Wheat from the chaff, folks, wheat from the chaff...no scrubs!
Last night I basically "broke up" with this kid I had been friends with for a little bit. He's in school here, we've known each other for a year or so, but only really started hanging out this past summer.
We're very different people and I was having a hard time making our friendship feel good and worthwhile because of what I would describe as some basic personality flaws on his part. To be blunt, he's kind of a dickhead, really really self-obsessed, super sensitive and snobby. He's always condescending and due to his authoritative way of speaking, I found myself constantly guarded and defensive, ready to take up a viewpoint I didn't necessarily believe just to combat his oppressive way of expressing his opinions.
He came out as trans last spring and started T in October, for what its worth. When we talked about trans issues, which was most of what we talked about, I found our politics to be really, really dimetrically opposed. He was really into making himself a victim a lot due to his trans status, to a degree that I just found absurd and offensive. I guess what I couldn't handle was his sudden desire to be a guy--a man's man who also engaged heavily with queer theory and identity politics--and his hostile resistance to critiques about trans identities or male identities or anything like that. In the past six months, he's effectively pushed those who used to be close to him out of his life in the interest of protecting this really fragile identity he's created for himself.
To explain more, there's something sketchy about his deal...it's hard to say without sounding like I'm making judgements on people's personal decisions about their bodies...but anyone would immediately get sketchy vibes from him. I can't quite put my finger on what it is that weirds people out, but for me I would guess it has something to do with his extreme defensiveness about being trans. It's like he's decided that that is what he is, and it's all he wants to talk about, and nothing will stand in the way of his immediate realization of maleness. Literally any time a friend has expressed any sort of concern about his decision or the way he is progressing with his transition, he cuts them out of his life in a really violent way. To me, it is very transparent that he is holding on very tightly to this idea that he is transsexual and needs to transition post-haste to make himself feel better and anyone who poses a potential "threat" to that identity needs to be silenced so that he can keep all self-doubt at bay. Those close to him who have felt concerned about his complete identity and accompanying personality overhaul get accused of being transphobic assholes who aren't supportive of him and don't understand him.
Re-reading the above paragraph, I feel like it's not coming across accurately. It's a phenomenon that I guess has to be experienced, P's particular engagement with his own identity politics. Reading it, it sounds like any other transguy discovering his own identity and seeking out supportive peers to surround himself with during the process of transition, which of course there's nothing wrong with...but it is quite different with P. I guess all I can say about it is that everyone in his life is collectively concerned and worried about choices he is making and changes he is so rapidly effecting on his body, and my peer group is comprised of mostly queers and transpeople and some fierce-ass, mad educated and openminded allies. It's hard to explain but take my word for it, I am not really any more judgemental or closeminded than the bulk of you out there when it comes down to it, so accept that disclaimer on good faith and don't flame me please.
Anyway, I've found myself holding my tongue around him a lot when he says things that rub me the wrong way. I find myself feeling shitty and my identity invalidated after being subjected to one of his marathon diatribes about his own personal suffering. I find myself telling others that I really don't like his company and his politics and I don't want to be friends with him. I find myself agreeing once more to hang out with him in the hopes that he will show some reciprocity and actually engage in a mutaul discussion about our shared concerns, or that we will just be able to leave trans stuff (and the tension about those issues between us) aside have fun with each other. In fact, I had to make it quite clear to him a few weeks ago that in order to remain amicable, we'd need to stop talking about these issues, and that he'd have to stop monopolizing the conversation and taking the time to listen to other people too.
When I casually chided him about his antisocialness and somewhat annoying and consistant crankiness over the last few months he responds with an accusatory "You try transitioning!"...to me. To me!
In the past, he lectured and talked down to me for two hours in a bar about how I am not accepting enough of variant presentations of masculinity before in one breath confessing that he too has struggled with respecting the male identities of some of our more eccentric (read: dress-wearing and ponytail-sporting) genderqueer friends.
He broke up with his girlfriend of a year because she "couldn't put herself on hold enough" for him during the process of transition. His girlfriend is a fierce femme trans ally who has her own issues to deal with, like working over 30 hours a week while enrolled full-time in a prestigious MFA program. Or, having her partner transition while they're in a long-distance relationship.
It was this last statement and his position on the roles of allies in his life that got us into such a big row last night. I had casually asked how their breakup was faring, and in typical fashion, he launched into a huge self-indulgent rant about his own transition and how she wasn't supportive enough of him and how he needed to be selfish and how he refused to settle for anything less than her complete attention and selfless support. When I told him his expectations and demands were a little absurd and a lot selfish, things started getting fucked up. I had prefaced my response to his unsolicited rant with a gentle reminder that we don't see eye to eye on trans issues, that I was unable to let politics and attitudes which I found to be problematic slip past uncritiqued, and as a friend, it is in my jurisdiction to provide constructive criticism in response to problems that my friends voluntarily present. I guess I hit his raw nerve and my simply put "why can't you take yourself less seriously? not every relationship is a potential minefield of threats to your identity" threw him over the egde. I cited the trail of deserted friendships and burned bridges he's left behind him. We yelled a little bit in which I suggested he check himself into a hospital if he wanted everyone's attention and loving care to always be directed at him and nobody to question him. Perhaps the wrong choice of words for somebody with major, major pathologization issues. He accused me of bringing my own issues into this too much. I said I didn't think defending those whose needs, identities and narratives are frequently subjugated to the transperson's was personalizing the issue. Then we started getting pretty incoherant and swearing at each other.
He stormed out, and I felt an instant sense of relief that his negativity and craziness was out of my life. Once he was gone I sort of realized I didn't even want him in my space anyway.
I couldn't care less whether we remain friends or not, and I think it's in my best interest to avoid his friendship. There was nothing mutual or positive about it, and as one of his formerly close friends (now a "transphobic bitch") put it, he is largely the shell of the loving person he used to be and it is impossible to have a friendship with him that does not revolve around his trans identity.
I feel bad calling this kid crazy, but the general consensus amongst his peers and those who have known him the longest is that he has sort of lost his mind and is dealing with some pretty intense denial and megalomania. It is kind of sad that he's isolated himself from everyone in his life, his family, friends he's had for years, his girlfriend, his new friends. All because they couldn't "understand" him and support him unconditionally. I don't give a shit what he thinks or says about me after this. He's said terrible things about people I know to be superb human beings with no problem supporting my trans identity, so cast aside with all his other "transphobic" friends, I think I'm in good company, and definitely better company than his.