Happy Birthday Ryan
Well today has been really hard. Just for y'all who dont know or who forgot like most people today was Ryans 18th birthday. It hurts so much. Well I made a decision tonite, no more covering up. If Im hurting Im going to get it out. I cant hold it in anymore. Idk what to do but I know Im not wearing a mask anymore. It still hurts like it did that nite. I still feel like I should be in that hospital bed crying and screaming like I was that nite. I also feel like a total idiot because it shouldnt hurt this much anymore, should it? I shouldnt feel this way. I should still b hurting and missing him but not like this. I was told by my doctor that it would get better and that I will always miss him but it wont be this bad but it is. It wont go away. I have turned to drinking a lot to try to forget or cover it up but it doesnt go away. Idk what to do anymore. All I know is I cant keep going like this anymore. Something needs to happen soon. I would give my life to let him come back. To see him one more time, to say I love you one more time, to have him pick on me one more time, just one more. Only God knows why this had to happen to us. Ever since Ryans death everything has gone down hill. Our group of friends was pulled apart, depression came, addictitons, pain, and crying all the time. I want what we had rite b4 the wreck. Everyone happy, no fighting and one big group of friends. A lot of which dont even talk to me anymore. Honestly rite now I feel like dying, it hurts that much. Im not saying Im going to kill myself or anything, Im just saying. No matter what I write you cant understand how it hurts. I know its worse when my chest hurts and I cant breath like it felt when the wreck just happened. I cant close my eyes at nite without seeing it. I hear the sounds everyday, I relive it all the time. Im not saying y'all arent hurting or trying to make y'all think Im the only one who still hurts. Im just saying how I feel and what I go through everyday. I need to get this off my chest, Im tried of hiding it and trying to cover it up. Everyone thinks Im this lil happy go lucky girl, and I used to be that girl, 2 yrs ago that was changed and I have never been that person since. I want to be that person again soo bad but I know thats not going to happen. I just want the pain to go away. I want everything to go away. Its stupid but I still listen to his voice on my cd britt made me everyday. Ive listened to it about 50 times today. I dont want to live like this anymore, I cant. I wont. Something has to give.