Neither These Tears In My Eyes Or The Blood On My Throat Can Account For What You've Done
Today has been utterly unpreductive... I was up till 5 am then FINALLY I fell asleep and didnt wake up till around 12 ... i ate something talked to Josh breifly (online) and then layed around and watched TV all day because he just randomly left and when i called him to ask if I could come over his father said he had gone to the mall ... so yeah ... i had a project I was supposed to be doing today with Rachel but she never called me and i tried to call her once and got nothing so Im pretty fucked except Amera just called and said I should meet with her group at 7 and I could work on it with them ... I hope Mr. Young doesnt get pissed, I hope he lets me do it ... oh well Im feeling pretty sick so Ill probably just stay home from school tomorrow ... on another note ... I have been sensing this complete lack of eloquence in my writing lately , and by lately i dont mean the last few weeks , I mean in the last year ... I used to write so beautifully or so I thought , even if no one else liked it I did but now I dont even like it... I want to get back to where I was when I could sit and close my eyes and a million incredible thoughts would just come to me and i could write for hours without stoping and Id sometimes show my friends and theyd say wow , or when Id talk to people they'd tell me i have such an amazing vocabulary and that they loved talking to me because i was so intrguiging and my thoughts were so unique... someone once told me I had the funnest conversations and it made me happy and I remember sitting in the park with Adam last winter and I was trying to help him with some girl trouble he was having and he told me I had such a rad vocabulary and that i was so beautiful on the inside and i wanted to hold him for hours and he didnt even know that the entire time we were friends the guy i was pouring my hear out about was him... I hope he knows that now and he remember how much he used to like our conversations and i hope he smiles and doesnt think it weird that all of those things i shared with him were all about him... Im not so sure thats how he'd react though because last i heard he told david i annoyed hima dn he hated it when i called him which isnt how he acted towards me ... it hurt me so bad when david told me what adam said btu i belw it off and tried to be admas friend anyway ... i guess you could say Ive given up now ... not just on Adam but on David and Bob and Aaron and Jason and oh my all of them ... every single one of them that i met and cared about ... I cared about all of you so much you dont evcen know ... but you made me write the most beautiful sonnets and I wish I had that back ... I wish I had some form of escape back... I wish I had someone to go sit in the park with me on that hill in adams neighborhood and theyd talkt o me for hours and we'd smoke ... Id like that ... Um I wish Josh didnt live so far away and I wish he thought about things like I do ... Maybe he does and I just dont know it ... but I sure wish he'd let me see that said of him ... casue Im nto happy ... Im definately not content with accetping life just how it is ...a nd Im not ready to just give up my convictions because I love josh ... he hasnt asked me too but I feel liek I am losing myself ... and so I guess what im trying to say is I need him to support me ... when i feel strongly about something ... I hope he does ... I think he will ... if he loves me ... he will ... I dont feel liek Ive shown him all I cna be yet .. and im afraid that he wont liek it .. Im afraid he'll find me weird ... I guess we'll see though ... I hope things turn out okay ... and i hope my writing gets better i really really do