(no subject)
so out of every storm, always comes a rainbow, right?
and today brought the realization that i am in fact the worlds greatest fool. or idiot. i am in the ft. collins town idiot. i might as well be a drunk. that way i can be the town drunken idiot.
but the point is, my foolishness led to realization. and i will be okay. i feel okay. well, i feel like ill be okay. i guess i just needed a sign, or a slap in the face, to get me to let go of that secret hope i refused to acknowledge i had or give up.
i have my faith in God. and it brought me through the hardest thing ever. and itll bring me through this. this isnt as bad. its a slap in face is maybe what i need. to finally let go. i dont ever really let go. but now thats all i can do. my hope was nothing more than a dillusion. and i cant live my life in a dillusion. so, ill get over it. ill grow. ill be okay. too bad tre realization of things leads to growth, but growth leeds to change, and to finding out who you really are. and who you need to be. and that takes faith. but what are my options? continue to live like everything will work out perfectly according to what i want, which, as it turns out is false, a lie, and never will be anything more than that. or have faith, that even if i cant imagine what it is, there is something better waiting for me, when im ready. and now, i cant imagine something being better. not even close. but obviously, there will be. and thats where the faith comes in. and maybe some real hope this time. not the hope that what i want will come true, but that someone is looking out for me and will lead me to places that i cant even imagine. so thats my new hope.
and what makes it just the slightest bit easier, the people in my life. i have amazing people in my life. and when im driving around thinking that im alone in this damn state and the people that i need the most are a million miles away, i ended up at the home of someone who helped, a lot. and im so thankful for him. and his wife, who went out and bought me daffodils because they looked happy, and i wasnt.
so, no more living in the past. no more living with a hope for things that cant, and wont be. no more passing up oppurtunities because of what im still holding on to.
im done. ive erased the pictures, finally, and the video. and that doesnt mean the memory of the ferris wheel is gone too, but its a step, right?
Standing in front of you
They fade into the wall
And leave behind nothing
Nothing at all
I know i don't understand how they forget
How some will just pass us by
And take what they can get
I know i don't understand how weightless they must be
Without feeling
Without feeling
Without feeling
Grasping with my fingernails
As they tear through your skin
Leaving no signs of pain
No wounds to mend
and today brought the realization that i am in fact the worlds greatest fool. or idiot. i am in the ft. collins town idiot. i might as well be a drunk. that way i can be the town drunken idiot.
but the point is, my foolishness led to realization. and i will be okay. i feel okay. well, i feel like ill be okay. i guess i just needed a sign, or a slap in the face, to get me to let go of that secret hope i refused to acknowledge i had or give up.
i have my faith in God. and it brought me through the hardest thing ever. and itll bring me through this. this isnt as bad. its a slap in face is maybe what i need. to finally let go. i dont ever really let go. but now thats all i can do. my hope was nothing more than a dillusion. and i cant live my life in a dillusion. so, ill get over it. ill grow. ill be okay. too bad tre realization of things leads to growth, but growth leeds to change, and to finding out who you really are. and who you need to be. and that takes faith. but what are my options? continue to live like everything will work out perfectly according to what i want, which, as it turns out is false, a lie, and never will be anything more than that. or have faith, that even if i cant imagine what it is, there is something better waiting for me, when im ready. and now, i cant imagine something being better. not even close. but obviously, there will be. and thats where the faith comes in. and maybe some real hope this time. not the hope that what i want will come true, but that someone is looking out for me and will lead me to places that i cant even imagine. so thats my new hope.
and what makes it just the slightest bit easier, the people in my life. i have amazing people in my life. and when im driving around thinking that im alone in this damn state and the people that i need the most are a million miles away, i ended up at the home of someone who helped, a lot. and im so thankful for him. and his wife, who went out and bought me daffodils because they looked happy, and i wasnt.
so, no more living in the past. no more living with a hope for things that cant, and wont be. no more passing up oppurtunities because of what im still holding on to.
im done. ive erased the pictures, finally, and the video. and that doesnt mean the memory of the ferris wheel is gone too, but its a step, right?
Standing in front of you
They fade into the wall
And leave behind nothing
Nothing at all
I know i don't understand how they forget
How some will just pass us by
And take what they can get
I know i don't understand how weightless they must be
Without feeling
Without feeling
Without feeling
Grasping with my fingernails
As they tear through your skin
Leaving no signs of pain
No wounds to mend