(no subject)
I haven't posted in a really long time..again. So much has gone on in these past three months. I still can't believe it all. I am finalllly going back to school in two weeks and it's such a relief. I am beyond excited and I just can't wait to feel that freedom again. independence.
I'm not sure if I regret having to go back into treatment again. I mean I don't regret it, but I do wish it didn't have to be that way. I never thought I would be "that girl" who couldnt stay in school because of her eating disorder. I honestly still feel like things weren't that bad, that they have been worse. I remember Maria and Heather begging me to go inpatient and I just don't want that anymore. I refused to do that. Inpatient I felt like was this reverse reality, they take you in and give you all this comfort and then throw you to the sharks. Sometimes I feel like thats how day and iop are too. That's the problem with treatment, you get used to having people around who understand and care and can talk to you. And then you have nothing. Nobody gets it. You're alone all over again.
I need to find a therapist in chicago. It's just that I don't even know where to look. I refuse to go back to Amy and have to start talking to empty chairs named Joe. She's crazier than I am.
I want things to be ok in chicago, but I'm so afraid of screwing it up. I don't want to, I truly don't want to. I feel like sometimes my parents are preparing themselves for my hundreth relapse. I mean how many more times can they pay for my fucking treatment when I screw it up anyways. They already asked Heather what to do if I fuck up again. Apparently residential treatment would be their option. That's so frustrating. I refuse to let that happen. I'm not going to get sent away somewhere for months on end in order to fix a problem that so far has been left unfixable.
I just want to be ok again.
I'm not sure if I regret having to go back into treatment again. I mean I don't regret it, but I do wish it didn't have to be that way. I never thought I would be "that girl" who couldnt stay in school because of her eating disorder. I honestly still feel like things weren't that bad, that they have been worse. I remember Maria and Heather begging me to go inpatient and I just don't want that anymore. I refused to do that. Inpatient I felt like was this reverse reality, they take you in and give you all this comfort and then throw you to the sharks. Sometimes I feel like thats how day and iop are too. That's the problem with treatment, you get used to having people around who understand and care and can talk to you. And then you have nothing. Nobody gets it. You're alone all over again.
I need to find a therapist in chicago. It's just that I don't even know where to look. I refuse to go back to Amy and have to start talking to empty chairs named Joe. She's crazier than I am.
I want things to be ok in chicago, but I'm so afraid of screwing it up. I don't want to, I truly don't want to. I feel like sometimes my parents are preparing themselves for my hundreth relapse. I mean how many more times can they pay for my fucking treatment when I screw it up anyways. They already asked Heather what to do if I fuck up again. Apparently residential treatment would be their option. That's so frustrating. I refuse to let that happen. I'm not going to get sent away somewhere for months on end in order to fix a problem that so far has been left unfixable.
I just want to be ok again.