(no subject)
I have a distinct memory of being a child looking out the window of our 4th floor Lima apartment listening to Roxette, the sun going down in the polluted sky. I remember butterflies in my stomach, feeling lots of emotions dreaming of things, like the world was my oyster. I have had many such sessions in my life, when I am overcome with emotion for no specific reason. It has happened a bit recently. I think for a while I had been trying to curve my own enthusiasm, "control myself", be sensible and all that, but lately I am allowing myself to feel as much as I like, and it's good. I thought of Martha Stewart sharing what started her love of gardening as a child: her father, or grandfather, tasking her to pull weeds off the paving stones with the aid of a screwdriver. I was doing the same thing today, sitting on a beach chair listening to music, half sunbathing my pale winter skin, half weeding, and I just felt so strangely elated; full of emotion.
It's Friday night, I found out I passed both my exams (both Bs which I think is OK all things considered), I submitted my assignments, which are very good I reckon (I will be gutted if I don't get As for them), and, it's not kosher to say this, but I am fucking proud of myself. I am turning this ship around, I am getting on top of things, I am living life on my own terms. I said to my friend from my London days (the one I mentioned on the previous post) that I'd felt like one of those parrots whose wings got clipped, that I lived a very good comfortable life where I was, but that I felt like I was missing out on something, that I wanted to maybe fly somewhere. He replied it was the effect of having children, ourselves clipping our own wings. I don't know. I love my kids, sometimes when they crawl into my bed because they still want to sleep with me all the time! and we curl up together, I think it's so lovely and close, and that it'll all be gone one day. I guess we all have different reasons we feel we might be held back. It was never my kids for me, in fact, so much of what I do is to give them a good example (hopefully), so that they aren't afraid of change in the pursuit of their own happiness.
I don't have many friends, family, or a boyfriend. I wouldn't even consider myself introverted, and yet, being all on my own is actually so nice right now. I messaged my friend who is on the same post break-up boat as me, and she replied "I'm so lonely". I don't feel lonely at all! I went to the supermarket even though I already had food in the house because I like it! I listened to music, bought chips and wine, and had an impromptu charcuterie board in lieu of dinner because why not. I have nothing to do this weekend but climb on the roof to clean the gutters, do some gardening, and tidy up. I bought a big pile of books from the op-shop today. I may just read a bit before bed tonight. All this mundane, boring as fuck shit... it's so good! I am so old but I feel again like the world is my oyster
