Christmas
is hot outside and the sun is shinning. It looks like it is a beautiful day but still the feeling is not right.
Christmas Eve has left a bitter taste on my mouth and made my heart care less for a lot of things. Today, Christmas day, seems like it is not going to be an exception. The way the day started seems like everything is turning upside down.
My family, I love them, but they are so dysfunctional that they make my head hurt and my heart race. The other day, as I wrapped Christmas gifts, I kept imagining Christmas day, and all of us opening our presents one at a time, and each of us giving thanks to the other person. I was having hopes for all of us to be together happy and thankful. What happened yesterday and what is happening today has made me realized we humans are forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. I feel that I haven't forgotten, but the people around me has. I am not saying I am perfect, cause I am not. I have so many problems, not just physical, but emotional and psychological too. Sometimes the only way to deal with those problems is just to shut myself away from people.
The other day while I was going to the store I was observing people's actions. I noticed lots of parents taking their kids to get their Christmas presents, which I find quiet stupid. I know everyone has their own way of thinking, but hell, aren't those presents suppose to be surprises? another thing I saw, is how frantic people act to get the presents at the last minute. They act as if their lives depended on the buying of the last minute present. It is kinda sad, to see people buying huge expensive presents, lots of presents and acting like their lives are on the line if they dont buy those presents. I think people should instead, teach their kids values, of caring, giving, appreciation and best of all, the true meaning of Christmas. The 23rd a friend of my mom was all frantic cause she couldnt find the present that her kids wanted, I remember butting in and asking if they didnt have any presents, and she said that they did, but that they also liked to provide the kids with a big gift, ( meaning expensive one) and besides they also were going to receive the one from Santa, I was in shock, I bluntly said, well you can get that any other day, nothing will happen to them if they dont receive that "big present". She was horrified, not by my response but of the thought of not getting the kids what they wanted. I was repulsed by it, they are clearly teaching the kids that on Christmas time is time to demand something and not caring how parents are going to get it.
Going back to my Christmas. Yesterday, when I came home I found hour Christmas tree had been raid. By the way, we had a real one this year, which I oppose of. It takes years for those pine tree to grow and for what? be cut down and later one discard them on an empty lot; I hate to see that, people dont even dispose of them properly.
Ok, as I was saying, our tree was full of presents and yesterday it had only a few. What I was hoping for didnt happened. Everyone took off to different directions and took their presents with them. Damn! it was not even Christmas! it was Christmas Eve! for Christs sake! well until now I still dont know, if they liked the presents I got them, or if they gave them away to someone else or worst, discard of them. I havent received a thank you from no one, actually my mother was the only one that thank me, that didnt even made me feel any better. The only ones present at home last night it was me and my mother. She opened her present today, I havent opened mine, which is only one. It made me sad, that not even my mother got me a present, each Birthday, and Christmas she tells me, that she owes me my present, last night was no exception, but this time I plain told her as I wrapped a gift for my brother and my sister in-law, that she always did that, but she would never forget to get gifts for everyone else. I know they are not the most greatest gifts that she gets for the others, but sometimes I expect a little something, that would show me that she appreciates that I never forget to get her something, no matter how upset I am sometimes.
Most of the times I appreciate people for their actions and not for their words. I always expect, at least a small thing to show me that people care and appreciate me. This year, I only sent 1 Christmas card; the first time I saw it, I thought it was perfect for that person. The card was not of big value but the words it had on it were simple and hopeful and the image on it, brought a smile to my face. I remembered this person, cause she has taken her time to reply me whenever I annoy her and to share things that had made me smile. I just wish I could had given her more, to show her that I really appreciate that she takes the time to deal with me.
I had given up on my family but I am always looking for whoever is willing to be part of my craziness.
I was thinking if I am still alive next year ( cause u never know what tomorrow could bring), to do things differently. The most probable thing will be not to give my family any gifts, but instead do something that would be more meaningful to someone else. I am always hopeful that with the start of a New Year for things to be different, but until now it hasn't change and the past years.
I apologize if what I write most of the time dont make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I have a problem cause sometimes what I write does not make sense to me either. I have noticed that I write words that I was not even thinking about writing.
Either that or is that I am totally stupid. I know lots of people think that, cause of the way they respond or by the lack of response. I accept that I am not the brightest person out there, but I am sensible.
by the way Merry Christmas
Christmas Eve has left a bitter taste on my mouth and made my heart care less for a lot of things. Today, Christmas day, seems like it is not going to be an exception. The way the day started seems like everything is turning upside down.
My family, I love them, but they are so dysfunctional that they make my head hurt and my heart race. The other day, as I wrapped Christmas gifts, I kept imagining Christmas day, and all of us opening our presents one at a time, and each of us giving thanks to the other person. I was having hopes for all of us to be together happy and thankful. What happened yesterday and what is happening today has made me realized we humans are forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. I feel that I haven't forgotten, but the people around me has. I am not saying I am perfect, cause I am not. I have so many problems, not just physical, but emotional and psychological too. Sometimes the only way to deal with those problems is just to shut myself away from people.
The other day while I was going to the store I was observing people's actions. I noticed lots of parents taking their kids to get their Christmas presents, which I find quiet stupid. I know everyone has their own way of thinking, but hell, aren't those presents suppose to be surprises? another thing I saw, is how frantic people act to get the presents at the last minute. They act as if their lives depended on the buying of the last minute present. It is kinda sad, to see people buying huge expensive presents, lots of presents and acting like their lives are on the line if they dont buy those presents. I think people should instead, teach their kids values, of caring, giving, appreciation and best of all, the true meaning of Christmas. The 23rd a friend of my mom was all frantic cause she couldnt find the present that her kids wanted, I remember butting in and asking if they didnt have any presents, and she said that they did, but that they also liked to provide the kids with a big gift, ( meaning expensive one) and besides they also were going to receive the one from Santa, I was in shock, I bluntly said, well you can get that any other day, nothing will happen to them if they dont receive that "big present". She was horrified, not by my response but of the thought of not getting the kids what they wanted. I was repulsed by it, they are clearly teaching the kids that on Christmas time is time to demand something and not caring how parents are going to get it.
Going back to my Christmas. Yesterday, when I came home I found hour Christmas tree had been raid. By the way, we had a real one this year, which I oppose of. It takes years for those pine tree to grow and for what? be cut down and later one discard them on an empty lot; I hate to see that, people dont even dispose of them properly.
Ok, as I was saying, our tree was full of presents and yesterday it had only a few. What I was hoping for didnt happened. Everyone took off to different directions and took their presents with them. Damn! it was not even Christmas! it was Christmas Eve! for Christs sake! well until now I still dont know, if they liked the presents I got them, or if they gave them away to someone else or worst, discard of them. I havent received a thank you from no one, actually my mother was the only one that thank me, that didnt even made me feel any better. The only ones present at home last night it was me and my mother. She opened her present today, I havent opened mine, which is only one. It made me sad, that not even my mother got me a present, each Birthday, and Christmas she tells me, that she owes me my present, last night was no exception, but this time I plain told her as I wrapped a gift for my brother and my sister in-law, that she always did that, but she would never forget to get gifts for everyone else. I know they are not the most greatest gifts that she gets for the others, but sometimes I expect a little something, that would show me that she appreciates that I never forget to get her something, no matter how upset I am sometimes.
Most of the times I appreciate people for their actions and not for their words. I always expect, at least a small thing to show me that people care and appreciate me. This year, I only sent 1 Christmas card; the first time I saw it, I thought it was perfect for that person. The card was not of big value but the words it had on it were simple and hopeful and the image on it, brought a smile to my face. I remembered this person, cause she has taken her time to reply me whenever I annoy her and to share things that had made me smile. I just wish I could had given her more, to show her that I really appreciate that she takes the time to deal with me.
I had given up on my family but I am always looking for whoever is willing to be part of my craziness.
I was thinking if I am still alive next year ( cause u never know what tomorrow could bring), to do things differently. The most probable thing will be not to give my family any gifts, but instead do something that would be more meaningful to someone else. I am always hopeful that with the start of a New Year for things to be different, but until now it hasn't change and the past years.
I apologize if what I write most of the time dont make sense. Sometimes I wonder if I have a problem cause sometimes what I write does not make sense to me either. I have noticed that I write words that I was not even thinking about writing.
Either that or is that I am totally stupid. I know lots of people think that, cause of the way they respond or by the lack of response. I accept that I am not the brightest person out there, but I am sensible.
by the way Merry Christmas
