My half-acre?
Ok, so first I wanna say, I know that TV shows aren't real. Anyone who questions this should be shot. Hell, even most reality shows aren't really real.
That said...there are episodes of Scrubs that absolutely kill me. Not because they are hilarious (and many of them are) but because now and then, they capture something that drives me absolutely insane, for one reason or another.
Today's installment is the episode "My Half-Acre," season 5 episode 9 (yes, I know the season and episode, and no, I don't have it memorized, I simply have it written down as the filename for the episode). J.D. is set up on a blind date with a girl that is, in almost every apparent respect, perfect for him. They hit it off and have a great time. They get along really well, and they compliment each other in some really good ways.
About two episodes later, J.D. completely ruins it because he can't get his focus on the good things about her, and away from the bad.
Now, anyone who can't tell why this hits me so hard doesn't really know me, and isn't really in touch with humanity as a whole. Finding that person that fits you so well, that you just click with, and having things work out...it's something any number of people dream of happening at all. And it's a basic human fear that we'll find it and lose it, for one reason or another. In men, I'd be so bold as to assert, it's almost more focused on failing in some way...that we'll mess something up by doing or not doing the thing that ends it all.
Somewhere in my mind, I know that true love is above and beyond our actions. Somewhere in my mind, I know that if someone were to love me with even a small image of the love He has for me, that I'd never have to worry about failing them or losing them due to anything I did.
I also don't understand or fully accept His love, and so any similar expression is somewhat foreign and moderately impossible in my perspective. I don't trust love to be unconditional because I don't have an experience of it.
Ah, experience.
But I think what kills me most about this is to think back and realize that I've had relationships like this...like J.D. and Julie. I think that Jessie and I fit that well. At some point.
What hits me just as much about this episode is knowing how it turns out, not two episodes later...when J.D. finds himself again single, breaking up with Julie for whatever reason. I never completely understood why, but then, J.D. does a lot that doesn't make sense. Knowing that something in him can't get past one or two little hang-ups and see all the good in something. And that, more than anything, is what hurts about these episodes. Because I see so much of myself in J.D. I lose sight of anything good by seeing everything bad.
...I wonder what it is about God that makes me so...stupid. I can see how His advice (I have to call it advice or I'll just fall into anti-legalistic rebellion again, as is so fucking common for me) is geared towards improving my quality of life, and the relationships I have, not just with Him, but with other people. I know that when I'm closer to Him, I'm usually better off...or rather, I usually FEEL better off. And yet, here I am, just hanging out in nothing, as if He's supposed to rescue me again. As if He's the one not doing enough.
As if my current swamp is His fault.
And I refuse to accept responsibility for my life because...
...I...I don't know.
what hope is there for someone who sees how to improve, sees the right thing to do, and for some unknown reason refuses to do it? what hope is there for someone who knows how to better his situation and instead does nothing? what hope is there for someone who is beginning to feel like messing up a step forward is all he's really good at?
I was having a conversation with my folks tonight at dinner about my life and direction. I don't recall exactly what it was we were talking about when dad said something, all in good fun, about "then if you crashed from that you could..." something. And I replied, only half-joking, "Well, crashing is about all I'm good at."
He knew, immediately, how it had sounded. And he apologized. He never meant anything like that, and I know he didn't. I didn't mean to imply that I thought otherwise. But his comment did stir something in me. From theatre, to truck driving, and a handful of things in between, rarely do I start something that i can actually finish. Somewhere along the line, my experience has shown, I'll fail at just about anything I put myself towards. And unfortunately that's the message I get from my relational history...and present...as well. And to think that I'm looking forward at a life of failure, a life without direction, with only a vague image of Him in my mind and some indistinct potential for a her beside me...who the hell wants this anyway??
I've failed at so much in my life, that now I'm sitting here in my parents' house with no real concept of a direction or purpose, deep in debt to a handful of things that keep me floundering, afraid to try anything for fear of more failure and more debt in an economy that can't even give me a shitty job. And short of going back to school (and what would I learn? what would my major be? What point would going back to school have without any passion or even remote interest in getting a degree?) I doubt my eligibility for jobs will be improving anytime.
This is all stuff I never really think about. I never admit exists, because I know that admitting it won't help. Admitting it won't motivate me to change.
It's times like these that I miss driving. As much as I disliked it, I come to realize when I'm offered what I thought I wanted, that it's not at all what I wanted, and merely what I was missing from something that was good. It's not just relationships where I sabotage myself. It's everything. It's only seeing the bad, and being so stupid and selfish and lazy that I never work to improve it, or even to change where I sit so that I can see the good. With trucking, I was at least willing to keep going, to keep trying. To stick with it however long it took, until it was time to move.
Well, now He's moved me, and I...
...I hate Him for it. Because I knew I wasn't strong enough and I was right, and now I'm drowning again. And I blame Him.
God, I hate myself.
That said...there are episodes of Scrubs that absolutely kill me. Not because they are hilarious (and many of them are) but because now and then, they capture something that drives me absolutely insane, for one reason or another.
Today's installment is the episode "My Half-Acre," season 5 episode 9 (yes, I know the season and episode, and no, I don't have it memorized, I simply have it written down as the filename for the episode). J.D. is set up on a blind date with a girl that is, in almost every apparent respect, perfect for him. They hit it off and have a great time. They get along really well, and they compliment each other in some really good ways.
About two episodes later, J.D. completely ruins it because he can't get his focus on the good things about her, and away from the bad.
Now, anyone who can't tell why this hits me so hard doesn't really know me, and isn't really in touch with humanity as a whole. Finding that person that fits you so well, that you just click with, and having things work out...it's something any number of people dream of happening at all. And it's a basic human fear that we'll find it and lose it, for one reason or another. In men, I'd be so bold as to assert, it's almost more focused on failing in some way...that we'll mess something up by doing or not doing the thing that ends it all.
Somewhere in my mind, I know that true love is above and beyond our actions. Somewhere in my mind, I know that if someone were to love me with even a small image of the love He has for me, that I'd never have to worry about failing them or losing them due to anything I did.
I also don't understand or fully accept His love, and so any similar expression is somewhat foreign and moderately impossible in my perspective. I don't trust love to be unconditional because I don't have an experience of it.
Ah, experience.
But I think what kills me most about this is to think back and realize that I've had relationships like this...like J.D. and Julie. I think that Jessie and I fit that well. At some point.
What hits me just as much about this episode is knowing how it turns out, not two episodes later...when J.D. finds himself again single, breaking up with Julie for whatever reason. I never completely understood why, but then, J.D. does a lot that doesn't make sense. Knowing that something in him can't get past one or two little hang-ups and see all the good in something. And that, more than anything, is what hurts about these episodes. Because I see so much of myself in J.D. I lose sight of anything good by seeing everything bad.
...I wonder what it is about God that makes me so...stupid. I can see how His advice (I have to call it advice or I'll just fall into anti-legalistic rebellion again, as is so fucking common for me) is geared towards improving my quality of life, and the relationships I have, not just with Him, but with other people. I know that when I'm closer to Him, I'm usually better off...or rather, I usually FEEL better off. And yet, here I am, just hanging out in nothing, as if He's supposed to rescue me again. As if He's the one not doing enough.
As if my current swamp is His fault.
And I refuse to accept responsibility for my life because...
...I...I don't know.
what hope is there for someone who sees how to improve, sees the right thing to do, and for some unknown reason refuses to do it? what hope is there for someone who knows how to better his situation and instead does nothing? what hope is there for someone who is beginning to feel like messing up a step forward is all he's really good at?
I was having a conversation with my folks tonight at dinner about my life and direction. I don't recall exactly what it was we were talking about when dad said something, all in good fun, about "then if you crashed from that you could..." something. And I replied, only half-joking, "Well, crashing is about all I'm good at."
He knew, immediately, how it had sounded. And he apologized. He never meant anything like that, and I know he didn't. I didn't mean to imply that I thought otherwise. But his comment did stir something in me. From theatre, to truck driving, and a handful of things in between, rarely do I start something that i can actually finish. Somewhere along the line, my experience has shown, I'll fail at just about anything I put myself towards. And unfortunately that's the message I get from my relational history...and present...as well. And to think that I'm looking forward at a life of failure, a life without direction, with only a vague image of Him in my mind and some indistinct potential for a her beside me...who the hell wants this anyway??
I've failed at so much in my life, that now I'm sitting here in my parents' house with no real concept of a direction or purpose, deep in debt to a handful of things that keep me floundering, afraid to try anything for fear of more failure and more debt in an economy that can't even give me a shitty job. And short of going back to school (and what would I learn? what would my major be? What point would going back to school have without any passion or even remote interest in getting a degree?) I doubt my eligibility for jobs will be improving anytime.
This is all stuff I never really think about. I never admit exists, because I know that admitting it won't help. Admitting it won't motivate me to change.
It's times like these that I miss driving. As much as I disliked it, I come to realize when I'm offered what I thought I wanted, that it's not at all what I wanted, and merely what I was missing from something that was good. It's not just relationships where I sabotage myself. It's everything. It's only seeing the bad, and being so stupid and selfish and lazy that I never work to improve it, or even to change where I sit so that I can see the good. With trucking, I was at least willing to keep going, to keep trying. To stick with it however long it took, until it was time to move.
Well, now He's moved me, and I...
...I hate Him for it. Because I knew I wasn't strong enough and I was right, and now I'm drowning again. And I blame Him.
God, I hate myself.