The Rain - Chapter 13
Title: The Rain
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: NC-17 occasionally
Warnings: some violence and horror elements
Summary: AI8 tour. Adam is involved in a serious car accident that leaves him struggling to recover emotionally. Kris tries to help but is soon dealing with his own internal crisis.
Chapter 13
In the cool pre-dawn, they unloaded from the bus and shuffled to the hotel. Kris avoided looking at Adam, his dream still thick in his mind.
“Hey. You okay?” somebody said.
“Hey!”
Kris looked around to see Adam stumble to his hands and knees. Danny, Michael and Anoop gathered around. Matt knelt beside him and gently put a hand on his back. “Adam?”
Adam just stayed there, blankly facing the pavement. Everyone traded looks.
Geoff jumped down the bus steps and ran to him.
“I’m all right,” Adam said. His voice was ghostly.
Kris unfroze his feet and hurried over. Is he drugged? Are the pills too strong? He got down where he could look into Adam’s face.
“What happened? Did the ground come up and hit you?” Kris tried to put a smile in his voice.
The reaction wasn’t what he was hoping. Adam closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself and began to cry silently.
People glanced around, distraught and uncertain what to do. Matt ran a hand over his face. Geoff looked desperately at Kris.
Like I know what to do!
He put an arm around Adam’s shoulders and pulled him against his chest.
“It’s okay. You’re right here. You’re safe. You’ve got friends around you. We love you.”
For a moment that seemed to make the crying harder. Then Adam pushed back. “I’m all right. I’m sorry.”
He lurched to his feet.
“I’m all right.”
Adam shouldered his bag headed for the hotel, limping slightly and unsteady. Everyone watched him go. Then they all looked at Kris.
He shook his head in rejection of their expectation, in frustration at his own helplessness. In misery at his state of mind. And followed Adam toward the hotel.
Inside, Samantha was handing out room keys. Kris grabbed his and caught up with Adam as he reached his own room and pushed open the door. Adam gave no indication he was aware of Kris at all.
Kris followed him inside. They both dropped their bags to the floor. Adam’s face looked like he had made a mildly interesting discovery as turned vaguely toward Kris.
“I can’t do this.”
His eyes stayed focused on nothing. He shook his head slightly. “I can’t do this.”
Without another word, he sat on the bed, then lay on his side, unmoving and eyes open.
It was vividly like the way Kris had first seen him in the hospital after the crash.
“Adam!” Kris crouched by the bed and shook him.
Adam’s eyes finally showed some life as he looked at Kris in faint surprise.
“You stay with me! You hear me? Do not go away again. You can do this. I’ll help you. Anything I can do, I will.” He took Adam’s hand firmly and had a sudden flash from his dream: fingers intertwined; a warm mouth. He drew a sharp breath and saw Adam’s eyes register it. Kris quickly folded his other hand around Adam’s to counter any suggestion he was recoiling at the contact.
“I’m with you. And we can beat this,” he vowed, with as much confidence as his tired, confused mind could muster.
Adam didn’t answer. Just lay there, watching him. But there was thought behind his eyes; he was present.
“Just stay with me,” Kris said softly. And felt Adam’s hand squeeze back.
That simple response tore a crack in the wall Kris had put around his own emotional turmoil. A wall he had built attempting to control his own unhappiness to keep it from showing and doing any harm to Adam, who was already dealing with more than he could handle. Kris’ head came down to the bed and he felt tears sting his eyes. It was too much. Adam’s disintegration, his own uncontrollable obsession, trying to help Adam and fix himself and no idea how to do either.
He pressed his face into the bed, trying to dry the tears. Can’t let him know I’m upset. He won’t know what to do, and it’ll make him feel worse.
He felt Adam’s hand gently touch his head, and felt his hair tickled with a kiss, light as breath.
Kris’ heart seemed to stop for a moment. Instead of the panic he expected to feel, the tension flowed out of him, to be replaced by something warm, and an absurdly unjustified sense of well-being.
He looked up and found Adam almost leaning back, watching him warily. Adam’s eyes took in the tears in a millisecond.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Adam said softly. “Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m just tired. Didn’t get much sleep on the bus. And I can see you’re wiped out from trying to help and everything I’ve put you through. “ He freed his hand to sit up. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
Kris wiped at his face and stood up and suddenly Adam was on his feet and Kris was being hugged. It was a wonderful, rejuvenating feeling, but through the emotional euphoria ran a powerful sensuality. He could smell the soap Adam had showered with after the show and under it the faint tang of lingering sweat, feel the tall warmth he had felt so intensely in his dreams. He was deeply comforted. He was deeply uncomfortable.
Suddenly aware he wasn’t responding, he returned the hug. But Adam was already stepping back, quickly busying himself heaving his bag onto a chair and sitting down to take his boots off. “I’m just gonna go to bed. You might as well find your room. I’m sure you’re tired.”
Kris cursed inwardly. Sat down on the bed to make it clear he wasn’t leaving. “Why do you think you couldn’t sleep on the bus?”
He didn’t miss the flicker in Adam’s eyes. It was fear. But if he hadn’t seen it, he would have suspected nothing from his voice, speaking with weary casualness. “Oh, just, the bouncing and the beds aren’t really comfortable. I can’t really stretch out.” He unzipped his bag and pulled out a bag of toiletries.
“Adam.”
Blue eyes looked straight into his.
“You have to tell me the truth. I think-I know-there’s something, maybe a lot, that you’re not telling anybody. And I don’t think it’s going to get any better until you share it with somebody. I think you have to get it out.”
Seconds went by. Adam never changed expression. Then his face melted into a sweet smile. “Is that what you think?” He took the toiletries bag and vanished into the bathroom.
He followed Adam into the bathroom, too tired and too off-balance for tact.
“I don’t understand. Do you want to get better? Or is this some kind of a fun game, where you get attention?”
Adam whirled, shocked. For a moment he was completely still, yet Kris would have sworn everything about him was in violent motion. He stood in half-step toward Kris, his hair tossed from the speed of his turn, his hands low but flared away from his sides like a dancer. His eyes seemed to be crazily illuminated from within.
He finished the step toward Kris, who was suddenly aware how often Adam leaned down to minimize the difference in their heights.
“You have no idea,” Adam whispered.
“Well then give me an idea!” Kris said.
“NO!” Adam swung a fist sideways and slammed it into the mirror, which cracked loudly. “You don’t even like me!”
Kris flinched but did not retreat. “Adam,“ he appealed. “You know that isn’t true! Give me a chance. You’re completely misreading me.”
“Why don’t you just leave me alone? I don’t need your pity, and I don’t need your contempt. Just get out of here!”
Kris met those crazy eyes. “No.”
Adam moved. Kris was astonished by the strength. Adam lifted him off his feet and shoved him backward. Kris saw him glance quickly for a place to throw him, but some spark of reason was alive enough to make him choose the bed. As Kris grabbed at Adam’s arms for some kind of support, Adam heaved again and flung him onto the bed.
Kris landed on his back, and Adam spun away.
A second later he turned back. He gave a long stare at Kris on the bed, and there was no mistaking the look on his face.
Kris put every bit of athleticism he had into a roll that took him off the bed and onto his feet on the other side.
The two of the stared at each other for a long moment, both breathing hard. Then Adam started to laugh, low and barely controlled. He turned back into the bathroom and slammed the door. Kris heard it lock.
He took a shaky step and sat on a little wooden chair by a writing desk. Sitting on the bed didn’t appeal to him at all at the moment.
He waited for his heart rate to return to normal. I am in too deep. And I have no idea how to get out.
* * *
Adam sat on the bathroom counter and closed his eyes. All the strength of will he had was focused on remaining still. On not letting the crash of rage and terror and grief that reverberated in his mind become action. A cracked mirror hung behind him, a tiny testament to the storm he fought to control.
Kris, you’ve got to go away.
At the same time, he knew Kris was his only hope of salvation. If Kris was there, the whispers were driven back.
The whispers are in your mind.
It doesn’t matter. I’m afraid of my mind. My own mind is my enemy.
A sudden, brilliant vision of Kris sprawled on the bed, legs splayed.
He felt a rush of blood to his groin.
“No.” He shook his head. He couldn’t think of Kris like that.
Self-control was a battered memory. He was charged with emotion, and the image of Kris gave it all focus. His pants were getting tighter by the second, and he pressed his hand against himself, rocking slightly.
“Great,” he muttered. “Just great.”
He stood up from the counter and stripped his clothes off. Stepped over them and into the shower, wonderfully hot and strong. Then dropped to his knees and reached down to give himself some relief.
* * *
Kris heard the water go on. Adam had already showered at the venue, but he was probably taking another as a way of calming down. It was an appealing idea.
Kris had a flash of his dream of Adam in the shower, and remembered the feel of the rough, wet denim under his hand.
God, I am obsessed. He stood up.
What do I do? Go to my room?
In a situation where he was sure of almost nothing, he was sure that Adam needed somebody there. He was way too fractured to be on his own.
And what if he comes out that door in the same mood he went in?
Maybe I should stay in the hallway. I could kind of escape if I had to.
This is completely ridiculous. And on that thought, he grabbed the spare pillow and blanket from the closet and tossed them onto the hallway floor, kicked off his shoes, and made an uncomfortable bed on hard, thin carpet. I’m either the greatest friend in the world, or the biggest idiot. Yeah, since I helped create this situation, it’s biggest idiot.
The shower ran for a long time, and finally Adam emerged from the bathroom. He had a towel around his waist and glanced around, apparently concluding he was alone. He sighed, and on his face was a hopeless sadness Kris had never seen.
“You are really a bathroom hog,” Kris said.
Once again he managed to startle Adam, who stared at him as if he were a ghost. Kris got up from the floor with his toothbrush and slipped past Adam to go into the bathroom.
“Other people need to go to sleep too, you know,” he informed him. “How come it takes you an hour to brush your teeth?”
“It doesn’t. Why aren’t you in your room?”
“I’m staying here tonight.”
Adam looked over at the pillow and blanket.
“On the floor? That’s crazy. You have a bed to sleep in. You don’t need to stay with me. I’m fine.”
Kris’ mouth was fully involved with his toothbrush, but he managed an eye-roll.
“Look, I’m fine. You-“ Adam just stopped. He seemed to run out of energy, or maybe just the weight of the lie was too much. “Okay, well you take the bed,” he ended softly.
Kris finished brushing and rinsed out his mouth before answering. “Just don’t argue for once. Go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” He looked over, but Adam was nowhere in sight.
When he got to the doorway he saw that Adam had taken his pillow and blanket on the floor.
“Adam. Get in the bed.”
“Are you ordering me to bed?” It was a weary, but unquestionably coy glance.
“I am.”
“Well, I like hearing it. But I’m staying here. Night night, Krissy.”
“Adam. Don’t be a jerk. You need rest more than I do.”
“And you’re keeping me up. Could you turn the lights out?”
There wasn’t much Kris could do. He couldn’t drag Adam onto the bed. If he made him mad enough to get up, that would hardly result in his being cooperative. If Kris refused to use the bed, Kris knew very well Adam still wouldn’t use it. He was the most stubborn person Kris had ever met.
“Why do you always have to be in control?”
“It’s the natural order of things.”
Kris laughed out loud. It occurred to him as he pulled the covers back, that by getting into the bed, he was putting himself exactly where he didn’t want to be. And if Adam had an impulse in a couple hours, he would be very vulnerable.
This is what you get for chasing him away when all he wanted to do was talk.
He grabbed one of the pillows from the bed and threw it at Adam’s head. Turned out the lights and climbed into the bed.
“Night, Adam.”
“Night, Kris.”
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Rating: NC-17 occasionally
Warnings: some violence and horror elements
Summary: AI8 tour. Adam is involved in a serious car accident that leaves him struggling to recover emotionally. Kris tries to help but is soon dealing with his own internal crisis.
Chapter 13
In the cool pre-dawn, they unloaded from the bus and shuffled to the hotel. Kris avoided looking at Adam, his dream still thick in his mind.
“Hey. You okay?” somebody said.
“Hey!”
Kris looked around to see Adam stumble to his hands and knees. Danny, Michael and Anoop gathered around. Matt knelt beside him and gently put a hand on his back. “Adam?”
Adam just stayed there, blankly facing the pavement. Everyone traded looks.
Geoff jumped down the bus steps and ran to him.
“I’m all right,” Adam said. His voice was ghostly.
Kris unfroze his feet and hurried over. Is he drugged? Are the pills too strong? He got down where he could look into Adam’s face.
“What happened? Did the ground come up and hit you?” Kris tried to put a smile in his voice.
The reaction wasn’t what he was hoping. Adam closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around himself and began to cry silently.
People glanced around, distraught and uncertain what to do. Matt ran a hand over his face. Geoff looked desperately at Kris.
Like I know what to do!
He put an arm around Adam’s shoulders and pulled him against his chest.
“It’s okay. You’re right here. You’re safe. You’ve got friends around you. We love you.”
For a moment that seemed to make the crying harder. Then Adam pushed back. “I’m all right. I’m sorry.”
He lurched to his feet.
“I’m all right.”
Adam shouldered his bag headed for the hotel, limping slightly and unsteady. Everyone watched him go. Then they all looked at Kris.
He shook his head in rejection of their expectation, in frustration at his own helplessness. In misery at his state of mind. And followed Adam toward the hotel.
Inside, Samantha was handing out room keys. Kris grabbed his and caught up with Adam as he reached his own room and pushed open the door. Adam gave no indication he was aware of Kris at all.
Kris followed him inside. They both dropped their bags to the floor. Adam’s face looked like he had made a mildly interesting discovery as turned vaguely toward Kris.
“I can’t do this.”
His eyes stayed focused on nothing. He shook his head slightly. “I can’t do this.”
Without another word, he sat on the bed, then lay on his side, unmoving and eyes open.
It was vividly like the way Kris had first seen him in the hospital after the crash.
“Adam!” Kris crouched by the bed and shook him.
Adam’s eyes finally showed some life as he looked at Kris in faint surprise.
“You stay with me! You hear me? Do not go away again. You can do this. I’ll help you. Anything I can do, I will.” He took Adam’s hand firmly and had a sudden flash from his dream: fingers intertwined; a warm mouth. He drew a sharp breath and saw Adam’s eyes register it. Kris quickly folded his other hand around Adam’s to counter any suggestion he was recoiling at the contact.
“I’m with you. And we can beat this,” he vowed, with as much confidence as his tired, confused mind could muster.
Adam didn’t answer. Just lay there, watching him. But there was thought behind his eyes; he was present.
“Just stay with me,” Kris said softly. And felt Adam’s hand squeeze back.
That simple response tore a crack in the wall Kris had put around his own emotional turmoil. A wall he had built attempting to control his own unhappiness to keep it from showing and doing any harm to Adam, who was already dealing with more than he could handle. Kris’ head came down to the bed and he felt tears sting his eyes. It was too much. Adam’s disintegration, his own uncontrollable obsession, trying to help Adam and fix himself and no idea how to do either.
He pressed his face into the bed, trying to dry the tears. Can’t let him know I’m upset. He won’t know what to do, and it’ll make him feel worse.
He felt Adam’s hand gently touch his head, and felt his hair tickled with a kiss, light as breath.
Kris’ heart seemed to stop for a moment. Instead of the panic he expected to feel, the tension flowed out of him, to be replaced by something warm, and an absurdly unjustified sense of well-being.
He looked up and found Adam almost leaning back, watching him warily. Adam’s eyes took in the tears in a millisecond.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Adam said softly. “Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m just tired. Didn’t get much sleep on the bus. And I can see you’re wiped out from trying to help and everything I’ve put you through. “ He freed his hand to sit up. “I don’t know how to thank you.”
Kris wiped at his face and stood up and suddenly Adam was on his feet and Kris was being hugged. It was a wonderful, rejuvenating feeling, but through the emotional euphoria ran a powerful sensuality. He could smell the soap Adam had showered with after the show and under it the faint tang of lingering sweat, feel the tall warmth he had felt so intensely in his dreams. He was deeply comforted. He was deeply uncomfortable.
Suddenly aware he wasn’t responding, he returned the hug. But Adam was already stepping back, quickly busying himself heaving his bag onto a chair and sitting down to take his boots off. “I’m just gonna go to bed. You might as well find your room. I’m sure you’re tired.”
Kris cursed inwardly. Sat down on the bed to make it clear he wasn’t leaving. “Why do you think you couldn’t sleep on the bus?”
He didn’t miss the flicker in Adam’s eyes. It was fear. But if he hadn’t seen it, he would have suspected nothing from his voice, speaking with weary casualness. “Oh, just, the bouncing and the beds aren’t really comfortable. I can’t really stretch out.” He unzipped his bag and pulled out a bag of toiletries.
“Adam.”
Blue eyes looked straight into his.
“You have to tell me the truth. I think-I know-there’s something, maybe a lot, that you’re not telling anybody. And I don’t think it’s going to get any better until you share it with somebody. I think you have to get it out.”
Seconds went by. Adam never changed expression. Then his face melted into a sweet smile. “Is that what you think?” He took the toiletries bag and vanished into the bathroom.
He followed Adam into the bathroom, too tired and too off-balance for tact.
“I don’t understand. Do you want to get better? Or is this some kind of a fun game, where you get attention?”
Adam whirled, shocked. For a moment he was completely still, yet Kris would have sworn everything about him was in violent motion. He stood in half-step toward Kris, his hair tossed from the speed of his turn, his hands low but flared away from his sides like a dancer. His eyes seemed to be crazily illuminated from within.
He finished the step toward Kris, who was suddenly aware how often Adam leaned down to minimize the difference in their heights.
“You have no idea,” Adam whispered.
“Well then give me an idea!” Kris said.
“NO!” Adam swung a fist sideways and slammed it into the mirror, which cracked loudly. “You don’t even like me!”
Kris flinched but did not retreat. “Adam,“ he appealed. “You know that isn’t true! Give me a chance. You’re completely misreading me.”
“Why don’t you just leave me alone? I don’t need your pity, and I don’t need your contempt. Just get out of here!”
Kris met those crazy eyes. “No.”
Adam moved. Kris was astonished by the strength. Adam lifted him off his feet and shoved him backward. Kris saw him glance quickly for a place to throw him, but some spark of reason was alive enough to make him choose the bed. As Kris grabbed at Adam’s arms for some kind of support, Adam heaved again and flung him onto the bed.
Kris landed on his back, and Adam spun away.
A second later he turned back. He gave a long stare at Kris on the bed, and there was no mistaking the look on his face.
Kris put every bit of athleticism he had into a roll that took him off the bed and onto his feet on the other side.
The two of the stared at each other for a long moment, both breathing hard. Then Adam started to laugh, low and barely controlled. He turned back into the bathroom and slammed the door. Kris heard it lock.
He took a shaky step and sat on a little wooden chair by a writing desk. Sitting on the bed didn’t appeal to him at all at the moment.
He waited for his heart rate to return to normal. I am in too deep. And I have no idea how to get out.
* * *
Adam sat on the bathroom counter and closed his eyes. All the strength of will he had was focused on remaining still. On not letting the crash of rage and terror and grief that reverberated in his mind become action. A cracked mirror hung behind him, a tiny testament to the storm he fought to control.
Kris, you’ve got to go away.
At the same time, he knew Kris was his only hope of salvation. If Kris was there, the whispers were driven back.
The whispers are in your mind.
It doesn’t matter. I’m afraid of my mind. My own mind is my enemy.
A sudden, brilliant vision of Kris sprawled on the bed, legs splayed.
He felt a rush of blood to his groin.
“No.” He shook his head. He couldn’t think of Kris like that.
Self-control was a battered memory. He was charged with emotion, and the image of Kris gave it all focus. His pants were getting tighter by the second, and he pressed his hand against himself, rocking slightly.
“Great,” he muttered. “Just great.”
He stood up from the counter and stripped his clothes off. Stepped over them and into the shower, wonderfully hot and strong. Then dropped to his knees and reached down to give himself some relief.
* * *
Kris heard the water go on. Adam had already showered at the venue, but he was probably taking another as a way of calming down. It was an appealing idea.
Kris had a flash of his dream of Adam in the shower, and remembered the feel of the rough, wet denim under his hand.
God, I am obsessed. He stood up.
What do I do? Go to my room?
In a situation where he was sure of almost nothing, he was sure that Adam needed somebody there. He was way too fractured to be on his own.
And what if he comes out that door in the same mood he went in?
Maybe I should stay in the hallway. I could kind of escape if I had to.
This is completely ridiculous. And on that thought, he grabbed the spare pillow and blanket from the closet and tossed them onto the hallway floor, kicked off his shoes, and made an uncomfortable bed on hard, thin carpet. I’m either the greatest friend in the world, or the biggest idiot. Yeah, since I helped create this situation, it’s biggest idiot.
The shower ran for a long time, and finally Adam emerged from the bathroom. He had a towel around his waist and glanced around, apparently concluding he was alone. He sighed, and on his face was a hopeless sadness Kris had never seen.
“You are really a bathroom hog,” Kris said.
Once again he managed to startle Adam, who stared at him as if he were a ghost. Kris got up from the floor with his toothbrush and slipped past Adam to go into the bathroom.
“Other people need to go to sleep too, you know,” he informed him. “How come it takes you an hour to brush your teeth?”
“It doesn’t. Why aren’t you in your room?”
“I’m staying here tonight.”
Adam looked over at the pillow and blanket.
“On the floor? That’s crazy. You have a bed to sleep in. You don’t need to stay with me. I’m fine.”
Kris’ mouth was fully involved with his toothbrush, but he managed an eye-roll.
“Look, I’m fine. You-“ Adam just stopped. He seemed to run out of energy, or maybe just the weight of the lie was too much. “Okay, well you take the bed,” he ended softly.
Kris finished brushing and rinsed out his mouth before answering. “Just don’t argue for once. Go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” He looked over, but Adam was nowhere in sight.
When he got to the doorway he saw that Adam had taken his pillow and blanket on the floor.
“Adam. Get in the bed.”
“Are you ordering me to bed?” It was a weary, but unquestionably coy glance.
“I am.”
“Well, I like hearing it. But I’m staying here. Night night, Krissy.”
“Adam. Don’t be a jerk. You need rest more than I do.”
“And you’re keeping me up. Could you turn the lights out?”
There wasn’t much Kris could do. He couldn’t drag Adam onto the bed. If he made him mad enough to get up, that would hardly result in his being cooperative. If Kris refused to use the bed, Kris knew very well Adam still wouldn’t use it. He was the most stubborn person Kris had ever met.
“Why do you always have to be in control?”
“It’s the natural order of things.”
Kris laughed out loud. It occurred to him as he pulled the covers back, that by getting into the bed, he was putting himself exactly where he didn’t want to be. And if Adam had an impulse in a couple hours, he would be very vulnerable.
This is what you get for chasing him away when all he wanted to do was talk.
He grabbed one of the pillows from the bed and threw it at Adam’s head. Turned out the lights and climbed into the bed.
“Night, Adam.”
“Night, Kris.”