take back the night

[luckisallugot]

So i finally did it. I finally got up and told the truth. It was so strange hearing everyone tell their stories. I didn't go to it with the intention of telling my own story, but I felt like if i left there that night without getting up I would regret it in so many ways. Pod said she was proud of me. I don't know if I'm necessarily proud though, I'm sort of ashamed in a way. Ashamed that it happened to me. That I never told anyone. For the first time outside of therapy I told the whole truth. That it went on for 4 years, that it caused my ED, that not a day goes by without me thinking about it. I wonder what the people in the audience were thinking when I was talking. I felt like I wasn't making sense. it was a total spontaneous out of body experience. All of a sudden I just found myself up there, and I didn't know what was happening. I don't know how I feel about it all. Everyone else that got up was crying, and I was so numbed out to it all. I didn't feel any emotion about it at all, and I still don't. Afterwards I just went back to my seat and smiled at my roommate. That's all I can give. A smile.

People always say that being thin won't bring happiness. It's not so much about happiness to me, it's about safety. At my thinnest weight, he finally left me alone. How can you say that being thin didn't contribute to that? He was disgusted by the way I looked. I'm so fearful irrationally that if I'm not thin than he will come back. I feel so numbed out to the world right now. I'm confused.