I'm back
dammit, it's been a long time since I wrote anything on here. Quick little update... Married (as of August 2, 2005) to a great man (Stan Steward). 9 months pregnant, and not a happy camper. I feel like shit, and this midget is not coming out yet. I am a miserable woman at the moment. I have never been so fat in my entire life. Well that and there's nothing that I can do about it...
Lets see what else. I've got a dog. Her name is Bailey (she's cute, but can be the biggest pain in the ass ever.), me and my husband live in Kirksey, KY (little middle of nowhere p.o.s. town). Well all in all the point of this livejournal is that I have had to grow up in the last couple of years... scary isn't it??
As for now... today has not been a great day. Well since yesterday. As of yesterday I went to the doctors office. I'm officially 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Hoping that they were going to induce my labor yesterday... the doctor basically told me to suck it up and quit acting like a fucking baby. He is lucky that I walked out of there without beating him in the fucking head. I knew I was never meant to have children, for some stupid reason I thought I could handle it. HAH... I overestimated myself. I am to the point that if there was a gun in this house I would probably be dead at the moment. As of the last couple of weeks, I have neither been able to sleep nor eat. I am completely irate and the Prozac isn't even working anymore. Stan as much as I love him is not helping things either. I cussed the doctor out as I was leaving the dr's office yesterday, and last night Stan tells me that tomorrow I should apologize to him for being so rude. Well Dr. Cook can kiss my big white LARGE ASS! First of all you don't tell a pregnant woman that she has gained too much weight no matter how much she's gained, and you don't make her issues feel insignificant (he's a fucking OB/GYN for crying out loud... he deals with pregnant women all the time, he should know this shit). AS of yesterday I have taken 7 tylenol pm's and done nothing but sleep. I haven't talked to Stan more than I think 2 words since we got back from the dr. on tuesday. he doesn't understand what it's like to be pregnant, and everytime I try to explain it to him he's like, "Well you've only got 2 1/2 more weeks." 2 more weeks in the condition I'm in at the moment could turn out to be fatal on either 1,2 or 3 people's lives. I do not feel mentally stable anymore. I have tried to tell the doctors this, but no one seems to be listening. HELLO, I have been in this body for 22 years, facing severe depression for the last 5... I think I know what the hell I'm feeling. I really don't feel like talking to anyone right now... I just want to crawl in a hole untill Ethan feels like leaving my body. I have never been more miserable in my life.. this even including the time that I spent living with my dad and pepper.
I just wish that I could do something about how I feel. I have done nothing but cry and sleep for the last 2 days. I've driven Stan away. he went to work today an hour and a half early, because he didn't want to be in the same house with me. He tried to sleep with me last night and I really didn't want anyone close to me, so I got up and slept on the couch. I just wish I could make someone feel what I'm feeling right now. Everyone's pregnancy is different, but mine has been the worst kind of hell that I have ever felt. We were talking about having 3 kids, but I don't even know if I will be able to make it through this one without doing permanent damage to myself. I tried to tell everyone that I was not meant to ever be a mother. I mean really, look at the ones that I had as role models... I mean lets think about it I can only fuck up this childs life.
I really am past the point of knowing what to do... I have a feeling that this baby is going to ruin my marriage before we even hit the 6 month mark. How sad is that? All of my self-prophesies are coming true. I told people that I should never get married, because I'm not the marrying type, but I went against my better judgement with Stan. I told him that having a baby was probably not a great idea, because I could never be the mom that I wanted to be, but again I went against my thoughts, and that's coming true too. Am I destined to be alone and sad for the rest of my life???? I mean there are times that I am completely happy and I think that I have made the right decisions, and then there are times (more often than not) that I think the world would just be a better place without me in it.
Stan tells me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, but I can't help but wonder if there was someone else out there that would have been better for him. Someone who was completely mentally stable enough that he wouldn't have to worry all the time if something he said was going to completely set me off. I was bad before, but nothing like I am now. This pregnancy has done nothing for my mental capacity.
Anywho, that's today.
Thought for today: If tomorrow never comes, how will you be remembered? Would people know the real you, or just the you that you thought they should know?
Lets see what else. I've got a dog. Her name is Bailey (she's cute, but can be the biggest pain in the ass ever.), me and my husband live in Kirksey, KY (little middle of nowhere p.o.s. town). Well all in all the point of this livejournal is that I have had to grow up in the last couple of years... scary isn't it??
As for now... today has not been a great day. Well since yesterday. As of yesterday I went to the doctors office. I'm officially 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Hoping that they were going to induce my labor yesterday... the doctor basically told me to suck it up and quit acting like a fucking baby. He is lucky that I walked out of there without beating him in the fucking head. I knew I was never meant to have children, for some stupid reason I thought I could handle it. HAH... I overestimated myself. I am to the point that if there was a gun in this house I would probably be dead at the moment. As of the last couple of weeks, I have neither been able to sleep nor eat. I am completely irate and the Prozac isn't even working anymore. Stan as much as I love him is not helping things either. I cussed the doctor out as I was leaving the dr's office yesterday, and last night Stan tells me that tomorrow I should apologize to him for being so rude. Well Dr. Cook can kiss my big white LARGE ASS! First of all you don't tell a pregnant woman that she has gained too much weight no matter how much she's gained, and you don't make her issues feel insignificant (he's a fucking OB/GYN for crying out loud... he deals with pregnant women all the time, he should know this shit). AS of yesterday I have taken 7 tylenol pm's and done nothing but sleep. I haven't talked to Stan more than I think 2 words since we got back from the dr. on tuesday. he doesn't understand what it's like to be pregnant, and everytime I try to explain it to him he's like, "Well you've only got 2 1/2 more weeks." 2 more weeks in the condition I'm in at the moment could turn out to be fatal on either 1,2 or 3 people's lives. I do not feel mentally stable anymore. I have tried to tell the doctors this, but no one seems to be listening. HELLO, I have been in this body for 22 years, facing severe depression for the last 5... I think I know what the hell I'm feeling. I really don't feel like talking to anyone right now... I just want to crawl in a hole untill Ethan feels like leaving my body. I have never been more miserable in my life.. this even including the time that I spent living with my dad and pepper.
I just wish that I could do something about how I feel. I have done nothing but cry and sleep for the last 2 days. I've driven Stan away. he went to work today an hour and a half early, because he didn't want to be in the same house with me. He tried to sleep with me last night and I really didn't want anyone close to me, so I got up and slept on the couch. I just wish I could make someone feel what I'm feeling right now. Everyone's pregnancy is different, but mine has been the worst kind of hell that I have ever felt. We were talking about having 3 kids, but I don't even know if I will be able to make it through this one without doing permanent damage to myself. I tried to tell everyone that I was not meant to ever be a mother. I mean really, look at the ones that I had as role models... I mean lets think about it I can only fuck up this childs life.
I really am past the point of knowing what to do... I have a feeling that this baby is going to ruin my marriage before we even hit the 6 month mark. How sad is that? All of my self-prophesies are coming true. I told people that I should never get married, because I'm not the marrying type, but I went against my better judgement with Stan. I told him that having a baby was probably not a great idea, because I could never be the mom that I wanted to be, but again I went against my thoughts, and that's coming true too. Am I destined to be alone and sad for the rest of my life???? I mean there are times that I am completely happy and I think that I have made the right decisions, and then there are times (more often than not) that I think the world would just be a better place without me in it.
Stan tells me that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, but I can't help but wonder if there was someone else out there that would have been better for him. Someone who was completely mentally stable enough that he wouldn't have to worry all the time if something he said was going to completely set me off. I was bad before, but nothing like I am now. This pregnancy has done nothing for my mental capacity.
Anywho, that's today.
Thought for today: If tomorrow never comes, how will you be remembered? Would people know the real you, or just the you that you thought they should know?