Mumsie Tried To Ruin Thanksgiving
Oh fucking SIGH!!!
As has become the new custom for my "tribe", Thanksgiving is our holiday to come together. Xmas/Yule and other holidays are all over the place and often with other relatives, but no one can stand doing the big turkey day with anyone else anymore. Sleep started joining Cat and I a few years ago and hasn't looked back. Mike's been a part of the feast since he's moved in. Reese and my sister finally joined us last year, and that went well.
This year, Kathy and her kids joined us for the first time. Kathy contributed a sweet potato dish that was really yummy and was a little put out that we didn't have mashed potatoes... but Cat and I like stuffing so much we never make it for Thanksgiving (although if anyone else wants to bring that dish, I wouldn't protest!) It was a very merry affair, and we very much enjoyed one another's company and the escape from the issues and problems of grumpy and problematic former spouses or elderly parents and extended relatives. We were all talking after dinner and relaxing and really, food-wise and socially, things couldn't have gone any better. I'm very pleased!
Which is great, but naturally I'm writing because something perturbs me...
As the title says, Mumsie is doing her thing again. This month, her sister, my aunt Dora, finally gave me the budget (after 6 months of asking!!!) from Erica's share of the bills and what's left over after that, and basically my mother is stealing about $360 a month to buy crap for her hoard pile. I couldn't believe it was that much! Erica gets a little over $900 for SSI, and about $500 of that goes towards mortgage and bills, and my mother gives my sister about $100 to $120 in "allowance" out of that, which leaves hundreds of dollars a month missing.
Given my mother's history of stealing from my husband and myself, I can't say I'm surprised. I'm sure my mother thinks it's her due for "taking care of" Erica, but let's be real here-- she and my sister may live in the same house, but they scarcely speak. My mother hasn't done anything for my sister in any real way in well over 30 years. But narcissists like my mother think they deserve the moon and stars for simply existing.
Dora clearly told my mother that she gave me the budget, so the jig is up. I know what's been going on financially, and my mother is in a panic not to lose control of my sister and her money. So--! Before Erica came to visit for 3 days over the holiday weekend, my mother sat my sister down for what she called "a mother and daughter heart to heart." She told my sister not to let me "poison her mind" about my mother (you mean tell the truth? TOO LATE!!) and that I didn't care about Erica, that I only wanted her SSI money!
Erica of course got all emotional telling me, but I told my sister that it was clear that what Mumsie said was not true, and that I would be submitting financial statements to the state agencies-- and so she didn't have to worry, and my feelings weren't hurt at all. I don't care what our mother says, I told her.
... but of course that wasn't entirely true...
I DO care. Not because my feelings are hurt-- I was truthful about that. I would have to care about my mother's opinions of me to give a shit in that way, so that's not it. I know Erica doesn't believe my mother, and, further, that Joan, my sister's case manager, knows what's going on and is four-square in my corner, so I'm not worried about another false accusation from my mother sabotaging me.
What I hate is that my mother, who almost exclusively ignores my sister, has begun plying her skills to manipulate my sister and is freaking her out. Erica has always been mommy's compliant golden child and it's very stressful for her to be forced to confront loyalty issues. I've already won that battle and everyone knows this except for my mother and maybe my aunt Dora-- but to be put through all that bullshit? That bugs me.
And I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of my mother's games. I have to deal with it because my sister is stuck with my mother part-time until Mumsie dies, but I am so fucking sick of this shit! People who actually believe my mother that I'm motivated by greed for a tiny amount of money don't know the full scoop. The selfish, "greedy" part of me wants to walk away and let everything fall apart for everyone in my family. I pretty much did that for 20 years and it suited me just fine because I've always been so easily overwhelmed by the false accusations and bullshit games of either my mother or my now-ex husband that I ran away from it all in self-defense. I LIKED being free of my blood family because they've often been so cruel or apathetic towards me. Why stick around for that, huh? I'm not a masochist!
But the thing is--? I actually DO have a conscience! It has bothered me terribly for more than 20 years that I abandoned my mentally disabled sister to live in a shithole hoarder's house! That weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. I tried to find a way with my limited resources to make a place for my sister and it took this long to make a path that was feasible. I coudn't do it without a LOT of support from friends, and especially Cat. Now I'm steadily (though too slowly in my opinion) working towards relief from the awful living conditions for my sister, and making headway towards a much, MUCH better future for her. Dealing with these silly manipulation games by my mother towards my sister, my aunt, and all my relatives is a part of the price I must pay to help my sister. If anyone thinks that's worth $360 a month, they're INSANE!! Selfishness can be for money, but my selfishness wants PEACE more than anything. I want not to deal with insanity and stupidity and stubborness and greed and selfishness from other people. In other words, I don't want to deal with my mother or her minions any more! The selfish thing is not to scheme for my sister's money, it's to get away from the suffering that contact with my mother brings to my life!
And I'm proving now that I'm really not that selfish at all. I have that side of course. I know my shadows! But even my shadows don't want the money if it means dealing with an ongoing ordeal. But those shadows don't rule me, and so here we are...
As has become the new custom for my "tribe", Thanksgiving is our holiday to come together. Xmas/Yule and other holidays are all over the place and often with other relatives, but no one can stand doing the big turkey day with anyone else anymore. Sleep started joining Cat and I a few years ago and hasn't looked back. Mike's been a part of the feast since he's moved in. Reese and my sister finally joined us last year, and that went well.
This year, Kathy and her kids joined us for the first time. Kathy contributed a sweet potato dish that was really yummy and was a little put out that we didn't have mashed potatoes... but Cat and I like stuffing so much we never make it for Thanksgiving (although if anyone else wants to bring that dish, I wouldn't protest!) It was a very merry affair, and we very much enjoyed one another's company and the escape from the issues and problems of grumpy and problematic former spouses or elderly parents and extended relatives. We were all talking after dinner and relaxing and really, food-wise and socially, things couldn't have gone any better. I'm very pleased!
Which is great, but naturally I'm writing because something perturbs me...
As the title says, Mumsie is doing her thing again. This month, her sister, my aunt Dora, finally gave me the budget (after 6 months of asking!!!) from Erica's share of the bills and what's left over after that, and basically my mother is stealing about $360 a month to buy crap for her hoard pile. I couldn't believe it was that much! Erica gets a little over $900 for SSI, and about $500 of that goes towards mortgage and bills, and my mother gives my sister about $100 to $120 in "allowance" out of that, which leaves hundreds of dollars a month missing.
Given my mother's history of stealing from my husband and myself, I can't say I'm surprised. I'm sure my mother thinks it's her due for "taking care of" Erica, but let's be real here-- she and my sister may live in the same house, but they scarcely speak. My mother hasn't done anything for my sister in any real way in well over 30 years. But narcissists like my mother think they deserve the moon and stars for simply existing.
Dora clearly told my mother that she gave me the budget, so the jig is up. I know what's been going on financially, and my mother is in a panic not to lose control of my sister and her money. So--! Before Erica came to visit for 3 days over the holiday weekend, my mother sat my sister down for what she called "a mother and daughter heart to heart." She told my sister not to let me "poison her mind" about my mother (you mean tell the truth? TOO LATE!!) and that I didn't care about Erica, that I only wanted her SSI money!
Erica of course got all emotional telling me, but I told my sister that it was clear that what Mumsie said was not true, and that I would be submitting financial statements to the state agencies-- and so she didn't have to worry, and my feelings weren't hurt at all. I don't care what our mother says, I told her.
... but of course that wasn't entirely true...
I DO care. Not because my feelings are hurt-- I was truthful about that. I would have to care about my mother's opinions of me to give a shit in that way, so that's not it. I know Erica doesn't believe my mother, and, further, that Joan, my sister's case manager, knows what's going on and is four-square in my corner, so I'm not worried about another false accusation from my mother sabotaging me.
What I hate is that my mother, who almost exclusively ignores my sister, has begun plying her skills to manipulate my sister and is freaking her out. Erica has always been mommy's compliant golden child and it's very stressful for her to be forced to confront loyalty issues. I've already won that battle and everyone knows this except for my mother and maybe my aunt Dora-- but to be put through all that bullshit? That bugs me.
And I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of my mother's games. I have to deal with it because my sister is stuck with my mother part-time until Mumsie dies, but I am so fucking sick of this shit! People who actually believe my mother that I'm motivated by greed for a tiny amount of money don't know the full scoop. The selfish, "greedy" part of me wants to walk away and let everything fall apart for everyone in my family. I pretty much did that for 20 years and it suited me just fine because I've always been so easily overwhelmed by the false accusations and bullshit games of either my mother or my now-ex husband that I ran away from it all in self-defense. I LIKED being free of my blood family because they've often been so cruel or apathetic towards me. Why stick around for that, huh? I'm not a masochist!
But the thing is--? I actually DO have a conscience! It has bothered me terribly for more than 20 years that I abandoned my mentally disabled sister to live in a shithole hoarder's house! That weighs on me like you wouldn't believe. I tried to find a way with my limited resources to make a place for my sister and it took this long to make a path that was feasible. I coudn't do it without a LOT of support from friends, and especially Cat. Now I'm steadily (though too slowly in my opinion) working towards relief from the awful living conditions for my sister, and making headway towards a much, MUCH better future for her. Dealing with these silly manipulation games by my mother towards my sister, my aunt, and all my relatives is a part of the price I must pay to help my sister. If anyone thinks that's worth $360 a month, they're INSANE!! Selfishness can be for money, but my selfishness wants PEACE more than anything. I want not to deal with insanity and stupidity and stubborness and greed and selfishness from other people. In other words, I don't want to deal with my mother or her minions any more! The selfish thing is not to scheme for my sister's money, it's to get away from the suffering that contact with my mother brings to my life!
And I'm proving now that I'm really not that selfish at all. I have that side of course. I know my shadows! But even my shadows don't want the money if it means dealing with an ongoing ordeal. But those shadows don't rule me, and so here we are...