(no subject)
short story part II
we do the hotel movie once a week just so we can shower and watch tv
its the one night a week that i sleep soundless
this week we are in one city next week it will be a different one
we have drug connections all over the country
tonight we drive our dirty black van through a nice clean suburban neighborhood
with nice clean suburban street names
greenbriar lane
maple street
wilson ave
we pull up to a house nice white with dark green shutters a porch with white
wicker furniture a two car garage
we get out of the van and walk around the right side to a basement door and knock
shave and a haircut
your average white suburban male answers the door
'long time no see' he says
'yea' i say 'hows the wife and kids?'
he proceeds to tell me everything
the family is doing well
his oldest son is on the varsity football team starting quarterback next year and
his middle child his only daughter just finished her freshman year and is on the debate team and a member of the junior honor society
his youngest a boy has just learned how to swim
his wife is nagging him to finish the basement and clean the garage
when he speaks of his children you can see the pride spilling out of every pore
and when he speaks of his wife you can hear the loving loathing
he asks us how we have been and i tell him
bored drunk homeless trying to stay out of jail
we sit down on a couch in the unfinished basement for a few minutes as the small talk dwindles
he takes me into another room
he looks me in the eyes
'you look different' he says
'i got new piercings' i say
'no' he says 'you look sadder more desperate'
who the fuck is this guy? edgar fucking casey?
i just tell him that my lifestyle is starting to wear me down
but he doesn't stop
he tells me his life story
how 20 years ago he was just like me
how 20 years ago he did nothing but get fucked up and waste time
how 20 years ago he met this woman that made him want to give her the world
and how 18 years ago that woman told him that she was pregnant
so he worked and went to school found himself something to be good at and
make money doing
he began his pursual of the american dream
i laugh
'so the american dream is being a middle aged family man that peddles illegals to street kids'
he doesn't laugh
'i wouldn't have to sell this shit if it was legal' he says
'i don't do it because i need the money' he says ' i do it because i know that the shit i sell is safe i only provide a hard to find service'
he tells me more about how he never really lost the person he was 20 years ago
but only adapted himself to live a different lifestyle
he tells me to think about it
'yea sure' i say 'lets get down to business'
i buy a quarter ounce of pot
i buy a fifty bag of heroin for my partner in crime even though i would rather not
after the exchange we leave the dealers basement
i'm brooding over what was said and she notices the look on my face
she asks me what i'm thinking about
i ask her if she really cares
i give her the dope and she forgets all about me and gets in the back of the van
i ask her to roll me a joint before she becomes completely useless
she does and then she sets her rig up and puts the poison in her veins and is lost to the world
do i love her?
i don't know i couldn't tell you but i do know i would kill for her steal for her change myself to fit her moods to fit her needs
does she love me?
again i couldn't say but i do know she puts up with my shit she puts up with my mood swings my little fibs she rubs my back after a long day she laughs at my stupid jokes she drives when i'm too drunk to
we find a cheap hotel room and the chaos begins
it starts with her gettting another rig ready
this is something i cannot stomach so i go to the bathroom
i stand there staring in the mirror for a long time
this cannot be as good as it can get
there is no way that this is all there is
i hear the tv turn on and i know she is done
i move to sit on the bed and she cowers away from me
she is looking at me like she doesn't know who i am
this almost always happens
'this is the last time' i say
she just looks at me
'i'm serious' i say
she just looks at me
i take the left over heroin and her equipment
she doesn't move
i break the syringes and i dump the heroin in the toilet
all hell breaks loose
she picks up an empty bottle and chucks it at my head and leaps from the bed
all in one movement screaming like a harpie
her eyes don't see and her hands are around my neck
i wrestle her hands away and pin her down
'i fucking hate you' she screams at me and spits in my face
'i love you' i say calmly
'no you don't you don't even know how' she screams at me
tears are forming in my eyes and one drops to her cheek
i beg her to stop
i plead with her to calm down
she only slams her knee into my groin and gets up and walks out
she returns an hour later with a bottle of vodka
i'm in bed and she walks by me without looking at me and goes into the bathroom
i think she is calm but i know i should just leave her be until she is ready to come to me.
we do the hotel movie once a week just so we can shower and watch tv
its the one night a week that i sleep soundless
this week we are in one city next week it will be a different one
we have drug connections all over the country
tonight we drive our dirty black van through a nice clean suburban neighborhood
with nice clean suburban street names
greenbriar lane
maple street
wilson ave
we pull up to a house nice white with dark green shutters a porch with white
wicker furniture a two car garage
we get out of the van and walk around the right side to a basement door and knock
shave and a haircut
your average white suburban male answers the door
'long time no see' he says
'yea' i say 'hows the wife and kids?'
he proceeds to tell me everything
the family is doing well
his oldest son is on the varsity football team starting quarterback next year and
his middle child his only daughter just finished her freshman year and is on the debate team and a member of the junior honor society
his youngest a boy has just learned how to swim
his wife is nagging him to finish the basement and clean the garage
when he speaks of his children you can see the pride spilling out of every pore
and when he speaks of his wife you can hear the loving loathing
he asks us how we have been and i tell him
bored drunk homeless trying to stay out of jail
we sit down on a couch in the unfinished basement for a few minutes as the small talk dwindles
he takes me into another room
he looks me in the eyes
'you look different' he says
'i got new piercings' i say
'no' he says 'you look sadder more desperate'
who the fuck is this guy? edgar fucking casey?
i just tell him that my lifestyle is starting to wear me down
but he doesn't stop
he tells me his life story
how 20 years ago he was just like me
how 20 years ago he did nothing but get fucked up and waste time
how 20 years ago he met this woman that made him want to give her the world
and how 18 years ago that woman told him that she was pregnant
so he worked and went to school found himself something to be good at and
make money doing
he began his pursual of the american dream
i laugh
'so the american dream is being a middle aged family man that peddles illegals to street kids'
he doesn't laugh
'i wouldn't have to sell this shit if it was legal' he says
'i don't do it because i need the money' he says ' i do it because i know that the shit i sell is safe i only provide a hard to find service'
he tells me more about how he never really lost the person he was 20 years ago
but only adapted himself to live a different lifestyle
he tells me to think about it
'yea sure' i say 'lets get down to business'
i buy a quarter ounce of pot
i buy a fifty bag of heroin for my partner in crime even though i would rather not
after the exchange we leave the dealers basement
i'm brooding over what was said and she notices the look on my face
she asks me what i'm thinking about
i ask her if she really cares
i give her the dope and she forgets all about me and gets in the back of the van
i ask her to roll me a joint before she becomes completely useless
she does and then she sets her rig up and puts the poison in her veins and is lost to the world
do i love her?
i don't know i couldn't tell you but i do know i would kill for her steal for her change myself to fit her moods to fit her needs
does she love me?
again i couldn't say but i do know she puts up with my shit she puts up with my mood swings my little fibs she rubs my back after a long day she laughs at my stupid jokes she drives when i'm too drunk to
we find a cheap hotel room and the chaos begins
it starts with her gettting another rig ready
this is something i cannot stomach so i go to the bathroom
i stand there staring in the mirror for a long time
this cannot be as good as it can get
there is no way that this is all there is
i hear the tv turn on and i know she is done
i move to sit on the bed and she cowers away from me
she is looking at me like she doesn't know who i am
this almost always happens
'this is the last time' i say
she just looks at me
'i'm serious' i say
she just looks at me
i take the left over heroin and her equipment
she doesn't move
i break the syringes and i dump the heroin in the toilet
all hell breaks loose
she picks up an empty bottle and chucks it at my head and leaps from the bed
all in one movement screaming like a harpie
her eyes don't see and her hands are around my neck
i wrestle her hands away and pin her down
'i fucking hate you' she screams at me and spits in my face
'i love you' i say calmly
'no you don't you don't even know how' she screams at me
tears are forming in my eyes and one drops to her cheek
i beg her to stop
i plead with her to calm down
she only slams her knee into my groin and gets up and walks out
she returns an hour later with a bottle of vodka
i'm in bed and she walks by me without looking at me and goes into the bathroom
i think she is calm but i know i should just leave her be until she is ready to come to me.