Jan 14, 2011 21:43
Title: The Rain
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: NC-17 occasionally
Warnings: some violence and horror elements
Summary: AI8 tour. Adam is involved in a serious car accident that leaves him struggling to recover emotionally. Kris tries to help but is soon dealing with his own internal crisis.
Chapter 15
Kris had his first hint something was wrong when he clapped Adam on the shoulder as they were leaving the stage, and Adam ducked out from under the touch without looking at him.
What the hell?
He watched Adam stride off toward his dressing room. Something had changed. Kris hesitated a second, then decided he wasn’t going to let it go. He’d just gotten communication opened up, and whatever Adam had cooked up to derail it was not going to fly. He stalked after him.
The dressing room door was shut by the time Kris got there, but he opened it without knocking. Adam had just taken his vest off and turned at the sound of the door. For a second, surprised, Adam’s face was open, and Kris saw the wounded animal. Then it was gone, replaced with that perfect poise that was one of Adam's most miraculous accomplishments.
“You’re really having trouble with this knocking thing. I guess I need to lock my door.”
Kris cut right to the chase. “What’s wrong?”
Adam gave a toss of his head that was probably meant for defiance, but somehow only revealed his vulnerability and was painful to see.
“I saw the way you looked at me,” Adam said. “I know what you were thinking.” He stared challengingly, daring Kris to contradict him.
Saw me looking-oh, God, when he was lying on the couch. Kris’ face slowly flushed.
Kris could see Adam read his embarrassment. Adam gave a little smile as his surmise was confirmed. “So let’s stop playing this game.” His eyes were drills, and Kris’ heart began to pound. He’s gonna call me on it. He’s gonna take it to next level. What am I gonna do? I could have him. Right now. Should I do it? Arousal coursed through him, drenched with the adrenalin of fear.
“I understand why you’re pretending to feel something other than what you feel. But it doesn’t really work, does it? You feel what you feel.” Adam’s voice had gotten tight, and there was a sparkle of tear in one eye.
“I can’t help it,” Kris said weakly. “I’ve tried…not to.”
A silent, bitter chuckle emerged. The tear fell.
Confusion began to take hold in Kris' mind. Why is he upset? Kris just had time to think it, when Adam spoke again. “Go. Go. You’re free. That’s it. You owe me nothing. Thank you for trying to help. I’ll be fine. It’ll take a while, but I’ll get there. And to tell you the truth, you hanging around and feeling the way you do only hurts more in the end.”
Kris tried to decipher it. Because he knows I want him, but won’t act on it, it’s better if I’m not around?
“I’m sorry." Kris couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice. "This has-this has been really difficult for me. I’ve been trying to…redefine my understanding of myself. I’ve been trying to figure-“
“Don’t try,” Adam said fiercely. “Your feelings are real. They’re not something you can imagine away. So just accept it.”
Kris’ heart pounded harder. “But I’m afraid.”
Adam looked at him in astonishment. “Afraid of what? Look, it’s not on you, okay? It’s my problem. You didn’t cause it, and you can’t fix. Just leave me alone. Cause having you be nice to me out of pity is worse than being alone. I don’t need the extra crap to deal with. I really don't.”
Understanding began to dawn on Kris, along with a sense of horror. Oh my God, I was about to tell him.
There was a knock at the door. “Adam? It’s Samantha.”
"Course it is," Adam muttered and flung the door open.
She looked up, startled. "Everything okay?" Her gaze went from Adam's face to Kris'.
"No, it's not. But what else is fucking new?" Adam snapped.
"It isn't necessary to talk to me like that. I just wanted to find out if you wanted to go out and greet fans. There's quite a line for you. But it sounds like this is not the night for it."
"No, I think I'd like to talk to somebody who wants to talk to me. Let me just shower and change and I'll be out there." He grabbed some folded clothes off the dressing table and walked out.
Samantha looked at Kris and shook her head. She started to go, then stopped. "Was he yelling at you? Did he threaten you?"
"No. No no, not at all."
"Why was he mad when he opened the door?"
"He, uh, thinks I don't want to be around him. He's misunderstood something I did. I don't know what it was, but...we'll figure it out."
"I don't want you getting hurt. I just don't feel good about what he's gonna do. I don't think he knows what he's gonna do."
"He's hurt. That's all. It's not hard to understand. He's the same person he always was. I'm not gonna walk away from him. I don't care what he thinks, or anybody thinks."
She regarded him. "You know, Mr. Allen, it's hard not to like you." She headed away.
* * *
The air was heavy with the promise of summer rain, and the sounds of diesel engines and equipment being moved echoed off the arena walls and across the wide parking lot. Kris was still giving autographs and talking to fans when Geoff came striding toward him after a discussion with Samantha and the bus drivers. He beckoned Kris away for a private conversation.
“We’re not gonna drive on tonight. You’re gonna go back to the hotel. There’s a big storm system supposed to be right where we’re driving, and I’m not gonna take everybody through it at night. We’ll plan on leaving by 10am tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure.”
Geoff headed off to tell the others. Most of the fan gatherings were gone, except for Adam’s which still crowded the barricade. Adam smiled and worked his way along the line, engaging everyone. Again, Kris marveled at his ability to project serene confidence under apparently any circumstances.
Five minutes later, Kris waved goodbye to the last of his fans and headed for the bus. Everyone but Adam was already on board. Geoff stood on the steps of the men’s bus and stepped aside to let Kris pass.
“All aboard. Let’s get outa here.”
Kris glanced back. “What about Adam?”
"He wants to finish up with the fans. Samantha and Raj have to wrap up some things. He’ll come back with them." Geoff nodded at the tour van, parked near the stage entrance.
Kris didn’t move. The picture of Adam in the van with Raj, who disliked him, and Samantha, who couldn’t handle him, wasn't a good one.
“Something wrong?” Geoff said.
“I think…I think I’ll stay and come back with them.”
Geoff looked at him skeptically. “You sure?” He glanced at Adam’s adoring mob. “That could be a while.”
“Yeah. I’ll wait. No problem.” He smiled and stepped away from the bus. Waved at Matt and Danny, who watched him from the windows.
Matt mouthed, "What's going on?" and Kris pointed at Adam and yelled, "I'm gonna ride with them!"
Matt nodded and Danny turned away from the window to spare himself the sight of Kris' tragic self-destruction.
“All right. I’ll see you tomorrow at ten then.” Geoff got onto the bus, and in a minute it pulled away. Kris wandered over to the tour van and climbed in to wait.
A few minutes later Kris was sorry he'd chosen the van as a location when Raj got in. He flung himself dramatically into the driver's seat. "Oh my God, what a day! You are so lucky," he informed Kris, who was sitting in the back seat. "All you little Idols have to do is sing for 10 minutes and your work day is over. You get driven here, driven there. Everybody caters to you. Oooff! How do I get that gig?"
"Audition," Kris said.
Raj' eyes flicked suspiciously to the rear-view mirror, but Kris kept his expression sincere. Raj made a sarcastic face, then looked out the window toward Adam, who was still talking to fans. A heavy sigh followed. "Such a prima donna. Honestly. Doesn't he have a thought for anybody else? I am exhausted. So much press."
Samantha climbed into the front passenger seat and spotted Kris in the back and smiled. "You waiting for your buddy?"
"We're all waiting for his boyfriend."
Raj missed the brow she raised at him because his eyes were closed in misery. She said with a smile to Kris, "I hadn't heard you and Adam were officially an item."
"Oh please," Raj said, "they've been sharing a room for weeks. You can't pry them apart in the dressing rooms. It's really kind of offensive."
Kris was getting seriously annoyed, and when Samantha looked back for his reaction, she simply turned around again and asked Raj, "Why do you say things when you know they're not true?"
He looked at her with wide-eyed faux-frankness, "Believe me, I know it isn't Kris. Everybody knows who the problem is. Everybody knows who we have to tiptoe around. Don't upset him. Don't put pressure on him. So fucking delicate. Can't ride in a car. Can't ask him to do anything. He's milking this boo-hoo-I-was-in-a-car-accident thing for more than I can even believe. I know Geoff's buying it, but I see what it is, and I'm sick of it. I feel sorry for Kris, to tell you the truth. I'm sure the word's come down that he needs to do whatever it takes to keep the diva happy."
Samantha cut off Kris' response. "You know what?" she said. "We're not gonna talk. We're just gonna wait."
"At the end of a 16 hour day," Raj sniffed.
"Oh for God's sake, I had to wake you up at 3:00 to come down here."
They sat in charged silence for another 20 minutes, until a rear door opened and Adam said, "Sorry, you guys. Thanks for waiting."
Then he froze, staring at Kris. "Why're you here?"
"That's nice," Raj said. "You want to get in so we can go?"
The first spatters of rain hit the window.
Adam climbed in, his face shuttered. He had cards and gifts from fans and set them on the seat between he and Kris. Kris waited for him to look up, but he turned away, staring out the window.
“Oh, come on!” Raj yelled, as an equipment truck began a laborious Y-turn in front of them, delaying them further.
A billow of wind made the rain wave like a curtain, and now the drops fell steadily, patting against the windows and roof.
* * *
Why did Kris have to be there? Why couldn’t he just leave him alone?
Adam stared out the window. His view of the parking lot began to dapple with raindrops.
An icy draught shivered across his skin, and the smell of wet earth seemed to come from somewhere.
The sound of rain began very faintly. A far away tapping. A very tiny sound. Grief surged into him, powerfully and unexpectedly. It was almost a physical pain, and he drew a deep, shuddering breath.
"What is it?" Kris asked.
The rain began driving down. Adam felt like his chest had been ripped open. The sound took him straight back.
Kris said something else, but his voice was far away.
Drops exploded on the ground, relentless liquid bullets.
Rain thrilled on the roof of the van. The sound of rain on metal.
On the underside of the car. Rain that never stopped.
The car on top of him. The whole mass crushing him. He couldn't draw air into his lungs.
The deafening drumming. The stench of blood. Hands agonized with cold.
Then the deepest chill he had ever felt, right through his body. And he knew she was there, beside him. God. No.
“Help me,” she whispered.
Her fingers were wet, and they slid around his arm. He fought to move and somehow twisted to face her. The flesh was ripped from the bone on half her face.
“Carrie.”
“Help me!" Bubbles of blood formed between her teeth as she spoke. "I don’t want to die.”
“There’s nothing I can do,” he whispered
“Adam, help me. Help me, please. Don’t let me die! Help me!” she screamed, and sprayed him with blood.
“I can't help you!”
She grabbed at him like a drowning person.
* * *
When it was obvious Adam wasn’t going to look at him, Kris sighed and stared out his own window. The truck ahead of them inched forward and back, painfully working out its turn.
The rain began to come down harder.
Beside him, Adam took a long, shuddering breath.
Kris turned in alarm. "What is it?"
Adam stared ahead of him, his face slack. He wavered in his seat, then doubled over, with his hands over his ears.
“Adam…”
Adam rocked back and forth, and a keening sound came very faintly from him. His whole body shook.
Samantha looked over the back seat. “What’s going on?”
The truck pulled out of their path, and Raj hit the gas, jumping the van forward.
Kris leaned forward and grabbed Adam's arm. “Adam, it’s okay.”
He turned toward Kris, with an expression Kris had never seen in anyone. There was no recognition, no reason.
“Carrie.”
Kris felt a sick bolt of terror and Samantha met his eyes for a panicked instant. “Raj, stop the car!" she ordered.
Raj made a disgusted sound. “I’m not stopping the car. He can have his tantrum.”
“There’s nothing I can do,” Adam whispered
“Adam, can you hear me?” Kris said. “Do you see me?”
“I can't help you!” Adam screamed with a sound that shattered the air in the car. Raj jumped and the van swerved. “What the hell?”
With all his strength, Adam flung himself backward, away from Kris, and smashed into the door, his head hitting with window with an awful crack. Kris reached forward and grabbed him by the shoulders to try to restrain him, but Adam smashed a forearm across his face. Kris flew back, stunned.
“Stop the car!” Samantha shouted.
Adam writhed and scrabbled at the door handle.
Raj hit the master lock control, sealing the doors shut. “This is an act, and it’s bullsh-“
With amazing speed for a person his size, Adam went over the back of the seat, into the cargo area. He crashed into the van’s rear doors as if he didn’t see them.
Kris tried to clear his head and sit up. “Adam, stop! Listen to me!”
“Raj, stop the fucking car!” Samantha yelled.
Raj slammed on the brakes, and Kris and Samantha were both tossed into their seat belts. Adam hit the seat back.
"What the fuck is the matter with you?" Samantha screamed at Raj.
Then Adam's boots were kicking at one of the rear windows. It exploded in a shower of safety glass.
As Kris grabbed for his seat belt, Adam pulled himself through the window and vanished into the dark.
the rain,
kradam