Derealization Panic Attacks
For the last three days, I've had derealization panic attacks late afternoon/early evening. I finally got in touch with a fellow panic attack victim, and she was GOOD for my soul! I have so much on my plate, and then Cat got weird and moody, and THAT on top of the rest sent me into "AAACK!" mode. I turned into Bill the cat (for those of you who every followed that comic strip!)
And... I finally talked to Cat after she pretty much shut me out for 6 days in a row, and she's a little freaked-out too, but she and I managed to have a civilized conversation and my panic attack alert system finally let go.
THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW of feeling like I was in the wrong life, wrong world, and starting to spiral like crazy! Not good at all. It's been a LONG time (think divorce) since I've found myself just reeling like that. A lot of things have shifted slightly in the last month, some for the better, and some not-- but apparently my system just can't handle having my security point threatened. So when Cat, who is still my best friend and the reason I can live a decent life, starts acting like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me for several days in a row-- I started freaking right the fuck out.
Cat's autism thing means she can't quite appreciate some of the damage she does when she throws her moodiness at me! I tried to explain it as kindly as I could and then asked her to please, please just give me a "courtesy check-in" once a day. She can have a bad mood or a bad day, or even a few of them! But if she could just talk to me for, like, 5 minutes so I "know" that I'm still okay, I could stop the panic attack chain.
Now the goal is to calm my shit down. I'll be shaky for several days after this. Things are going to feel "off" for a while now. I hate how my brain does this shit to me! But all I can do is TRY to solve the issues causing it, and then hunker down and smoke some weed or something to get myself to stop shaking and quaking like a leaf on a dildo!
This is why I "tend" to Cat so much! I take care of her emotionally so she doesn't do this shit to me, but I can only do so much and then I start to break. I know she's pissed I told her I can't hear her threatening to blow up my life casually because of a bad day-- she's pulled away because I made a boundary that she doesn't like. And, in the past, I would have given in rather than have these panic attacks. But right now, listening to her complain with hyperbole is ALSO causing panic attacks, so I have to try a different tactic. I knew this was going to blow up in my face, but I can't keep allowing her to fuck my head like this! She's not trying to hurt me, but she's very self-centered in these types of things, and I have to put my foot down or prolong my suffering, and right now, I have no more left to give.
And... I finally talked to Cat after she pretty much shut me out for 6 days in a row, and she's a little freaked-out too, but she and I managed to have a civilized conversation and my panic attack alert system finally let go.
THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW of feeling like I was in the wrong life, wrong world, and starting to spiral like crazy! Not good at all. It's been a LONG time (think divorce) since I've found myself just reeling like that. A lot of things have shifted slightly in the last month, some for the better, and some not-- but apparently my system just can't handle having my security point threatened. So when Cat, who is still my best friend and the reason I can live a decent life, starts acting like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me for several days in a row-- I started freaking right the fuck out.
Cat's autism thing means she can't quite appreciate some of the damage she does when she throws her moodiness at me! I tried to explain it as kindly as I could and then asked her to please, please just give me a "courtesy check-in" once a day. She can have a bad mood or a bad day, or even a few of them! But if she could just talk to me for, like, 5 minutes so I "know" that I'm still okay, I could stop the panic attack chain.
Now the goal is to calm my shit down. I'll be shaky for several days after this. Things are going to feel "off" for a while now. I hate how my brain does this shit to me! But all I can do is TRY to solve the issues causing it, and then hunker down and smoke some weed or something to get myself to stop shaking and quaking like a leaf on a dildo!
This is why I "tend" to Cat so much! I take care of her emotionally so she doesn't do this shit to me, but I can only do so much and then I start to break. I know she's pissed I told her I can't hear her threatening to blow up my life casually because of a bad day-- she's pulled away because I made a boundary that she doesn't like. And, in the past, I would have given in rather than have these panic attacks. But right now, listening to her complain with hyperbole is ALSO causing panic attacks, so I have to try a different tactic. I knew this was going to blow up in my face, but I can't keep allowing her to fuck my head like this! She's not trying to hurt me, but she's very self-centered in these types of things, and I have to put my foot down or prolong my suffering, and right now, I have no more left to give.