IFS: What Aspect Is Discouraging Me From IFS!?!?
Flares aside, I can't quite figure out why I always have such a reluctance to do IFS work. Obviously the severe flares make any work impossible, but even when I'm cogent and curious, I find I have a deep resistance to just sitting down and doing it. It's not difficult to do, and I enjoy learning about my aspects and working with them. The therapy seems to help a LOT. So what gives?
I got an advanced IFS therapy book that discusses this very issue. The answer is that an aspect or aspects is sabotaging the work on purpose.
SO-- ! Today's IFS session is going to be all about ferreting out that aspect and seeing what we can do to soothe it's concerns.
Me: Conscious Self here! I wanted to talk to whoever is upset about my IFS work and keeps trying to get me to stop doing it.
I'm getting an image of a slouchy, teenaged boy, with dark hair. He's a little fat. He looks defiant and pouty, very much like a kid whining to his parents about not wanting to do a chore. [Later note: I found the image below under "lazy teen" in a search, but just now noticed he's not so much LAZY as SICK IN A HOSPITAL and bored by it. Fits my situation even better.]
Me: Hello? Who are you?
Teen: Barry...
Me: Hello, Barry. Interesting name.
Barry: Yeah, sure. It's not one you like and I already know that. It's a "fat kid" name. A "loser" name...
Me: Perhaps that is a bias some aspects of me have, but really, you can take on any name you like. So you think of yourself as a fat kid and a loser, even though I was always skinny growing up. The loser part of it I think many other aspects can understand...
Barry: Yeah, well, some of those other aspects call me this because I'm the one who just doesn't feel like doing things. I'm lazy, and I just want to avoid work and you always want to work!
Me: You can change your name later if you like, so don't get too hung up on that. I know full well I have a lazy side, nice to meet you! *laughs*
Barry: Yeah, real funny.
Me: Barry, it occurs to me that your lack of motivation seems to stem from depression as much as a stubborn wish to avoid work. You're also popping up during a period of time where I am dealing with depression. What do you think of that observation/opinion?
Barry: *looks irritated* Blah blah depression! Blah blah therapy! Blah blah blah! Can't you just shut up sometimes?
Me: Bringing up depression made you angry it seems.
Barry: NO SHIT!
Me: Could you explain to me why?
Barry: *rolls eyes and sighs deeply* It's just about MORE bullshit work! I just don't want to be trying all the time! Don't we ever get a break?
Me: I think we get lots of breaks compared to others, but I think I understand what you mean. We've really been pushing, so many aspects that is, to get lots of work done, and it sounds to me like you've just reached your breaking point with all the go-go-go. Is that it?
Barry: YES! JEEZ!
Me: Okay. Thank you for speaking with me about this. I think I need to explain some things about why I'm doing IFS now, even after all the OTHER work we've done.
Barry: *sighs again* Yeah..?
Me: This is not just about being able to do more work. I'm guessing you think that healing aspects will just mean a lot more WORK, since some of the healing I've done has helped working rays step forward. Is that what you're thinking?
Barry: Pretty much. Yeah. It just doesn't sound good to me.
Me: Well, I can see why! You're an important part of my system. You help keep me from frying out-- and I'm burnt crispy lately! I know that. So, don't think I'm mad at you or anything. You're trying to get me back to the point where I'm more functional, just like a Ray would. But you step in when nothing else is working. You make me feel lazy and defiant, killing time with video games or TV.
Barry: Exactly. *calms down a little now that he's understood*
Me: Now, see? What just happened there? We TALKED, so we figured something out. We need each other.
Barry: Okay. Thanks for saying that. I'm worried that aspects working means a lot more working, period.
Me: I get it. But two things need saying. One is that I WILL have to do more work with my writing and other things for the sake of survival. Our income is dropping at the end of the summer, and there are things that must be done so that we can actually relax a lot more later-- get a bunch of stuff out of the way and off the "to do" list, you know?
Barry: I know that! I'm pissed that we're not given a choice about it!
Me: I think everyone feels that way at times. Just look at Cat! She's really upset at how much her longer commute bites into her relaxing time. All the same, though, there are sacrifices that have to be made to make it nowadays. That is true for US as well.
Barry: I know... *sags guiltily*
Me: So it is true that I need to be more functional. And yes, that means I can get more work done-- as in, the not fun stuff. That's true. But the second thing is that the IFS stuff is more about avoiding misery. You're all about avoiding misery, aren't you?
Barry: Yeah, I avoid shit like that.
Me: Exactly! And working with the parts, just talking to each other, is to help heal a lot of misery I have. Not just to work, but to relax, play, bum around. Just think of how hard it is to do nothing in particular when the Rays are all up in arms and poking and prodding everyone else. You hate that, right?
Barry: Yeah, I fucking hate it!
Me: Well, this IFS thing isn't just to motivate the parts like you to give way, it is also to motivate the parts that won't let you relax without feeling guilty and shit! How frustrating is it to not be able to watch TV or daydream without feeling a Ray pacing up and down in the background?
*blended for a second*
Barry: That IS frustrating! It's driving me crazy, actually! Then I get tired and just can't move anymore...
Me: A-ha! That makes a lot of sense to me. The Rays driving you on are wearing you out, huh?
Barry: Yes! Exactly!
Me: Well, listen, Barry... I can advocate for YOU in these talks, as well as for any other aspect. That means that I make sure you get some down time to just fuck around without being harassed. But for that to happen, I have to be able to do IFS with various aspects. I'm not just trying to be more efficient for shit I NEED to do and HAVE to do, but for those things I WANT to do. I can't relax when you're not getting your time, too.
Barry: Okay, I guess that makes sense...
Me: I'm grateful you stepped forward when I asked you to so I could explain all this. It is actually a VERY high priority for me to allow down time guilt-free and anxiety-free. That hugely affects you and I think when I help balance the system, you'll be glad to do your job, which is to help me be lazy and re-charge when I need to. I'm not against you at all!
Barry: Can you just please get more fun time in, huh? I miss playing video games and stuff.
Me: I know. I got dreams about just that, and if you'll notice, I've started to set time aside to relax. So I'm already working-- ha ha!-- on it.
Barry: Okay. Thanks.
Me: I just need you to step aside and not block me from doing IFS with the other aspects. It's important for many reasons, including making things LESS MISERABLE for you. I promise I will continue to try to balance my relaxation time better as well.
Barry: I'm still not sure I can trust you to not go nuts with this, but I'll try to not be so stubborn.
Me: Thank you, Barry. I know it's not easy for you. You're a very powerful part of me, to balance out the ambitious parts of me, so I am really grateful if you'll cooperate with me on this!
END SESSION.
I got an advanced IFS therapy book that discusses this very issue. The answer is that an aspect or aspects is sabotaging the work on purpose.
SO-- ! Today's IFS session is going to be all about ferreting out that aspect and seeing what we can do to soothe it's concerns.
Me: Conscious Self here! I wanted to talk to whoever is upset about my IFS work and keeps trying to get me to stop doing it.
I'm getting an image of a slouchy, teenaged boy, with dark hair. He's a little fat. He looks defiant and pouty, very much like a kid whining to his parents about not wanting to do a chore. [Later note: I found the image below under "lazy teen" in a search, but just now noticed he's not so much LAZY as SICK IN A HOSPITAL and bored by it. Fits my situation even better.]
Me: Hello? Who are you?
Teen: Barry...
Me: Hello, Barry. Interesting name.
Barry: Yeah, sure. It's not one you like and I already know that. It's a "fat kid" name. A "loser" name...
Me: Perhaps that is a bias some aspects of me have, but really, you can take on any name you like. So you think of yourself as a fat kid and a loser, even though I was always skinny growing up. The loser part of it I think many other aspects can understand...
Barry: Yeah, well, some of those other aspects call me this because I'm the one who just doesn't feel like doing things. I'm lazy, and I just want to avoid work and you always want to work!
Me: You can change your name later if you like, so don't get too hung up on that. I know full well I have a lazy side, nice to meet you! *laughs*
Barry: Yeah, real funny.
Me: Barry, it occurs to me that your lack of motivation seems to stem from depression as much as a stubborn wish to avoid work. You're also popping up during a period of time where I am dealing with depression. What do you think of that observation/opinion?
Barry: *looks irritated* Blah blah depression! Blah blah therapy! Blah blah blah! Can't you just shut up sometimes?
Me: Bringing up depression made you angry it seems.
Barry: NO SHIT!
Me: Could you explain to me why?
Barry: *rolls eyes and sighs deeply* It's just about MORE bullshit work! I just don't want to be trying all the time! Don't we ever get a break?
Me: I think we get lots of breaks compared to others, but I think I understand what you mean. We've really been pushing, so many aspects that is, to get lots of work done, and it sounds to me like you've just reached your breaking point with all the go-go-go. Is that it?
Barry: YES! JEEZ!
Me: Okay. Thank you for speaking with me about this. I think I need to explain some things about why I'm doing IFS now, even after all the OTHER work we've done.
Barry: *sighs again* Yeah..?
Me: This is not just about being able to do more work. I'm guessing you think that healing aspects will just mean a lot more WORK, since some of the healing I've done has helped working rays step forward. Is that what you're thinking?
Barry: Pretty much. Yeah. It just doesn't sound good to me.
Me: Well, I can see why! You're an important part of my system. You help keep me from frying out-- and I'm burnt crispy lately! I know that. So, don't think I'm mad at you or anything. You're trying to get me back to the point where I'm more functional, just like a Ray would. But you step in when nothing else is working. You make me feel lazy and defiant, killing time with video games or TV.
Barry: Exactly. *calms down a little now that he's understood*
Me: Now, see? What just happened there? We TALKED, so we figured something out. We need each other.
Barry: Okay. Thanks for saying that. I'm worried that aspects working means a lot more working, period.
Me: I get it. But two things need saying. One is that I WILL have to do more work with my writing and other things for the sake of survival. Our income is dropping at the end of the summer, and there are things that must be done so that we can actually relax a lot more later-- get a bunch of stuff out of the way and off the "to do" list, you know?
Barry: I know that! I'm pissed that we're not given a choice about it!
Me: I think everyone feels that way at times. Just look at Cat! She's really upset at how much her longer commute bites into her relaxing time. All the same, though, there are sacrifices that have to be made to make it nowadays. That is true for US as well.
Barry: I know... *sags guiltily*
Me: So it is true that I need to be more functional. And yes, that means I can get more work done-- as in, the not fun stuff. That's true. But the second thing is that the IFS stuff is more about avoiding misery. You're all about avoiding misery, aren't you?
Barry: Yeah, I avoid shit like that.
Me: Exactly! And working with the parts, just talking to each other, is to help heal a lot of misery I have. Not just to work, but to relax, play, bum around. Just think of how hard it is to do nothing in particular when the Rays are all up in arms and poking and prodding everyone else. You hate that, right?
Barry: Yeah, I fucking hate it!
Me: Well, this IFS thing isn't just to motivate the parts like you to give way, it is also to motivate the parts that won't let you relax without feeling guilty and shit! How frustrating is it to not be able to watch TV or daydream without feeling a Ray pacing up and down in the background?
*blended for a second*
Barry: That IS frustrating! It's driving me crazy, actually! Then I get tired and just can't move anymore...
Me: A-ha! That makes a lot of sense to me. The Rays driving you on are wearing you out, huh?
Barry: Yes! Exactly!
Me: Well, listen, Barry... I can advocate for YOU in these talks, as well as for any other aspect. That means that I make sure you get some down time to just fuck around without being harassed. But for that to happen, I have to be able to do IFS with various aspects. I'm not just trying to be more efficient for shit I NEED to do and HAVE to do, but for those things I WANT to do. I can't relax when you're not getting your time, too.
Barry: Okay, I guess that makes sense...
Me: I'm grateful you stepped forward when I asked you to so I could explain all this. It is actually a VERY high priority for me to allow down time guilt-free and anxiety-free. That hugely affects you and I think when I help balance the system, you'll be glad to do your job, which is to help me be lazy and re-charge when I need to. I'm not against you at all!
Barry: Can you just please get more fun time in, huh? I miss playing video games and stuff.
Me: I know. I got dreams about just that, and if you'll notice, I've started to set time aside to relax. So I'm already working-- ha ha!-- on it.
Barry: Okay. Thanks.
Me: I just need you to step aside and not block me from doing IFS with the other aspects. It's important for many reasons, including making things LESS MISERABLE for you. I promise I will continue to try to balance my relaxation time better as well.
Barry: I'm still not sure I can trust you to not go nuts with this, but I'll try to not be so stubborn.
Me: Thank you, Barry. I know it's not easy for you. You're a very powerful part of me, to balance out the ambitious parts of me, so I am really grateful if you'll cooperate with me on this!
END SESSION.