The Love That Remains - Chapter 13/22
PART THREE - As Long As You Love Me
Jared takes Jensen back to rehab next morning. Jensen had asked him if they would accept him back after he ran away, but Jared told him they would encourage him to finish his program, maybe adding some extra time to his stay. Jensen didn’t argue.
Jared had the best morning of his whole life. Waking up next to Jensen, who was quietly watching him while carding his fingers through his hair, had been like waking up in heaven.
“Aren’t you a creep?” Jared had mumbled in a sleepy voice, a lazy smile on his face.
“Just enjoying the opportunity to take a closer look at your face.” Jensen answers, running his thumb down Jared’s cheek. “When I said you reminded me of someone, I had no idea how right I was. You’re all grown up now but your bright eyes are still the same.”
They had breakfast together, while Jared explained to Jensen what was gonna happen next, and then they got ready to start the day. Jared had loved this small piece of routine, and he hoped they could have that everyday, soon.
They walk to the clinic side by side, not holding hands but close enough, sharing looks and smiles. Jared knows Jensen is nervous, he is as well. It won’t be easy by any means, but he’s got Jensen by his side and that’s all that matters.
Arriving at the clinic, Jared leads Jensen straight to Chris’ office. Chris asks if Jensen is okay and Jared can detect real concern in his voice. Jensen nods and apologizes for running away, promising it won’t happen again. Chris sends Jensen to his room, so he can talk to Jared alone for a moment. When the door closes behind Jensen, Chris motions for Jared to sit, as he himself walks around his desk and sits down on his chair.
“So, Jared. What’s the deal here? What’s going on between you two?”
Jared’s eyes go wide. “How do you know?”
Chris scoffs and leans back on his chair. “Jared, please. I’m not blind, that’s all. I knew something was up for a while now. So please tell me. I promise you won’t be fired or anything, I just need to know if you two are involved.”
Jared presses his lips together. There are a lot of answers to this question and Jared doesn’t even know where to begin.
“It’s complicated, Chris.” Jared replies honestly, with a sigh. “We are not dating or anything. Actually… I don’t know, not officially. The thing is, it’s a long story. I could stay here with you all day long to tell you, but I won’t. That’s between Jensen and me. What I am telling you is that Jensen and I go way back. Years before he mugged me. But I didn’t know he was the same person, we only found out yesterday. He actually ran away because… he got stressed out after finding out about it. And a lot of things have changed between us since yesterday. I know it’s very likely against the rules for a counselor to get involved with a patient, but this is not something random, Chris… I love working here so much, but if I need to choose… I won’t let Jensen go.”
Chris studies him for a second, as Jared stares at a spot on Chris’ desk. “Are you in love with him, Jared?”
“Yes.” Jared doesn’t even hesitate. Chris didn’t know he was gay, it’s the second person Jared admits too that he’s in love with a guy. And he suddenly realizes he’s not as afraid as he used to be. He’s proud of himself for that, Jensen has that effect on him. He feels brave.
Chris nods, slowly. “I see. And from the way he acts around you and looks at you, he feels the same way.” Jared blushes at that. “Well, I totally support you guys, 100%. I can see how you two are good for each other and you’ve helped Jensen a great deal. I won’t make you leave the clinic or anything, just ask you guys to keep what you have outside the walls until Jensen’s stay is over. But you know I can’t let you be responsible for his treatment anymore, Jare. You too got too personal.”
Jared only nods. He knew that was coming and he knows it’s for Jensen’s good. He still gets to hang out with Jensen in their spare time until Jensen is released, so that only means they won’t share the counselor-patient time anymore. It isn’t the end of the world. He is grateful to still have his job.
“I’ll be taking over Jensen’s case until he’s released.” Chris tells Jared. “As you probably know, I’ll be adding a couple weeks to his treatment because of his escape. He has been doing pretty good so far, and knowing he didn’t run because of his addiction makes me kinda relieved. But it’s procedure so he needs to stay longer. I promise I’ll take good care of your boy so he’s good as new when it’s time to leave. Oh, and I meant when I said I want him in my band! That dude’s got quite a voice, I’m impressed.”
Jared chuckles and thanks Chris. When he walks out of the office to get Jensen, he lets out a deep breath, feeling relieved, not only for Chris not judging him, but also for taking over Jensen’s case himself. He knows Jensen is in the best of hands.
The day runs smoothly at the clinic, Chris calls Jensen after Jared and him finish talking, and the three of them talk about the future of Jensen’s program. Jensen agrees to continue his treatment with Chris instead, once the man explains why Jared can’t do it anymore. Chris tells him that if everything goes well, he can be discharged in three weeks, and that they will discuss the programs they have to help the patients find a job and a place to live once they are gone.
Later, they all have a nice Christmas lunch, Jared and Jensen sitting side by side and they try to be as discreet as they can, only stealing a few glances but their knees touch under the table the whole time.
Going home without Jensen hits Jared hard. He knew from the beginning he would have to stay at the clinic, Jensen needs to finish his program, it’s vital for him to do so. But it doesn’t make it any easier, coming back to an empty house after what Jensen and him shared. Jared has the day off tomorrow, especially since he worked on Christmas, but he’ll be damned if he’s gonna spend a whole day without seeing Jensen. He’s already planning on visiting the man in the afternoon.
Jared is particularly dreading entering his room and seeing an empty bed after sharing it with Jensen, but his heart skips a beat when he notices what’s lying on top of it. There is the discarded jersey that Jensen wore to sleep last night. Jared carefully picks it up and brings it closer to his face. When his nose picks up Jensen’s pure scent, his eyes fill with tears. He sits down on the bed and holds the jersey close to his heart. Now he has not only a small piece of Jensen again, he has all of Jensen himself. And Jared is willing to do the impossible to keep him. He cuddles the jersey all night.
Chad comes back home the next morning to find Jared baking muffins. He drops his baggage in the living room and sits down at the kitchen counter.
“Dude, since when did you become Betty Crocker?” Chad asks laughing and Jared only blushes but doesn’t answer him. He had thought he would make some muffins to bring Jensen when he goes visit him later. Sounded like a good idea.
Chad apparently picks up Jared’s mood and his laughter dies. “What’s up, dude?”
Jared puts a batch of muffins in the oven before sitting down across from Chad. “I need to tell you something.”
Chad’s eyes go wide. “Something else? Dude, you’re not planning on becoming a drag queen, are you? Because you’d never find clothes your size.”
Jared chuckles. “Nah, don’t worry about it. It’s just… you’re my best friend, so you should know about it. Remember when I said I found out I might be gay because I met a boy at the camp?” Chad nods, motioning for Jared to keep going. “Well… his name was Jack.”
Chad frowns. “Wasn’t this that older dude with blue hair from your group?”
Jared nods. “Yes. Well.. I’ve told you how I missed him so much and how I suffered because of it. And now… I’ve found him.”
“Oh my God, are you serious?? Where?” Chad leans closer to Jared, excited about the news.
“He’s… at the clinic. It turns out he’s actually Jensen.”
Chad’s chin drops to his chest. “WHAT? He’s the Jensen? The one you kissed?” Jared nods, smiling. Chad shakes his head a few times, blinking as if trying to digest what he just heard. “Dude, how is that even possible?”
“You got me. Destiny, maybe? The thing is, Jensen is Jack and we found out 2 days ago.”
Chad stares at Jared in amazement. “Dude, that’s so insane! What happens now between you two? Is Jensen still at the clinic?”
Jared nods. “Long story short, after we made the connection Jensen freaked out and ran. I found him and brought him here, and we spent the night at the apartment. Before you ask, nothing happened. But yes… we’re together, I guess. And yesterday I took him back to the clinic to finish his treatment. I’m off today but I’ll go see him later, that’s why I’m making the muffins”. Jared shrugs, feeling embarrassed, but Chad reaches out and squeezes Jared’s shoulder.
“I think it’s awesome. And I’m very happy for you, Jaybird, I mean it. As I’ve said, you deserve to find your prince charming, and apparently you and Jensen are meant to be. When is Jensen gonna be released from the clinic? What are you planning to do after he’s out?”
Jared lowers his gaze. “I don’t know. Haven’t thought about it yet, but one thing is for sure, he won’t go back to the streets. I’ll figure something out.”
Chad nods, pensive. “I’m sure it will all work out, Jaybird. You guys will get your happy ending. Now shut up and gimme a muffin.”
During the next week, Jared keeps finding himself spending all his free time with Jensen. They don’t do more than casual touches when nobody is looking, Jared has decided to keep his promise to Chris that he would keep their relationship outside the walls. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Jared itches to touch more, to hold Jensen close, to kiss him like he wants to. And from the way Jensen acts, he knows the feeling is mutual. He still can’t believe he got Jack - or Jensen - back, so it’s pretty damn hard to keep it to himself. He can’t wait for Jensen to be released from the clinic - even that it means they still need to figure out where Jensen will go once he leaves the clinic. But Jared will start worrying about that later.
On New Year’s Eve, Jared’s friends are all going to a party at Fitzsimons, Chad is even taking Sophia since things between them became serious a few weeks back. But Jared is not going, instead he signed himself up to stay at the clinic to help with their New Year celebration. Chris knew from the start what Jared’s real intentions were, but he let that one slide. Jared wants to celebrate his first New Year’s after getting Jensen back, with Jensen himself. It’s only fair, and he’s not giving up on that. He tells his friends the truth, that he’s working on New Year’s Eve, he just leaves out the part where he volunteered to do so. His friends don’t know about Jensen yet and he’s still not quite ready to tell them, only Chad knows what his real intentions are and he’s thankfully keeping really quiet about it.
The party is set up at the garden behind the clinic building, with a large table full of food, beverages and it’s surrounded by small tables for everyone to sit and eat at. There’s music and Chris’ band is playing, everyone is having a good time and it’s a cool night. Jensen keeps close to Jared most of the time, trying to act cool, just a counselor and patient hanging out--nothing out of the ordinary.
In between songs, Chris gets down from the small stage that is set up for them and approaches Jensen.
“Hey dude! So, I saw you singing the other day at our little party and I was wondering if you’d like to sing a song with us. It’d be very simple, just you and me playing the guitar. What do you say?”
Jensen looks taken aback, so he looks at Jared for an opinion. Jared only shrugs and smiles at him.
“I wouldn’t complain… I’d love to hear you singing.”
Jensen looks at the stage and considers it for a moment. “Yeah… guess it wouldn’t hurt, if it’s just you guys. Okay, let’s do it.”
Jared smiles and squeezes Jensen’s hand for support, as he leans closer to his ear. “You’ll be amazing.”
Jensen gives him a small smile back and walks off with Chris to the stage. Chris shows Jensen what apparently is his song book and Jensen chooses something after taking a few moments to look at it. Then, both of them get settled on stools at the front of the stage, Chris with a guitar and Jensen with the mic. Steve announces that Jensen will be singing a song and everyone cheers, Jared being the loudest, whooping and clapping. Jensen seeks Jared’s face among the small crowd, and when he finds it, he visibly relaxes. Jared winks at him and Jensen smiles as Chris starts playing. Jensen brings the mic close to his mouth.
All my life
Been running from a pain in me
A feeling I don't understand
Holding me down
So rain on me
Underwater, all I am
Getting harder, a heavy weight
I carry around
Today
I don't have to fall apart
I don't have to be afraid
I don't have to let the damage consume me
My shadow see through me
Jensen’s eyes are glued to Jared’s while he sings, and Jared has a smile plastered on his face. And if there’s some tears welling up in his eyes, who’s to care but him?
‘Cause fear in itself
Will reel you in and spit you out
Over and over again
Believe in yourself
And you will walk
Now, fear in itself
Will use you up and break you down
Like you were never enough
Yeah, I used to fall, now I get back up
I'm up here
I'm looking at the way down there
And I'm staring through the I don't care
It's staring back at me
The beauty is
I’m learning how to face my beast
Starting now to find some peace
Oh, and set myself free
Jared doesn’t try to hold back his tears anymore, because he feels so proud of Jensen, and if the other time he couldn’t face anyone, this time he holds his head up high and sings with a smile on his face. God, he’s so proud he could scream.
Now, fear, fear in itself
Can use you up and it breaks you down
Like you're never enough
Yeah, I used to fall
Breathe
Ask for more
If you're bitter still
Ask him to help you carry on
Jensen finishes the song and people start clapping, but he has eyes for nobody else, but Jared. He quickly thanks Chris, who’s grinning like a maniac, as if he’s just found the pot of gold at the end of his musical rainbow. Jensen walks off the stage and walks straight to Jared.
“So?” He asks shyly, stopping in front of Jared.
“Amazing.” Jared smiles. His fingers are already itching to touch Jensen, specially after hearing him sing. Midnight is fastly approaching, and Jared is basically done, so he casually drags Jensen away from the party towards their spot at the lake. Both of them come to stand behind their tree, hidden from everyone’s prying eyes.
“Hey there.” Jensen puts an arm around Jared’s waist and presses his other hand against Jared’s face.
“Hey yourself.” Jared smiles back at Jensen as he takes a step closer. “I’ve missed you.”
They hear Chris; voice on the microphone starting the countdown and both of them look up to the sky. It’s a clear night, and the stars are shining bright.
“It’s amazing, isn‘t it?” Jared asks with emotion in his voice. Their eyes meet then and Jensen gives him a knowing smile.
“Remember when I once told you I’d see you again someday?.” Jensen’s eyes are shining when Jared nods, swallowing hard. “I’m glad I was able to keep that promise. Sorry it took me 12 years to fulfill it.”
A tear escapes Jared’s eye and there’s a lump building in his throat when Chris screams ‘Happy New Year!’. Jared leans forward and pushes his lips against Jensen’s, placing a hand behind his neck to keep him as close as possible. Jensen licks Jared’s bottom lip and the younger man opens up for him, deepening their kiss for the first time. They explore each other’s mouths, their tongues dancing around each other, and it’s heated and passionate, both trying to make up for the last few days where they couldn’t go beyond a light touch. It’s the first time Jared’s kissed someone with want in his ribs, it’s the first time there’s meaning behind it, and it’s the biggest moment of Jared’s life. Kissing Jensen feels like being in heaven, and Jared could easily die a happy man right now.
When they finally break apart, Jensen places both hands on Jared’s face, while Jared keeps his hand behind the Jensen’s neck. They stare into each other’s eyes with matching smiles on their faces.
“This is the best New Year of my life. I got you and as long as I have you, I don’t need anything else, ever.” Jared says quietly, his eyes never leaving Jensen’s.
Jensen presses up onto the tip of his toes and places a kiss on Jared’s forehead, bringing him close for a tight hug, whispering in his ear--
“Here’s to us, my boy. Happy New Year.”
With little more than a week left before Jensen is to leave the clinic, Jared is still trying to come up with a plan. Jensen and Chris are working on the job program to help Jensen find something, and they have places the patient can stay at, while they get back on their feet, but Jared knows he wants Jensen close, and Jared can tell Jensen wants that too, even if he doesn’t voice it, maybe in the fear that he’s pushing things.
Jared is at home, nervously waiting for Chad, he thought he would ask his friend if it was okay with him if Jensen moved in with them for a while, until he can figure out a more permanent solution. He’d talked to Danni earlier and learned there was a spot open at the coffee shop and Jared knows that Jim, the owner, has employed ex-addicts from the clinic before, so he talked to the old man and he has agreed to talk to Jensen. Jensen, who is eager himself to get a job and restart his life, so Jared’s sure he will get the job. Now he just needs a place to stay.
Chad arrives, and before Jared can say anything, his friend beats him to it.
“Jaybird, I need to talk to you about something!” He says, sitting down across from Jared on the couch.
“Yeah… kinda me too. But you go first.” Jared answers, frowning.
“Well,” Chad starts, clasping his hands together. “I know you’re struggling to find a solution for when Jensen leaves the clinic, and I have one for you.”
Jared’s eyes widen at that. “Okay, please tell me.”
“Well, you know how Soph and I are totally serious now? Well, the chick who lives with her has to move back home, some family problems--I guess. And she said it would be great if I moved in with her, she just doesn’t want me to leave you… but I guess it would be perfect, because you could bring Jensen to live here with you. I’m sure he will get a job soon, and you can split the bills with him instead. I mean… if you both want it of course. If you don’t, I’ll happily stay here with you!”
Jared stares at Chad open mouthed. He always knew his friend was great, but lately he has been surprising him. “You would seriously do that for me, Chad?”
Chad shrugs. “Well. It’s not like it would be a huge sacrifice to me, I’d benefit from this arrangement as well. But yes, I would Jay. You and your boy deserve to be together and I know things won’t be easy for you guys, so I figured I could at least try to help a little bit. Consider it a delayed Christmas present from your awesomest friend.”
Jared reaches out and squeezes Chad’s shoulder, giving his friend his most sincere smile.
“Thanks, dude.”
Chad smiles back at him. “You’re welcome. Now let’s play your Nintendo while I still live here.”
Jared tells Jensen about the job interview with Jim the next time he sees the man, and Jensen is very grateful, promising to do his best at the interview. Jared can tell Jensen is excited with the prospect of getting an actual job for the first time in a long while. Both of them know the money isn’t great, but it’s a good start for Jensen, so he can begin to stand on his own again.
When Jared brings up the moving arrangements, and how he wants Jensen to come share his apartment with him, Jensen is wary.
“Jay, I… I don’t know if I can do that. It would be too much to ask from you, and I don’t want your roommate to move away because of me, it’s not fair. I’ll figure something out, don’t worry.”
They’re sitting down by the lake, and Jared grabs Jensen’s hand as he looks into his worried eyes. “Don’t you want to go stay with me, Jen?”
Jensen squeezes Jared’s hand. “I do, Jared, please, but…”
“Then come with me, Jensen. Chad was the one who suggested it in the first place, he’s going to live with Sophia so it’s not like he’s missing out on anything. He wanted to give this to us and I want you to be with me. I missed you for more than 12 years, I don’t wanna be away from you anymore. Please come stay with me?”
Jared throws his puppy dog eyes at Jensen, hoping to convince the other man.
Jensen looks down. “You sure you want to live with a drug addict, Jared?”
Jared leans closer to him. “I want to live with Jensen. Your addiction, is just a part of your life and you’re working on getting better, we’ll deal with the hard stuff together. I want all of you, Jen.
Jensen sighs and considers Jared for a while and knows he can’t resist that face. “Fine. I’ll come live with you. But if we end up wanting to kill each other by the end of the first week, it’s all on you!”
Jared nudges Jensen’s shoulder with his own. “Does that mean you’re my boyfriend?”
Jensen gives him a shy smile. “Well, I guess since we’re skipping some steps and moving in together, I need to ask you officially. Do you wanna be my boyfriend?”
Jared stares at Jensen for a while, trying not to embarrass himself by crying again. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and the question I never thought I’d hear. Of course I wanna be your boyfriend.”
Jensen puts an arm around Jared’s shoulders and brings him closer, and Jared has to restrain himself from kissing his boyfriend on the lips. Instead, he takes Jensen’s hand and presses his lips against his knuckles. Everything is gonna be alright.
Jensen is a pile of nerves as he prepares himself, with Jared’s help, for the interview at the coffee shop. Jared bought him brand new clothes as a good luck gift, black slacks and a navy blue button down. Jensen has shaved and styled his hair to look presentable, and now Jared is telling him a bit about the coffee shop. But Jensen is only half listening to it, because he’s so damn nervous. It’s a interview at a coffee shop, but to him it might as well be for a CEO position in a multinational company. The last job Jensen had was when he was living in Tulsa with his aunt, and so much shit has happened to him since then.
Jensen never thought he’d have a second chance, he thought he was already done for. He didn’t have any hope for himself, he assumed someday a mugging would go wrong and he’d be shot, or have an overdose. And that would be it for him. He was fine with it, he couldn’t even see the tunnel let alone the light at the end of it. But then Jared came back into his life and saved him, in a lot more ways than he could have ever imagined.
Jared is his light, it’s him who gives Jensen hope, a reason to fight and a want to live, makes him want to get better and start a new life. And he wants to do it with Jared. It’s not easy, he often craves the drug, he knows he’s not ‘cured’ and probably will never be, but he can be strong, for Jared--for both of them. He was wary when Jared suggested that he should move into his apartment, but the truth is, there’s nothing he wants more. Jared awakened feelings inside of him that he thought were long dead, things he had only felt once, for Jared himself. Life is strange that way.
With Chris’ permission, Jared takes Jensen to the coffee shop, and introduces him to the girl at the counter, Danneel.
“It’s soooo great to finally meet you Jensen! I’ve heard a lot about you.” She says with a smirk. Jared’s eyes widen and he turns deep red, Jensen is sure she doesn’t know about them so he just shrugs and shakes her extended hand. “Nice to meet you, too!”
Danneel calls Jim and an old guy with a beard comes out of the back of the shop. He looks gruff but his eyes are friendly as he greets Jensen. Jim tells Jensen to follow him to the back room, and after a nervous glance at Jared, who gives him an encouraging look, Jensen goes with Jim. There’s a desk and Jim motions for Jensen to sit down across from him. They talk, and Jensen tells Jim about his life, he doesn’t hide from the older man the wrong choices he has made but makes it clear that he wants a chance to start over, and is willing to learn everything he needs to.
“Well,” Jim starts in a husky voice. “I believe people deserve second chances. You made mistakes but you want a fresh start, and it just so happens that I can help you with that. And I think you’ll do great. So, when do you leave the clinic so you can start here?”
Once they’ve left the coffee shop and are out of eyesight, Jared pulls Jensen to him and gives him a bone crushing hug, and Jensen holds him back just as tight.
“I’m so proud of you!” Jared whispers in his ear.
If they stop by for ice cream before heading back to the clinic as a celebration, nobody needs to know.
Almost a week later, Jensen is finally released from the clinic. Chris makes a final evaluation with him, and concludes he’s ready to go. They have a long talk about the future, and Chris tells Jensen to keep attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings and seek professional help if he feels he needs to. Jensen promises to do both. He’s only too anxious to start his new life.
Once Jared’s shift is over, for the first time--Jensen goes with him. He grabs his backpack with his meager belongings, says goodbye to Chris - who tells Jensen he’s gonna hear from him soon - and goes with his boyfriend. They walk side by side the few blocks towards Jared’s apartment, and halfway there Jensen feels Jared’s fingers intertwining with his own, and Jensen gives Jared an encouraging smile. They don’t need to hide anymore, and it feels so liberating.
They arrive at Jared’s door, and Jared unlocks it, bringing Jensen with him into the apartment and turning on the light. Jared makes a motion with his extended arm, showing the living room.
“It’s not much, I know, but…”
“It’s perfect.” Jensen cuts him, placing a soft kiss on Jared’s cheek.
Jared puts his arm around Jensen and brings him closer, kissing his temple.
“Welcome home.”
Chapter 14