"Singularity" Chapter 41: "Terms of Endearment" Part 1 [41/49]
Title: "Singularity" Chapter 41: "Terms of Endearment" Part 1 [41/49]
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,264
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title for this 2-parter is from the 1983 movie of the same name
~
Ellie just wanted to scream at him "STOOOOOOOOOP -- YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" during that whole... adorably rambly, incredibly sweet proposal. But of course, Joel wasn't the one ruining everything -- she was doing that herself. She'd ruined the whole concept of pregnancy for them, and now she was ruining marriage as well.
The funny thing was... she'd gotten exactly what she wanted. Her Big Lie had awoken Joel's heart after he'd put it to sleep (or perhaps it was more appropriate to say he'd knocked it unconscious), and now he was even making the ultimate commitment to her. He'd even reassured her that it didn't matter what happened with the baby -- meaning, if she lost it, he was still committed to her and wanted a future with her. And the proposal was all the more endearing because he was so obviously nervous... why the fuck should he be nervous? Was he afraid she wouldn't she say yes? She loved him with her entire heart and soul -- surely he knew that!
But...
Fuck.
She just couldn't say yes.
It wasn't his fault she had to turn him down. There was nothing more he could have done, and he didn't even have to say half of what he said to win her over -- he didn't have to say anything at all, for fuck's sake! She wanted to say yes so fucking badly. Joel deserved a yes. He definitely did not deserve what she was doing to him.
There were times scattered over the past couple of days when Ellie had felt happy. When she was able to focus on the here and now instead of fretting about the challenges ahead... but most especially when she managed to convince herself that her lie was the truth, and the game didn't even feel like a game. It MIGHT be true, she would reason. He might have gotten me pregnant that last time! She would know in a week or so -- probably less -- when her period either did or did not arrive.
Except... not arriving would not be definitive proof, because there were times she was just naturally late for whatever reason, so it could take even longer. And the more time passed, the tighter the grip her deception held on her heart. That grip seemed to get stronger by the hour... maybe even the minute! In those moments when she was hyper-aware of the reality of what she had done and the horror of what she had yet to do, it squeezed and squeezed until Ellie could barely breathe (...okay, maybe it was her lungs the wretched thing had a grip on, more so than her heart), and she couldn't fathom enduring another day of this torture, let alone a week or more.
And then Joel... fucking proposing?! It was just too much. It was supposed to be the happiest moment of her life, but she couldn't even enjoy it at all. Every fiber of her being started screaming "no!" when she wanted nothing more than to sing "yes yes YESSSS" -- and she hadn't even been thinking about marriage when she'd concocted this scheme! It probably should have occurred to her... but even if it had, she likely would have just dismissively imagined herself saying yes and considered it a bonus. No brainer, right? Pfffffft. If she had had any idea what it was going to feel like to betray Joel to this degree--
I should have known that, too... because she'd had a taste of it in Monterey, when she'd snuck out to the base. It had felt absolutely horrible, deceiving him. Much worse than she'd expected it to. Joel had been completely innocent that time... this time? not so much, due to him leaving her and all... but THIS lie is so much BIGGER... ugh, why am I so stupid? Why don't I just learn my lesson the first fucking time?! -And Joel says I'm a fast learner!
Just... seeing Joel run himself through the gamut of emotions that impending fatherhood had evoked in him, both good and bad... it had broken her. When he tried to put words to them... but especially when he didn't -- when she could tell he was trying to protect her from his fears. To put on a brave front for her, the way he always did. She wanted to tell him not to bother -- don't DO that to yourself -- but of course, she'd had to play along...
Now she had to make herself confess, and end this charade. Forget about ruining the happy prospects of pregnancy and marriage: she had ruined everything. Being with Joel should never feel like torture. She should never feel like she wanted to be away from him... him and his sweet, trusting, doting nature... she almost wished he would be a-- no, she did wish he would be a dick again! Because at least then they would be equals. Two assholes in a fucked-up relationship -- they would each deserve the other.
But no -- he has to go and be NICE. Nice, and surprisingly HAPPY about the baby, and looking forward to a future that's nothing but smoke and mirrors, as they say... all lies. How could I do this to him? What was I thinking?
"What do you mean you can't do this to me?" Joel asked, as if uncannily reading her mind... although she had voiced that one out loud. Probably just moments ago, if time still continued to pass the way it always did and had not, in fact, been slowed down to an agonizing crawl by the immeasurable dread in her stomach. His voice was all gentle and concerned, despite the fact that she'd just wrecked his plans again (with just one little word this time) and stomped all over his heart. He was sitting beside her now, in the passenger seat, as her 'no' had released him from his down-on-one-knee position -- a romantic gesture that Ellie had thought only happened in movies.
She was sitting there behind the wheel, facing forward instead of sideways now. Entertaining a little fantasy of driving out of that barn... into some fairytale sunset where she could just not open her mouth to speak ever again and thus, keep Joel by her side ~forever~. But I can't... I have to tell him... she took a deep breath. Exhaled it slowly. ...And still couldn't seem to make herself do it.
"What is it you think you're doin' to me? Hm?" He reached over and squeezed her shoulder soothingly.
"Stop being so nice to me," she grumbled. "You keep saying you don't deserve me... but I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. And I can't stand it -- that you don't know that -- so I... I have to tell you why. Even if it makes you hate me."
"I could never--"
"Don't say that -- I haven't told you what it is!" she cried.
"Don' matter. There's nothin' you can tell me that would make me hate you... or even jus' stop lovin' you. I promise."
She chuckled bitterly. "You think that only because I haven't told you... this." Quit stalling, Ellie, just... man up and fucking TELL HIM. She forced herself to look at him. Because she deserved to watch the love melt right off of his face. "You know how I... don't always think things through, before I do them? And sometimes... I end up doing really stupid things? I know I told you I was done with that -- ha -- but... I guess I'm not, cuz that's what I did. And I got exactly what I wanted -- even more than I wanted -- but the way I got it was just so... awful... that it sucked all the goodness out of it and I can't feel happy about getting it..."
"You ain't makin' a whole lot of sense here, kiddo. What is this... stupid thing that you think you did? Maybe it ain't as bad as you think."
His not-knowing... his innocence... it fucking killed her. "No, it's bad," she whispered. Fuck... MORE tears?
"Here. Come sit with--"
"No!" She jerked away from him when he tried to pull her closer. "Joel... I'm a ginormous piece of shit. I... don't deserve... to have you be all fucking sweet to me..."
"The hormones are makin' you extra emotional," he reasoned. "But don't put yourself down like that. You're--"
"It's not hormones!" she groaned. He blames EVERYthing on those! (Granted, she was normally quite content to let him blame the fucking hormones.)
"Then what--"
"The whole thing is a lie," she blurted finally. Simple and succinct. "I made it up."
"What whole thing?"
...He still doesn't get it! Had he already forgotten he'd been immediately suspicious of her when she'd first told him she was pregnant?!
Fuck, he's in denial or something... I'm gonna have to actually SAY it... And, coward that she was, she ducked her head so she wouldn't have to see the look on his face after all. She stared at the middle of the steering wheel right in front of her instead. "The baby. There isn't one. There never was one. I'm not pregnant." She paused, to let that sink in and give him a chance to react, but she wasn't surprised when he remained silent. "I mean... as far as I know, I'm not. I was hoping that... it would happen anyway, you know? So I wouldn't have to lie. But every time you're nice to me... I couldn't stand it. I didn't know it would feel like this. So... shitty. But you were gonna leave, and nothing I could say was gonna change your mind, and I remembered you saying... before... that if I ever got pregnant, you wouldn't leave me, so... I just decided..."
Still dead silence from the passenger seat.
"I'm really sorry, Joel. ...Really sorry," she added lamely. "I know that doesn't even begin to... um... make a difference or anything... just..."
She sneaked a glance at him; he wasn't looking at her, so it was safe for the moment. He was staring straight ahead of him, his expression impassive, from what she could see. Processing her confession... no longer in denial... Yep, he hates me now. She involuntarily held her breath as she waited for some kind of acknowledgment from him.
He didn't look at her when he finally spoke, either. "So you... what, just... figured I'd never notice?" His voice was quiet... slow... and devoid of emotion.
"No... I just figured I'd... 'lose the baby' when I got my period, and then..." God, it sounds even shittier when I say it out loud! "I thought you might still stay with me, if I acted sad and everything, you know, like... I dunno. Or I thought maybe if there was enough time for you to be good with us being together again, to like... un-brainwash you... you wouldn't just... Oh! And I thought you'd be relieved, cuz you didn't want the baby anyway, so it would be like... no big deal? But then you were acting like you did want it--"
"You thought it would be... no big deal," he repeated, the words laden with unnatural coldness. "No. Big. Deal. To... lose a child?" He looked at her then... so incredulous was he that she could actually be this much of an idiot that he had to see for himself, she supposed.
She felt the heat rushing to her face. "But it's not a child yet -- not even a baby," she explained, hating how defensive she sounded. "And you said they're not even any fun until they're a few months old... like you don't even care about being with Grayson cuz he's so little and stuff. Er... I mean... not that you don't care about him, or anything, just..." WHY does everything sound so much WORSE after I say it out loud?
"So you thought I would be happy. That you 'lost the baby.' "
"Only like right after I told you I was pregnant -- not after we talked about it more... and then you actually seemed happy about it! About having the baby, I mean. I wasn't expecting that -- you always said you didn't want kids and stuff, you know? So then I was really really really hoping I'd get pregnant and everything would work out the way it--"
"And then you'd never have to tell me the truth. Sure. Of course that's what you wanted."
There was that maddening calm again... only it was different now... it's like MAD calm? Cuz he's PISSED... but he's not yelling... she almost wanted him to yell at her. Crazy as that sounded. Like... then she wouldn't have to hear the bad emotions creeping into his tone. The hurt, the disappointment... they'd be background noise because the anger would take over, and that was just easier to absorb, somehow...
He snorted. "No wonder you wanted to fuck all the time. Once again, it had nothin' to do with me."
OH GOD-- "That's not true! It was nothing like that! I really--"
"Oh no? Nothin' like it? Were you or were you not only wantin' to have sex -- I beg your pardon, to fuck -- as a means to an end?"
She hated that he kept referring to it as fucking! It was so unlike him... it made the whole thing sound nastier. And just now, he'd gone out of his way to make it clear that that was the most appropriate word. "No -- I love you!" she blubbered.
"Tch. You... musta been laughin' your ass off when I told you my theory about all that. I was way off base."
"No! You were right! I wasn't--"
"Stop. Just... stop. I don't wanna hear it."
"But you have to know that I--"
"I don't know... anything... right now," he said, his stifled anger so quiet and cold it sent a shiver up her spine... and then he suddenly slammed the dashboard with so much force Ellie nearly jumped out of her skin.
"Joel--" She instinctively reached for him, but of course he flinched -- her touch would be no comfort to him now.
"Don't," he warned her, fixing her with something strongly resembling a deathglare. "Stay in the car. For once in your life just do what I ask you to."
She nodded dumbly... and didn't even bother reminding him that she did listen to him more often than not. He slid out of his seat, and she hiked her knees up to curl herself into a ball the second he left her sight. She had to turn sideways again to achieve this, thanks to the steering wheel. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks, but for some reason, they didn't evolve into full-fledged sobs. If ever there was a time to sob, surely this would be it. But she just... sat there, hugging her knees as tightly as she wanted to be hugging Joel right now.
She heard some loud noises coming from the other end of the barn; obviously, Joel was working through some rage that he hadn't expressed while sitting in the jeep. He couldn't hit her, so... fuck, I almost wish that he WOULD! Because she deserved it, yes, but also because he would certainly feel bad about it afterward, and be all apologetic and remorseful, and like... beg her to forgive him -- which she would, of course, because then he'd have to forgive her, too.
Why can't it just be that easy?!
...Because I'm a horrible, wretched person. Even now, when I'm trying to do the right thing -- I'm a total dick because for my own selfish reasons, I just wished for Joel to do something that would make him feel awful.
That wasn't exactly fair, though, that last thing he said... it's not like I NEVER do what he wants! This was... an extreme situation... he'll realize that, right? Oh God, what if he really does hate me? Or if he thinks I don't actually LOVE him or something... with the sex stuff... he won't believe anything I say, ever again! FUUUUUCK why did I have to ruin everything?! Maybe if she had even just... faked it a little better, during the sex. He was going to replay it in his head, and remember how she didn't even want him to touch her... he's gonna think I was just in it for the jizz. Why WOULDN'T he? Because yeah -- I pretty much WAS. The second it was over, I felt super guilty and didn't even let him hold me... well, except when we were in bed, cuz... that would've been REALLY weird, if I didn't... but even then, she knew she hadn't been acting like herself.
The guilt had just been eating her up... she couldn't even enjoy something as basic and wonderful as feeling Joel's arms around her. She had found herself wanting to get away from him, drawing out private 'nature breaks' and 'puking sessions' as long as she could. Sometimes she would cry... other times she would just sit there and zone out, as that practice was the only true reprieve from her own shittiness. From having to pretend. Joel had noticed how she was distancing herself, and he called her on it -- which he really only did if he sensed there was something majorly wrong that needed addressing. But he wasn't expecting something as bad as THIS...
Oh God, pleeeease let him be getting ALL of the anger out of his system right now, and I'll be super good and do whatever he says and I'll MAKE LOVE to him instead of fucking and -- just -- GOD, that horrible last time CANNOT be the last time we have sex! She had heard of bad sex, of course. Understood the concept. She thought the term was reserved for... well, just about anyone else -- not her and Joel! They loved each other, so it could never be bad. Joel had drummed that notion into her head in the beginning of their relationship, when she had kind of stressed out about not doing things right. But this last time... neither one of them had enjoyed it, and now they were both sore...
Shit -- even if Joel does forgive me when he comes back here, I can't PROVE how much I love him, physically, cuz he said he's too, like... I BROKE HIS DICK, basically... she did wonder if he was exaggerating about that in order to give himself a break, because she'd been so pushy and insistent and not taking no for an answer.
But maybe it was just as well. Would she really be able to prove anything, that way?
She thought back to their first time... how tender and sweet Joel had been. How he had vowed to kiss all her freckles plus all the spaces in between. He had made her feel so special, so cherished... she had never done that for him. Not the freckles -- he didn't really have any to speak of -- but she could still kiss every inch of his body, couldn't she? He's said he likes kissing my skin because I'm soft and smooth, and he's... NOT... but so what? I love every inch of him and there's nothing about him that's GROSS or whatever. It would feel good for him, to be kissed like that, I'm sure... even if I have to handcuff him to do it...
Except the handcuffs were probably also relegated to the pile of Things That Are Now Ruined. At least that one wasn't her fault (er, except for not locking the fucking door?!)(...and being so loud...)(...okay so it was her fault) -- and she would gladly never use them again if that somehow un-ruined the other things. Seriously, though -- I would trade ALL of it for Joel to still love me, and forgive me, and just go back to the way things were. No marriage, no baby -- just us being together. Loving each other. Simple and PURE. I don't care what Joel says -- we ARE pure in the way we love each other. It's just so fucking REAL.
Or, it had been, before... she had stained that purity, these past couple of days. Defiled it with her deception.
As wretched as she felt at the moment, though, there was something inside of her that felt... better. Like... even satisfied. She hadn't realized how heavy a burden the lies would be. Lies, plural, because there couldn't be just the one. It wasn't like she could say it one time and be done with it. There was the repetition of it, but also the fact that the first one had spawned another, then another, and they just kept multiplying. She had probably lied to Joel a hundred times in the past forty-eight hours.
But... we lie to the town every day, don't we? Why doesn't THAT feel like this? Ellie felt very little guilt over that one. Probably because she understood why it had to be done -- there was nothing sinister about it -- and, perhaps most importantly, Joel was in on it with her. "You'n'me against the world"... GOD, I hope he meant that...
No, he didn't. That was when he thought we were going to be a FAMILY.
He did seem to have proposed as a means of making Ellie feel more secure... so she would know it wasn't just about the baby. Like he didn't even need to wait and see if she lost it or not before deciding he wanted to marry her. He'd had that like... epiphany about why she was constantly harassing him for sex -- rough sex, at that -- where he was so sure he had it all figured out, and every sweet word was just another stab in Ellie's heart. Because the real reason never would have occurred to him! Basically, he had proposed because he didn't want her to have to worry about losing both of them.
And now I HAVE...
She realized it had gotten quiet in the barn. She listened hard for a few moments... nothing. Slowly, she lifted her head... like she didn't want Joel to catch her looking... or like he was going to jump out at her from somewhere and make her yelp in surprise (how awesome would that be right now?!)... which, of course, he wouldn't. He wouldn't be playing with her like that any time soon. If ever. She scanned the entire place and didn't see him. He was either hiding from her, or he had gone outside. ...Gone and left her.
No, he's not GONE-gone... he wouldn't do that. Not Outside, at least. And not like this, when he knew she was sitting there, waiting for him. When he'd specifically told her to stay put. I deserve it if he does, she tried to tell herself... because wouldn't that make it easier to bear, knowing she'd brought it on herself and therefore had to suffer the consequences of her own stupidity? She'd never really had to pay for any of her mistakes with Joel. With other people -- like back in Boston -- sure. But not with Joel. He'd proven to be the exception to every rule... until now, maybe...
He would probably leave her now -- again. Maybe not right this second, but that's what he was probably planning to do. Her little trick would only serve to sour his memories of her. She had ruined the good ones for him. Made it less likely that he would ever want to come back, too. If she had just let him go off and do his thing the first time, maybe he wouldn't have stayed gone very long, but now... I deserve it... whatever he does, I deserve it...
She ruminated for what felt like a long time... and when Joel finally came back, she was calm. She had moved to the passenger seat to save him the trouble of asking her to scooch over, but she needn't have bothered; he was beckoning her to come to the front of the barn, where they'd dumped their stuff earlier... a long time ago, before he hated me...
"C'mon," he said. "We're walkin' the rest of the way."
..."We"? Ellie hardly dared to hope that that actually meant something. She was too afraid to ask. Too afraid to say or do anything that might upset him. She just took her share of the stuff and started walking with him -- a little bit behind him, actually, because he was walking fast enough that she couldn't keep up without jogging here and there to close the gap. She assumed his Outside brain was at least somewhat engaged right now and he wouldn't want to discuss anything along the way... which was not unusual, but the silence and the distance he kept between them felt decidedly hostile this time. He didn't even glance back at her -- not even once. Ellie tried to use the time to strategize... to come up with some way to make him not hate her... but it was hard for her to move past thoughts of the "what is he thinking right now?" variety -- even though she knew he probably wasn't doing any hardcore thinking at the moment. She just wanted to talk to him, and he was doing his best to make that impossible. She didn't complain. Didn't say a word...
...until the perimeter wall came into view, and she just had to know what the fuck he was planning on doing. "Joel... wait a sec... please? Can you tell me what we're doing? Please," she repeated. Lest she sound demanding or something. She reeeeally didn't want to offend him right now!
At least he stopped walking to address her question. "You're goin' back to Tommy's. I know you said he hates you, but I highly doubt that. I suggest you be nice'n'sweet, like I know you can be, and he'll get over it. If you really don't wanna stay there, you all can work that out amongst yourselves. But I think that's the best place for you right now."
Fuck a duck! This did not sound good at all. Still, there was hope... "What about you? Are you going to... your house?" Guess I can't call it OURS anymore...
"No. I ain't stayin'. Just pickin' up a few things, maybe talk to my brother a little."
Fuck -- he IS planning on leaving again! One of her worst fears was confirmed. He was looking at her now, so she focused her gaze on the ground. She had wanted to talk to him, and now she was talking to him, and yet... all she could do was stare at this little rock by her toe like it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen. I don't even know what to say. Everything I wanna say will come out wrong, or make things worse... fuck, is he waiting for me to say something?
Too many moments had passed for a simple "Okay" to sound normal. Should I just start walking? Why is he just standing there?
"Ellie."
Fuckfuckfuck... She glanced up. Just a quick glance to acknowledge him; she didn't dare look him in the eye.
"I don't really know what to tell you right now," he said slowly. "I just need some time. Please don't try to follow me."
She kept her eyes downcast. "I won't, I promise. I know you hate me now, so..." Ugh, why did I say that?! He's gonna think I'm trying to make him say he DOESN'T hate me... and then if he doesn't say that, it's like legit confirmation that he--
"I don't hate you," he replied, putting one of her other fears to rest. "I hate what you did... but like I've told you before, I could never hate you."
She shuffled her feet a little. "Okay... so... you don't hate me, but you don't love me anymore." She nearly choked on those last few words. "Right?"
"Wrong. Of course I love you. No matter what you do... I still love you."
There was no love coming through in his voice when he said it... but why would he lie right now? He MUST mean it... Maybe he wasn't in love with her anymore. Like how he loved Tommy even when he was mad at him -- maybe that was the way he loved her now. Still, love is love... I think? "Then why are you leaving?" she whispered, looking up at him tearfully.
"Because... I just need time."
"Time for what? Like... to think and stuff? I'll leave you alone if you want, I swear." And she meant it! She was just happy to know that he miraculously still loved her. "You don't have to leave."
"...Yes I do. It won't be forever. Might not even be that long."
That sounded more promising! "So you're... not breaking up with me?"
He hesitated.
FUCK! "You are," she corrected herself. "I ruined everything. You don't wanna be with me anymore."
"I didn't say that. I just need time. ...I think you do, too."
"What... time away from you? I will never need that!" Stolen moments of solitude aside (that was different). Ellie knew time apart wouldn't help anything. It would only drive them farther apart!
"You might not see it this way, but it might be what's best for you. I guess this would be what they call... takin' a break."
She was afraid to ask, but... "What does that mean? I'm confused. Are we broken up, or not?" She tried to keep her tone as level as his. Tried not to sound too pathetic and desperate. Not breaking up was probably too much to hope for at this point...
"It means... we are, an' we ain't."
This did not un-confuse her one bit.
"I know that don't help much," he chuckled (he actually CHUCKLED!). "I'm sorry. I've never actually done it before... there's s'posed to be rules, an' whatnot..."
Usually Ellie liked it when Joel told her he'd never done something before, but this definitely wasn't one of his firsts that she wanted any part of. He laughed a little bit just now, though. And he's not all pissed off like he was before. Maybe if I play this right... she would agree to any terms he set forth this time! "Okay. Tell me the rules. I'll do whatever you want," she vowed solemnly.
He frowned. "We prob'ly should talk a little more. Let's go Inside, dump all our shit, an' have a proper conversation." He started walking again before she could reply.
She hurried to catch up to him. "What if Tommy won't let us talk alone?" she fretted.
"Tommy can kiss my ass," he growled.
Which... didn't exactly answer the question. "Okay... but he might try to--"
"I'm bringin' you back -- he's gettin' what he wants. He should be happy enough about that to give us a few minutes."
I need more than a few minutes! "Can we go to our house?" she suggested. "Er... your house?"
"It's still yours, too. Maybe you can live there instead of--"
"No -- I don't wanna stay there without you." Ellie already knew that would be depressing as fuck.
"Good. You're prob'ly better off bein' with Tommy an' Maria anyhow, at least for a while," he said.
"Not better off than I would be with you," she couldn't help clarifying.
"Don' know about that, but I meant better off than bein' by yourself. It don't suit you."
"Well, it doesn't suit me to be apart from you, either."
He sighed. "Ellie--"
"I know -- sorry. I'll shut up now." She even let herself fall a little behind again, to lessen the temptation to keep talking to him.
What she really needed to do instead of annoy him with her blathering was to fucking think. If she could persuade him to go to their house... sit on that lumpy old couch where they'd spent so many hours together -- even before they were a couple. Just hanging out together. The bed was probably not the best idea, since there was now a bad memory associated with it (the last time they'd used it, Tommy had walked in), plus it wasn't like they could have sex with his dick being like... injured?... plus plus she didn't want Joel to think she was just trying to get him alone to seduce him or something.
Not that she'd be above doing that. I've already stooped WAY lower than THAT, obviously, so why the fuck not? But... no, she could imagine that backfiring on her here. Big time. Deceiving Joel, or manipulating him... that was a really shitty way to go about getting what she wanted. Hadn't she just learned that it didn't even work, because as it turned out, she failed at being a completely shitty person who could actually execute the evil plan in its entirety? I'm just going to stick to the plan of doing whatever he tells me to do, and give him no reason to stop loving me. She still couldn't quite believe that he loved her at all, after what she'd done. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in for him yet, and when he's away, he'll realize he really does hate me? Oh God I hope that's not true... that was the problem with words -- just because they were true one minute did not guarantee they would remain true the next. Or, rather, the sentiment behind the words. ...And Joel gets it... that's why he asked me to marry him... GOD I hope he meant it when he said nothing I do can change his feelings--
That was the confusing part. Because clearly, her confession had changed everything. Changed the course of their relationship and made him not want to be around her. How can he say he still loves me if he doesn't want to BE with me?
Just before they reached the west gate, Ellie did risk annoying him by grabbing his arm. "Wait... what about the scanner?" she hissed.
"Won't be a problem. The damn thing's still MIA. No one knows what happened to it."
"Oh yeah, I forgot!" She smiled a little. "You never did tell me what--"
"I said no one knows what happened to it. What makes you think I know?" Totally nonchalant, he was.
"Gee, I dunno... the fact that it happened right after we came back? Right after your first guard shift!" Actually, it was his second, as she recalled, but she kept that to herself. Will he at least correct me on that part, even if he doesn't tell me what he did?
He made another little "tch" noise and then waved up to whoever was manning the gate. ...Or womanning, as it turned out. Ellie wasn't sure she'd ever seen two chicks on the same shift at the same gate like this before.
"Are you two okay?" the one named Billie called down to them. Ellie randomly remembered that she'd been at dinner that first night she and Joel had arrived in town... a million years ago now, yet somehow just barely over one year. Things were so good back then. Ellie had been so good, herself... so much more worthy of Joel than she was now. If I could just do it all over...
"We're fine, thank you," Joel answered politely.
"Everyone's been so worried about you, Ellie!" added the other guard, a middle-aged woman named Ashley. She was an Idaho person, so Ellie didn't know much more about her than that.
"I'm... fine, thanks?" she echoed Joel. The gates started slowly creaking open. She doesn't even know me... maybe that's why she said 'everyone' instead of 'I' or 'we'?
"One of us is supposed to take you to see Maria," Billie told them. "Although she's not answering at the moment. Just Ellie... she didn't say anything about you, Joel, but--"
"That won't be necessary," Joel cut her off. "I'll take Ellie over there myself."
"Uh... I can find my own way, you guys," Ellie grumbled. Not that she didn't want Joel to take her, just... they made it sound like she was a little kid in need of an escort.
Ashley smirked down at her. "Oh honey now I don't know about that! We heard all about what you pulled that day you... escaped. Haha!"
Shit! "You did?" Hopefully they hadn't heard everything... and now Joel was quirking an eyebrow at her curiously, too.
"Uh-huhhh," Ashley replied knowingly -- making Ellie wonder what the fuck she knew. "You're a little troublemaker, you are. Gotta keep an eye on you."
"Glad you found what you were looking for, though!" Billie chirped.
They passed through the gates -- with no threat of being scanned, just as Joel had 'predicted' -- and headed toward Tommy and Maria's house at the center of town. Ellie couldn't help remembering the last time they'd done this exact same thing... how different her mood had been. How it hadn't felt at all like she was marching to her doom like she was now. Is Joel remembering it, too? GOD this sucks... She certainly didn't want to see or talk to anyone right now, so unlike that last homecoming walk to the house, she kept her gaze firmly on the ground. She didn't even watch where she was going. Just blindly followed Joel.
"We could just go home first," she suggested.
He didn't answer, and even though she wasn't paying much attention to where they were, Ellie could tell they weren't going in that direction; they would have veered left by now.
No one tried to stop them or talk to them, and she couldn't help wondering if Joel was doling out "stay away" looks or if maybe they were both just... giving off major "stay away" vibes. Even without interruptions, the silent trek seemed to take twice as long as it should have. Ellie was torn between never wanting to reach their destination and wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.
When they finally got there, Joel told her to just do her special little knock that she liked to do rather than make Maria come answer the door, if Tommy wasn't there -- and Ellie was thinking he probably wasn't, or he would have come and collected her personally. Although surely, someone could have called him... they hadn't even mentioned him, at the gate... guess we'll find out soon enough! Oh please don't be home and please let Maria be cool...
Ellie was pretty sure Maria didn't hear the knock, because the first thing Ellie heard when she opened the door was Grayson wailing from upstairs. She gave Joel a "what do we do now?" look.
"Hello!" Joel bellowed. "Anyone home? Besides the little guy... obviously..."
It hadn't occurred to her that even Maria might not be here. "Shit... they wouldn't leave him here alone, would they? In the middle of the day? I don't even think Sylvia would have left her munchkins in the--"
"Joel -- Ellie!" Maria came out of Grayson's room, the screaming baby cradled against her shoulder, and Ellie breathed a sigh of relief -- as did Maria when she looked at the two of them. "Hang on..."
Ellie hovered near the bottom of the staircase awkwardly. She didn't put any of her stuff down because Joel hadn't done so -- which she hoped meant he did indeed want to go to their house. Plus, Joel was staying close to the front door, so...
Maria reappeared without the baby, shutting his bedroom door behind her and effectively muffling his cries. "Been trying to get him to go down for his nap for a while now, but as you can see..."
"Want me to try?" Ellie offered without thinking. ....Fuck -- the LAST thing I want is to hold a BABY right now!
But thankfully, Maria waved that off. "He'll be all right for a minute. He's been a little sick," she explained. "Nothing serious. Just running a little bit of a fever."
"Oh shit... are you sure he's okay?" Ellie couldn't tell if Maria was downplaying it for their benefit or not. "Did you take him to the clinic?"
Maria joined Ellie in her awkward hovering near the bottom of the staircase -- and Ellie noticed that she'd made no move to hug her. "Yes, and yes. Got some baby aspirin. Hopefully it does the trick. ...You guys can take a load off... literally..."
"We ain't stayin'," Joel told her. "Just wanted to... check in, for a minute. Ellie will be comin' back, though."
Much to her chagrin, Ellie felt a blush creeping over her face. She stared at her shoes. "If I'm still welcome here," she added to Joel's presumptuous announcement sheepishly.
"Why wouldn't you be?" Maria replied, with much more kindness than Ellie deserved.
Oh, I dunno... cuz I screamed at you that your husband saw me naked when he didn't even, and I tried to make him sound like a total perv? Because I told you I hated you both and I was never coming back? ...Because I even kinda trashed your house a little? She might have voiced those thoughts if Joel wasn't standing right there, but she was too embarrassed to admit to any of that in front of him.
Joel moved a little closer to them. "Whatever went on here that day is my fault," he gallantly claimed, because apparently, break or no break, that was still his thing. "I shouldn't've left the way I did... and I'm sorry about that."
Ellie waited for Maria to jump in and say no, it was all their fault, especially Tommy... but she didn't. Where IS Tommy? "Tommy's not home? I thought I heard a walkie talkie... from somewhere over there..."
"He's not, and that's mine. I've gotten a little lazy about carrying it around... can't clip it on these pants too good." She snapped the elastic on her sweat pants. "They'll just fall right down."
"Oh... I thought maybe you guys were only using one now. Since Tommy's staying home a lot more...?" And Ellie thought she remembered them saying that one of the walkie talkies was 'acting up' anyway....
"He's lookin' for Ellie. Ain't he." Joel said it with such certainty, like he knew it was true, but he couldn't possibly--
"He is," Maria confirmed. "He put together a search party right after you left. ...I take it nobody found you, then. You just decided to come back on your own?"
Ellie couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Why would he do that?" she asked plaintively. "I mean... I get why, I guess, but... why would he personally go? After all that shit I said?"
"It would've been hard to find us," Joel said, completely ignoring all the questions from both her and Maria. "On horseback, I presume?" He paused for Maria to confirm this. "Ain't like I was stickin' to the highway. Ellie only found me 'cause she's got a good memory for places. Places we stayed at before, off the beaten path."
She was glad he omitted the part where she'd actually found him two days ago; she suspected he did it on purpose. Does he feel as guilty as I do that people were out SEARCHING for me while we were just like... fucking practically nonstop? She hadn't really cared when Joel had brought up that possibility before, but now that it was more real, it added another layer to her feeling of overall shittiness.
"I would've taken that into account," he continued, "had I known it would be so damn easy for her to leave here, pretty much right after I did."
Ellie thought he sounded a bit... accusatory? But she had a feeling that if it were Tommy he was addressing, there would be an accompanying deathglare. And perhaps a few harsher words. Joel tended to be less passive aggressive with his brother. Please don't ask me how I got out--
"Joel, I'm really sorry about that," Maria replied. "To my knowledge, no one's figured out how she did it. Tommy went and spoke with all the guards and none of them would admit to letting her out. They searched the whole town -- put everyone on alert -- no one even admitted to seeing her that morning." She turned to Ellie. "Tommy said he even searched that burned-up old house you went to that one time... where you hid from Joel? He was hoping that after you couldn't get out, you were just too stubborn to come home. That eventually you'd calm down... or get hungry or something..."
Remembering that day she ran away from Joel flooded Ellie with fresh shame. And not only had she run away -- she'd found an awesome hiding spot and made sure she wouldn't be found. Yet still Joel almost found her. Probably the only thing that had stopped him from searching every nook and cranny was the horrible condition of the house, that foul burnt odor... like his brain was telling him "why would she hide in THERE?" She could have saved him hours of agonizing searching if she'd just gotten over herself and come out when she heard him calling for her the first time. How the fuck does Joel NOT hate me after everything I've done to him? It might not look like it, but the man was actually a fucking saint.
"He thought about sticking around longer," Maria was saying, "in case it was something like that, and you turned up. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt like you were gone. You were determined to go find Joel and... well, hey, guess you did."
Maria's tone at the end there was just adding salt to the wound that was Ellie's guilt (another dumb old expression: why would anyone rub salt into a wound? But at least that made the thing make sense in that salt would only make matters worse). Plus if we had come back right away, we probably would've run into the searchers and saved everyone at least SOME trouble? Ugh. "I didn't think Tommy would actually leave town to look for me," she said apologetically. "I figured he would be more like... good riddance?"
Joel snorted at that.
"I told him I hated him, Joel," she informed him coolly. "If someone said that to me... along with a bunch of other nasty stuff? ...I sure as fuck wouldn't feel like chasing after them. I guess I thought... I dunno..."
"You weren't thinkin' at all," he replied. "Not about how what you were doin' might affect other people. But... well, neither was I, I s'pose. I should've anticipated that somethin' like this might happen." He looked at Maria. "I'm real sorry about that. We both are. I need to talk to Ellie... without the distractions of bein' Outside..."
You mean cuz we were only a few minutes away from home when this BREAK thing came up?
"...and then I'm leavin'. She won't follow me this time. If you know which direction Tommy went, I'll head that way first... see if I can track him down an' send him home."
"He was in the group going west. He had a hunch that Ellie would look for you on the road to California first." Maria looked at Ellie curiously. "How did you escape? Did someone... cover for you?"
Does she think using the word 'cover' instead of 'lie' will make me rat out my helper? Ellie wondered if the searchers had questioned Max. She figured they probably had, which meant he had lied his ass off. He's such a loyal friend! she thought fondly. But she knew Joel wouldn't see it that way. There was only one way out of this! "I... uh... I just sort of... clicked my heels together three times and said 'There's no place like... ...like Outside!' ...and then I magically grew creepy fairy wings, and I FLEW my ass Out. Yep! That's what I did."
She thought that sounded pretty good! But it didn't earn her so much as a chuckle or an eyeroll from either of them.
Joel wasn't interested in discussing it further, or making small talk, or looking in on Grayson. He told Maria that Ellie would be back soon and then he left, without even waiting for Ellie... but of course, she followed him out the door, as he must have known she would. If Maria gave a shit that they were heading out to ~be alone together~, there wasn't much she could do about it at the moment... but Ellie got the feeling that she didn't care. That Maria could sense there was something very wrong between them. Anyone probably could have picked that up from the detached, all-business attitude Joel had just exhibited. The conviction in his voice when he'd declared "She won't follow me this time."
Ellie trailed after Joel, the dread knotting up her stomach so much that she thought she might puke for real this time.
"We are an' we ain't," had been his answer to the question of whether or not they were broken up now... that "ain't" was what she had to cling to if she wanted to make it through this.
~Continue to Chapter 42~
Fandom: The Last of Us (first game only)
Characters: Ellie, Joel, Tommy, Maria, OCs
Pairings: Joel/Ellie
Warnings: Underage
Word Count for this chapter: 8,264
Rating (for fic as a whole): R
Author's Note: Chapter title for this 2-parter is from the 1983 movie of the same name
~
Ellie just wanted to scream at him "STOOOOOOOOOP -- YOU'RE RUINING EVERYTHING!" during that whole... adorably rambly, incredibly sweet proposal. But of course, Joel wasn't the one ruining everything -- she was doing that herself. She'd ruined the whole concept of pregnancy for them, and now she was ruining marriage as well.
The funny thing was... she'd gotten exactly what she wanted. Her Big Lie had awoken Joel's heart after he'd put it to sleep (or perhaps it was more appropriate to say he'd knocked it unconscious), and now he was even making the ultimate commitment to her. He'd even reassured her that it didn't matter what happened with the baby -- meaning, if she lost it, he was still committed to her and wanted a future with her. And the proposal was all the more endearing because he was so obviously nervous... why the fuck should he be nervous? Was he afraid she wouldn't she say yes? She loved him with her entire heart and soul -- surely he knew that!
But...
Fuck.
She just couldn't say yes.
It wasn't his fault she had to turn him down. There was nothing more he could have done, and he didn't even have to say half of what he said to win her over -- he didn't have to say anything at all, for fuck's sake! She wanted to say yes so fucking badly. Joel deserved a yes. He definitely did not deserve what she was doing to him.
There were times scattered over the past couple of days when Ellie had felt happy. When she was able to focus on the here and now instead of fretting about the challenges ahead... but most especially when she managed to convince herself that her lie was the truth, and the game didn't even feel like a game. It MIGHT be true, she would reason. He might have gotten me pregnant that last time! She would know in a week or so -- probably less -- when her period either did or did not arrive.
Except... not arriving would not be definitive proof, because there were times she was just naturally late for whatever reason, so it could take even longer. And the more time passed, the tighter the grip her deception held on her heart. That grip seemed to get stronger by the hour... maybe even the minute! In those moments when she was hyper-aware of the reality of what she had done and the horror of what she had yet to do, it squeezed and squeezed until Ellie could barely breathe (...okay, maybe it was her lungs the wretched thing had a grip on, more so than her heart), and she couldn't fathom enduring another day of this torture, let alone a week or more.
And then Joel... fucking proposing?! It was just too much. It was supposed to be the happiest moment of her life, but she couldn't even enjoy it at all. Every fiber of her being started screaming "no!" when she wanted nothing more than to sing "yes yes YESSSS" -- and she hadn't even been thinking about marriage when she'd concocted this scheme! It probably should have occurred to her... but even if it had, she likely would have just dismissively imagined herself saying yes and considered it a bonus. No brainer, right? Pfffffft. If she had had any idea what it was going to feel like to betray Joel to this degree--
I should have known that, too... because she'd had a taste of it in Monterey, when she'd snuck out to the base. It had felt absolutely horrible, deceiving him. Much worse than she'd expected it to. Joel had been completely innocent that time... this time? not so much, due to him leaving her and all... but THIS lie is so much BIGGER... ugh, why am I so stupid? Why don't I just learn my lesson the first fucking time?! -And Joel says I'm a fast learner!
Just... seeing Joel run himself through the gamut of emotions that impending fatherhood had evoked in him, both good and bad... it had broken her. When he tried to put words to them... but especially when he didn't -- when she could tell he was trying to protect her from his fears. To put on a brave front for her, the way he always did. She wanted to tell him not to bother -- don't DO that to yourself -- but of course, she'd had to play along...
Now she had to make herself confess, and end this charade. Forget about ruining the happy prospects of pregnancy and marriage: she had ruined everything. Being with Joel should never feel like torture. She should never feel like she wanted to be away from him... him and his sweet, trusting, doting nature... she almost wished he would be a-- no, she did wish he would be a dick again! Because at least then they would be equals. Two assholes in a fucked-up relationship -- they would each deserve the other.
But no -- he has to go and be NICE. Nice, and surprisingly HAPPY about the baby, and looking forward to a future that's nothing but smoke and mirrors, as they say... all lies. How could I do this to him? What was I thinking?
"What do you mean you can't do this to me?" Joel asked, as if uncannily reading her mind... although she had voiced that one out loud. Probably just moments ago, if time still continued to pass the way it always did and had not, in fact, been slowed down to an agonizing crawl by the immeasurable dread in her stomach. His voice was all gentle and concerned, despite the fact that she'd just wrecked his plans again (with just one little word this time) and stomped all over his heart. He was sitting beside her now, in the passenger seat, as her 'no' had released him from his down-on-one-knee position -- a romantic gesture that Ellie had thought only happened in movies.
She was sitting there behind the wheel, facing forward instead of sideways now. Entertaining a little fantasy of driving out of that barn... into some fairytale sunset where she could just not open her mouth to speak ever again and thus, keep Joel by her side ~forever~. But I can't... I have to tell him... she took a deep breath. Exhaled it slowly. ...And still couldn't seem to make herself do it.
"What is it you think you're doin' to me? Hm?" He reached over and squeezed her shoulder soothingly.
"Stop being so nice to me," she grumbled. "You keep saying you don't deserve me... but I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. And I can't stand it -- that you don't know that -- so I... I have to tell you why. Even if it makes you hate me."
"I could never--"
"Don't say that -- I haven't told you what it is!" she cried.
"Don' matter. There's nothin' you can tell me that would make me hate you... or even jus' stop lovin' you. I promise."
She chuckled bitterly. "You think that only because I haven't told you... this." Quit stalling, Ellie, just... man up and fucking TELL HIM. She forced herself to look at him. Because she deserved to watch the love melt right off of his face. "You know how I... don't always think things through, before I do them? And sometimes... I end up doing really stupid things? I know I told you I was done with that -- ha -- but... I guess I'm not, cuz that's what I did. And I got exactly what I wanted -- even more than I wanted -- but the way I got it was just so... awful... that it sucked all the goodness out of it and I can't feel happy about getting it..."
"You ain't makin' a whole lot of sense here, kiddo. What is this... stupid thing that you think you did? Maybe it ain't as bad as you think."
His not-knowing... his innocence... it fucking killed her. "No, it's bad," she whispered. Fuck... MORE tears?
"Here. Come sit with--"
"No!" She jerked away from him when he tried to pull her closer. "Joel... I'm a ginormous piece of shit. I... don't deserve... to have you be all fucking sweet to me..."
"The hormones are makin' you extra emotional," he reasoned. "But don't put yourself down like that. You're--"
"It's not hormones!" she groaned. He blames EVERYthing on those! (Granted, she was normally quite content to let him blame the fucking hormones.)
"Then what--"
"The whole thing is a lie," she blurted finally. Simple and succinct. "I made it up."
"What whole thing?"
...He still doesn't get it! Had he already forgotten he'd been immediately suspicious of her when she'd first told him she was pregnant?!
Fuck, he's in denial or something... I'm gonna have to actually SAY it... And, coward that she was, she ducked her head so she wouldn't have to see the look on his face after all. She stared at the middle of the steering wheel right in front of her instead. "The baby. There isn't one. There never was one. I'm not pregnant." She paused, to let that sink in and give him a chance to react, but she wasn't surprised when he remained silent. "I mean... as far as I know, I'm not. I was hoping that... it would happen anyway, you know? So I wouldn't have to lie. But every time you're nice to me... I couldn't stand it. I didn't know it would feel like this. So... shitty. But you were gonna leave, and nothing I could say was gonna change your mind, and I remembered you saying... before... that if I ever got pregnant, you wouldn't leave me, so... I just decided..."
Still dead silence from the passenger seat.
"I'm really sorry, Joel. ...Really sorry," she added lamely. "I know that doesn't even begin to... um... make a difference or anything... just..."
She sneaked a glance at him; he wasn't looking at her, so it was safe for the moment. He was staring straight ahead of him, his expression impassive, from what she could see. Processing her confession... no longer in denial... Yep, he hates me now. She involuntarily held her breath as she waited for some kind of acknowledgment from him.
He didn't look at her when he finally spoke, either. "So you... what, just... figured I'd never notice?" His voice was quiet... slow... and devoid of emotion.
"No... I just figured I'd... 'lose the baby' when I got my period, and then..." God, it sounds even shittier when I say it out loud! "I thought you might still stay with me, if I acted sad and everything, you know, like... I dunno. Or I thought maybe if there was enough time for you to be good with us being together again, to like... un-brainwash you... you wouldn't just... Oh! And I thought you'd be relieved, cuz you didn't want the baby anyway, so it would be like... no big deal? But then you were acting like you did want it--"
"You thought it would be... no big deal," he repeated, the words laden with unnatural coldness. "No. Big. Deal. To... lose a child?" He looked at her then... so incredulous was he that she could actually be this much of an idiot that he had to see for himself, she supposed.
She felt the heat rushing to her face. "But it's not a child yet -- not even a baby," she explained, hating how defensive she sounded. "And you said they're not even any fun until they're a few months old... like you don't even care about being with Grayson cuz he's so little and stuff. Er... I mean... not that you don't care about him, or anything, just..." WHY does everything sound so much WORSE after I say it out loud?
"So you thought I would be happy. That you 'lost the baby.' "
"Only like right after I told you I was pregnant -- not after we talked about it more... and then you actually seemed happy about it! About having the baby, I mean. I wasn't expecting that -- you always said you didn't want kids and stuff, you know? So then I was really really really hoping I'd get pregnant and everything would work out the way it--"
"And then you'd never have to tell me the truth. Sure. Of course that's what you wanted."
There was that maddening calm again... only it was different now... it's like MAD calm? Cuz he's PISSED... but he's not yelling... she almost wanted him to yell at her. Crazy as that sounded. Like... then she wouldn't have to hear the bad emotions creeping into his tone. The hurt, the disappointment... they'd be background noise because the anger would take over, and that was just easier to absorb, somehow...
He snorted. "No wonder you wanted to fuck all the time. Once again, it had nothin' to do with me."
OH GOD-- "That's not true! It was nothing like that! I really--"
"Oh no? Nothin' like it? Were you or were you not only wantin' to have sex -- I beg your pardon, to fuck -- as a means to an end?"
She hated that he kept referring to it as fucking! It was so unlike him... it made the whole thing sound nastier. And just now, he'd gone out of his way to make it clear that that was the most appropriate word. "No -- I love you!" she blubbered.
"Tch. You... musta been laughin' your ass off when I told you my theory about all that. I was way off base."
"No! You were right! I wasn't--"
"Stop. Just... stop. I don't wanna hear it."
"But you have to know that I--"
"I don't know... anything... right now," he said, his stifled anger so quiet and cold it sent a shiver up her spine... and then he suddenly slammed the dashboard with so much force Ellie nearly jumped out of her skin.
"Joel--" She instinctively reached for him, but of course he flinched -- her touch would be no comfort to him now.
"Don't," he warned her, fixing her with something strongly resembling a deathglare. "Stay in the car. For once in your life just do what I ask you to."
She nodded dumbly... and didn't even bother reminding him that she did listen to him more often than not. He slid out of his seat, and she hiked her knees up to curl herself into a ball the second he left her sight. She had to turn sideways again to achieve this, thanks to the steering wheel. Silent tears were streaming down her cheeks, but for some reason, they didn't evolve into full-fledged sobs. If ever there was a time to sob, surely this would be it. But she just... sat there, hugging her knees as tightly as she wanted to be hugging Joel right now.
She heard some loud noises coming from the other end of the barn; obviously, Joel was working through some rage that he hadn't expressed while sitting in the jeep. He couldn't hit her, so... fuck, I almost wish that he WOULD! Because she deserved it, yes, but also because he would certainly feel bad about it afterward, and be all apologetic and remorseful, and like... beg her to forgive him -- which she would, of course, because then he'd have to forgive her, too.
Why can't it just be that easy?!
...Because I'm a horrible, wretched person. Even now, when I'm trying to do the right thing -- I'm a total dick because for my own selfish reasons, I just wished for Joel to do something that would make him feel awful.
That wasn't exactly fair, though, that last thing he said... it's not like I NEVER do what he wants! This was... an extreme situation... he'll realize that, right? Oh God, what if he really does hate me? Or if he thinks I don't actually LOVE him or something... with the sex stuff... he won't believe anything I say, ever again! FUUUUUCK why did I have to ruin everything?! Maybe if she had even just... faked it a little better, during the sex. He was going to replay it in his head, and remember how she didn't even want him to touch her... he's gonna think I was just in it for the jizz. Why WOULDN'T he? Because yeah -- I pretty much WAS. The second it was over, I felt super guilty and didn't even let him hold me... well, except when we were in bed, cuz... that would've been REALLY weird, if I didn't... but even then, she knew she hadn't been acting like herself.
The guilt had just been eating her up... she couldn't even enjoy something as basic and wonderful as feeling Joel's arms around her. She had found herself wanting to get away from him, drawing out private 'nature breaks' and 'puking sessions' as long as she could. Sometimes she would cry... other times she would just sit there and zone out, as that practice was the only true reprieve from her own shittiness. From having to pretend. Joel had noticed how she was distancing herself, and he called her on it -- which he really only did if he sensed there was something majorly wrong that needed addressing. But he wasn't expecting something as bad as THIS...
Oh God, pleeeease let him be getting ALL of the anger out of his system right now, and I'll be super good and do whatever he says and I'll MAKE LOVE to him instead of fucking and -- just -- GOD, that horrible last time CANNOT be the last time we have sex! She had heard of bad sex, of course. Understood the concept. She thought the term was reserved for... well, just about anyone else -- not her and Joel! They loved each other, so it could never be bad. Joel had drummed that notion into her head in the beginning of their relationship, when she had kind of stressed out about not doing things right. But this last time... neither one of them had enjoyed it, and now they were both sore...
Shit -- even if Joel does forgive me when he comes back here, I can't PROVE how much I love him, physically, cuz he said he's too, like... I BROKE HIS DICK, basically... she did wonder if he was exaggerating about that in order to give himself a break, because she'd been so pushy and insistent and not taking no for an answer.
But maybe it was just as well. Would she really be able to prove anything, that way?
She thought back to their first time... how tender and sweet Joel had been. How he had vowed to kiss all her freckles plus all the spaces in between. He had made her feel so special, so cherished... she had never done that for him. Not the freckles -- he didn't really have any to speak of -- but she could still kiss every inch of his body, couldn't she? He's said he likes kissing my skin because I'm soft and smooth, and he's... NOT... but so what? I love every inch of him and there's nothing about him that's GROSS or whatever. It would feel good for him, to be kissed like that, I'm sure... even if I have to handcuff him to do it...
Except the handcuffs were probably also relegated to the pile of Things That Are Now Ruined. At least that one wasn't her fault (er, except for not locking the fucking door?!)(...and being so loud...)(...okay so it was her fault) -- and she would gladly never use them again if that somehow un-ruined the other things. Seriously, though -- I would trade ALL of it for Joel to still love me, and forgive me, and just go back to the way things were. No marriage, no baby -- just us being together. Loving each other. Simple and PURE. I don't care what Joel says -- we ARE pure in the way we love each other. It's just so fucking REAL.
Or, it had been, before... she had stained that purity, these past couple of days. Defiled it with her deception.
As wretched as she felt at the moment, though, there was something inside of her that felt... better. Like... even satisfied. She hadn't realized how heavy a burden the lies would be. Lies, plural, because there couldn't be just the one. It wasn't like she could say it one time and be done with it. There was the repetition of it, but also the fact that the first one had spawned another, then another, and they just kept multiplying. She had probably lied to Joel a hundred times in the past forty-eight hours.
But... we lie to the town every day, don't we? Why doesn't THAT feel like this? Ellie felt very little guilt over that one. Probably because she understood why it had to be done -- there was nothing sinister about it -- and, perhaps most importantly, Joel was in on it with her. "You'n'me against the world"... GOD, I hope he meant that...
No, he didn't. That was when he thought we were going to be a FAMILY.
He did seem to have proposed as a means of making Ellie feel more secure... so she would know it wasn't just about the baby. Like he didn't even need to wait and see if she lost it or not before deciding he wanted to marry her. He'd had that like... epiphany about why she was constantly harassing him for sex -- rough sex, at that -- where he was so sure he had it all figured out, and every sweet word was just another stab in Ellie's heart. Because the real reason never would have occurred to him! Basically, he had proposed because he didn't want her to have to worry about losing both of them.
And now I HAVE...
She realized it had gotten quiet in the barn. She listened hard for a few moments... nothing. Slowly, she lifted her head... like she didn't want Joel to catch her looking... or like he was going to jump out at her from somewhere and make her yelp in surprise (how awesome would that be right now?!)... which, of course, he wouldn't. He wouldn't be playing with her like that any time soon. If ever. She scanned the entire place and didn't see him. He was either hiding from her, or he had gone outside. ...Gone and left her.
No, he's not GONE-gone... he wouldn't do that. Not Outside, at least. And not like this, when he knew she was sitting there, waiting for him. When he'd specifically told her to stay put. I deserve it if he does, she tried to tell herself... because wouldn't that make it easier to bear, knowing she'd brought it on herself and therefore had to suffer the consequences of her own stupidity? She'd never really had to pay for any of her mistakes with Joel. With other people -- like back in Boston -- sure. But not with Joel. He'd proven to be the exception to every rule... until now, maybe...
He would probably leave her now -- again. Maybe not right this second, but that's what he was probably planning to do. Her little trick would only serve to sour his memories of her. She had ruined the good ones for him. Made it less likely that he would ever want to come back, too. If she had just let him go off and do his thing the first time, maybe he wouldn't have stayed gone very long, but now... I deserve it... whatever he does, I deserve it...
She ruminated for what felt like a long time... and when Joel finally came back, she was calm. She had moved to the passenger seat to save him the trouble of asking her to scooch over, but she needn't have bothered; he was beckoning her to come to the front of the barn, where they'd dumped their stuff earlier... a long time ago, before he hated me...
"C'mon," he said. "We're walkin' the rest of the way."
..."We"? Ellie hardly dared to hope that that actually meant something. She was too afraid to ask. Too afraid to say or do anything that might upset him. She just took her share of the stuff and started walking with him -- a little bit behind him, actually, because he was walking fast enough that she couldn't keep up without jogging here and there to close the gap. She assumed his Outside brain was at least somewhat engaged right now and he wouldn't want to discuss anything along the way... which was not unusual, but the silence and the distance he kept between them felt decidedly hostile this time. He didn't even glance back at her -- not even once. Ellie tried to use the time to strategize... to come up with some way to make him not hate her... but it was hard for her to move past thoughts of the "what is he thinking right now?" variety -- even though she knew he probably wasn't doing any hardcore thinking at the moment. She just wanted to talk to him, and he was doing his best to make that impossible. She didn't complain. Didn't say a word...
...until the perimeter wall came into view, and she just had to know what the fuck he was planning on doing. "Joel... wait a sec... please? Can you tell me what we're doing? Please," she repeated. Lest she sound demanding or something. She reeeeally didn't want to offend him right now!
At least he stopped walking to address her question. "You're goin' back to Tommy's. I know you said he hates you, but I highly doubt that. I suggest you be nice'n'sweet, like I know you can be, and he'll get over it. If you really don't wanna stay there, you all can work that out amongst yourselves. But I think that's the best place for you right now."
Fuck a duck! This did not sound good at all. Still, there was hope... "What about you? Are you going to... your house?" Guess I can't call it OURS anymore...
"No. I ain't stayin'. Just pickin' up a few things, maybe talk to my brother a little."
Fuck -- he IS planning on leaving again! One of her worst fears was confirmed. He was looking at her now, so she focused her gaze on the ground. She had wanted to talk to him, and now she was talking to him, and yet... all she could do was stare at this little rock by her toe like it was the most fascinating thing she'd ever seen. I don't even know what to say. Everything I wanna say will come out wrong, or make things worse... fuck, is he waiting for me to say something?
Too many moments had passed for a simple "Okay" to sound normal. Should I just start walking? Why is he just standing there?
"Ellie."
Fuckfuckfuck... She glanced up. Just a quick glance to acknowledge him; she didn't dare look him in the eye.
"I don't really know what to tell you right now," he said slowly. "I just need some time. Please don't try to follow me."
She kept her eyes downcast. "I won't, I promise. I know you hate me now, so..." Ugh, why did I say that?! He's gonna think I'm trying to make him say he DOESN'T hate me... and then if he doesn't say that, it's like legit confirmation that he--
"I don't hate you," he replied, putting one of her other fears to rest. "I hate what you did... but like I've told you before, I could never hate you."
She shuffled her feet a little. "Okay... so... you don't hate me, but you don't love me anymore." She nearly choked on those last few words. "Right?"
"Wrong. Of course I love you. No matter what you do... I still love you."
There was no love coming through in his voice when he said it... but why would he lie right now? He MUST mean it... Maybe he wasn't in love with her anymore. Like how he loved Tommy even when he was mad at him -- maybe that was the way he loved her now. Still, love is love... I think? "Then why are you leaving?" she whispered, looking up at him tearfully.
"Because... I just need time."
"Time for what? Like... to think and stuff? I'll leave you alone if you want, I swear." And she meant it! She was just happy to know that he miraculously still loved her. "You don't have to leave."
"...Yes I do. It won't be forever. Might not even be that long."
That sounded more promising! "So you're... not breaking up with me?"
He hesitated.
FUCK! "You are," she corrected herself. "I ruined everything. You don't wanna be with me anymore."
"I didn't say that. I just need time. ...I think you do, too."
"What... time away from you? I will never need that!" Stolen moments of solitude aside (that was different). Ellie knew time apart wouldn't help anything. It would only drive them farther apart!
"You might not see it this way, but it might be what's best for you. I guess this would be what they call... takin' a break."
She was afraid to ask, but... "What does that mean? I'm confused. Are we broken up, or not?" She tried to keep her tone as level as his. Tried not to sound too pathetic and desperate. Not breaking up was probably too much to hope for at this point...
"It means... we are, an' we ain't."
This did not un-confuse her one bit.
"I know that don't help much," he chuckled (he actually CHUCKLED!). "I'm sorry. I've never actually done it before... there's s'posed to be rules, an' whatnot..."
Usually Ellie liked it when Joel told her he'd never done something before, but this definitely wasn't one of his firsts that she wanted any part of. He laughed a little bit just now, though. And he's not all pissed off like he was before. Maybe if I play this right... she would agree to any terms he set forth this time! "Okay. Tell me the rules. I'll do whatever you want," she vowed solemnly.
He frowned. "We prob'ly should talk a little more. Let's go Inside, dump all our shit, an' have a proper conversation." He started walking again before she could reply.
She hurried to catch up to him. "What if Tommy won't let us talk alone?" she fretted.
"Tommy can kiss my ass," he growled.
Which... didn't exactly answer the question. "Okay... but he might try to--"
"I'm bringin' you back -- he's gettin' what he wants. He should be happy enough about that to give us a few minutes."
I need more than a few minutes! "Can we go to our house?" she suggested. "Er... your house?"
"It's still yours, too. Maybe you can live there instead of--"
"No -- I don't wanna stay there without you." Ellie already knew that would be depressing as fuck.
"Good. You're prob'ly better off bein' with Tommy an' Maria anyhow, at least for a while," he said.
"Not better off than I would be with you," she couldn't help clarifying.
"Don' know about that, but I meant better off than bein' by yourself. It don't suit you."
"Well, it doesn't suit me to be apart from you, either."
He sighed. "Ellie--"
"I know -- sorry. I'll shut up now." She even let herself fall a little behind again, to lessen the temptation to keep talking to him.
What she really needed to do instead of annoy him with her blathering was to fucking think. If she could persuade him to go to their house... sit on that lumpy old couch where they'd spent so many hours together -- even before they were a couple. Just hanging out together. The bed was probably not the best idea, since there was now a bad memory associated with it (the last time they'd used it, Tommy had walked in), plus it wasn't like they could have sex with his dick being like... injured?... plus plus she didn't want Joel to think she was just trying to get him alone to seduce him or something.
Not that she'd be above doing that. I've already stooped WAY lower than THAT, obviously, so why the fuck not? But... no, she could imagine that backfiring on her here. Big time. Deceiving Joel, or manipulating him... that was a really shitty way to go about getting what she wanted. Hadn't she just learned that it didn't even work, because as it turned out, she failed at being a completely shitty person who could actually execute the evil plan in its entirety? I'm just going to stick to the plan of doing whatever he tells me to do, and give him no reason to stop loving me. She still couldn't quite believe that he loved her at all, after what she'd done. Maybe it just hasn't sunk in for him yet, and when he's away, he'll realize he really does hate me? Oh God I hope that's not true... that was the problem with words -- just because they were true one minute did not guarantee they would remain true the next. Or, rather, the sentiment behind the words. ...And Joel gets it... that's why he asked me to marry him... GOD I hope he meant it when he said nothing I do can change his feelings--
That was the confusing part. Because clearly, her confession had changed everything. Changed the course of their relationship and made him not want to be around her. How can he say he still loves me if he doesn't want to BE with me?
Just before they reached the west gate, Ellie did risk annoying him by grabbing his arm. "Wait... what about the scanner?" she hissed.
"Won't be a problem. The damn thing's still MIA. No one knows what happened to it."
"Oh yeah, I forgot!" She smiled a little. "You never did tell me what--"
"I said no one knows what happened to it. What makes you think I know?" Totally nonchalant, he was.
"Gee, I dunno... the fact that it happened right after we came back? Right after your first guard shift!" Actually, it was his second, as she recalled, but she kept that to herself. Will he at least correct me on that part, even if he doesn't tell me what he did?
He made another little "tch" noise and then waved up to whoever was manning the gate. ...Or womanning, as it turned out. Ellie wasn't sure she'd ever seen two chicks on the same shift at the same gate like this before.
"Are you two okay?" the one named Billie called down to them. Ellie randomly remembered that she'd been at dinner that first night she and Joel had arrived in town... a million years ago now, yet somehow just barely over one year. Things were so good back then. Ellie had been so good, herself... so much more worthy of Joel than she was now. If I could just do it all over...
"We're fine, thank you," Joel answered politely.
"Everyone's been so worried about you, Ellie!" added the other guard, a middle-aged woman named Ashley. She was an Idaho person, so Ellie didn't know much more about her than that.
"I'm... fine, thanks?" she echoed Joel. The gates started slowly creaking open. She doesn't even know me... maybe that's why she said 'everyone' instead of 'I' or 'we'?
"One of us is supposed to take you to see Maria," Billie told them. "Although she's not answering at the moment. Just Ellie... she didn't say anything about you, Joel, but--"
"That won't be necessary," Joel cut her off. "I'll take Ellie over there myself."
"Uh... I can find my own way, you guys," Ellie grumbled. Not that she didn't want Joel to take her, just... they made it sound like she was a little kid in need of an escort.
Ashley smirked down at her. "Oh honey now I don't know about that! We heard all about what you pulled that day you... escaped. Haha!"
Shit! "You did?" Hopefully they hadn't heard everything... and now Joel was quirking an eyebrow at her curiously, too.
"Uh-huhhh," Ashley replied knowingly -- making Ellie wonder what the fuck she knew. "You're a little troublemaker, you are. Gotta keep an eye on you."
"Glad you found what you were looking for, though!" Billie chirped.
They passed through the gates -- with no threat of being scanned, just as Joel had 'predicted' -- and headed toward Tommy and Maria's house at the center of town. Ellie couldn't help remembering the last time they'd done this exact same thing... how different her mood had been. How it hadn't felt at all like she was marching to her doom like she was now. Is Joel remembering it, too? GOD this sucks... She certainly didn't want to see or talk to anyone right now, so unlike that last homecoming walk to the house, she kept her gaze firmly on the ground. She didn't even watch where she was going. Just blindly followed Joel.
"We could just go home first," she suggested.
He didn't answer, and even though she wasn't paying much attention to where they were, Ellie could tell they weren't going in that direction; they would have veered left by now.
No one tried to stop them or talk to them, and she couldn't help wondering if Joel was doling out "stay away" looks or if maybe they were both just... giving off major "stay away" vibes. Even without interruptions, the silent trek seemed to take twice as long as it should have. Ellie was torn between never wanting to reach their destination and wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible.
When they finally got there, Joel told her to just do her special little knock that she liked to do rather than make Maria come answer the door, if Tommy wasn't there -- and Ellie was thinking he probably wasn't, or he would have come and collected her personally. Although surely, someone could have called him... they hadn't even mentioned him, at the gate... guess we'll find out soon enough! Oh please don't be home and please let Maria be cool...
Ellie was pretty sure Maria didn't hear the knock, because the first thing Ellie heard when she opened the door was Grayson wailing from upstairs. She gave Joel a "what do we do now?" look.
"Hello!" Joel bellowed. "Anyone home? Besides the little guy... obviously..."
It hadn't occurred to her that even Maria might not be here. "Shit... they wouldn't leave him here alone, would they? In the middle of the day? I don't even think Sylvia would have left her munchkins in the--"
"Joel -- Ellie!" Maria came out of Grayson's room, the screaming baby cradled against her shoulder, and Ellie breathed a sigh of relief -- as did Maria when she looked at the two of them. "Hang on..."
Ellie hovered near the bottom of the staircase awkwardly. She didn't put any of her stuff down because Joel hadn't done so -- which she hoped meant he did indeed want to go to their house. Plus, Joel was staying close to the front door, so...
Maria reappeared without the baby, shutting his bedroom door behind her and effectively muffling his cries. "Been trying to get him to go down for his nap for a while now, but as you can see..."
"Want me to try?" Ellie offered without thinking. ....Fuck -- the LAST thing I want is to hold a BABY right now!
But thankfully, Maria waved that off. "He'll be all right for a minute. He's been a little sick," she explained. "Nothing serious. Just running a little bit of a fever."
"Oh shit... are you sure he's okay?" Ellie couldn't tell if Maria was downplaying it for their benefit or not. "Did you take him to the clinic?"
Maria joined Ellie in her awkward hovering near the bottom of the staircase -- and Ellie noticed that she'd made no move to hug her. "Yes, and yes. Got some baby aspirin. Hopefully it does the trick. ...You guys can take a load off... literally..."
"We ain't stayin'," Joel told her. "Just wanted to... check in, for a minute. Ellie will be comin' back, though."
Much to her chagrin, Ellie felt a blush creeping over her face. She stared at her shoes. "If I'm still welcome here," she added to Joel's presumptuous announcement sheepishly.
"Why wouldn't you be?" Maria replied, with much more kindness than Ellie deserved.
Oh, I dunno... cuz I screamed at you that your husband saw me naked when he didn't even, and I tried to make him sound like a total perv? Because I told you I hated you both and I was never coming back? ...Because I even kinda trashed your house a little? She might have voiced those thoughts if Joel wasn't standing right there, but she was too embarrassed to admit to any of that in front of him.
Joel moved a little closer to them. "Whatever went on here that day is my fault," he gallantly claimed, because apparently, break or no break, that was still his thing. "I shouldn't've left the way I did... and I'm sorry about that."
Ellie waited for Maria to jump in and say no, it was all their fault, especially Tommy... but she didn't. Where IS Tommy? "Tommy's not home? I thought I heard a walkie talkie... from somewhere over there..."
"He's not, and that's mine. I've gotten a little lazy about carrying it around... can't clip it on these pants too good." She snapped the elastic on her sweat pants. "They'll just fall right down."
"Oh... I thought maybe you guys were only using one now. Since Tommy's staying home a lot more...?" And Ellie thought she remembered them saying that one of the walkie talkies was 'acting up' anyway....
"He's lookin' for Ellie. Ain't he." Joel said it with such certainty, like he knew it was true, but he couldn't possibly--
"He is," Maria confirmed. "He put together a search party right after you left. ...I take it nobody found you, then. You just decided to come back on your own?"
Ellie couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Why would he do that?" she asked plaintively. "I mean... I get why, I guess, but... why would he personally go? After all that shit I said?"
"It would've been hard to find us," Joel said, completely ignoring all the questions from both her and Maria. "On horseback, I presume?" He paused for Maria to confirm this. "Ain't like I was stickin' to the highway. Ellie only found me 'cause she's got a good memory for places. Places we stayed at before, off the beaten path."
She was glad he omitted the part where she'd actually found him two days ago; she suspected he did it on purpose. Does he feel as guilty as I do that people were out SEARCHING for me while we were just like... fucking practically nonstop? She hadn't really cared when Joel had brought up that possibility before, but now that it was more real, it added another layer to her feeling of overall shittiness.
"I would've taken that into account," he continued, "had I known it would be so damn easy for her to leave here, pretty much right after I did."
Ellie thought he sounded a bit... accusatory? But she had a feeling that if it were Tommy he was addressing, there would be an accompanying deathglare. And perhaps a few harsher words. Joel tended to be less passive aggressive with his brother. Please don't ask me how I got out--
"Joel, I'm really sorry about that," Maria replied. "To my knowledge, no one's figured out how she did it. Tommy went and spoke with all the guards and none of them would admit to letting her out. They searched the whole town -- put everyone on alert -- no one even admitted to seeing her that morning." She turned to Ellie. "Tommy said he even searched that burned-up old house you went to that one time... where you hid from Joel? He was hoping that after you couldn't get out, you were just too stubborn to come home. That eventually you'd calm down... or get hungry or something..."
Remembering that day she ran away from Joel flooded Ellie with fresh shame. And not only had she run away -- she'd found an awesome hiding spot and made sure she wouldn't be found. Yet still Joel almost found her. Probably the only thing that had stopped him from searching every nook and cranny was the horrible condition of the house, that foul burnt odor... like his brain was telling him "why would she hide in THERE?" She could have saved him hours of agonizing searching if she'd just gotten over herself and come out when she heard him calling for her the first time. How the fuck does Joel NOT hate me after everything I've done to him? It might not look like it, but the man was actually a fucking saint.
"He thought about sticking around longer," Maria was saying, "in case it was something like that, and you turned up. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt like you were gone. You were determined to go find Joel and... well, hey, guess you did."
Maria's tone at the end there was just adding salt to the wound that was Ellie's guilt (another dumb old expression: why would anyone rub salt into a wound? But at least that made the thing make sense in that salt would only make matters worse). Plus if we had come back right away, we probably would've run into the searchers and saved everyone at least SOME trouble? Ugh. "I didn't think Tommy would actually leave town to look for me," she said apologetically. "I figured he would be more like... good riddance?"
Joel snorted at that.
"I told him I hated him, Joel," she informed him coolly. "If someone said that to me... along with a bunch of other nasty stuff? ...I sure as fuck wouldn't feel like chasing after them. I guess I thought... I dunno..."
"You weren't thinkin' at all," he replied. "Not about how what you were doin' might affect other people. But... well, neither was I, I s'pose. I should've anticipated that somethin' like this might happen." He looked at Maria. "I'm real sorry about that. We both are. I need to talk to Ellie... without the distractions of bein' Outside..."
You mean cuz we were only a few minutes away from home when this BREAK thing came up?
"...and then I'm leavin'. She won't follow me this time. If you know which direction Tommy went, I'll head that way first... see if I can track him down an' send him home."
"He was in the group going west. He had a hunch that Ellie would look for you on the road to California first." Maria looked at Ellie curiously. "How did you escape? Did someone... cover for you?"
Does she think using the word 'cover' instead of 'lie' will make me rat out my helper? Ellie wondered if the searchers had questioned Max. She figured they probably had, which meant he had lied his ass off. He's such a loyal friend! she thought fondly. But she knew Joel wouldn't see it that way. There was only one way out of this! "I... uh... I just sort of... clicked my heels together three times and said 'There's no place like... ...like Outside!' ...and then I magically grew creepy fairy wings, and I FLEW my ass Out. Yep! That's what I did."
She thought that sounded pretty good! But it didn't earn her so much as a chuckle or an eyeroll from either of them.
Joel wasn't interested in discussing it further, or making small talk, or looking in on Grayson. He told Maria that Ellie would be back soon and then he left, without even waiting for Ellie... but of course, she followed him out the door, as he must have known she would. If Maria gave a shit that they were heading out to ~be alone together~, there wasn't much she could do about it at the moment... but Ellie got the feeling that she didn't care. That Maria could sense there was something very wrong between them. Anyone probably could have picked that up from the detached, all-business attitude Joel had just exhibited. The conviction in his voice when he'd declared "She won't follow me this time."
Ellie trailed after Joel, the dread knotting up her stomach so much that she thought she might puke for real this time.
"We are an' we ain't," had been his answer to the question of whether or not they were broken up now... that "ain't" was what she had to cling to if she wanted to make it through this.
~Continue to Chapter 42~