Ugggg I hate not knowing how I feel

[lucyintherye]

Wow I really need to start feeling better.I wish I knew how to fix whatevers wrong with me. I'm beginning to think its probably just hormones and it'll go away in a few days. God I hope its that. I just want to be happy. I thought I had come to the conclusion that being alone would make me happy because I dont like monogamy but now I'm confused as hell.I cant wait till the Humane Society show, I think Ill feel better when its over and everything goes great just like I know it wont.Seeing a certian someone is going to be kind of weird and it doesnt have to be but I know he'll make it weird because he's weird and I hate him for not being about to communicate and I hate me for not being able to talk to him like I can almost EVERYONE else. Its good that we arent together and that we wont be. I've decided that, but I still like the ideal of the majorly fucked up relationship we could have had. But I know its time to forget that and stop focusing on making my life incredibly horrible. For a while now the more fucked up and demented a person was and the more they could make my life fucked up and demented the more I wanted them. Man now I just want someone to have fun with, to listen to music with to go to shows with and I want someone mature like me who can talk to me seriously and then we can laugh our asses off. I need someone who doesnt get upset when I freak out over the new Bright Eyes cd and then listen to it with me for a week straight and love just having togetherness be enough.God I just want someone to sit with in the park at night and stare at the stars and without saying a word we'll tell eachother everything thats on our minds and when it starts to rain and I get excited he'll get excited too and we'll play in the rain or just sit and feel each drop hit our skin. I need someone to feel infinite with.Some one who believes in me and supports what I want to do, I dont think I've ever had that.I want someone to see what my friends see in me what I cant see in me. God I sound so pathetic, I'm sorry I suck so much. I guess I'm gonna just go I need to stop thinking about all this sad shit.....

I guess the bottom line is ... Aaron makes me smile and I just really wish we get to sit in the rain one day and talk. I love talking in the rain. Its like it washes away all insecurities and you feel infinite and you want to just run and never go back. Sometimes I wish I loved no one that way I wouldnt feel bad about wanting to die. I really want to die.

" My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me so wont you kill me so I'll die happy...."