NOT FUNNY ENOUGH FOR A CERTAIN HUMOR PUBLICATION THEATRE presents:

[ludickid]

The Official State Vices

Alabama: yelling “ROLL TIDE”!
Alaska: bear-baiting
Arizona: making convicts wear pink underwear
Arkansas: pig-fucking
California: weed
Colorado: fundamentalist Christianity
Connecticut: overuse of SportsCenter catchphrases

Comments

[lester22]

OK, I need to know what "ether frolics" means before I can lambaste you for making fun of my home state.

WATCH THIS JOKE DIE AS I AM FORCED TO EXPLAIN IT

[ludickid]

See, Rhode Island, it's kinda boring. See. Not incredibly exciting. It's just a very small New England state. And I thought, well, their vice would probably not be anything modern and sexy like ecstasy or mainlining the blood of Mexican fetuses, but something kinda old-fashined and square, like, I dunno, ether frolics. Which were these things popular in the mid-1800s where people would huff ether and dance around like spastics. (It was in this way, incidentally, that anaesthesia was invented.) It's just this incredibly obscure, old-timey amusement, like submarine races or bare-knuckles boxing. AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT AND HERE'S THE PROOF.

Re: WATCH THIS JOKE DIE AS I AM FORCED TO EXPLAIN IT

[lester22]

Hmph. Rhode Island is not boring. It's at least more exciting than the whole of the midwest...but I digress.

Ether. I had some experience with that. That was in New Jersey, however, which is, in fact, the worst state on the eastern seaboard, and would indeed drive people to huff ether.

Yeah, Chicago and Minneapolis have nothing on Woonsocket and Tiverton

[ludickid]

It's at least more exciting than the whole of the midwest...

That was in New Jersey, however, which is, in fact, the worst state on the eastern seaboard

After I'm done killing you, a lot of my friends list is gonna want a crack at it.

Re: Yeah, Chicago and Minneapolis have nothing on Woonsocket and Tiverton

[lester22]

Woonsocket, I concede. Tiverton, while not particularly exciting, is at least very quaint and pretty. Have you ever actually been to Rhode Island (outside of Providence, which is a damn fine city)?

Are you really gonna defend New Jersey? Believe me, it is awful. The axilla of the nation.

The fun never stops in Central Falls

[ludickid]

I have never been to Rhode Island, no. But then, I have been to Chicago (whose population is five times that of the entire state of RI), and it is an interesting, dynamic, exciting city. Its existence, I think, might stand as a rebuke to someone claiming that Ol' Rhodie was "more exciting than the whole of the Midwest".

I have never been to New Jersey, either, but I have many friends who either live there or are from there, and they seem to think it pretty fine. I'll leave it to them to argue the point.

Re: The fun never stops in Central Falls

[lester22]

In my initial comment, I had actually meant to exclude Chicago from my blanket statement about the midwest. I am genuinely fond of Chicago. I have never been to Mpls, but I can't imagine that a place in which the major attractions are the "Mall of America" and a giant inflated bag called the HHH Metrodome is all that exciting, compared to, say Providence, where only two night ago we lit the rivers on fire again.

And in the interest of accuracy, it's "Little Rhody."

And I do stand by my statement about New Jersey. I lived there for four years; I drove around a lot. It's pretty nasty. Let's put it this way: the charming parts are outweighed by the awful parts in the same way that John Wayne Gacy's artistic ability was outweighed by his penchant for kidnapping, raping and brutally murdering small boys.