Pebbles & the Nibbler, 2 Young Angry Aspects
I had a couple of disturbing dreams recently.
A few days ago I dreamt that a red-haired girl was giving me lip and it was like I was her parent or something (blended with Ray aspect?) and I told her if she didn't cool down I would cool her down, and I threatened to dunk her head under a running faucet of cold water. I was so offended that she was being disrespectful towards me! Like-- really ANGRY about her daring to be angry!
I woke up and realized that I flubbed up that dream. She was probably an aspect I needed to dialog with...
I've discussed how pissed I've found myself recently over so many different things, and I think this dream was about where some of that is coming from, actually. So when I had an actual nightmare that woke me up gasping early this morning I realized I had to do some semi-awake IFS right then and there.
In that dream, I had done something that pissed off some older teen, barely-20s brunette girl. The next thing I know, I see her from my spot in my den/keeping area, and she's coming for me! She's obviously just ready to beat me into the ground! I popped up out of my chair and started to yell for Cat to come help me--literally scared I was going to be beaten up. Then, the dream girl burst out laughing and it so startled me I woke up.
So, still rather disturbed, I kept my position in bed and closed my eyes and imagined myself going to the back porch to meet this obvious aspect. She was surprised that she scared me, but I was so into the dream that I didn't realize she was a me, not some actual other person coming to get me. We talked a bit. I asked her if she knew the redhead girl from another dream. She did and the angry little girl (maybe 9 years old?) popped in. I started to drift and fall asleep as I spoke to them.
The angry redheaded girl's name was "The Nibbler." Apparently, she was upset and sort of took that feeling and tranced out by nibbling on and worrying my cuticles and nails, hence the name. I tried talking to her but she wasn't very verbal. Just quietly working her jaw and grabbing things and clutching them. She grabbed my hand and actually bit one of my fingers while we were standing there. I apologized to her for getting mad at her, I was confused I explained. She didn't really respond, but she stopped gnawing on me, so maybe she absorbed my message.
The other girl was dressed like a goth, in black and pretty blue (like my Billie Eilish userpic), and her hair was done in those really cute top buns or "space buns" that look like animal ears things girls do these days, and I was a little surprised, because she was stylish in her own goth way. So I asked her about the anger part of her, and she said it was from always being under the thumb of parents or people who have parental-like authority over me because I can't entirely support myself, and it gets frustrating to be treated like a kid when I'm perfectly smart and capable in other ways. I just can't sustain a full-time job due to my disability. She's like a teenage rebellion aspect in me that still applies too much of the time.
Getting her name was nearly impossible. She suggested Veronica or Vicky, but we both didn't think those quite fit. I asked her what she called herself all this time, since she'd been a teenaged aspect lingering in my mind for some 35+ years, and she said, "Pebbles." That made me think of the little baby from the Flintstones, but she showed herself pinging little pebbles all over the place, like verbal mini-bombs. And I realized that I used to go off on mini-rants, and often at the wrong time, when I was much younger.
I fell asleep again around that time and lost the thread, but I recalled the interlude of communication, so that at least was something. I think some of my frustration at the stupidity of certain people and the corruption and negligence of much of our leadership has brought me back to that impotent anger of my youth, and it's triggered these 2 parts of myself.
Well... at least I communicated with them a smidge. It was interesting to meet the part of me that compulsively gnaws on my cuticles and nails, I must say. She was like a collection of feelings and mindless, distracting habits and very little else. A coping mechanism for stress. It makes me think that some of my anxiety over the years has been from the fear that I dare not express my anger. So my little angry selves got all tangled up and gagged so they couldn't accidentally piss off the wrong person. Now that Cat and I are working shit out and I no longer fear she'll kick me to the curb, they're finally free to peep out a little I think. Maybe that's where my extra pissy-ness at times is coming from? (Not that I'm picking on people, I'm just feeling grumbly in general when I watch the news-- so I limit myself.) If so, then my semi-dream state of connecting to them was helpful. Also--? I'm not as afraid of my own anger as I was before this. So I'll call that a win.
A few days ago I dreamt that a red-haired girl was giving me lip and it was like I was her parent or something (blended with Ray aspect?) and I told her if she didn't cool down I would cool her down, and I threatened to dunk her head under a running faucet of cold water. I was so offended that she was being disrespectful towards me! Like-- really ANGRY about her daring to be angry!
I woke up and realized that I flubbed up that dream. She was probably an aspect I needed to dialog with...
I've discussed how pissed I've found myself recently over so many different things, and I think this dream was about where some of that is coming from, actually. So when I had an actual nightmare that woke me up gasping early this morning I realized I had to do some semi-awake IFS right then and there.
In that dream, I had done something that pissed off some older teen, barely-20s brunette girl. The next thing I know, I see her from my spot in my den/keeping area, and she's coming for me! She's obviously just ready to beat me into the ground! I popped up out of my chair and started to yell for Cat to come help me--literally scared I was going to be beaten up. Then, the dream girl burst out laughing and it so startled me I woke up.
So, still rather disturbed, I kept my position in bed and closed my eyes and imagined myself going to the back porch to meet this obvious aspect. She was surprised that she scared me, but I was so into the dream that I didn't realize she was a me, not some actual other person coming to get me. We talked a bit. I asked her if she knew the redhead girl from another dream. She did and the angry little girl (maybe 9 years old?) popped in. I started to drift and fall asleep as I spoke to them.
The angry redheaded girl's name was "The Nibbler." Apparently, she was upset and sort of took that feeling and tranced out by nibbling on and worrying my cuticles and nails, hence the name. I tried talking to her but she wasn't very verbal. Just quietly working her jaw and grabbing things and clutching them. She grabbed my hand and actually bit one of my fingers while we were standing there. I apologized to her for getting mad at her, I was confused I explained. She didn't really respond, but she stopped gnawing on me, so maybe she absorbed my message.
The other girl was dressed like a goth, in black and pretty blue (like my Billie Eilish userpic), and her hair was done in those really cute top buns or "space buns" that look like animal ears things girls do these days, and I was a little surprised, because she was stylish in her own goth way. So I asked her about the anger part of her, and she said it was from always being under the thumb of parents or people who have parental-like authority over me because I can't entirely support myself, and it gets frustrating to be treated like a kid when I'm perfectly smart and capable in other ways. I just can't sustain a full-time job due to my disability. She's like a teenage rebellion aspect in me that still applies too much of the time.
Getting her name was nearly impossible. She suggested Veronica or Vicky, but we both didn't think those quite fit. I asked her what she called herself all this time, since she'd been a teenaged aspect lingering in my mind for some 35+ years, and she said, "Pebbles." That made me think of the little baby from the Flintstones, but she showed herself pinging little pebbles all over the place, like verbal mini-bombs. And I realized that I used to go off on mini-rants, and often at the wrong time, when I was much younger.
I fell asleep again around that time and lost the thread, but I recalled the interlude of communication, so that at least was something. I think some of my frustration at the stupidity of certain people and the corruption and negligence of much of our leadership has brought me back to that impotent anger of my youth, and it's triggered these 2 parts of myself.
Well... at least I communicated with them a smidge. It was interesting to meet the part of me that compulsively gnaws on my cuticles and nails, I must say. She was like a collection of feelings and mindless, distracting habits and very little else. A coping mechanism for stress. It makes me think that some of my anxiety over the years has been from the fear that I dare not express my anger. So my little angry selves got all tangled up and gagged so they couldn't accidentally piss off the wrong person. Now that Cat and I are working shit out and I no longer fear she'll kick me to the curb, they're finally free to peep out a little I think. Maybe that's where my extra pissy-ness at times is coming from? (Not that I'm picking on people, I'm just feeling grumbly in general when I watch the news-- so I limit myself.) If so, then my semi-dream state of connecting to them was helpful. Also--? I'm not as afraid of my own anger as I was before this. So I'll call that a win.