hmmmm....what to do??

[lucky_charm_13]

well, today was sort of eventfull. we had this abstinence(sp?) talk at school. it was pretty funny and it kindda got me thinking. Are Tony and I risking the perfect future that we have planned by being that intimate with eachother. there's soo many risks!! i know that getting an STD from tony is impossible, but here comes the big one......PREGNANCY. we're really careful and use protection and all, but like they say, nothings for sure. i love tony soooo much and i love having that intimate connection with him. i've been thinking about this for like two weeks now. we had this talk with eachother last week, but it really bummed him out. i think it seriously bothered him. it got him thinking too much into it. instead of just thinking that im scared of the consequences and thats it, he felt i didnt want to be intimate with him at all. we've still been pretty intimate and i dont think ive given him reason to think i dont want to be intimate at all. i still want to have "that" and all. i just get scared of how much we have at stake, how much i have at stake. i dont see why he's not more worried about me getting pregnant or something. thats what he shouldve been thinking about instead of me wanting or not to be intimate with him. OF COURSE I DO!!! and on top of all, it seemed that him thinking i didnt want to do "that" with him anymore bugged him more than anything. its stupid of me to think that if we didnt do "that" he'd leave me, but i think it might cause him to distance himself a bit. Plus, since we hd that talk, he seems different sometimes. i really hope that it doesnt have anything to do with that. he has told me when our conversation had something to do with him being out of it. but what if its bothering him other times and he doesnt tell me so that i wont get upset?? i dunno. maybe im just being stupid, but i dunno. i feel bad for thinking like that. i trust him sooo much, with my whole heart! and i know that "that" is not what defines our relationship, nor is it the basis of our love. ive thought about my options. it seems the only option other than abstinence is getting on the pill. i dont want abstinence, but im not too sure about the pill. that kind of thing has long term consequences. what if once we want to have a baby, its really difficult for me to get pregnant because of the pill??

i dunno. all i know is that i LOVE tony and its DUMB for me to think something like this will distance him from me. he says hes gonna marry me one day and i believe him, WHOLE HEARTEDLY!! i just dont want anything to come in between that dream of mine, of his, of OURS.