Pop
It's been a while since I updated this thing. I figured I might as well, since I really need a good place to write.
The past couple of weeks went by so fast.. so much happened. I recall the events, but I'm in the dark. I don't want to believe anything happened. The sick truth is that they did.. I fucking hate the truth. I want it all the be a black lie. A lie would be so much better than the truth. Denial would be the best thing right now, but it's so hard to deny the truth.
Jynx had been my best friend since Freshman year. We met on the rooftop of the band building. We went through a lot of fucked up shit together, but we had so many good times. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.. He always treated me like I was someone.. like I actually could make it in the world.. I was never just "That fucking stoner." to him. He made me who I am today.. without him I'd be nothing, I'd be dead. And for all that.. I thank him. He gave me the best gift of all in life... He gave me the gift of coming to know my true self.
I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have been. I cry to the point where it aches to close my eyes. I cry out of sorrow, anger, mourning.. and most of all, guilt.
I'm guilty because I think if I hadn't been such a fuck and started showing my true feelings for Amanda, he'd still be here. It was all my fault.. Amanda always resisted until that day, but I believe I pretty much forced myself upon her in a way.
I don't feel sorry for myself or anyone else who has lost a true friend.. I feel sorry for Amanda. She lost someone that meant to world to her over something so idiotic.. over my fucking emotions, over some senseless murder... Nothing was fucking fair. She deserves so much more than that.. She's the most beautiful, talented young woman I have ever met.. She loved him more than anyone else, even if she did know him for a less amount of time. She knew him the most. He was always so happy when she was with him.. and it was likewise.
I remember sitting on the rooftop with him at the end of Sophomore year. Jynx had just broken up with Brig (cunt). We smoked a cigg and talked for a few. I asked him if he had anyone else in mind. He held his cigarette between his fingers and stared out into the distance for a long time. He exhaled and said in almost a whisper, with the most serious look on his face.. "I know she's out there... somewhere."
I know I will probably never have a chance with her.. She's in love with someone else. I can't blame her. He was a great guy.. She deserved him, he deserved her. They both knew each other so well. Two souls joined together.. that relationship was built to last. There has never been a more perfect couple.
This entry may not make much sense.. I'm sitting here, crying for Amanda, feeling guilty... But I can't help but look at her and fall in love. If I could see Robby right now.. I'd tell him I'm sorry for the way I feel. I'd tell him I'm sorry for stabbing him in the back... I just couldn't help but look into her dark eyes and fall in love.
As Robby put it, there's just something about her.. something hidden deep. A bewitchment that you cannot escape, no matter how strong you are. When she touches you it sends a shock of pleasure up your spine, and if you're lucky enough to look into her eyes... the true spell is cast. You feel sick without her... She becomes your heart's obsession.
She truly is an addictive drug. And I'm a fucking prick.. I ruined the best thing for her. I lost what made her truly happy, what she deserved. I lost my best friend.. the only person who ever understood me.
And I'm sorry for being such a fuck.. I just hope one day they can both forgive me. If they don't, I understand...
(I was going to post this under private, but decided to just post public. I have no reason to hide any fucking thing anymore.)
The past couple of weeks went by so fast.. so much happened. I recall the events, but I'm in the dark. I don't want to believe anything happened. The sick truth is that they did.. I fucking hate the truth. I want it all the be a black lie. A lie would be so much better than the truth. Denial would be the best thing right now, but it's so hard to deny the truth.
Jynx had been my best friend since Freshman year. We met on the rooftop of the band building. We went through a lot of fucked up shit together, but we had so many good times. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything.. He always treated me like I was someone.. like I actually could make it in the world.. I was never just "That fucking stoner." to him. He made me who I am today.. without him I'd be nothing, I'd be dead. And for all that.. I thank him. He gave me the best gift of all in life... He gave me the gift of coming to know my true self.
I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have been. I cry to the point where it aches to close my eyes. I cry out of sorrow, anger, mourning.. and most of all, guilt.
I'm guilty because I think if I hadn't been such a fuck and started showing my true feelings for Amanda, he'd still be here. It was all my fault.. Amanda always resisted until that day, but I believe I pretty much forced myself upon her in a way.
I don't feel sorry for myself or anyone else who has lost a true friend.. I feel sorry for Amanda. She lost someone that meant to world to her over something so idiotic.. over my fucking emotions, over some senseless murder... Nothing was fucking fair. She deserves so much more than that.. She's the most beautiful, talented young woman I have ever met.. She loved him more than anyone else, even if she did know him for a less amount of time. She knew him the most. He was always so happy when she was with him.. and it was likewise.
I remember sitting on the rooftop with him at the end of Sophomore year. Jynx had just broken up with Brig (cunt). We smoked a cigg and talked for a few. I asked him if he had anyone else in mind. He held his cigarette between his fingers and stared out into the distance for a long time. He exhaled and said in almost a whisper, with the most serious look on his face.. "I know she's out there... somewhere."
I know I will probably never have a chance with her.. She's in love with someone else. I can't blame her. He was a great guy.. She deserved him, he deserved her. They both knew each other so well. Two souls joined together.. that relationship was built to last. There has never been a more perfect couple.
This entry may not make much sense.. I'm sitting here, crying for Amanda, feeling guilty... But I can't help but look at her and fall in love. If I could see Robby right now.. I'd tell him I'm sorry for the way I feel. I'd tell him I'm sorry for stabbing him in the back... I just couldn't help but look into her dark eyes and fall in love.
As Robby put it, there's just something about her.. something hidden deep. A bewitchment that you cannot escape, no matter how strong you are. When she touches you it sends a shock of pleasure up your spine, and if you're lucky enough to look into her eyes... the true spell is cast. You feel sick without her... She becomes your heart's obsession.
She truly is an addictive drug. And I'm a fucking prick.. I ruined the best thing for her. I lost what made her truly happy, what she deserved. I lost my best friend.. the only person who ever understood me.
And I'm sorry for being such a fuck.. I just hope one day they can both forgive me. If they don't, I understand...
(I was going to post this under private, but decided to just post public. I have no reason to hide any fucking thing anymore.)