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I don't want a boyfriend, but I want love. A boyfriend is definitely something you should have before having love. To acquire the boyfriend... not so difficult... but finding your soul mate is. I know I shouldn't live my life day to day depressed with out my soul mate, but that's all I really want in life. This is why I'm changing my priorities
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I know how you feel. I've walked as long as I can remember, empty. You feel like nothing you do or think or say has any meaning if it isn't shared with someone that means something, and cares about how you feel. That no joy may come of wonders that cannot be shared. This can throw a great shadow over every aspect of life, if you let it. And how easy it is to just wrap yourself up in despair, alone and dark and silent. To wall yourself in with bricks of longing and desire, only to leave yourself portal out. So you sit there in your tower of cold stone, and wait for someone to break through, and rescue you from your longing. But every night that finds you sitting, arms around your knees and tears fighting for release, is a nightmare.
Here's something I wrote one of those nights: http://www.livejournal.com/users/the_downtrodden/1377.html
I dunno if you feel the same as me, but that's how I've felt. But I'm learning to live with myself, for what it's worth. I've had someone very close to me who tore my world apart, and I'm still trying to find some sense of who I am, and what I am. I truely miss having someone close that I can share the wonder of the moment with, but I'm trying best I can to live without that for as long as it takes to find the real thing. I want someone who loves me for me, but I think I have to discover what makes me me, and what that means. This has helped me, I think. Trying to learn about myself, and who I am. I don't feel as along, now that I'm building something up inside myself, after I laid my bricks down. Right now, I would give anything just for someone to share a moment with, who would understand what that meant. But, we cannot force these things. So, patience must rule.
I think changing your priorities over something like this is something you shouldn't do lightly. We're all still growing, in so many ways, and changing how you look at life is a profound change that must not be due solely to a conscious effort. We all have pressures inside forming us in strange ways, so we mustn't let ourselves bend in ways we wouldn't bend ourselves.
I don't mean to presume, or tell you how to live life. I'm only trying to give you my feelings on things, trying to help. You haven't asked my opinion, and I won't force it upon you, so I'm only offering it as a friend would. I would like to be your friend, if it would please you. You don't know me, but I might surprise you, given the chance. You may talk with me about anything you want, if you want, without fear of judgement or derision. I promise you nothing less than a willing ear, understanding, and compassion. I just want you to know that I understand you, and that I care. I wish you peace.
-Zane
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