some revealtions, i supose
first up the wedding:
the wedding was great!! i had a blast! apparently i was the life of the reception! lol. but anyways. alot of people thought i was goin to hook-up with adam. which may have happened if i wasnt living back at my parents and if he wasnt living back with his parents. or atleast he said if he wasnt living at his parents itd happen or to that effect. but it didnt happen. but whatever. i figured it wudnt b\c there was a lot of people at the end of the recption talking about it in a public way which always means it wont happen. or atleast thats my track record. whenever alot of people publicly try to hook me up with someone it doesnt work, only works if its not a public project. lol. again whatever. guess im almost a lil dissappointed it didnt happen b\c its really the last time i cud have a one-niter b4 basic begins.
work:
both my bosses know i am joining the army. i am pumped and my boss at the mall (catherine) is pumped and excited for me. she was an army brat and her sister had worked for the army for 25yrs and is now retired and working for them on the civilian side. so far i knnow my last available working day for either of em is oct 3rd.
army:
my enrollent\swear in ceremony is tomorrow. they called me this past friday to confirm who and how many i wud be bringing i tried a number of times to say no one but they insisted so i said one and they also called to inform tha the date has changed from monday th 21st to thurs the 24th. which is fine. on monday they called again to say the time has also been changed to noon instead of 9am. lol. i am almost they havent called again to make some other change. so as far as i know basic is still scheduled for oct5 in st. jean, qc and ends jan 29. so if u count the weeks between the dates its more then the expected 13-14wks so who knows maybe i'll actually get a xmas vacay but i wont bank on it and even if i do get it off, maybe i'll just stay up there. i should have some definites on basic tomorrow tho.
goin away festivies:
my boss catherine is planning a lil goin away\staff party. dunno when it will be or any of the details but shes cookin up something. lol i even tentatively asked kim for her couch for the nite it happens and she said yes, no prob.
im not surprised my friends arent really even thinkin of any goin away festities, well i guess i kinda am in one sense but in practicality i am not. 1)i am usually the planner or have to push to get things off the ground or atleast thats what i feel. i have to sometimes get it started or come on board to get it to hold together in some sort of way. shrugs* dont mind really only when it comes to something for me. like my birthday i dont wanna plan it or think it out or even really lift much of anything for it (im also not a birthdya person either tho). so i am not intiating anything for this either. the only reason i set a hortins date wif amy is b\c i miscalculated when her departure and return from disney is\was. i thought she'd just be gettin in on the day i was leavin so i made a point to get together wif her b4 our 2 departures but i was wrong. she comes home a week b4 i leave. i wanted to atleast wish her a have a great trip so thats why i did that. 2) life is busy. amy had a trip to disney to go on. janice has 3kids and financial concerns, also is very forgetful. so yeah she has a lot on yer plate but she cud pick up the phone or send an email but i give her thos excuses and dont sweat it but startin to think maybe i shold. kim, well she just got married and apparently feels pressure to get preggers b\c it will please all the family and her and chris do want to have kids as well but from one of her posts it seems like her hearing it from everyone wether its a joke or just teasin shes takin it too seriously. she has to realize its not something u really plan, theres no formula and no way to really tell when u are or when u will get preggers. shes been kinda paranoid about it for a lil while now that when she wants or craves something specific shes goes to thes assumption quick. it think she should just relax and get it out of mind for a while so if its goin to happen it just will. 3)maybe the relatity hasnt hit my friends yet. hope this is not the case. also hope theyre not in denial about how me being in the army will actually change our relationships ALOT. like i will have a contract for 4yrs (to start at least) and while in the field (basic, field exercise, etc) i wont be able to be in any line of communication with them. and time off is never really gaurenteed. so possibly no more xmas's, or birthdays, or new years or pub crawls together. ever. who knows. i am being practical and perfectly honest that it cud happen or maybe it wont but theres always that possiblity. theres also a good possibility of me serving over seas (prooly in the 4yr contract that i sign tomorrow but maybe not) and it cud be a war zone. i am perfectly ok and not worried about this. we're all goin to die eventually. i just prefer to do it doin something. in all of my speculation i dont know and dont really care, i am just certain i am not initiating anything with anybody. if they call me sure i'll go and do what they want but im not calling first. i am tired of it. i feel like i am constantly reaching out and they dont reach back and i always give them their list of excuses so i am just not gonna reach out on this one. they can. now dont get me wrong, i am not mad or vindictive or anything about them, i am definitely not writing them off either, they are always gonna be my friends, i just feel like since i moved back from ab its been me jumpin thru hoops trying to get together with them and i am tired of it at the moment.
basic is loomin. i am excited for it. i want it to work out sooooo much its scary. i am alil concerned about week1. if i can hack it mostly. all i have said this about have told me i shouldnt have a problem and not to worry about it. but things dont usually work in my favour and they cud be wrong so i am concerned about it. after week1 i know i am fine. i am not in the least bit worried about the rest of basic or soldiers qualifications or the driving coarse or my trade training. just week1. i am viewing it as my do or die week. i really want this to work out. i kinda need it to. finiacially and spiritually. i hate living at my parents!!! hate it!! i also feel alil bit down, like i am stuck in a rut and time keeps passing but i am not changing but everything around me is. like life is passing me by. this cud be the change i need and want.
i was called a player at kims wedding and i agreed. not a player like the immediate image that comes to mind but the fact that i havent really had a relationship just a series of flings. flings which the whole time i knew were goin to lead nowhere. i dont mind it mostly but..... i am comfy with them. they have been emjoyable and when its run it course it over amicabley adn thats it.
so its fine for me but lately its been making me feel alone. entirely. which at times kills. i know i am missing out on some things not being in a realtionship, i dont envy or am jealous of my friends, i am glad they have that someone and i am not saying pity me either, its just my reality. people say you'll meet someone when the time is right or the good ole everyone has their soulmate, etc...but everyone also thought the world was flat. so maybe i will be alone forever, i can deal most times but sometimes it will hurt like lemon juice in a papercut.
it also makes me realize that the decision to have a child may never be asked b\c i am alone. its one thing for me to be honest to say i dont know if i wanna have kids but hurts that i may never have that option. yes i cud adopt, at some point or even if i cud afford articfical insemination but both those options i cannot afford at this point so considering them is not even on the table.
i think i am more mourning the loss of never having that discussion with someone. the one that couples have b\c i am a solo. it does hurt to know and feel like i will no have children b\c i am alone and not b\c of a mutual decision or say medically not being able to. maybe thats why i stay firm to being undecided on the children thing b\c my reality is being alone.
i feel lately the my friends are slipping away and i am the only one noticing. maybe i am stuck in a rut and their wheels are actually turning and mine are stuck. thats what it seems like to me. maybe they are just preping for when i go to basic and a possible army career.
enough said, for now. gottta go to bed, for tomorrow i sign my life over to the army and i am happy and excited to do so.
the wedding was great!! i had a blast! apparently i was the life of the reception! lol. but anyways. alot of people thought i was goin to hook-up with adam. which may have happened if i wasnt living back at my parents and if he wasnt living back with his parents. or atleast he said if he wasnt living at his parents itd happen or to that effect. but it didnt happen. but whatever. i figured it wudnt b\c there was a lot of people at the end of the recption talking about it in a public way which always means it wont happen. or atleast thats my track record. whenever alot of people publicly try to hook me up with someone it doesnt work, only works if its not a public project. lol. again whatever. guess im almost a lil dissappointed it didnt happen b\c its really the last time i cud have a one-niter b4 basic begins.
work:
both my bosses know i am joining the army. i am pumped and my boss at the mall (catherine) is pumped and excited for me. she was an army brat and her sister had worked for the army for 25yrs and is now retired and working for them on the civilian side. so far i knnow my last available working day for either of em is oct 3rd.
army:
my enrollent\swear in ceremony is tomorrow. they called me this past friday to confirm who and how many i wud be bringing i tried a number of times to say no one but they insisted so i said one and they also called to inform tha the date has changed from monday th 21st to thurs the 24th. which is fine. on monday they called again to say the time has also been changed to noon instead of 9am. lol. i am almost they havent called again to make some other change. so as far as i know basic is still scheduled for oct5 in st. jean, qc and ends jan 29. so if u count the weeks between the dates its more then the expected 13-14wks so who knows maybe i'll actually get a xmas vacay but i wont bank on it and even if i do get it off, maybe i'll just stay up there. i should have some definites on basic tomorrow tho.
goin away festivies:
my boss catherine is planning a lil goin away\staff party. dunno when it will be or any of the details but shes cookin up something. lol i even tentatively asked kim for her couch for the nite it happens and she said yes, no prob.
im not surprised my friends arent really even thinkin of any goin away festities, well i guess i kinda am in one sense but in practicality i am not. 1)i am usually the planner or have to push to get things off the ground or atleast thats what i feel. i have to sometimes get it started or come on board to get it to hold together in some sort of way. shrugs* dont mind really only when it comes to something for me. like my birthday i dont wanna plan it or think it out or even really lift much of anything for it (im also not a birthdya person either tho). so i am not intiating anything for this either. the only reason i set a hortins date wif amy is b\c i miscalculated when her departure and return from disney is\was. i thought she'd just be gettin in on the day i was leavin so i made a point to get together wif her b4 our 2 departures but i was wrong. she comes home a week b4 i leave. i wanted to atleast wish her a have a great trip so thats why i did that. 2) life is busy. amy had a trip to disney to go on. janice has 3kids and financial concerns, also is very forgetful. so yeah she has a lot on yer plate but she cud pick up the phone or send an email but i give her thos excuses and dont sweat it but startin to think maybe i shold. kim, well she just got married and apparently feels pressure to get preggers b\c it will please all the family and her and chris do want to have kids as well but from one of her posts it seems like her hearing it from everyone wether its a joke or just teasin shes takin it too seriously. she has to realize its not something u really plan, theres no formula and no way to really tell when u are or when u will get preggers. shes been kinda paranoid about it for a lil while now that when she wants or craves something specific shes goes to thes assumption quick. it think she should just relax and get it out of mind for a while so if its goin to happen it just will. 3)maybe the relatity hasnt hit my friends yet. hope this is not the case. also hope theyre not in denial about how me being in the army will actually change our relationships ALOT. like i will have a contract for 4yrs (to start at least) and while in the field (basic, field exercise, etc) i wont be able to be in any line of communication with them. and time off is never really gaurenteed. so possibly no more xmas's, or birthdays, or new years or pub crawls together. ever. who knows. i am being practical and perfectly honest that it cud happen or maybe it wont but theres always that possiblity. theres also a good possibility of me serving over seas (prooly in the 4yr contract that i sign tomorrow but maybe not) and it cud be a war zone. i am perfectly ok and not worried about this. we're all goin to die eventually. i just prefer to do it doin something. in all of my speculation i dont know and dont really care, i am just certain i am not initiating anything with anybody. if they call me sure i'll go and do what they want but im not calling first. i am tired of it. i feel like i am constantly reaching out and they dont reach back and i always give them their list of excuses so i am just not gonna reach out on this one. they can. now dont get me wrong, i am not mad or vindictive or anything about them, i am definitely not writing them off either, they are always gonna be my friends, i just feel like since i moved back from ab its been me jumpin thru hoops trying to get together with them and i am tired of it at the moment.
basic is loomin. i am excited for it. i want it to work out sooooo much its scary. i am alil concerned about week1. if i can hack it mostly. all i have said this about have told me i shouldnt have a problem and not to worry about it. but things dont usually work in my favour and they cud be wrong so i am concerned about it. after week1 i know i am fine. i am not in the least bit worried about the rest of basic or soldiers qualifications or the driving coarse or my trade training. just week1. i am viewing it as my do or die week. i really want this to work out. i kinda need it to. finiacially and spiritually. i hate living at my parents!!! hate it!! i also feel alil bit down, like i am stuck in a rut and time keeps passing but i am not changing but everything around me is. like life is passing me by. this cud be the change i need and want.
i was called a player at kims wedding and i agreed. not a player like the immediate image that comes to mind but the fact that i havent really had a relationship just a series of flings. flings which the whole time i knew were goin to lead nowhere. i dont mind it mostly but..... i am comfy with them. they have been emjoyable and when its run it course it over amicabley adn thats it.
so its fine for me but lately its been making me feel alone. entirely. which at times kills. i know i am missing out on some things not being in a realtionship, i dont envy or am jealous of my friends, i am glad they have that someone and i am not saying pity me either, its just my reality. people say you'll meet someone when the time is right or the good ole everyone has their soulmate, etc...but everyone also thought the world was flat. so maybe i will be alone forever, i can deal most times but sometimes it will hurt like lemon juice in a papercut.
it also makes me realize that the decision to have a child may never be asked b\c i am alone. its one thing for me to be honest to say i dont know if i wanna have kids but hurts that i may never have that option. yes i cud adopt, at some point or even if i cud afford articfical insemination but both those options i cannot afford at this point so considering them is not even on the table.
i think i am more mourning the loss of never having that discussion with someone. the one that couples have b\c i am a solo. it does hurt to know and feel like i will no have children b\c i am alone and not b\c of a mutual decision or say medically not being able to. maybe thats why i stay firm to being undecided on the children thing b\c my reality is being alone.
i feel lately the my friends are slipping away and i am the only one noticing. maybe i am stuck in a rut and their wheels are actually turning and mine are stuck. thats what it seems like to me. maybe they are just preping for when i go to basic and a possible army career.
enough said, for now. gottta go to bed, for tomorrow i sign my life over to the army and i am happy and excited to do so.