im doomed
jeff = "why are you crying?"
me = "cuz my life makes me sad"
yea that was last night and i dont know why. well i do but still. we talked on the phone for like an hour and a half and i just kept crying it wouldnt stop. it wouldnt be like constant crying, but tears would just come at such rapid points and a lot and i couldnt stop. so yea i guess you can call that constant crying. i feel like i dont have a purpose here ya know? i dont know who i am, i dont believe in anything, the profession already picked might not be satisfying, and honestly i still really dont know what to do with my life. i kinda wish that i would find a job so i felt like i was doin something here than besides sleeping and reading and drinking and being on the computer. its amazing how much of my life seems like a waste here. literally. im not doing anything. i mean...who am i kidding thinking i was going to be happy in charleston, IL???? i mean the school is really good. the education the school has set up is great. nothing wrong with the educational system. but the atmosphere its really.....ugh its gettin to me let me tell you. i mean....ok....give me one crazy out of this world party where i get completely obliverated out of my mind, but lets face it....i cant fuckin do that all the time. ok its not healthy and it gets really redundant after a long time. its a lot of money and beer makes you gain weight and its just not good. you could be hungover or get horribly sick or make some really bad decisions and its just not worth it to me ALL the time. i know college is suppose to be an experience but im making it my own experience and im completely fine with it. at least only on that decision here. that im not rotting my brain.
i need to be doing something self-worthy. and here im not. i need to be doing something self-serving outside of school. i need to have a fast pace life. when i go home, my schedule is planned a week ahead and town to the tee. everything is jammed pack and i love doing that. its great to have everything scheduled. i dont feel like im experiencing and it sucks. i really need to find myself and think to do something cuz frankly im gettin really depressed here. i dont know where else to go since i dont know what i want to do with my life. i feel like crap. i dont like not knowing. i want to have something solid in my life. well jeff is solid. hes my only solid thing i can lean on but i really need something to lean on for myself, inside myself. i feel like crying all the time. and well i do. every time i talk to jeff and he tells me about home i just start crying. thinking about stuff makes me cry. it just never ends. its cuz im miserable. smoking isnt even helping anymore. alcohol doesnt solve anything. i feel like my friends are far away from me and maybe thats my fault. i miss everyone back home. i miss my bed. i really get the feeling i dont belong here cuz i dont feel right here and i dont know what to do. i cant tell my parents this. cuz i really dont think they are going to transfer me anywhere and i dont know where. so JOY! i just need to do something. i wanna travel. thats what i want to do really badly. i miss chicago.
me = "cuz my life makes me sad"
yea that was last night and i dont know why. well i do but still. we talked on the phone for like an hour and a half and i just kept crying it wouldnt stop. it wouldnt be like constant crying, but tears would just come at such rapid points and a lot and i couldnt stop. so yea i guess you can call that constant crying. i feel like i dont have a purpose here ya know? i dont know who i am, i dont believe in anything, the profession already picked might not be satisfying, and honestly i still really dont know what to do with my life. i kinda wish that i would find a job so i felt like i was doin something here than besides sleeping and reading and drinking and being on the computer. its amazing how much of my life seems like a waste here. literally. im not doing anything. i mean...who am i kidding thinking i was going to be happy in charleston, IL???? i mean the school is really good. the education the school has set up is great. nothing wrong with the educational system. but the atmosphere its really.....ugh its gettin to me let me tell you. i mean....ok....give me one crazy out of this world party where i get completely obliverated out of my mind, but lets face it....i cant fuckin do that all the time. ok its not healthy and it gets really redundant after a long time. its a lot of money and beer makes you gain weight and its just not good. you could be hungover or get horribly sick or make some really bad decisions and its just not worth it to me ALL the time. i know college is suppose to be an experience but im making it my own experience and im completely fine with it. at least only on that decision here. that im not rotting my brain.
i need to be doing something self-worthy. and here im not. i need to be doing something self-serving outside of school. i need to have a fast pace life. when i go home, my schedule is planned a week ahead and town to the tee. everything is jammed pack and i love doing that. its great to have everything scheduled. i dont feel like im experiencing and it sucks. i really need to find myself and think to do something cuz frankly im gettin really depressed here. i dont know where else to go since i dont know what i want to do with my life. i feel like crap. i dont like not knowing. i want to have something solid in my life. well jeff is solid. hes my only solid thing i can lean on but i really need something to lean on for myself, inside myself. i feel like crying all the time. and well i do. every time i talk to jeff and he tells me about home i just start crying. thinking about stuff makes me cry. it just never ends. its cuz im miserable. smoking isnt even helping anymore. alcohol doesnt solve anything. i feel like my friends are far away from me and maybe thats my fault. i miss everyone back home. i miss my bed. i really get the feeling i dont belong here cuz i dont feel right here and i dont know what to do. i cant tell my parents this. cuz i really dont think they are going to transfer me anywhere and i dont know where. so JOY! i just need to do something. i wanna travel. thats what i want to do really badly. i miss chicago.