Kingdom of Heaven
Such is the result when I watch an epic movie, especially one where the era approximately matches that of Dagorhir. I not only have a deep desire to fight, I have a deep desire to dedicate my life to the fight. To go, to fight, to win, or to die with honor in a cause worthy of my sacrifice.
Such is the case having finished Kingdom of Heaven. The Crusades, the war for the "holy land," is a fascinating era, and this movie captures so much of it so well. No battle was merely about the land, the resources, or the greed. Always was there something more on the line. Those who fought, did so with not just their bodies and minds, or even just their hearts, but their souls. Each had faith that he was right, and that he was entitled to the spoils by divine decree.
The Followers begins this year. It is only right that I should be watching this movie now. It is only right that I should feel the pull of combat, and the desire for more than simply the swords clashing, the victory or the defeat. Always when I fought with Derek at work, it was merely practice, merely sparring, merely fun. I couldn't get inspired to do more than try a bit harder, because nothing was risked. There was no cause.
The Followers have a cause. With them, I do not fight to win. I fight to train, I fight to encourage, I fight to meet and learn and grow. I fight to hone the warrior within, not for the battles I'll never face with a sword and shield, but for the battles I face daily. I fight to gather and enter a fellowship of warriors where we may all challenge and sharpen each other. To fight without cause is to simply swing, to simply attack...to go through the motions with no real purpose, and no real value. There is no honor in such empty combat. Nothing gained, nothing lost.
Today as I detailed more about the Followers to Uriah, while we worked on the weapons that will be the primary community swords for the chapter, I began to feel a sense of foreboding, of fear. Trepidation. Something is coming that is much bigger than I'd anticipated, and I'm going into it with far less armor than I need. With far fewer resources. I'm stepping onto the field with a damaged sword and a weakened will. And I have no idea the battle that awaits.
I cannot explain how, but I knew this instinctively. And I knew that when the time came, I would still stand. Whether I am armed and protected, or merely a body on the field, I still will be there. I will not back down in the face of opposition, I will not give way to an enemy pressing in around me. I will not shift the fight to others, or try to face it entirely alone.
Am I any better than Saladin, than Richard...than any of those who claimed their cause was His? Claiming that He is behind this battle is either great faith or great foolishness. Heretics dream of their battles, of their victories, of their paths, for decades before taking the plunge into a cause of madness. How am I any different?
How is Jesus any different from Muhammed? What made them both so certain they were instruments of God? How was one right and one wrong?
The truth is, I am protected. Even if I am wrong, I am forgiven. I am righteous, my steps and actions credited to me through my faith, just as Abraham. I finally understand the purpose of those words now; just because we do the wrong thing doesn't mean we are in sin, if we do it from educated faith. I know that what I go out to do has the best of intentions and a focus on God alone. Whatever I accomplish, I do for Him. I don't fucking care if anyone remembers me when this is all done. If the Followers grows to the point I've dreamt, and no one ever mentions me, I will be quite happy with that because this is not about me.
"Still defending yourself? You must, for you're wrong."
No. I am stating the truth to stand on the encouragement it brings.
I go forward with this dream in faith that if He is behind it, it will prosper...and if He is not, it will fall. Either way, what He asks of me is only to go in faith. To do the best I can.
"Where does the misunderstanding come from
Demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement." -Five Iron Frenzy
I am scared. I am weak. And I have few allies around me.
All three of those are changing. I've found an ally in Uriah, and in her courage and strength as well. There are other allies out there, if Jessie's stories about Dag's prevalence in youth ministry teach me anything. And He is with me, even if He is not with this.
...He is with me, even if He is not with this. That is a vital thing to remember.
Such is the case having finished Kingdom of Heaven. The Crusades, the war for the "holy land," is a fascinating era, and this movie captures so much of it so well. No battle was merely about the land, the resources, or the greed. Always was there something more on the line. Those who fought, did so with not just their bodies and minds, or even just their hearts, but their souls. Each had faith that he was right, and that he was entitled to the spoils by divine decree.
The Followers begins this year. It is only right that I should be watching this movie now. It is only right that I should feel the pull of combat, and the desire for more than simply the swords clashing, the victory or the defeat. Always when I fought with Derek at work, it was merely practice, merely sparring, merely fun. I couldn't get inspired to do more than try a bit harder, because nothing was risked. There was no cause.
The Followers have a cause. With them, I do not fight to win. I fight to train, I fight to encourage, I fight to meet and learn and grow. I fight to hone the warrior within, not for the battles I'll never face with a sword and shield, but for the battles I face daily. I fight to gather and enter a fellowship of warriors where we may all challenge and sharpen each other. To fight without cause is to simply swing, to simply attack...to go through the motions with no real purpose, and no real value. There is no honor in such empty combat. Nothing gained, nothing lost.
Today as I detailed more about the Followers to Uriah, while we worked on the weapons that will be the primary community swords for the chapter, I began to feel a sense of foreboding, of fear. Trepidation. Something is coming that is much bigger than I'd anticipated, and I'm going into it with far less armor than I need. With far fewer resources. I'm stepping onto the field with a damaged sword and a weakened will. And I have no idea the battle that awaits.
I cannot explain how, but I knew this instinctively. And I knew that when the time came, I would still stand. Whether I am armed and protected, or merely a body on the field, I still will be there. I will not back down in the face of opposition, I will not give way to an enemy pressing in around me. I will not shift the fight to others, or try to face it entirely alone.
Am I any better than Saladin, than Richard...than any of those who claimed their cause was His? Claiming that He is behind this battle is either great faith or great foolishness. Heretics dream of their battles, of their victories, of their paths, for decades before taking the plunge into a cause of madness. How am I any different?
How is Jesus any different from Muhammed? What made them both so certain they were instruments of God? How was one right and one wrong?
The truth is, I am protected. Even if I am wrong, I am forgiven. I am righteous, my steps and actions credited to me through my faith, just as Abraham. I finally understand the purpose of those words now; just because we do the wrong thing doesn't mean we are in sin, if we do it from educated faith. I know that what I go out to do has the best of intentions and a focus on God alone. Whatever I accomplish, I do for Him. I don't fucking care if anyone remembers me when this is all done. If the Followers grows to the point I've dreamt, and no one ever mentions me, I will be quite happy with that because this is not about me.
"Still defending yourself? You must, for you're wrong."
No. I am stating the truth to stand on the encouragement it brings.
I go forward with this dream in faith that if He is behind it, it will prosper...and if He is not, it will fall. Either way, what He asks of me is only to go in faith. To do the best I can.
"Where does the misunderstanding come from
Demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement." -Five Iron Frenzy
I am scared. I am weak. And I have few allies around me.
All three of those are changing. I've found an ally in Uriah, and in her courage and strength as well. There are other allies out there, if Jessie's stories about Dag's prevalence in youth ministry teach me anything. And He is with me, even if He is not with this.
...He is with me, even if He is not with this. That is a vital thing to remember.