(no subject)
this weekend was absolutely horrible. i knew it was going to be a wreck even before it happened.
we've been friends with Kristin and Charlotte for a long time, but you know how it sometimes takes people a long time to realize the faults and qualities in people that they really disagree with? well, they came out this weekend.
even before they came, my mother began to express animosity towards the two of them. i couldn't really understand why, i mean, people have their reasons for not liking people and there are definitely qualities in both kristin and charlotte that i don't like, but there are qualities in everyone that i dont like, and qualities in me that other people don't like. you can't get rid of them and you have to learn to be the best person you can and sort of ignore the other qualities that people have that you don't like.
my mother was just embarassing this weekend and really mean to kristin in a horrible way. she'd say nasty things, walk seperate from us, and her attitude towards them was feverish and tumultuous-up and down.... she put me in a terrible mood and and worst of all she got really angry at me for giving her attitude [and physically hurting her last night when i elbowed her really hard try to get her to shut the fuck up at the dinner table] this weekend when she would say things that were embarassing.
my mother would sometimes be pleasant and then be really rude and cold. she told me that she wants nothing to do with me right now.
Kristin was really confused at my mother's anger, just as i was. thats how i get [utterly confused] when people all of a sudden hate me and just turn off to me.
its a quality they immidiately find and just turn themselves off without a proper explanation.
my mother explained to me about 5 minutes ago what she detests about Kristin, quite angrily and i was prompted to write because i'm just really irate with my mother right now--i'm practically afraid of her.
i know Kristin likes to talk about herself alot, which is a quality that my mother doesn't have. my mother hardly ever talks about herself. I mean she does as much as any normal person would but i hardly ever catch her telling long stories of experiences that shes had unless inquiring minds really want to know. and my mother REALLY hates how kristin can go on about stories about herself.
my mother also thinks Kristin is manipulative. and i see it, but so is my mother and she doesnt realize it. we're all manipulative and unless we're doing it on purpose, we dont realize it, from what i've seen, because i know i used to be pretty conniving and manipulative in sticky social situations, and i didn't realize it. i'm sure i have manipulative qualities now but i always try really hard to not be that way.
it's so hard to see this because my mother never wants to see kristin again and my Kristin really loves my mom and dad. i know what its like to lose really close people because your personality was something that they really hated. and then you go into hating yourself and who you are because someone got really fed up with you, and you know you've got to go through a period of eternal change. Most of all, Kristin is really alone with a malignant growth on her left thyroid gland. she's not married anymore, her daughter is all the way in Wellsley at Dana Hall boarding school and her family lives in California.
I know i'm going to get caught up in the middle of it. I'm going to be seeing Charlotte at camp when i go this year, and i will spend as much time with her as i possibly can [i didnt much last year because i spent half the time crying about sarah because we were arguing really badly]...lucky for my parents they have to drop me off a day early, because of that i doubt we're going to go stay with them a day or two before camp starts as we usually do.
although we've known them for 6 years, my mother told me that she was only friends with kristin and charlotte very recently because she knows how much i love them. she told me i could stay friends with them but i feel myself start to tear up as i realize how little i will see them without a car to drive up on 3 day weekends, and another best friend and a girlfriend already up there in that general area who i will also have to see, and managing time to see kristin and charlotte during breaks feels so impossible, the weight of it is apt to crush me into nothing.
it makes me feel like nothing not being able to get out there and see them without my parents. and oh god it will be so expensive to get up to NH by a bus...long and expensive...
oh my is life so expensive in so many ways...
i feel poor right now...so emotionally destitute.
we've been friends with Kristin and Charlotte for a long time, but you know how it sometimes takes people a long time to realize the faults and qualities in people that they really disagree with? well, they came out this weekend.
even before they came, my mother began to express animosity towards the two of them. i couldn't really understand why, i mean, people have their reasons for not liking people and there are definitely qualities in both kristin and charlotte that i don't like, but there are qualities in everyone that i dont like, and qualities in me that other people don't like. you can't get rid of them and you have to learn to be the best person you can and sort of ignore the other qualities that people have that you don't like.
my mother was just embarassing this weekend and really mean to kristin in a horrible way. she'd say nasty things, walk seperate from us, and her attitude towards them was feverish and tumultuous-up and down.... she put me in a terrible mood and and worst of all she got really angry at me for giving her attitude [and physically hurting her last night when i elbowed her really hard try to get her to shut the fuck up at the dinner table] this weekend when she would say things that were embarassing.
my mother would sometimes be pleasant and then be really rude and cold. she told me that she wants nothing to do with me right now.
Kristin was really confused at my mother's anger, just as i was. thats how i get [utterly confused] when people all of a sudden hate me and just turn off to me.
its a quality they immidiately find and just turn themselves off without a proper explanation.
my mother explained to me about 5 minutes ago what she detests about Kristin, quite angrily and i was prompted to write because i'm just really irate with my mother right now--i'm practically afraid of her.
i know Kristin likes to talk about herself alot, which is a quality that my mother doesn't have. my mother hardly ever talks about herself. I mean she does as much as any normal person would but i hardly ever catch her telling long stories of experiences that shes had unless inquiring minds really want to know. and my mother REALLY hates how kristin can go on about stories about herself.
my mother also thinks Kristin is manipulative. and i see it, but so is my mother and she doesnt realize it. we're all manipulative and unless we're doing it on purpose, we dont realize it, from what i've seen, because i know i used to be pretty conniving and manipulative in sticky social situations, and i didn't realize it. i'm sure i have manipulative qualities now but i always try really hard to not be that way.
it's so hard to see this because my mother never wants to see kristin again and my Kristin really loves my mom and dad. i know what its like to lose really close people because your personality was something that they really hated. and then you go into hating yourself and who you are because someone got really fed up with you, and you know you've got to go through a period of eternal change. Most of all, Kristin is really alone with a malignant growth on her left thyroid gland. she's not married anymore, her daughter is all the way in Wellsley at Dana Hall boarding school and her family lives in California.
I know i'm going to get caught up in the middle of it. I'm going to be seeing Charlotte at camp when i go this year, and i will spend as much time with her as i possibly can [i didnt much last year because i spent half the time crying about sarah because we were arguing really badly]...lucky for my parents they have to drop me off a day early, because of that i doubt we're going to go stay with them a day or two before camp starts as we usually do.
although we've known them for 6 years, my mother told me that she was only friends with kristin and charlotte very recently because she knows how much i love them. she told me i could stay friends with them but i feel myself start to tear up as i realize how little i will see them without a car to drive up on 3 day weekends, and another best friend and a girlfriend already up there in that general area who i will also have to see, and managing time to see kristin and charlotte during breaks feels so impossible, the weight of it is apt to crush me into nothing.
it makes me feel like nothing not being able to get out there and see them without my parents. and oh god it will be so expensive to get up to NH by a bus...long and expensive...
oh my is life so expensive in so many ways...
i feel poor right now...so emotionally destitute.