Dissociative Disorder
This is a copy and paste from my deviantart journal I had a while back- and I hope to just keep it here for myself and others.
Dissociative Disorder [Caused by childhood traumas]
"Most commonly, repetitive childhood physical and/or sexual abuse and other forms of trauma are associated with the development of dissociative disorders (e.g., Putnam, 1985). In the context of chronic, severe childhood trauma, dissociation can be considered adaptive because it reduces the overwhelming distress created by trauma. However, if dissociation continues to be used in adulthood, when the original danger no longer exists, it can be maladaptive. The dissociative adult may automatically disconnect from situations that are perceived as dangerous or threatening, without taking time to determine whether there is any real danger. This leaves the person “spaced out” in many situations in ordinary life, and unable to protect themselves in conditions of real danger."
"More frequently, subtler forms of identity alteration can be observed when a person uses different voice tones, range of language, or facial expressions. These may be associated with a change in the patient’s world view."
"This problem results in part from having had little opportunity to learn to soothe oneself or modulate feelings, due to growing up in an abusive or neglectful family, where parents did not teach these skills. Problems in affect regulation are compounded by the sudden intrusion of traumatic memories and the overwhelming emotions accompanying them"
"Skillful clinical approaches are required to help build confidence in a person’s ability to tolerate their feelings, learn, and grow as a person."
"Selective. The patient can remember some, but not all of the events that took place during a limited period of time. For example, a veteran of D-Day (June 6, 1944) may recall some details, such as eating a meal on the run or taking prisoners, but not others (seeing a close friend hit or losing a commanding officer)."
"To be hypnotically absorbed is to lose track of the background events and be completely absorbed by the foreground (e.g., highway hypnosis, where a person drives by the exit they had taken many times, only to discover they had missed the exit and are further down the road). A person capable of hypnotic absorption may be absorbed in their thoughts while maintaining control of their body (and their driving), but what they are doing is not in their awareness. "
"Approximately 73% of individuals exposed to a traumatic incident will experience dissociative states during the incident or in the hours, days and weeks following.. However, for most people these dissociative experiences will subside on their own within a few weeks after the traumatic incident subsides"
Depersonalization: "Derealization is the sense of the world not being real. Some people say the world looks phony, foggy, far away, or as if seen through a veil."
*********************
.... Yes, that's me.
And.... I guess that the event where I lost my mother because of drug addiction was so traumatic to me, and never went away... The trauma part of having this condition never goes away, it's part of a mentality. If I can try to remember it and pull things from my mind where I was abused, like I did just on the night of Aug. 5th, I nearly had a seizure in emotional pain and severely in tears, so I have a headache now. But just sudden spurs of whatever that trigger remembering causes the trauma, the pain. At most I can remember vague things. I can remember being called 'you little piece of ___' some times... Being called an Effer, maybe slapped in the face. Most of the traumatic events were involving my father being attacked by this drug abuser, nearly killed. Therefore I tried to forget.... And during the most traumatic time, my mind decided "I will try to forget, I will make two split personalities so I can try not to remember". That would be Lugia and Phoenixlugia. And Lugia has this personality of always being sad. It makes a lot of sense- because of this condition I always felt deep emotions- drowning-type emotions and wrapped myself around melancholy. Phoenixlugia is anger, and based on rage and the personality of my mum.
I also had bullies who brought me down. Bullies who told me to 'go jump off a bridge', other bullies who made me feel as if I should hurt myself.
I guess that... Any boyfriend I had, as soon as they got angry at me- I remember the abuse my mother gave from drug addiction, the yelling- screaming, throwing a fit, throwing things- emotional abuse- bringing me down- everything that I handled, an emotional trauma.
And, as soon as someone blocks me online, I remember the distance and lack of communication, and 'loss' of a mother I could call it... Same trauma. Of losing a loved one. My mother was close to me before the bad happened... The longer they stay away, the worse I feel.
As soon as someone threatens me, I remember the same negative things...
Whenever someone says they have to go away, a sudden isolation feel overcomes me. The trauma of feeling of a loss, from my momma.
Whenever someone breaks up with me, it causes me a new trauma on top of the rest- yet, far worse.
Whenever someone says they was to kill them self, I think of not being able to see them ever again. The same trauma. Loss of my mother. But feels the worst. And would cause the worst trauma on myself that is life long.
When I have an online friend, someone who is close... And they have to go away- that loss of touch, communication, contact, relationship... The trauma, again.
Movies traumatize me sometimes. When I see couples fight, or couples cheat on one another, or couples be unfaithful... The same does happen in real life, and causes 'a chance' of a traumatizing event to occur over me. Sometimes I may even become angered or stop talking, or tell people what to do and just go away.
That is why I am afraid of these things... This is why I read whatever book about relationships and do everything my life can provide to stop the trauma and stop the pain I long suffer. Because of a condition, things never go away or heal. That is why I need someone - someone who can help me. And the sad part is, any trauma that affects me- isn't cured. Things just get worse, phobias grow and get only worse than before. My life becomes quite unbearable. I am frightened of becoming miserable, and making my friends sad or scared, or unhappy that I wont ever come back... I empathize to them, I care. And sometimes when someone's gone for a long time, it makes me remember the trauma of a loved on blocking me, and can cause multipersonality from where I split myself into two pieces, and become angry or say hurtful things. People with this aren't often aware of what is going on while they're in one of their other personality forms. Although I've been more in control of this aspect since hypnosis. But fear causes it.
I really hope to make this promise... To never allow myself to ever hurt a human being again- for as long as I live. I made some of the biggest mistakes in my life.
Dissociative Disorder [Caused by childhood traumas]
"Most commonly, repetitive childhood physical and/or sexual abuse and other forms of trauma are associated with the development of dissociative disorders (e.g., Putnam, 1985). In the context of chronic, severe childhood trauma, dissociation can be considered adaptive because it reduces the overwhelming distress created by trauma. However, if dissociation continues to be used in adulthood, when the original danger no longer exists, it can be maladaptive. The dissociative adult may automatically disconnect from situations that are perceived as dangerous or threatening, without taking time to determine whether there is any real danger. This leaves the person “spaced out” in many situations in ordinary life, and unable to protect themselves in conditions of real danger."
"More frequently, subtler forms of identity alteration can be observed when a person uses different voice tones, range of language, or facial expressions. These may be associated with a change in the patient’s world view."
"This problem results in part from having had little opportunity to learn to soothe oneself or modulate feelings, due to growing up in an abusive or neglectful family, where parents did not teach these skills. Problems in affect regulation are compounded by the sudden intrusion of traumatic memories and the overwhelming emotions accompanying them"
"Skillful clinical approaches are required to help build confidence in a person’s ability to tolerate their feelings, learn, and grow as a person."
"Selective. The patient can remember some, but not all of the events that took place during a limited period of time. For example, a veteran of D-Day (June 6, 1944) may recall some details, such as eating a meal on the run or taking prisoners, but not others (seeing a close friend hit or losing a commanding officer)."
"To be hypnotically absorbed is to lose track of the background events and be completely absorbed by the foreground (e.g., highway hypnosis, where a person drives by the exit they had taken many times, only to discover they had missed the exit and are further down the road). A person capable of hypnotic absorption may be absorbed in their thoughts while maintaining control of their body (and their driving), but what they are doing is not in their awareness. "
"Approximately 73% of individuals exposed to a traumatic incident will experience dissociative states during the incident or in the hours, days and weeks following.. However, for most people these dissociative experiences will subside on their own within a few weeks after the traumatic incident subsides"
Depersonalization: "Derealization is the sense of the world not being real. Some people say the world looks phony, foggy, far away, or as if seen through a veil."
*********************
.... Yes, that's me.
And.... I guess that the event where I lost my mother because of drug addiction was so traumatic to me, and never went away... The trauma part of having this condition never goes away, it's part of a mentality. If I can try to remember it and pull things from my mind where I was abused, like I did just on the night of Aug. 5th, I nearly had a seizure in emotional pain and severely in tears, so I have a headache now. But just sudden spurs of whatever that trigger remembering causes the trauma, the pain. At most I can remember vague things. I can remember being called 'you little piece of ___' some times... Being called an Effer, maybe slapped in the face. Most of the traumatic events were involving my father being attacked by this drug abuser, nearly killed. Therefore I tried to forget.... And during the most traumatic time, my mind decided "I will try to forget, I will make two split personalities so I can try not to remember". That would be Lugia and Phoenixlugia. And Lugia has this personality of always being sad. It makes a lot of sense- because of this condition I always felt deep emotions- drowning-type emotions and wrapped myself around melancholy. Phoenixlugia is anger, and based on rage and the personality of my mum.
I also had bullies who brought me down. Bullies who told me to 'go jump off a bridge', other bullies who made me feel as if I should hurt myself.
I guess that... Any boyfriend I had, as soon as they got angry at me- I remember the abuse my mother gave from drug addiction, the yelling- screaming, throwing a fit, throwing things- emotional abuse- bringing me down- everything that I handled, an emotional trauma.
And, as soon as someone blocks me online, I remember the distance and lack of communication, and 'loss' of a mother I could call it... Same trauma. Of losing a loved one. My mother was close to me before the bad happened... The longer they stay away, the worse I feel.
As soon as someone threatens me, I remember the same negative things...
Whenever someone says they have to go away, a sudden isolation feel overcomes me. The trauma of feeling of a loss, from my momma.
Whenever someone breaks up with me, it causes me a new trauma on top of the rest- yet, far worse.
Whenever someone says they was to kill them self, I think of not being able to see them ever again. The same trauma. Loss of my mother. But feels the worst. And would cause the worst trauma on myself that is life long.
When I have an online friend, someone who is close... And they have to go away- that loss of touch, communication, contact, relationship... The trauma, again.
Movies traumatize me sometimes. When I see couples fight, or couples cheat on one another, or couples be unfaithful... The same does happen in real life, and causes 'a chance' of a traumatizing event to occur over me. Sometimes I may even become angered or stop talking, or tell people what to do and just go away.
That is why I am afraid of these things... This is why I read whatever book about relationships and do everything my life can provide to stop the trauma and stop the pain I long suffer. Because of a condition, things never go away or heal. That is why I need someone - someone who can help me. And the sad part is, any trauma that affects me- isn't cured. Things just get worse, phobias grow and get only worse than before. My life becomes quite unbearable. I am frightened of becoming miserable, and making my friends sad or scared, or unhappy that I wont ever come back... I empathize to them, I care. And sometimes when someone's gone for a long time, it makes me remember the trauma of a loved on blocking me, and can cause multipersonality from where I split myself into two pieces, and become angry or say hurtful things. People with this aren't often aware of what is going on while they're in one of their other personality forms. Although I've been more in control of this aspect since hypnosis. But fear causes it.
I really hope to make this promise... To never allow myself to ever hurt a human being again- for as long as I live. I made some of the biggest mistakes in my life.