then, and besides, she didn't know what date that was. They had met roughly a year before their first kiss. Maybe starting over would be a good thing. A fresh start. No secrets, no lies, no fights, no pain...
Joel squeezed her. "Before... when you said you'd do anythin' to make it up to me..."
"Yeah?" She brightened at this -- she wanted to do something! "Anything!"
"Don't be sad. Don't do shit like... countin' the days I've been gone, or... sit around ruminatin' on what you wish was different..."
I should've known! "That's not a real 'anything,' " she grumbled. And she was going to count the fucking days!
"It is to me." He tilted her chin up and kissed her softly. "And whatever you do... stay out of trouble. Please."
She had thought kissing was off limits! She tried to kiss him some more... but he pushed her back, gently yet firmly, just enough that she couldn't.
"Did you hear what I said, Ellie?"
"Stay out of trouble," she repeated.
"Yes. Will you do that for me?"
"I will if you kiss me again," she promised, giving him a little smile as extra incentive.
He pressed his lips to hers, and she enjoyed the sweetness of the chaste little kiss for a moment before parting her lips, pulling him closer... cupping his jaw with one hand so she could stroke his beard... he loves it when I touch his face... why didn't I do it more often? If only I'd made him HAPPIER every way I could...
He held the back of her head in his palm and deepened the kiss... but pulled back way too soon. Like probably not even ten seconds later. "All right... that was a goodbye kiss," he said, like he had to justify it to himself.
"No, that was a... deal kiss," she corrected him. "We haven't said goodbye yet, so obviously it's not-- I mean, we're not even done talking yet. You can't say goodbye until we're done, so..."
He smiled. "It's dangerous, negotiatin' with you. Good thing we can't have goodbye sex."
"Yes we can!" Is that a thing?!
"Uh... no. The equipment ain't in workin' order."
Oh... right... "Does it still hurt?" she winced.
"Not too bad. But... no sex. We've had enough of it the last few days to--"
"No! Fuck, I hate that our last time was... that time! I practically raped you!"
He chuckled. "No you didn't. I could've stopped you."
"You tried! I didn't listen!"
"I... suggested. Ain't the same thing as--"
"Whatever! Joel, promise me that when you come back -- even if you don't wanna be with me anymore, we'll at least have goodbye sex, okay? That horrible time... can't be our last time. It just fucking can't be!"
He sighed. "I ain't promisin' that. That would be... really shitty of me to--"
"No it wouldn't! It wouldn't! I can't stand it -- I have to know that we're gonna at least have one more time together. Just one more. That's all I ask."
"No. That would do more harm than good. It would prob'ly start the clock all over again. Besides... I would know you're just usin' it to try to change my mind."
She didn't really get the clock thing, but that last part stung. "You make it sound like I don't even love you or something. I don't... use you, like that."
"Maybe not exactly, but we haven't been sleepin' together all that long, and already you've done it on multiple occasions -- you use sex to manipulate, or as a means to an--"
"I don't! I don't do that!" She knew what he meant, but she couldn't -- wouldn't -- admit to that. It felt like he was accusing her of not loving him, not wanting him... it just wasn't true!
He snorted. "I s'pose I shouldn't throw stones."
...the fuck? "What? What do you mean?"
"People in glass houses--"
"I don't mean the expression," she said impatiently. "I mean... when have you ever..."
"Forget the proposal -- back things up to November. When I decided it would be a good idea to have sex with a teenage girl."
Ellie really hated it when he referred to her that way! "With me, you mean. What's wrong with that? I know you enjoyed it, when we... that first time? The first bunch of times?"
"Not sayin' I didn't. But my reasons were... not sound."
"What do you--"
"Never mind. I'm tryin' to say... we've both made mistakes."
What the fuck is he talking about? "Joel... you love me. What other reason would you have--"
"I said forget it. Ain't goin' there." And the words were reinforced by his tone.
Curious though she was, Ellie filed that away for a future conversation -- assuming the break did not become permanent. "Fine -- so we're not perfect. But we love each other... so we just fix the mistakes and go on. Right?" Ohhhh, I'm onto something here-- "Joel, that's sort of your thing. If something goes wrong, you fix it. You don't give up... you don't run away... maybe you used to do that, but you don't anymore. You learned that you can't, with me. You tried to run and you regretted it before you even left--"
"That ain't what this is," he cut in. "It ain't runnin'. It's... takin' a step back, re-evaluatin' what--"
"You promised we wouldn't go backwards! Remember?" she snapped at him.
He looked at her sadly. "I also promised I'd never leave you. Maybe I shouldn't keep on makin' promises I can't keep."
Fuck... okay... it's okay... don't be mad at him for that...
But Ellie couldn't seem to listen to her inner self this time. She wrenched away from him. Stood up and walked away from the couch, even. "Just go already. You're right -- all you fucking do is break promises, so... so I can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth anyways and you should just go." She kept her back toward him. He turned his back on ME already, so fuck him!
He was silent for... longer than necessary, it seemed to Ellie, but eventually she heard him get up. She crossed her arms over her chest and refused to look at him, vowing to jerk away from him if he came up behind her and tried to hug her or something. Unfortunately, he didn't give her the satisfaction. He went into the hall... into the bedroom... and he returned with the guitar slung over his shoulder. "Here... take this to Tommy'n'Maria's. You can show 'em how good you've--"
"No!" She glared at him. "That's a me-and-you thing. I'm not fucking touching that stupid guitar if you're-- --actually, I might go ahead and touch it -- I'll fucking throw it, and break it into a million--"
"All right -- bad idea. You don't gotta break it. Please don't... don't do that. It'll just be in the closet for you if you change your mind. Music can be... sometimes it's helpful, if you're feelin' sad, or... whatever you might be feelin'. And playin' it yourself... or singin'... it can be even better than just listenin' to it." He disappeared into the bedroom again.
Ellie wanted to march right in there, grab that guitar, and smash it right over his fucking head. But that thought immediately filled her with shame; no matter how angry Joel got with her, she was sure he never even thought about hurting her like that. -Physically. Clearly, he had no problem hurting her in every other way. He's probably expecting me to go and yell at him some more or something... or maybe do the opposite, and apologize my ass off... beg him not to go... I WOULD, if I thought it would do me any good! She'd tried all that shit already, and the only thing that had actually worked was the Big Lie.
He was definitely being nicer now than he'd been the other day -- even though she deserved the kindness way less now than she did then -- but she knew he meant business. The cuddles and kisses, the tears... none of it mattered to him. None of it had touched his soul enough to make him stay.
Well, since he obviously doesn't care about what I want, I'm not going to give him what HE wants! He wanted to feel like she was cool with all of this. That she understood. His last memory of her wouldn't be all nice and sweet... she wouldn't smile and wish him well and cheerfully wave goodbye while he casually strolled right out of her life. She plopped back down on the couch -- the far end this time, curling her legs under her and twisting herself to face the wall to the left... which would never have a back door installed in it now, she supposed. And there's never gonna be a little spiral staircase here that he builds when we convert our house to two stories to make room for all the fucking KIDS we're gonna have... oh how fun it had been, dreaming up crazy shit like that with him after she complained she didn't want to move -- so he'd started thinking up alternatives... well, it was fun when I could convince myself the basis for it was REAL... or that we were just playing a GAME where we were both in on the joke...
Poor Joel. There were other times he'd tried to engage her in discussions like that -- either in a serious what-should-we-do manner or in more of a wacky, just-for-fun way -- and she'd just shut him down completely. Was that actually just yesterday? Fuck...
If only she could have kept her stupid fucking mouth shut today! Ugh -- why couldn't I just suck it up and live with the guilt? It was such a good plan (er... it was shitty, but 'good' as in effective). It was WORKING. We would have gotten MARRIED. How could living with a little guilt be any worse than NOT having Joel in my life at all?!
What the fuck was I thinking?
...and how can I be thinking that now when like, an hour ago, I asked myself that same question about the OPPOSITE of this?
Maybe that just meant she was fucked either way?
Joel seemed to take forever in the bedroom, and she couldn't imagine what he was doing in there for so long. (Well, she could... but she knew for sure it wasn't that.) She wasn't going to rush him out of her life, though. Even if she was being kind of a pissy brat right now.
When she heard his footsteps, she made sure she looked as nonchalant as possible, plucking at some non-existent thread on the knee patch of her jeans. She didn't have to look at him to know he was looking at her -- intensely. She could always feel it when he did that.
When he was done staring at her, he cleared his throat. "I'm gonna... go pick up a few things... see if Maria needs anything... why don't you come with--"
"I'm gonna stay here for now," she replied coolly; the last thing she wanted was to lose it in front of an audience somewhere. Even if it was just Maria. "But you don't have to worry about Maria. I'll make sure that she and your sick nephew are okay." Ellie had to applaud herself for saying that totally normal-like when in her head, she was emphasizing the sick nephew part and sounding way more guilt-trippy.
"I'm gonna go find Tommy," he said by way of excuse (...that was how she took it, anyway). "He should be with them now."
A painfully awkward silence followed.
Joel cleared his throat again, for some reason. "All right. Well... ... ... ...Take care."
"You too," she replied with a forced politeness usually reserved for casual acquaintances. She didn't look at him, though. Didn't smile.
He waited by the door for a few moments... to see if she would come running over and beg him not to leave? Maybe trying to think of some poignant final words that would suddenly make it all OKAY?
She did neither. She just sat there woodenly, not even bothering to pluck at her jeans anymore.
It wasn't until he'd started to close the door behind him that she came to her senses -- HE'S LEAVING AND I MAY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN -- "Joel! Wait!" she cried as she sprang to her feet.
But he'd already closed the door -- already left --
The door opened; he had heard her!
It was the ultimate cheesy 'movie moment' -- Ellie flew to the door and jumped on him, basically... literally leaped into his arms, wrapping all her limbs around him and making him stagger backwards a little. But he didn't fall... he held her tight, cradling her head on his shoulder... and somehow he managed to kick the door shut behind him, shutting out the world once again. And for the first time in ages, he squeezed her 'as hard as he could' (or as hard as he would) without her even asking him to -- up to the point where she wheezed, then easing up just enough for her to breathe. He did it three times before setting her down, prying her legs off him so she could stand.
She wasn't sobbing... but she wasn't holding back the tears streaming down her face, either. When she finally looked at him, she was surprised to see that his eyes were all shiny and red, too. She cupped his face in her hands. "Be careful out there, okay?" she squeaked. "Pretend I'm with you, if it makes you be more fucking careful."
"I will," he whispered. He pulled her in for a kiss... a chaste one this time, but it was soft and sweet (...and a little salty). He wiped her tears away and looked at her... adoringly. Somehow, he still fucking adored her, after everything she'd done. "I will come back. Don't worry."
Ellie just nodded dumbly... and tried to smile, although she wasn't certain her mouth muscles were working properly at the moment. He let go of her and opened the door. Turned and walked through it while she watched from the doorway. She hadn't planned on watching him go, but now she couldn't look away. I didn't tell him I love him one last time!
...But he knows. He's known it since way before I ever said the words.
She leaned against the door frame and watched Joel grow smaller and smaller. She waited for him to look back... maybe wave to her, or blow her a kiss or something... but he didn't. He never once looked behind him.
She watched until she lost sight of him in the trees... and for a long time after. Watching didn't make him reappear. Didn't make him change his mind. Didn't even make him come back after simply realizing he'd forgotten something in the house.
But Ellie kept watching anyway; she didn't know what else to do.
~Continue to Chapter 43~