i'm reviewing the situation
Tonight I watched a tape of my 8th grade play "fagins boys." it was really oliver twist, and i was fagan. it was funny to watch the tiny nerdy 8th grader that i once was but also quite thrilling to see myself bring a stage to life and to realize that i was quite talented. while i watched i was constantly looking for familiarities in myself that i might see in the 14 year old that i was 5 years ago, i guess as human beings we become a little bit obsessed with the evolution of ourselves, but i couldn't find any. i was thoroughly and completely fagin. i wasnt an insecure gawky awkward 8th grader with crazy hair, scoliosis, and skinny legs. i was fagin. and the 14 year old elena actually convinced present day elena that she was an old theif of a man, this miser on his own journey dealing with his own inward battles. the 14 year old elena convinced me that she was confident enough despite her insecurities brought on by glasses and braces and boys and friends and the turmoil that being 14 was, to show the saint aidans community who fagin was.
sometimes i feel insecure like i did when i was 14. sometimes i'm a little worried that my 14 year old self might come back and sometimes i even wish that awkward phase of my life wasnt a part of me. when i feel insecure about something, i feel like her, unbeautiful. thinking i would never be gorgeous because i was slouchy since my back wasnt super straight. or becuase my hair wasnt thin and flat like every other girls in my class. or that i was too skinny or bony. from time to time i become this girl again and i worry that i'm not beautiful. even though my teeth are straight, my back is straight, my hair has found its place in its own unruly curly unique way, and my body has become curvy and beautiful, sometimes i forget. sometimes i feel like i'll never be a leader or i'll never be the best i can be.
but after watching that girl i once was wow an audience without holding back, i realize i dont give her enough credit. yes she was insecure. she didnt even realize she was a leader. The fact that probably every kid in that production looked up to her and followed her lead was something she didnt even consider. yet there she was strutting around because thats what fagin did. she was a leader and i didnt even know it until now. that 14 year old girl is who i am. as much as the girl i've become is now. and how could i ever want to detatch her from myself? she may have felt down and out but she was strong enough to be fagin. strong enough to sing in front of 100 people even though she wasnt sure she was good enough. strong enough to show people just how creative she could be and just what she could do without feeling insecure. she could do all that.
if she could do all of that, it's time for me to realize just how much she can do now. now that her insecurities about her appearance and friends and boys have gracefully been left behind. i cant even think of all the things she's capable of. she was meant to be a leader and that play was the first step. it took a while, but i'm finally ready to take the second step. i'm ready to be completely me and confident and throw away my old insecurities. i can talk to anyone and be anyone i want. because thats what i did when i was 14. and i've come a long way. so the next time i'm feeling down and out i think i should "review the situation" and remember her. and be proud of her. she was something.
sometimes i feel insecure like i did when i was 14. sometimes i'm a little worried that my 14 year old self might come back and sometimes i even wish that awkward phase of my life wasnt a part of me. when i feel insecure about something, i feel like her, unbeautiful. thinking i would never be gorgeous because i was slouchy since my back wasnt super straight. or becuase my hair wasnt thin and flat like every other girls in my class. or that i was too skinny or bony. from time to time i become this girl again and i worry that i'm not beautiful. even though my teeth are straight, my back is straight, my hair has found its place in its own unruly curly unique way, and my body has become curvy and beautiful, sometimes i forget. sometimes i feel like i'll never be a leader or i'll never be the best i can be.
but after watching that girl i once was wow an audience without holding back, i realize i dont give her enough credit. yes she was insecure. she didnt even realize she was a leader. The fact that probably every kid in that production looked up to her and followed her lead was something she didnt even consider. yet there she was strutting around because thats what fagin did. she was a leader and i didnt even know it until now. that 14 year old girl is who i am. as much as the girl i've become is now. and how could i ever want to detatch her from myself? she may have felt down and out but she was strong enough to be fagin. strong enough to sing in front of 100 people even though she wasnt sure she was good enough. strong enough to show people just how creative she could be and just what she could do without feeling insecure. she could do all that.
if she could do all of that, it's time for me to realize just how much she can do now. now that her insecurities about her appearance and friends and boys have gracefully been left behind. i cant even think of all the things she's capable of. she was meant to be a leader and that play was the first step. it took a while, but i'm finally ready to take the second step. i'm ready to be completely me and confident and throw away my old insecurities. i can talk to anyone and be anyone i want. because thats what i did when i was 14. and i've come a long way. so the next time i'm feeling down and out i think i should "review the situation" and remember her. and be proud of her. she was something.